A witty and humorous little joke

A short joke that is both witty and humorous

In human history, since people had language, the language of joking has appeared. At first, people passed it down orally, and later there were written words. , many jokes have been recorded. Below is a collection of witty and humorous jokes that I carefully collected. I hope it will be helpful to you.

A witty and humorous little joke 1

1. In the middle of the night, the customer service phone number of China Eastern Airlines was always busy for half an hour, and I was in a hurry to change my ticket. Suddenly, I had an idea and chose the English service. The call was connected instantly. I asked calmly, "Can you speak Chinese?" The other party was silent for three seconds and then replied, "You tell me." So we completed the entire communication in cordial Chinese. Cute Mayonnaise

2. There was a sudden power outage in the morning. My mother asked me to go to the property management company to see if my appliance card was in arrears. I lay in bed, took out my mobile phone, and turned on wifi. The list was empty. of. . . "Mom~ It's stopped in the community." She turned over and continued to sleep. Jack

3. I was waiting for someone on the roadside, and suddenly I saw a cute girl running towards me and timidly asked me: Excuse me, are you Gu Lei’s classmate?

I was stunned for a moment. She was the kind of girl I liked.

I thought about it and replied: I can be!

Then, the girl was amused by me!

Then she became my girlfriend. We are now in our seventh year and already have a lovely baby. Later I found out that that day, classmate Gu Lei was his senior brother, and she asked him to borrow books, but unfortunately I took advantage of her. I'm sorry, classmate Gu! Zhou Mian

4. I was waiting for my roommate at the entrance of the library, and suddenly I saw a young man in front of me who was very handsome. He was my type, but I was embarrassed to strike up a conversation.

Suddenly an idea came to him, he stepped forward and asked in a silly manner: Excuse me, are you classmate Gu Lei? (Gu Lei is my senior brother, just pick a name.

Unexpectedly, the other person was silent for a moment and replied: I can be!

I was amused.

Then he became my man.

Seven years later...

I am so witty zero coro

5. I am a fire fighter. As a supervisor, there has been a high incidence of fires in spring recently, so I often have a dry throat and cough. I bought two pears to clear my lungs.

When two pears walked to the workplace, they met a scumbag colleague. He always hated him and always took advantage of others.

He asked with a mean look: Why did you think of buying pears?

p>

I answered: Nourishing the lungs

He asked: Why did you buy two? The implication was that I wanted to give him one.

I answered without changing my expression. One moistened the left lung, the other moistened the right lung.

The scumbag immediately stopped smiling and left.

I remained as indifferent as a paralysis throughout the question and answer process. /p>

6. When I was a child

I scored 18 points on the math test

First I changed it to 78

Then I changed it to 98

p>

When I got home, my dad said that you got 78 points on the exam, so I thought I wouldn’t notice

Go out and play with your ass

I was so pissed off I went out to play with clown fish

7. I went to a haunted house with my classmates! I got lost. When I was so scared that I couldn’t help it, I took out my phone and clicked on "Today is a Good Day"~

The staff who acted like ghosts all laughed!

8. Mr. A took the exam for Mr. B, and he happened to skip the course all year round. The content is Mr. A's major. With Mr. A's foundation, he can easily pass the test, and Mr. A will play as a gunner.

Generally, there are many and mixed students in water courses like this, and it is normal for there to be faces that have never been seen before in the examination room. And in terms of importance, the invigilator will not check the student ID card.

It seems to be a very stable case with very low risk.

But the strange feeling kept disturbing Mr. A’s heart from the moment he entered the examination room. The number of proctors has increased, the frequency of movement has increased, and the examination room has even arranged a seating chart to match the seats.

Speaking of which, it was discovered a while ago that a student from another school took the exam on behalf of a student from our school - it was not an important subject. As a result, the two were expelled from their respective universities. The severity of the punishment is staggering. This kind of severe crackdown is often cyclical. During this extraordinary period, teachers will even take pride in catching typical examples. Everyone had to clamp their tails between their legs and take steps step by step.

Mr. A is usually carefree, but at this moment, the early warning antenna is adjusted to the highest level, monitoring all the disturbances around him.

He sat in Mr. B’s seat, took the test paper, and began to answer the questions.

He did not write his name.

Mr. A did not know these invigilators, but he noticed that a teacher was watching him all the time. Like a cheetah staring at an antelope from a distance, slowly approaching, and once the prey notices it, it will rush up and tear it into pieces.

The exam is not difficult, at least for Mr. A. When it was time to hand in the paper, Mr. A found that the teacher was standing beside him, his eyes constantly focusing on the blank name and student number column.

Mr. A is not a professional, so he is just as unfamiliar and frightened by such a scene as an ordinary person. But under the pressure of survival or destruction, he made a difficult decision -

He wrote his name.

A strong man cuts off his wrist and makes a decisive decision.

He seemed to hear the teacher’s heartbroken voice, and the prey he had obtained ran away.

