Who recommends some jokes?

1. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang. He is dead. On the day of the funeral. His family shouted, "Cool ... so cool. Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?" The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

There is a new kind of wine in the bar. In order to attract customers, a sign was set up at the door, which read: whoever drinks a bottle of our new wine can complete our three tasks and drink it for one month for free!

An alcoholic tried it, and a bottle of it staggered and asked the boss what his task was. The boss said to him:

1. Skip the brazier we gave you.

Pull out a bad tooth for the hippo in the zoo opposite.

Go to the fourth floor next door to meet all the needs of a widow.

So the drunkard started to do it. ....

He jumped over the brazier easily.

Then I went to the zoo and went to the hippo. The bar owner stood at the door waiting for him, only to hear a scream from the hippo inside. The boss thought: this guy is really good!

After a while, the drunk came out drunk. He asked the boss: where is that ... that woman ... wants to have her teeth pulled out ... again? One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students all stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! " .................................................................................................................................................................................

The Chinese teacher read aloud as follows. A student dictated the following.

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is like a dark green. I am a stupid donkey.

Wochun, I'm stupid,

I have no culture, because I lie in the plum blossom and smell the flowers.

Weave and paint the sky. I can only farm.

The fish kissed Shi Shui and wanted to know who I was.

Answer Chun Lv with a lying stone. I am a big donkey. A man rode a motorcycle so fast that the children in the back seat almost fell off. A passerby shouted, "Hey, the child in your back seat is going to fall." The man stopped to look and shouted, "Where's your mother, son?"

6. The teacher asked Xiaoming, "1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "I don't know." The teacher asked Xiaoming to go home and ask his parents. Xiaoming went home and asked his mother who was playing mahjong. She cried, "Seven!" "Xiao Ming asked his father again. Dad is eating KFC. He said, "It smells good!" "Xiao Ming went to ask his sister again. My sister is watching TV. She saw Clinton and shouted, "American President Clinton!" "Xiao Ming asked his brother again. My brother is reading a book. He read, "My family lives in a beautiful toilet." The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "Seven!" The teacher slapped him, and Xiao Ming said, "It smells good! The teacher was angry and asked, "Who told you that?" "Xiao Ming said," American President Bill Clinton! "The teacher was about to collapse. He asked," Where do you live? Xiaoming said, "My family lives in a beautiful toilet." "The teacher fainted. One day the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "1+ 1=?" "Xiaoming:" I don't know "Teacher:" Go home and ask your family and tell me tomorrow. "Xiaoming has gone home. His father is trading stocks. Xiao Ming asked him, when he saw that the stock went up, he said, "2 million", and he went to his brother, who was watching TV. Xiao Ming asked him, and when he saw the climax, he shouted, "Altman". Then he went to his brother, and Xiao Ming asked him that he had just had a drink. Xiaoming: "2 million" Teacher: "Who told you that? Xiao Ming: The teacher "Altman" slapped him at both poles. Xiao Ming: "It's so cool. Teacher: "Where is your home?" I'm going to visit my family today. Xiao Ming: "My family lives on the side of the road." "Teacher: ............... Xiaoming said," I don't know. "The teacher said," Then go home and ask your family. "Xiao Ming asked his mother, who was quarreling with others. Xiao Ming asked, "Mom 1+ 1=?" Mom said, "asshole! "Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= bastard; Xiaoming went to ask his father again. Dad is drinking beer. Xiao Ming asked, "Dad 1+ 1=?" Dad said, "Cool! "Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= cool; Xiaoming went to ask grandpa again. Grandpa is watching TV. Xiao Ming asked, "Grandpa 1+ 1=?" Grandpa said, "gangster!" "Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= gang boss; Xiaoming asked his sister who was singing the national anthem: people who don't want to be slaves! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= people who don't want to be slaves; Xiaoming went to ask his sister who was singing children's songs: rabbit, open the door! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= bunny opens the door. The next day, the teacher asked, "Xiaoming 1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "Asshole." "Pa" teacher slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said, "Cool." The teacher said inexplicably, "Who taught you?" Ming Dow Jr.: "The boss of the gang." The teacher was startled and asked, "Xiao Ming, what are you doing?" Xiaoming sings: People who don't want to be slaves. The teacher shut Xiao Ming out. Xiaoming knocked at the door and sang, Little Rabbit, please open the door. One day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "1+ 1= what number", and Xiao Ming said, "I don't know". The teacher said, "Go back and ask your parents". Xiao Ming came to the hospital after he went back. He asked the nurse, "1+ 1= what?" . The nurse couldn't hear you and said to the patient, "You are crazy!" ! He came to a shopkeeper and asked him, "What is 1+ 1?" The store owner didn't listen and said to an employee, "I fired you!" " "Then, Xiao Ming came to a child and said," What is 1+ 1? "The child didn't know, and said," My pig trash can, eyah! " "Then Xiao Ming came to an engineer and said to him," What is 1+ 1? " The engineer didn't hear him and said to the workers, "The house is going to collapse, so run!" " The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "You are crazy!" The teacher angrily pulled Xiao Ming to the door of the office and said angrily to Xiao Ming, "What is 1+ 1?" Xiao Ming said, "I fired you!" The teacher called the headmaster, and the headmaster said to Xiaoming, "Where do you live?" Xiao Ming said, "My pig trash can, e-e-e-e!" The headmaster said angrily that he would call his parents. Xiao Ming said, "The house is going to fall down, so run!" ! ! "

