Seeking humorous dialogue with celebrities

Before Roosevelt became president of the United States, he served in the Admiralty. One day, a friend

A friend asked the navy about its secret plan to build a base on an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Roosevelt deliberately looked around, then asked in a low voice, "Can you be conservative?"

Secret? "

"Of course."

"Well," Roosevelt said with a smile, "so can I."

Add one more thing.

At a meeting to formulate the US Constitution, a member of Congress said, "In the Constitution,

It should be stipulated that the number of regular troops should not exceed 5000 at any time. "

Washington said quietly, "This gentleman's suggestion is really good. But I think ...

One more thing: foreign troops invading the United States must not exceed at any time.

3000 people. "

Never see you again.

As a young man, Lincoln joined the militia in St. Gamon, Illinois. captain

The commander was a short man, only a little over four feet tall, about the size of Lincoln.

The material is particularly high, much more than the commander.

Because Lincoln thought he was tall, he used to walk with his head down and his back bent.

Road. The colonel was very angry when he saw his bent back, so he called him in and scolded him.

A meal.

"Listen, Abreu," the colonel shouted, "hold your head high,

Hey, you, asshole! "

"Yes, sir." Lincoln replied respectfully.

"I have to raise it a little." The colonel said.

"Do you want me to be like this forever?" Lincoln asked.

"Of course, you guy, do you still need to ask?" The colonel is angry.

"I'm sorry, Colonel," Lincoln said sadly. "We have to talk.

Say goodbye, because I will never see you again! "

Praise the beard

A noble lady proudly said to the French writer Mo Bosang, "How is your novel?"

What's the big deal? But seriously, you have a beautiful beard. Why are you?

Want to grow such a big beard? Mo Bosang replied flatly, "At least for those.

A man who knows nothing about literature is a compliment to me. "

Shake your head.

When the British Parliament was in session, a member of parliament saw the mound on his seat when he spoke.

Jill shook her head in disapproval. "Let me remind Members that I just.

I'm expressing my opinion. At this time, Churchill stood up and said, "I also remind the instrument.

Attention, congressman, I'm just shaking my own head. "

This is all wrong.

Whitman is a famous lawyer, graduated from Harvard University and was elected as a state legislator. have

Once, he went to a hotel in Boston in peasant clothes and was greeted by a group of gentlemen and ladies.

I saw it in the hall and missed Doby. Wittman said to them, "Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to wish you happiness and health. In this progressive era, it is difficult

Tao, can't you get more education and be smart? You only took my clothes.

Look at me, I can't help but look at the wrong person. For the same reason, I thought you were.

Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that we are all wrong. "

A better record

Once, a reporter asked President Taft what his exact weight was.

"I won't tell you." Taft replied in a thunderous voice, "But.

You know, someone has also asked Speaker Reid, and he replied that a truly educated person.

Our weight should not exceed 200 pounds. But I set a new record, reaching 300 pounds. "

The president's clothes

Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States, saw himself from beginning to end.

Zuo is a member of the common people. When he was president, he rode alone every afternoon.

Ma roamed to the suburbs of Washington and made extensive contact with the people.

One day Jefferson met a man from Connecticut. The man saw Jefferson riding a horse.

The little adult was wearing ordinary clothes. I thought he was a horse dealer, so I chatted with him.

Get up. When he spoke, he talked about the new president. The other party said, "Jefferson.

Spending money lavishly. He wears a ring on each finger. Sell his clothes,

The money you get back can buy back a plantation and two watches. "

Jefferson smiled and said, "The clothes the president usually wears are not as good as yours."

Beautiful! If you don't believe me, I'll accompany you to see him. "

When they arrived in the lobby of the White House by bus, the servant quickly greeted Jefferson:

"Mr. President!"

The fellow travelers were shocked.

It's time to face the war

One night, Washington was sitting by the fireplace chatting with some guests because he was back.

The fireplace was burning too brightly. Washington thought it was too hot, so he turned to face the fireplace.

Sit down. A guest here joked, "My general, you have to resist."

War is right. How can you be afraid of war? "

Washington smiled and replied, "You are wrong. As a general, I should face the war.

Fire, accept the challenge. If I fight with my back, it's not chicken out.

Did you lose? "

Make way for fools.

One day, the great German poet Goethe was walking in the park and happened to be walking on a narrow road.

