How to avoid unnecessary quarrels?

There is only one way in the world to get the greatest benefit from debate-that is to stop it. You will never win an argument. If you fail in the debate, of course you fail; If you win, you still fail. This is because even if you refute him to pieces, so what? You think it's good, but what does he think? You make him feel vulnerable, you hurt his self-esteem, and he won't admit your victory wholeheartedly.

Therefore, the way to talk about Fiona Fang is to understand this truth.

Boeing Life Insurance Company has made a rule for its sales staff: Don't argue! Perfect and effective promotion is neither a debate nor a similar debate. Because the debate won't change people's minds.

Many years ago, there was an Irishman named Jack. It is difficult for him to sell his truck because he likes to argue with others and often conflicts with customers. But later, he succeeded in becoming a sales star of new york White Automobile Company. What happened in there?

He told the story of his extraordinary transformation: "If I sell cars to customers now, if he says,' What? Your car? I won't take it if you give it to me for free. I want to buy a certain brand of car. I told him that the brand XXX is a good car, and it can't be wrong to buy that brand. That brand is made by a reliable company with excellent salesmen.

"So he has nothing to say. If he says so-and-so is the best, I agree. He can't keep saying that so-and-so is the best all afternoon. Then we left the topic of so-and-so cards and I began to talk about the advantages of my car. "

The wise Franklin often said: "If you argue for strength, you may win sometimes;" But this kind of victory is not worth the loss, because you will never get the favor of the other side. "

So, think for yourself. What do you want, just a temporary eloquence victory or a long-term goodwill?

When you argue, you may be absolutely right. But in changing the other person's mind, you are likely to get nothing, just like you are wrong.

William McKenzie, the Treasury Secretary when President Wilson was in power, summed up the experience gained in his many years of political career in one sentence: "Ignorant people can't be persuaded by debate."

Lincoln had a young officer because he often had heated arguments with his colleagues. "No matter who is determined to succeed," Lincoln criticized him, "you must never waste time on personal prejudice and lose self-control. You can't show yourself too much, although it is a small matter for you. It's better to make way for the dog than to be bitten by the dog. Even if the dog is bitten to death, the bitten wound cannot be cured. "

Napoleon's housekeeper constance often plays billiards with Napoleon's wife Josephine. In his memoirs of Napoleon's private life, he said: "Although I am better than her, I always let her hit me, so she will be very happy." We should learn some experience from constance. We should let our clients, lovers, husbands and wives get the upper hand in occasional discussions that do not affect the overall situation.

Sakyamuni said, "Hate can't stop, but love can't stop." Misunderstandings will never end with arguments. It takes means, tolerance and reconciliation to make the other side feel sympathy.

Nine times out of ten, the result of the quarrel is that everyone firmly believes that he is right.

You may be right in this argument. But to change a person's opinion, your efforts are likely to be in vain.

No one, no matter how cultured he is, can convince him through argument.

Here are some suggestions to avoid unnecessary arguments:

1. Welcome different opinions.

2. Listen first.

3. Find the similarities between the two sides.

4. Promise to seriously consider the objections.

5. Sincerely thank your opponent for his concern.

6. Control your emotions.

7. Don't trust your intuition blindly.

Tenor Jean Pierce has been married for nearly 50 years. He said: "My wife and I reached an agreement a long time ago. No matter how angry and dissatisfied we are with each other, we will always abide by this agreement. The agreement is that one person shouts and the other person listens. Obviously, when two people are yelling, there is no communication at all, only harsh noise, which is terrible. "

To make your ideas deeply rooted in people's hearts, remember that the only secret to winning an argument is to avoid it.

The Art of "Softening" in Language Learning

Euphemism, or euphemism, is a rhetorical device. That is to say, when you speak, you don't directly express your original intention, but use euphemistic words to set off or hint, so that people can think and understand. The more you ponder, the deeper and farther the meaning will be, and the more attractive and infectious it will be. Euphemism and implication are the art of speaking, which embodies the speaker's skill in mastering the language and shows his trust in the imagination and understanding of the audience. There are many things in life that only need to be understood and not explained. If the speaker doesn't trust the rich imagination of the audience and tells all the meanings, such shallow and plain words will not only make people unhappy, but also make the speech lose its charm.

"Implicit words imply meaning, which is more than referring to things" (Liu Xie's "Wen Xin Diao Long Harmony"), the speaker deliberately said something related to or similar to the original intention to set off the original intention. This is a "buffering" method in language. Although this is "only a temporary solution" (Jeffrey N. Leach); But it can make the communication that might have been difficult smooth, and let the listener (or viewer) receive the information in a more comfortable atmosphere. So some people call "euphemism" the art of "softening" public relations language.

