(urgent) Who has a short pair of spring wires?

The north-south street runs east-west, and people bite dogs at the crossroads.

Pick up the dog and cut the brick. The brick bit his hand.

There was a 19-year-old man who drank lotus root with wine in his mouth.

I've never seen anything like this since I was a child. Three wheels pull the train.

Hey! Does this look like it to you? !

Today I will tell you a stand-up comedy, in which there is such a disgraced person.

When did this happen? It happened in the Qing Dynasty. He said that there is such a rich man with a lot of money, and he is also one of the best people in Beijing. The old man has two sons. The eldest son is calm and capable in whatever he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a little problem. I can drink some wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd on the bedside, and when he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It's not good to go to the toilet. He put a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet! ! !

That's it. He drinks and gets drunk every day.

Finally, one day, the old man was dying. He is very ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to his side, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm going to die." My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family has money, we can't stand his drinking style! " ! ! "The boss nodded. The old man said that and died. After the two sons finished the old man's business, the boss began to give up drinking for his younger brother. Someone told the boss that the second brother hit an alcoholic! ! ! I had to ask the old mage to exorcise the evil spirits, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical care. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't expect these people to be just a bunch of knives, reading grape classics at home all day. Who asked what the Grape Sutra was? In fact, it is what the liar read: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skins, and spit grape skins without eating grapes"! ! ! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about! ! !

That's it. Exorcism didn't work, so I asked my boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug and needs to bask in it. Dog days, comrades, hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry. The boss is really cruel. Still not working. It's gone again

Whether you say it or not, the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a seawater tank. What is an ocean tank? Aquarium is a big aquarium that only five or six strong men can move in the early years. Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! ! ! The boss got a barrel full of old wine. When it was finished, he put the second child in. He also got a big millstone to cover his mouth and put a seal on it. Feng said, "Brother, it's only a warning. It's time to stop drinking." After that, I left, which made the second child very happy and finally I could have a big meal. While drinking, I sang "It doesn't matter if I'm drunk, I'm buried in the restaurant, and I'm as happy as a fairy when I smell this Daqu"! ! ! (Singing), listen to this word. Not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk, will she still be alive? ! ! I ran to the edge of the water tank all night and knocked on it. Master, are you all right? The second child was happy when he heard that his wife was coming. "Hey, the seal of the wife and brother don't need to be opened. If it still matters, bring me a pickle! " ! ! !

His wife, listen. Hey! ! ! Why are you still drinking?

Laozi of warlord Han Fuqu

I'm telling you, listen.

Speaking of this Han Fuqu, my hometown is Baxian, Hebei Province, and I am a dutiful son at home. Later, I became a local tyrant in Shandong, but I still don't forget my roots.

On one occasion, Han Fuqu celebrated his father's birthday. In order to please him, Han Fuqu specially asked someone to take the old man from his hometown in Hebei to Shandong. In his own home, it is a big banquet, singing opera and variety show. The old man was so happy that, on a whim, he insisted on asking the singer to give a piece of "Guan Gong vs. Qin Qiong", so I won't talk about it, because the old man Hou once said that today I want to talk about this piece of my father.

Don't say, what kind of son is what kind of Lao Zi. Everything that Han Fuqu's father just saw in Han Fuqu Palace is rare. When the old man celebrated his birthday, Han Fuqu called the gentry and nobles who ruled Shandong to celebrate his birthday. When the old man saw his son calling, he became interested in this phone. How could this thing talk? This is really: "It's very dark in a room, so it's easy not to open the window. You can shake it and grab it! " ! ! ! Old-fashioned telephone, which generates electricity by shaking hands. The old man made a few phone calls and saw so many people coming to his son's house. After a few phone calls, he put a banquet at home and thought it was a good thing. Shake it and shout a few words, and it will be delicious. This is great! ! !

After the old man's birthday, he said to his son, "Son, I know you are filial, and Dad wants nothing, so take the small house on the table back to Dad!" " ! ! ! Han Fuqu didn't know what the old man meant and didn't ask many questions, so he gave him the phone. In this way, the old man returned to his hometown with his child in his arms.