On the way, I met a critic who opposed him, the arrogant critic.

The economist said to Goethe, "You know, I never give way to fools."

The witty Goethe replied, "I am just the opposite." Say that finish and let go.

Road, let the critics pass.

I think they are contagious.

Lincoln hates people who come to the White House to nag and ask for jobs.

People. One day, Lincoln was unwell, but there was a man beside him, ready.

Sit down and talk it over.

Just then, the president's doctor came into the room, and Lincoln winked at the doctor.

Hint, stretch out your hands to him and ask, "Doctor, what is the spot on my hand?"

What is this? I'm covered in it. I think they are contagious, right? "

"Yes, it is very contagious." The doctor said.

Hearing this, the young man immediately stood up and said, "Well, I can't stay any longer."

Mr. Lincoln, I have nothing to do. I just came to see you. "

After the guy left, Lincoln laughed his head off in the room.

Patience 15 minutes

After Lincoln's wife mary todd lincoln became the president's wife, she lost her temper.

More and more violent. She not only spends money recklessly, but also often bullies others.

Scold the tailor who made clothes for too much money, and then denounced the butcher shop and grocery store.

Things are too expensive.

A businessman who was fed up with Mary's torture complained to Lincoln. Lincoln put his arms around his shoulder,

After listening carefully to the businessman's story with a wry smile, I finally said helplessly to the businessman, "First!" "

Sheng, I was tortured by her 15 years. Can't you wait patiently 15 minutes? "

Have a way of being opposed by others.

A poet turned to the English writer Wilde for help because his works did not attract attention;

"This help a shameless guy! I used silence to cover up their incompetence. Wilde

Sir, what should I do with them? "

"Deal with a man as he deals with you." Wilde answered softly.

Just choose one.

Someone went to the White House to visit the 26th President, theodore roosevelt Ross.

Fu's youngest daughter Alice came in and out of the office, interrupting their conversation from time to time.

The man complained, "Mr. President, can't you even control Alice?"

Roosevelt said helplessly, "I can only do one of two things well." ask

Yao, be a good president of the United States; Either, take care of Alice. Now that I have chosen

Without the former, there is nothing we can do about the latter. "

Only give 20 minutes.

19 10, theodore roosevelt retired as the general manager of william taft company.

The British envoy attended the funeral of King Edward VII of England and arranged the funeral.

Meet the German emperor. The Kaiser proudly said to Roosevelt, "Come and see me at two o'clock."

Please, I can only give you 45 minutes. "

Roosevelt replied, "I arrived at two o'clock, but I'm sorry, your majesty." I am ...

I can only give you 20 minutes. "

Humorous wife

1948 Dewey and Truman run for president of the United States. In the opinion polls, Dewey

Far ahead, the victory is in the bag. When he was about to congratulate his wife, he asked her, "You have to talk to beautiful women.

How do you feel about sharing a bed with China and president? The wife replied, "It's my pleasure. I can't wait.

Here we go. "Unexpectedly, Dewey failed in this election. The wife said, "I'm sorry,

Shall I go to Washington or Truman come here? "

Kant's surprise

An acquaintance was saying goodbye to a woman when Kant asked him, "Is this your unmarried?"

Wife? ""yes. " The acquaintance replied, "You are surprised at my choice.

Really? Kant smiled and said, "No, what surprised me was her choice."

"Who can test me?"

Someone asked Gertrude, an American university expert, why he was such a great man.

Some scholars have never received a doctorate. He replied, "Who can test me? dear

Sir! "

Settle accounts

When Coolidge first took office as president, the official in charge of the White House showed him around the White House. this

An official pointed to a charred girder and said that it was captured by the British during the 18 12 war.

Burned by the team. It is recommended to replace it as soon as possible.

Coolidge thought for a moment and said, "OK, but don't forget to send the bill."

To the king of England. "

Have a reciprocal relationship

Bernard Shaw sent a telegram inviting Qiu to celebrate the performance of a new play.

Jill went to the theater and said, "I have reserved tickets for you today." Please come and give us advice and enjoy it. "

You are welcome to bring friends, if you still have friends. "Churchill immediately reply:

"I can't attend the first premiere for some reason, and I plan to attend the second premiere. If you

If the script can be executed twice. "

Wenmeishu

A friend asked Dumas, "You have worked hard for one day, why are you still fine the next day?"