Legend has it that Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty hoped to live forever in his later years. One day, he said to his courtiers, "According to the picture book, the longer a person's nose is, the longer his life will be;" Man is an inch long and can live for a hundred years. I wonder if it is true or not? " Hearing this, Dong Fangshuo, the minister, laughed when he knew that the emperor was dreaming of immortality again. When the emperor saw that Dong Fangshuo seemed to be satirizing him, he looked unhappy and shouted, "How dare you laugh at me!" Dong Fangshuo took off his hat and respectfully replied, "How dare I laugh at the emperor? I am laughing at Peng Zu's ugly face. " Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty asked, "Why do you laugh at Peng Zu?" Dong Fangshuo said, "It is said that Peng Zu lived to be 800 years old. If' among people' is really eight inches long, as the emperor just said, isn't his face as long as a pole? " Hearing this, Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty also laughed. This euphemistic and implicit criticism was readily accepted by Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty.

Lincoln has always used words with visual effects to speak. When he was tired of the long and complicated official report sent to his desk in the White House every day, he raised his objection, but he didn't express his objection in plain language, but in a visual sentence that was almost unforgettable. "When I send a man out to buy a horse," he said, "I don't want this man to tell me how many hairs there are on this horse's tail. I just want to know what features it has. " Here, Lincoln used a metaphor to describe B, but he didn't know B, and tactfully expressed your intention-you don't want to read a long, complicated and unfocused report, you should focus on the key points like a horse buyer reports the characteristics of a horse. Lincoln's indirect method is euphemism.

Mr. Qian Zhongshu, a master of modern literature, is a lonely man. Farming at home, shutting the door, is most afraid of being publicized, especially unwilling to show up in newspapers and TV. After the second edition of Fortress Besieged, he made it into TV, which caused a sensation at home and abroad. Many journalists from news organizations wanted to make an appointment to interview him, but Qian Lao refused. One day, an English lady finally got through to his home phone and begged her to visit Qian Lao. Qian Lao politely declined many times, but it was useless. He said to Miss England half-jokingly, "If you read ((besieged city)) like eating an egg and feel good, then why do you want to know the hen who laid this egg?" Ms. Yang was finally persuaded.

In Mr. Qian's reply, the meaning of the first sentence is very clear, followed by two sentences: "It feels good to eat an egg" and "Why do you want to know the hen that lays eggs?" Although it is a metaphor, from the perspective of language effect, it has achieved the miraculous effect of "killing three birds with one stone": first, it belongs to vague language, with broad semantics and flexibility, giving listeners room for thinking and understanding; Secondly, in the communication with foreign guests, it is not appropriate to refuse directly, and it is especially polite to use broad and implicit language; Third, it also reflects Mr. Qian's modesty and simple personality beauty, transcending the fatigue of fame and fortune and comparing himself with "hens". In a word, it is not only impeccable, but also makes people understand the deep meaning of the words, especially admiring Qian Lao's demeanor.

It can be seen that euphemism has the following three functions: first, when people make certain demands, they sometimes show some anxiety and often feel shy and embarrassed, and euphemism and implicit expression can solve this problem. Second, everyone has self-esteem. In interpersonal communication, the maintenance or injury of the other person's self-esteem is often the direct reason that affects the quality of interpersonal relationship; And some expressions, such as refusing the other party's request, expressing different opinions from the other party, criticizing the other party, etc. It is easy to hurt each other's self-esteem. At this time, euphemistic and implicit expression can often achieve the purpose of not only completing the expression task, but also maintaining the self-esteem of the other party. Third, sometimes under certain circumstances, for example, because there is a third party present, some words are inconvenient to say, and then euphemistic and implicit expressions can be used.

This is the beauty of euphemism.

There are several euphemistic and implicit expressions:

First, seriously study the internal relations between things, and use synonyms to express your thoughts, so as to achieve implicit results.

The second is to express one's thoughts with vague extension or extremely general connotation, so as to achieve implicit effect.

Thirdly, there are many rhetorical methods, such as metaphor, metonymy, pun and suggestion, which can achieve implicit effect.

Fourth, some things don't need to be pointed out directly. As long as you point out a larger scope or direction, let the listener think deeply and seek answers according to the prompts, you can achieve implicit results.

Fifth, by answering some questions from the other side, the implicit effect can be achieved.

Finally, we should pay attention to such a situation. We should pay attention to the use of euphemisms and hints. Euphemism doesn't mean obscurity. Its performance skills are first based on people's understanding, and at the same time, we should pay attention to the scope of use. If the speech is obscure, there is no euphemism; If euphemism is used, it will cause bad consequences no matter what the occasion. According to Fiona Fang, we should remember the art of "softening" language.

Learn to say "no" easily

Interpersonal communication will not always be smooth sailing. Sometimes my request is rejected, and sometimes I have to refuse the requests made by some acquaintances, friends and relatives. It is hard to say "no" just because of human relations, interest relations and so on. What should I do now? This requires "refusal", that is, euphemistic refusal, which can make you easily say "no" and help you break the deadlock in interpersonal relationships. If you refuse immediately, the other person will probably think that you refuse to help him, and even your relationship will become rigid. Therefore, it is best to make the other person feel that you have tried your best to serve him. This is also the concrete application of Fiona Fang's way of speaking.

