Ask for some cold jokes,

1. In a mental hospital downstairs, there is always an old woman squatting there with an umbrella. Finally, one day, a nurse squatted there with an umbrella in order to understand her thoughts. As a result, the old lady said with a dignified face, "hmm ... are you a mushroom, too?" . . "

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, we can wash the fruit together after picking it, and we can eat it together after washing."

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them."

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit."

Motorcyclists like to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle their buttons at the back to keep out the wind.

One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road.

When the police arrived, ...

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Officer A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Policeman A: Well, I'm not breathing. ......

4. Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.

After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......

5. The hospital set up a 100 channel to prevent patients from escaping, but there are still two mental patients who want to escape from the hospital. Work hard at night

Over the wall. Under the 30th wall,

"Are you tired?" ,

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

Under the 60th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

Under the 99th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"tired"

"Well, let's go back to rest."

6. You ask the pig freely, and the pig asks, "Guess how many sweets are there in my pocket?" You ask: If you do it right.

Can I have it? The pig said, "You guessed right, I'll give you two." Your mouth is watering.

Q: "Is it three dollars?"

7. One day, in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit came from a distance and saw all this. He came up and said, Fox, how can you smoke marijuana? This is not good for your health. Look, how fresh the air is. Come and run with me. The fox thought it was right and ran away with the rabbit.

Running and running, they saw the elephant smoking heroin. The rabbit ran to the elephant and said, elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. Elephants think it's right to run together.

Running and running, I saw the lion roll up his sleeves and was about to inject heroin. Little rabbit shouted to the lion from a distance: lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. ...

I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over, shooting rabbits crazily. The elephant trembled and said to the lion, why did you hit the rabbit? He doesn't want us to hurt his health!

The lion said angrily: NND dead rabbit, every time he takes drugs, he wants me to run wild in the forest with him, damn it!

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road.

The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes.

As a result, he skinned it.

As a result, the banana in the back fell down.

9. Matches always like to hit the wall with their heads. One day, it pushed too hard. Everyone took it to the hospital, the doctor wrapped it in gauze, and the match became a cotton swab.

10. Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread ~ after eating a meatball ~ it became steamed bread ~ ~

Once upon a time there was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked.

Once upon a time, there was a man named kite who flew when he walked on the road ~

Once upon a time, there was a man named Shi who was washed away by the water one day ~

Once upon a time, an egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, but it turned into a tea egg ~

1 1. A polar bear is in the North Pole and has nothing to do, so he sits on the ice to pluck his hair ... one ... two ... three ... Finally, when he finished writing, the polar bear shook himself and said, "It's so cold ..." Another polar bear saw it and sat on the ice to pluck his hair. ...

12. When the vampire bats came back covered in blood, they were very envious. They asked him where he got so much blood. He took the bat to a big tree and asked, Do you see that big tree?

Answer: Yes.

It: Shit, I didn't see it.

13. Household appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, otherwise it will be sent to a waste treatment plant. The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as his joke was finished, the audience laughed and suddenly heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So the washing machine was taken to the waste treatment plant. Next is the smartest computer. Just after his joke was finished, all the household appliances laughed and heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." Therefore, computers have also been brought to waste treatment plants. The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone rolled on the ground with laughter. The rice cooker said, "It's so cold." Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to the waste processing plant, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. It's so cold! "

14. A flea found a hundred-dollar bill in the street and quickly stepped on it.

Was trampled to death. ....

15. There are two sausages in the refrigerator.

Long time no see.

One shook it with a sausage: "Wow! It's so cold ~ ~ ~! "

Another sausage was surprised and said, "Hey? So sausages can also talk? "

Once upon a time there was a big grape and a small grape.

16. Five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang. Dial a hundred-dollar bill:

"Ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

17. tortoise and rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

18. Xiao said to Xiao B, Wow ... it's raining outside! ! Have you seen it?

Xiao B is very excited: Yes, I saw it! What about you?

19. I hate two kinds of people the most:

First, there is racial discrimination;

The second is black;

Third, I can't count!

20. Xiao Zhang teaches in a junior high school. He is tall and handsome, but he stutters when he is nervous. On one occasion, when he was invigilating the monthly exam, he found a student looking for an answer with his head down and his book turned. Angry, he pointed to the cheating students and shouted, "You, you, you, you dare to cheat, stand up for me!" " As soon as the words were finished, six students stood up at once.

2 1: here comes the classic:

One day, the devil took the princess away and she kept screaming.

Devil: "scream at your throat ... no one will come to save you ..." "

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Speak of the devil and he will come ..."

Cao Cao: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "*! Was discovered .. "

*: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me?" Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... Gee, there are so many people here. 」

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who. 」

Who: "He's not me. 」

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone: "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun." 」

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

Emperor: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. 」

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "if no one hits the devil, I can go." 」

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement." 」

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Demon: "*! I'm going crazy. 」

*: "Call me! ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you. 」

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking ... "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I am nothing: "-_-\" ... Go ... Let's talk outside ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... * v.v *" (\" Who \ "collapsed)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What is there to see? "Brother, let's go out and talk. 」

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

From then on, the devil really got schizophrenia ...