Where is God? Dumas said: "I didn't try to write at all." I don't write novels, I do.

The novel has formed itself in my heart. ""What was that? " "I

I don't know. Ask a plum tree how it produces plums. "

Dad is married.

Freud once said to his eldest daughter:

"I feel that you are worried about one thing in the past two years. Do you think you didn't?

Beautiful enough to find a husband. I didn't take this seriously. In my eyes, you are very

It's beautiful. "

His daughter smiled and replied, "But you can't marry me, Dad, you are married."

Yes "

Ask madam

Faraday is the founder of modern magnetism, but he has made great achievements in electric light, motor and electricity.

Before the invention of electricity, many people doubted its usefulness. A lady is in Faraday.

After the speech, he sarcastically said, "Professor, what's the use of these things you said?" law

Lardy said humorously, "Madam, can you predict the use of the newborn baby?"

Answer all questions

British scientist Darwin happened to attend a party with a beautiful lady.

Sitting together, the lady jokingly said, "Mr. Darwin, I heard that you asserted that,

Humans are monkeys. Am I one of your ideas? "Darwin binbin

Politely answer: "Of course! However, you are not an ordinary monkey, you are.

From a very charming monkey. "

Compare people with birds.

Musician sibelius and a critic are walking in the park, and the bird is there.

The branches sang euphemistically, and the critic said, "They are the most talented music in the world."

Go home. After a while, a crow flew in and sibelius said, "This is the best.

A critic. "

You laughed at me.

French celebrity Bogart teased Americans for their short history and said, "Americans are very nice."

Sometimes, I often like to miss my ancestors, but I can't help thinking of my grandfather's generation.

Don't say that. "

Mark Twain replied, "When the French are free, they always want to know him."

It is difficult to find out who their father is. "

The way you comb your hair.

President dwight eisenhower is bald. His finance minister, George

Humphrey is bald, too. When they first met, Eisenhower and He?

Shake hands kindly and say, "George, I notice that you comb your hair in exactly the same way."

Me too. "

Later, Humphrey often said that he would never forget Eisenhower's easy-going nature.

And approachable style.

Reagan's embarrassment

When President Reagan spoke at the White House piano concert, his wife Nancy didn't.

Be careful not to drop people and chairs on the carpet under the stage. The audience screamed. but

Nancy got up flexibly and returned to herself with warm applause from more than 200 guests.

In your own position.

At this time, Reagan inserted 1:

"Honey, I told you, only when I didn't get applause,

That's what you should do. "

Return a compliment/gift

During World War II, Goering, one of the German fascist leaders, asked a Swiss officer:

"How many of you can fight?" "500,000." "If I send millions.

What will you do if the army enters your country? "

"Then let's shoot twice each."

keep secret

The reporter asked Kissinger about missiles and submarines, and Kissinger shrugged.

"My pain is that I know the number, but I don't know whether to keep it secret."

The reporter immediately said: "Not confidential." Kissinger asked, "This is not confidential.

Really? What do you think it is? "The reporter had to" hey hey "a smile.

Reagan's ambition

Reagan is the oldest president in American history. He has been clever many times.

Successfully responded to the opponent's attack on his age. He declared himself old.

Dementia, the future is numbered ",suddenly appeared in the Republican campaign.

At the rally, he said, "At present, I'm afraid I can't run for 1996.

President, but this does not rule out the possibility of participating in the 2000 presidential election. "this

At that time, the whole audience stood up and even his old enemy applauded.

May peace last forever.

In June, American President John F. Kennedy and Soviet President He Lu.

Fu Xiao meets in Vienna. At a luncheon, Kennedy noticed Khrushchev.

He hung two medals on his chest and asked him what medal it was.

Khrushchev told Kennedy, "That's Lenin's Peace Medal."

Kennedy said humorously, "I hope you can wear it forever!" " "

laugh at oneself

Franklin wanted to do an experiment: electrocute a turkey. Accidental encounter

When the power was turned on, the current passed through his body and knocked him unconscious. awake

When he arrived, Franklin said, "Boy, I tried to kill a turkey, but it turned out."

And almost electrocuted a fool. "

A cry of joy

Lyndon johnson, the 36th president of the United States, likes to play with small animals.

Once, in front of the photographer's camera, he grabbed his beagle.

Ear, pick it up until the puppy screams. He also said: "I like listening.