"Let's play eight rounds of mahjong tonight!" "Let's go to XX restaurant for a drink after work!" When you are faced with these demands, how should you refuse? In this case, we can use our relatives as "shields". You can say, "Sorry, my mother is waiting for me to come home." "To tell the truth, my wife ..." "The child is not feeling well today, so I have to go back ..." So it is not easy for others to ask.

You can also refuse each other on the grounds of work or homework. A friend, if someone says to him, "Let's go for a drink tonight!" " He always replies, "I have to go to my teacher's house to learn a foreign language tonight." ..."

There is also a driver who is often invited to their parties by colleagues. Because the driver is not used to that occasion, he always tries his best to refuse. From the nature of his work, he is very busy every day, so he often uses this as an excuse to say to them, "Get up early tomorrow and go to bed early tonight." So I turned down the party easily.

In order to minimize the negative impact of rejection, you need to master some communication skills and adhere to the principle of "being reasonable and honest", so as not to hurt the self-esteem of the other party, but also to politely refuse.

1. After listening to the sincere statement.

When your colleagues, customers or friends ask you for something, they usually have some troubles or worries in their hearts.

Listen carefully before rejecting each other. Better yet, ask the other person to explain the situation and needs more clearly, so that they can know how to help him. Then show that you understand his difficulties. If you stand in other people's shoes, you will certainly do so.

It has several meanings. Listening can make the other person feel respected first. When you show diplomatically that you reject his position, you can effectively avoid hurting his feelings without giving people the illusion that you are dealing with it, and then sincerely state your difficulties.

For example, someone asks you to use your power to arrange employment or buy tight materials for your children and relatives, which is obviously an unhealthy trend that violates the principle. In this case, you might as well speak frankly about your difficulties. In terms of personnel arrangements, the personnel department at the higher level has written regulations, and the administrative department of this unit has also formulated specific regulations. It's really useless to ask me to violate the regulations and resolutions formulated by the higher authorities and the unit collectively. The eyes of the masses are fixed on the leaders and help you. What can others do? what do you think? How to carry out work in the future? I helped you, and I will be punished myself. How can you stand it? So it's hard for the helper to blame you. If you state your difficulties frankly, the average helper will still be reasonable and understand and understand your difficulties.

2. Lure the enemy deeper

Sometimes, asking you the way is ridiculous and unrealistic, but he doesn't realize it. If you simply refuse, it may hurt the other person's self-esteem.

So what should we do?

It's actually quite simple. You can be a director once and deduce an absurd and impossible result from his demands or opinions. Induce him to realize how ridiculous he is.

The famous decoration designer Luo Luo is very good at this. Once he received a client, who insisted on using a cloth that didn't match his room at all, and said how beautiful it was.

If you meet other people, you will earnestly and hungrily persuade customers to give up their ideas. The old fox giggled away. He silently hung the cloth on the window. When the customer sees it, alas, it's really ugly!

When Rollo didn't say a word, the other party asked for instructions to change a kind of cloth and listened to Rollo's suggestion.

equivocation

It's hard to say "no" clearly, so why not use "vagueness" to make the other person confused and willing to be rejected by you?

There is a company looking for a designer. In this way, the recruitment director rejected the applicants with poor conditions.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I may be too tired. I don't quite understand this design. Can you go back and draw me another one that I can understand better? "

This kind of answer, while affirming the other party's level, cleverly rejected him and let him leave hopefully. Maybe he will come back with a qualified design the next day.

Express refusal with humor

Expressing refusal in a humorous way can not only achieve the purpose of refusal, but also make both sides get rid of the embarrassing situation and enliven the atmosphere.

5. Let the other person deny himself

When you disagree with the other person's point of view, you don't directly deny the other person's point of view, but subtly induce the other person to deny your own point of view, so as to achieve the purpose of rejection. For example:

A young girl fell in love with a young man, and the girl's friend kindly advised her that the young man was plain and not ideal. The girl smiled and replied, "Thank you for your concern. You are telling the truth, but I appreciate Engels' sentence "Love is based on mutual love" best, don't you think? "

Polite refusal

Euphemistic refusal or "diversion" or "U-turn" is not a direct refusal, but a hope that the other party will back down.

Someone wanted to hire Zhuangzi as an official, but Zhuangzi didn't directly refuse. Instead, make an analogy and say, "Have you seen the oxen and horses sacrificed in the ancestral temple? When it has not been slaughtered, it is really beautiful to wear gorgeous clothes and eat the best feed, but once it is slaughtered as a sacrifice, is it possible to live freely? "

Zhuangzi didn't answer directly, but an apt metaphor has been answered. It is impossible for him to be an official. This method is a euphemism for refusal.

It is not easy to say "no" without offending others, but as long as you master some refusal skills introduced above and use them flexibly, you can refuse the other person without offending him.