As a result, you can understand without me! ! !

The "Trace" and "Thief" of Warlord Han Fuqu

1930, Chiang Kai-shek transferred Han Fuqu to Shandong as chairman. After arriving in Shandong, Han Fuqu was nicknamed "Han Qingtian". Because he often sits in the hall of the provincial government to interrogate criminal cases such as thieves, drug dealers and gamblers, he is more and more embarrassed about the administration of justice. His trial is not based on the law, but on personal emotions and arbitrary behavior. When he was trying the case, the military judges of the law enforcement team stood on both sides. He told the prisoner to stand at the door of the hall, staring for a minute or two, looking at the prisoner's face and looking at his face, and rarely talking. He carried the prisoner down with his right hand, and then extended his right hand to the right. The soldiers of the law enforcement team pulled the prisoner to the right and stood there, pulling him with the prepared execution car and shooting him. If his right hand is raised and his left hand is waved, the law enforcement team will pull the prisoner to the left to stand, which is considered innocent and ready to be released. No matter how many prisoners there are, he always looks at each other, looks at his face and signals that he is finished.

On one occasion, Sha, a servant employed by the Shandong provincial government, was only fifteen years old. Sha Shenyi sent him to the provincial government to deliver letters to Secretary-General Zhang Shaotang. At that time, this "Han Qingtian" was sitting in the classroom interrogating a group of thieves. At that time, the path was very curious and stood on the right side of the lobby. The law enforcement team actually put this small page of the case being watched on the execution car. The child was frightened and shouted, "I am a messenger!" " "Han Fuqu asked after hearing? The law enforcement soldier said, "Report to the chairman. He said he was a messenger. " Korea immediately replied, "the messenger will also be shot! "The original' Han Qingtian' was mistaken for delivering letters to bandits. The child was so scared that he couldn't speak anymore that he was dragged out and shot. Later, when Sha didn't come back from the alley at lunch, he asked Zhang Shaotang, secretary general of the provincial government. At this time, the military judicial department checked the list of the dead, but there was one more body. After investigation, it was proved that the trail was killed by mistake. After learning about it, Sha Yuebo hurriedly cried and went to the provincial government to find Han Fuqu, saying that the law enforcement team mistakenly pushed the trail to the car and shot and killed it. " "Han Qingtian said with a smile," now he is a man of the road. If you don't kill him, you will be a thief in the future! I don't want to embarrass Shashen either. Give his mother 500 yuan living expenses. "So it's over.

You said this guy was another asshole? Warlord Han Fuqu's Trial of Grain

There is more than one thing that people can't figure out in Han Fuqu, and there is the Shandong grain case, and Han Fuqu's practice is even more incomprehensible.

Because China was at war at that time, warlords from all sides plundered the people constantly, and there were different degrees of famine all over the country. Shandong province under the jurisdiction of "Han Qingtian" is even worse. Businessmen all over the country took the opportunity to hoard and raise food prices very high, making the people even more miserable.

In view of this situation, in order to recuperate, warlords everywhere strictly forbid grain merchants to raise prices at will, and offenders will engage in military law. However, where the profit is, people are eager for it. In order to make a fortune, grain merchants secretly raised prices. As a result, many unlucky grain merchants were found out and lost their lives in vain.

In Shandong province, several grain merchants who secretly raised prices were also arrested and immediately taken to the suburbs for execution. Han Fuqu was playing mahjong with his concubines in the president's office when he heard the news. When he heard the report, he jumped up at once, without even wearing shoes. He pulled a horse without a saddle barefoot. After riding the horse, he rushed to the presentation ceremony in the suburbs.

When Han Fuqu arrived, the firing squad was aiming their guns at several shivering grain merchants. Hurriedly stopped shouting, jumped off the horse, untied several frightened grain merchants and said to them, "Guys, it's all my fault that Han was wronged and frightened. I apologize to them, and please don't care. "

Several grain merchants looked at Han Fuqu's strange face in surprise, wondering if it was in a dream: "Chairman Han, aren't you going to shoot us?"