7. A beautiful MM accidentally broke her bathing suit when she ran into the swimming pool. The boy saw it and stared at her. At this time, the beautiful MM came along the pool. When she found something different, she grabbed a sign and covered the key parts ... at this time, the boys laughed! Beautiful MM felt strange, and later found that the sign said "men only", so she quickly changed her face. But when she changed her face, the men laughed louder. The original sign said "it's two meters deep here"! 8. Secretary of the county party committee: "Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! Without pickles, pickles are too expensive! " Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! After the secretary of the county party Committee finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!" (Translation: Now please speak to the county magistrate! The county magistrate said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is chinemys reevesii!" " "Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! County magistrate: "Don't be a pickle, I'll lick a piece of shit for you." Stop it, I'll tell you a story. County magistrate: This shit may be eaten by someone. Some people may know this story. County magistrate: don't worry about not eating (don't worry about not knowing). County magistrate: I'll pull it for you now. I'll get it for you now. 9. In class, the beautiful female teacher carefully explained to the children that "milk" means "small". For example, "suckling pig" is a "little pig" and "squab" is a "little pigeon". Xiao Ming, please make a sentence with the word "milk". Xiaoming: My family's economic conditions are not very good. I can only stand 40 square meters of breasts. Teacher: (I'm dizzy) ... it's useless ... change it. Xiaoming: I jump over a cleavage in front of my house every day when I go to school. Teacher: (dizzy) ... no ... change to another one. Xiao Ming: ... teacher, I really can't think of it. I want to break my nipples. Teacher: ...

10. Teacher: 108 The hero went to Liangshan, why did he rank second?

Xiaoming: Don't rank first. Do you want to go together? Liangshan can't stand it! !

Teacher: Get out! ! bale

One day, three ghosts met God while shopping! They told God that they all died miserably and hoped to send them to heaven! God said helplessly, there are too many residents in the sky now, and they are all full. But there's another place! You said, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven!

So, the first ghost began to say ... I was a cleaner before I died. Work is very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning windows outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work hanging outside at high altitude! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and fell! I think it's over! I'm dying! But the survival instinct makes me scratch unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed the railing of a balcony on 13 floor. I feel saved! So I want to climb up after I recover! Who knows, suddenly someone patted my hand and I fell down again! I think I'm really finished now! However, my life should not be decided, and a tent caught me below. I am glad that I must have accumulated virtue in my last life! I want to wait for my physical strength to recover before I go down. Who knows, a refrigerator fell from it and killed me!

The second ghost said ... I was a clerk before I died. Everything is fine. I have a beautiful wife. Great figure! But it's just a little water. I have a slight heart attack. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife's hair disheveled and disheveled. There must be an adulterer. So I looked everywhere in the house, kitchen and toilet, but I couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing and thought: adulterer! So he patted his hand. I think, 13 floor! See if I can fall to my death! As a result, I didn't die when I looked at it! Caught by the tent! I was in a hurry, so I searched all over the house and went into the kitchen. I found that the refrigerator was big enough and threw it away. Finally smashed him to death! I'm so happy! Laughing a lot. Who knows, laughing so hard, laughing so hard!

The third ghost said ... I'm a punk, but I didn't do anything wrong! One day I went to a female friend's house to hang out! Just finished, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen and toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in it! I don't understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator and threw it from the 13 floor! I just fell to my death in my refrigerator! 12. The master wants to kill the rooster, but the rooster can't get off the roof. The host scolded: If you don't get off the bus, I will kill all the hens and make your life hell! The cock laughed wildly: Shit, I can finally find a pheasant! 13. The female reporter asked the farm owner about the origin of mad cow disease. The farmer said, "I milk cows ten times a day, and cows only mate once a year." The reporter is puzzled. The farmer said loudly, "rub your chest every day, and only x you once a year." Aren't you crazy? " 14. A nun's eagle stole all the barrels, spoons and forks in the monk's garden. The monk was very angry. He grabbed the eagle and plucked its hair. The nun came to quarrel with her. She said, you want a bucket, I'll give you a bucket, I'll give you a spoon, you want a fork, I'll give you a fork, but why did you pull out my eagle hair? 15. A mosquito and a cockroach peek at a girl who is taking a bath. Mosquito praised me for biting two bags on her chest ten years ago, and now it is so swollen. The cockroach said, that's no big deal. I cut a knife under her ten years ago, and now she bleeds once a month! 16. Kindergarten teacher Xiao Fang pointed to the blackboard: m, a, y, d, b, and the children said "Touch-A-Aunt-De-Force" in the most standard pronunciation! !