They are called. "

When this matter was known by the National Association of Animal Lovers, they marched in protest.

Accuse Johnson of cruelty to animals. Johnson had to publicly "clarify" this point.

The facts. He cleverly explained, "I bet dogs don't bark."

This is a cry of pain, not happiness. "

Beautify language

Former US President Truman always said unconsciously when he spoke in public.

Several "damn" and "fuck" are said to be a well-known woman of the Democratic Party.

Shi asked Mrs Truman to persuade her husband to speak more clearly, because she had just heard Du's words.

Rumen accused a politician of talking "like a pile of horse manure". Hearing this, Mrs. Truman,

Not surprised to say:

"You don't know, it took me many years to beautify his language here.

That makes sense. "

accompany

1962, the Kennedys visited France. Jacqueline (Mrs. Kennedy) can

Speaking fluent French, the French people and President Charles de Gaulle have a good impression on her. exist

On his last day in Paris, Kennedy checked it out at a press conference held at the Xiale Palace.

The researchers said:

"I think there is nothing wrong with introducing myself to you here. basis

The people who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris were all men, so I was very touched.

It's an honor. "

This is also a speech.

The Wright brothers, American airplane inventors, are a pair of thoughtful and hardworking people.

Good brothers who study hard are the most unsociable ones. He is my brother.

What they hate most is speech. Once at a banquet, the wine was drunk for three rounds.

The messenger asked big Wright to give a speech.

"This must be a mistake!" Aidit said in the Great Wright Period, "The speech is

My brother is in charge. "

The host turned to Little Wright. So Wright-Phillips stood up and said, "Thank you.

Gentlemen, my brother has just delivered a speech. "

The biggest discovery

David, a British chemist, was the husband of Faraday, a great scientist. He supported the law.

Lardy's discovery and help. Of course, he also took the third place in science.

Great achievement-separation of alkali metals and alkaline earth metals by electrolysis and determination of elemental chlorine.

Sue invented the safety light. But when people praised his discovery, he said:

"no! Don't! The biggest discovery in my life is Faraday. "

It is too late.

The humorous writer Banchley modestly said in an article that it took him 15 years.

It took me a long time to discover that I was incapable of writing. As a result, a reader wrote: "You are now

It's not too late to change careers. Bankley wrote back and said, "Honey, it's too late. I have

I can't give up writing because I'm too famous. "

Sign with your legs?

An American writer once went to a magazine to collect the manuscript fee. His article

It has been published, and the manuscript fee should have been paid long ago. But the cashier said to him, "Is this true?"

Get up, sir. The check has been written, but the manager hasn't signed it yet, so he can't get the money. "

"Why didn't he sign the money he should have paid long ago?" The author is a little impatient.

Boring

"He is lying in bed because of his foot injury."

"ah! I really hope his leg will get better soon. Because I want to see which leg he uses.

Sign it! "

Make another bed.

Mark Twain likes reading or writing in bed. One morning, one

A reporter visited him and asked him. Mark Twain asked his wife to invite this man to his place.

In the bedroom, the wife objected, "shouldn't you get up?" Lie down by yourself.

On the bed, let people stand, like what? "He thought for a moment and then agreed.

He said quietly, "I didn't think of that. Then you'd better ask the servant to make another bed! " "

lie about one's age

A rich bachelor in his 60s fell in love with a much younger man.

That woman. He went to consult Voltaire, a French satirist. "I want to marry her,

But I'm afraid telling her my real age will disappoint her and refuse to talk to me.

Get married. So I want to tell her that I am only 50 years old ... ""That won't do! "Lie down!

Ertai replied, "You should tell her that you are 70 years old."

Reporter Chunqiu

Lazareff, editor-in-chief of Paris Evening News, once told a group of college students about him.

The experiencer said, "A reporter spends his first half of his life reporting things they can't."

What he knows, and he spends the rest of his life hiding what he knows too well.

Actually. "

experimentalism

Anne, a writer who has published two novels, is arguing with Mike who likes literature.

Annie finally said angrily, "No, Mike, you don't know anything at all."

This is a novel. Because you haven't written a novel. ""No such thing, "said the old woman.

Dick said: "This argument is really poor empiricism." Think about it. I don't

I have laid eggs before, but I know the taste of vegetable patties better than hens. "

relationship by blood

Chester Lanning, a Canadian diplomat, was elected to the provincial council as a child.