"How could I shoot you?" Han Fuqu laughed: "You brought food and rice to the people of Shandong, and the Shandong elders felt very cordial. If I'm not authentic, I can't bite the hand that feeds me, so I will shoot you, right? This is all because my men are ignorant and neglect a few people. "

The grain merchant said with a bitter face, "But, Chairman Han, we raised the price of grain for sale privately, which violated your military orders."

"Ha ha ha," Han Fuqu laughed on his back. "Is it not the price increase? Up, up, up. You can go up whenever you want. Whoever dares to mess with you will mess with me. " He shouted.

In fact, people still don't understand what he thinks! ! !

give up smoking

Horses have thin hair and fat hooves.

The old couple slept to earn a hot kang.

The old man wants to sleep in the bed,

My wife died in vain,

The old man said I picked up the firewood,

My wife said I burned the kang,

The old man said that he would rather sleep than sleep.

My wife said no, no, no, no,

The old man picked up the ash rake,

My wife picked up a rolling pin,

Bang, bang, until dawn,

It's so hot,

Nobody sleeps.

(tapping wood)

I'm going to tell you a stand-up comedy today, but it's gone now. That asked when it happened. That was 60 years later, and that asked you how you knew after 60 years. You, don't worry.

There is such a person in this paragraph. His surname is smoking and he is called a smoker. Why is this called smoking addiction? He likes smoking since he was a child. He stole his father's cigarettes when he was a child, and he was addicted to smoking in this name since he was a child. No one can take care of him when he grows up. He can smoke five or six packs of cigarettes a day. He not only smokes, but also is ridiculous. How to say: "two packs of cigarettes in the morning make you refreshed for a day, two packs of cigarettes at noon make you happy, and two packs of cigarettes at night make you a living immortal." Don't you think he is unlucky?

One day, the city where the smoker lived became a smoke-free city, and he didn't even let him smoke. Now he is addicted to smoking! ! ! what can I do? (Performance, expression and action) Alas! ! ! With it, we don't live here anymore. Let's go somewhere else, prepare dozens of sacks of cigarettes and build such a small house in the desert. I can smoke as much as I want. No one else knows! ! ! From a distance, there is only a yellow smoke. "hey! ! ! What does that mean? Why is there yellow smoke in the desert? " I don't know whether he smokes there. But it didn't last long. In a few months, the whole country has become a smoke-free country, and there is no choice but to go abroad to smoke by boat. He sat on the boat and looked at it from a distance. It's really "a lonely sail in the blue sky, only a little red cigarette butt"! ! ! Well, that's it. I went abroad. Less than two years after foreign countries banned smoking, the World Health Organization declared the earth a smoke-free world. Look at this guy. You can't watch him choke on cigarettes, can you? Let's negotiate for the last time and send him to the moon! ! !

In this way, he went to smoke in the sky! ! ! He spent 16 years on the moon. One day, his family took him back. When he came back, he saw that it was a white hair and a white beard! ! ! I came down with a bag of cigarettes. Someone asked him, "What are you talking about? Why are you still smoking a cigarette? " Look at this, there are tears in your eyes, tears are swirling in your eyes, and the corners of your mouth are trembling slightly and you say four words: "I don't have a lamp"! ! ! !

I'm covered, you're covered, you cover me with felt.

If you have money, I will help you. If I have no money, I will use your money.

If I commit a crime and go to prison, you can hang out with me.

If you go to prison, I will send you a box lunch every day.

When you swear by this, I will die after you; When I broke my oath, you died before me.

There is an old saying: "People hate dogs and don't eat them." Listen, if people are restless and always want to take advantage of themselves, that dog doesn't like it.

Well, two days ago, there was a man in our teahouse, let alone who he was. During the performance, two people quarreled backstage and something happened on the stage.

When it comes to eight fan screens, it's about children. One of the guys made a mistake and said, are you arguing with me? I left you on the stage. What is this character called?

He should say, you should treat me like a child. He didn't say anything, but said, "You, just think of me as a little girl."

The joker just finished reading a child's words and was about to speak. When he said' little girl', he was stunned at that time. Why? I'm afraid I didn't do this when I hit grandpa. What should I do? I can't do this. I hate it in my heart. I gnashed my teeth and thought,' All right, boy, you want to disgust me, all right, I'll show you what my uncle can do'. Very clever. My brain is spinning very fast. Now that I've caught a few words, open my mouth and say.