After eating China's wet nurse's milk, he was attacked by his political opponents, saying that he must succeed.

Ethnic origin. Lang Ning retorted, "You grew up drinking milk. You must take it with you. "

Cow blood! "

descend

Gershwin, an American composer, is a very humble man. He is famous far and near, but

He also wants to learn composition from Verdi, an Italian composer and author of La Traviata.

He traveled across the ocean to visit Verdi in Europe.

After seeing Gershwin, Verdi humbly declined and said, "You are already first-class.

Gershwin, why did you become a second-rate Verdi? "

Columbus's wonderful metaphor

After Columbus discovered the New World, people held a banquet in his honor. there are some

The nobles attending the banquet thought that his discovery of the new continent was entirely accidental. Columbus took it.

Take out an egg and say:

"Gentlemen, which one of you can put this egg on the table?"

Those nobles, Zuo Li, stood right, but they couldn't stand up, so they had to consult Gollum.

Cloth. Columbus picked up the egg and knocked it on the table. The egg did not move. The nobles are not very

Believe it, say we're standing like this.

Columbus smiled and said, "The problem is that none of you smart people are with me."

I've thought about doing this before. "

forget

Someone asked Socrates, "mr. socrates, have you ever heard of ..."

"Wait a minute, my friend," the philosopher interrupted him at once. "Who are you?

Are you sure everything you have to tell me is true? "

"It's not like that. I just heard it. "

"So, then you don't tell me, unless it is a good thing.

Excuse me, is that thing you said a good thing? "

"On the contrary!"

"Oh, that maybe I need to know, so as to prevent harm to him.

People. "

"Well, that's not ..."

"All right, then!" Socrates finally said, "Let's let this matter go."

Forget it! There are so many valuable things in life that we have no time to pay attention to them.

There is no need to know what is neither true nor beautiful. "

belong to

One day, Whistler, a great American painter, and some friends went to visit a place in London.

Millionaire. As soon as I entered the gorgeous living room, I found his picture hanging on the wall.

This painting was his work many years ago. He looked at it and felt very dissatisfied.

So I took out my brush and paint and modified it with a quick pen.

"What are you doing?" The master was surprised and said, "Who are you?"

Who dares to scribble on my painting! "

"Your painting?" Whistler calmly replied, "Do you think you paid?

Is this money yours? "

Under four kinds of rewards

British Prime Minister Churchill was anxious to go to the House of Commons for a meeting. He called a taxi.

Rent a car When the bus arrived at its destination, he got off and said to the driver:

"I will stay here for about an hour. Please wait for me. "

"No," the driver firmly refused, "I want to go home, but it's okay.

Listen to Churchill's radio speech. "

When the Prime Minister heard this, he was greatly surprised and paid the fare according to the price.

Besides, he got a handsome tip. The driver looked at the unexpected receipt.

Cheng, soon changed his mind. He said to the passenger, "I thought about it, but it's still there."

I'm waiting to bring you back here. What the hell, Churchill! "

The gardener's story

An American woman visited Paris. One day, she saw an old man wearing.

Watering the garden of the villa, diligence and earnest attitude make Americans very rich.

It feels good. She thought, the French are really first-class gardeners, and it is difficult for the United States to choose one.

Now that we have met, why not take one back to China?

So she went up to the old man and asked him if he would go to America to do it.

Her gardener, she can give him a high salary and pay his travel expenses.

And blew the United States for a while, as if arachis duranensis, foreigners have gone to the capital.

Can make a fortune.

"Madam," the old man replied, "unfortunately, I have another one.

I have a job outside and can't leave Paris for the time being. "

"You all resign. Well, I'll make it up to you. Except the gardener,

What sideline do you run? Is it raising chickens? "

"No," said the old man, "I hope they won't choose me next time. I

Just to accept the job you gave me. "

"What do you choose to do?"

"Choose me as president." "Are you ..."

"I'm Ann Lee, president."

copy

Once, Hollywood held a birthday party for Charlie Chaplin, a film performance artist.

Before the banquet, Chaplin sang an Italian song in a lyrical high voice.

An episode.

A friend here was surprised: "Charlie, we have been together for many years, and we haven't."

I know you sing very well! "

Chaplin replied, "I can't sing at all. This is just a parody of the play.

Just Enrico Caruso! "