"You can't compare with a little girl."

I said to myself, "There is nothing better. You are such a little girl. "

Hearing this, the champion asked,' Wow, take it off and see how you take it';

"Oh, why can't I compare with this little girl?"

"Let me tell you something. I was thinking that in the Tang Dynasty, there was a woman named Zhu, and her name was Mulan. Later, because the emperor recruited soldiers to attack the Xiongnu, because there was no brother at home, and I watched my father get old, she could not bear the hardships of military service. She resolutely changed into a men's pseudonym' Mulan' to go out on behalf of her father. In the army, he was upright and brave and made great contributions to the Tang Dynasty. After returning to China, the emperor made her a member of Wanjia Palace. She was not confused by money and resolutely returned to her hometown. Later generations left a poem by Mulan to show her filial piety. She is really the most filial girl. Have you compared this little girl? "

Hearing this, he said,' Hey, he was really dealt with. "No, I still have to embarrass him."

Hurry up and say, "If you can't compete, treat me like a troublemaker."

The teaser listened and said, "well, you really incited it." Well, you're all fooling around and underestimating the crime of beheading. You can only be honest if you commit a crime. Come on, "

Searching for words in his stomach again, staring at his mouth and saying

"Well, let me tell you something. I was thinking that at the beginning, one year before liberation, in Chang 'an Grand Theatre, celebrities from all walks of life celebrated each other and congratulated each other, which was of great obligation and cooperation. I don't want a walk-on actor to get into trouble at this time, so I can't come for the time being. I was just catching up with Mr. Hou Lao, who was watching the drama backstage, and Mr. Hou Lao proposed to save the scene temporarily. Mr. Hou, Lin Bao can't retreat. Standing in the wrong place, the audience was drunk, and Mr. Hou made up four words to wipe the embarrassment. The old man got angry at once. He used to send troops, but today he wants to help you, and he can't wait to whip you. Mr. Hou is really picking a fight. Can you compete? "

road

Modesty is the most important thing in this world. No matter what you do, you must be modest. What would you do yourself? Don't show off in front of that man. What does it matter to show off? What is there to show off? Therefore, if you are modest in front of others, you will not suffer.

I'm from Shandong. I usually speak our Shandong dialect. I have a fellow villager who is also a good man. That's right. Showing off your abilities, knowing more than others, is nothing. This is a joke when I went to Tianjin on business a few days ago.

Why is he joking? He learned a few words of Tianjin dialect before going to Tianjin. When he went to Tianjin, he showed off. One morning, he thought that Goubuli had gone to eat steamed buns. Everyone knows that steamed bread is delicious, but he has never eaten it. He is going to try it, but he doesn't know where Goubuli is. He had to ask around. Just then, a young man came up to him, so he greeted him and asked him how to get there. When asked, he remembered Tianjin dialect, and then he said, "Excuse me, how can I get to this dog-ignored steamed stuffed bun shop?" Hearing this, Tianjin people didn't know that dogs ignored them. He was making fun of me, so he pointed to the north: "In the north." (Tianjin dialect) This is also sincere. He went to the north and felt something was wrong after walking for a while. Why didn't you even see a shop? Ask around again. Just sitting in front of an old lady sunbathing, she went over and said, "You are in a hurry. How can I get to this steamed stuffed bun shop that ignores dogs? " (Tianjin dialect) The old lady heard it, didn't she? Tianjin people don't know that dogs ignore them? Are you kidding? I also made a mistake, pointing to the north: "In the north." This is right. Let's go north. I don't know how long it took. It's getting a little dark anyway. Why hasn't this arrived yet? At this time, an old farmer who was resistant to hoes came to him. He said hello quickly, without Tianjin dialect. He opened his mouth and said, "Grandpa, the dog doesn't care. How can I get there?" Hearing this, the old farmer said, "Young man, it's not easy for you to go to Tianjin and walk here. Here is Miyun Reservoir. " He went in the other direction.