She was unwilling to give in. She grabbed Mr. A’s test paper in one hand and the exam list in the other, and asked loudly:

Student A, you are not a student of this course, why did you come here? take an exam? Still sitting in seat B? You are here!

Hmph, this is nothing more than the teacher’s impatience. She can’t do anything to me without any evidence. Mr. A sneered and said in a neither humble nor condescending manner:

Hello teacher, I am indeed not a student of this course, but I like this course very much and have also been auditing it for one semester. Then I thought, why not take the final exam to see how much knowledge I have. After the teacher finishes correcting the papers, I will find the teaching assistant to check the scores alone.

Crack. Snap. Snap.

A slap in the face mercilessly. Really loud.

The teacher stepped back helplessly. Mr. B failed the exam even while lying down.

But at least Mr. A’s wit saved the fate of both A and B.

At this moment, Mr. A is a legend.

9. In the junior high boarding school, the power is cut off at 11 o'clock every night. The dormitory superintendent is very strict and fierce. She speaks very fast. We call him a machine gun. Everyone is afraid of her. _______Background introduction is complete_________On Sunday night, there was only one person sleeping in the dormitory next door. Half an hour after turning off the lights, I guessed that the dormitory manager had also fallen asleep, so I and my friends prepared to scare him. I was in front, and there were 2 gay friends. ) in the back, walking on tiptoe like an eagle catching a chick. As soon as he left the dormitory door, he saw the flashlight light at the end of the corridor. I was scared to death and wanted to turn around. Unexpectedly, the idiot behind me pushed me and he I turned around. I didn’t have time to think about it, so I rushed into the dormitory next door and found a bed to lie down on. As expected, the dormitory manager found me and asked me why I was here. I don’t know how I remembered this sentence: I’m afraid of him. The man is afraid, so come here to accompany him. I still remember the gentle look in the machine gun’s eyes after saying this, and he helped me tuck the quilt? Call me a bear-face

10. When I first came to this hospital, I was late and watched helplessly. A senior fellow in the same department was arrested. I was about five meters away from him at the time. He was caught and deducted 300 yuan. I suddenly had an idea. I quickly stepped forward and grabbed my senior brother’s hand and said: Doctor Chen, thank you. you.

The medicine prescribed to me last time was very effective. Look at me coming here so early. My senior brother was stunned, grabbed my hand and said: You go and register first. He hurriedly walked by with his head lowered and escaped. Liu Laoliu

11. Brief introduction: When we were in freshman year, we were exposed. Scammers contacted the parents of classmates to tell them what was wrong with the students and defrauded them of money. At that time, I also told my mother and gave her preventive measures. Needle.

The plot of this episode: Because the instructor of our hospital is a responsible (zhuang) responsible (bi) heart (pi) person, if he needs work performance (when he is doing pretense at the end of the year), he will just find someone. Just talk to a few random people about the reasons. I have failed because of probability mathematics. . . Yesterday I was cheated by him, but I really didn’t want to go to see him, so I didn’t go (that’s how honest), and then the call came: If you don’t come, you have to tell your mother (Mom, I’ve graduated from elementary school, okay?) ! So I got smart and called my mother first. . .

Me: Mom

My Mom: Well, what’s wrong, I have no money again (...).

Me: Do you still remember the information leakage when we were freshmen?

My mother: What’s wrong?

Me: Recently, there has been another incident targeting senior students. A man called parents, claiming to be a tutor, and frightened parents, saying that their children failed too many subjects and needed to make up for the exam, otherwise they would not be able to graduate. If the parent is anxious and continues to chat with him, he will gradually talk about the need to pay the make-up examination fee, saying that the student will not go to find the student and ask the parent to pay it quickly. So if you receive a call like this and someone tells you it’s a counselor, don’t say anything and just call this liar a liar.

My mother: Yes, I understand.

Me: No need to talk too much, it is a waste of time, be careful not to be deceived.

My mother: Don’t worry, I can’t. 100,000 steamed buns

12. My mother and I went shopping and had a great time, chatting and laughing all the way. My mother changed the subject at lightning speed and asked: "Will you tell us if you are dating someone?" ?

((((；Д))))))) Could it be that his usual words and deeds are too arrogant and show signs of making people suspicious? But it’s not good to deceive parents, and it seems that you have no market. Σ (дlll) How can you do it! If he confessed that he was single now, he would definitely have been questioned about his past.

"Anyone who can do it will definitely bring you success" (￣?￣)

Mom seemed to enjoy this Tai Chi trick, so she changed the topic with satisfaction? Chen Sesame

13. The wife lay in her husband’s arms and asked: “Husband, if you had 10 billion, what would be the first thing you want to do?”

“I’ll divorce you. "My husband blurted out (he didn't think about it at the time, and felt like something bad was going to happen after he said it).

The wife was slightly angry: "What about the second thing?"

"Marry you back!" the husband said seductively.

“Why?” my wife wondered.

"It was too easy when I married you before, so I want to do it again to make your marriage more beautiful."

"Husband, you are so kind!" The wife looked touched. .

At that time, my husband really wanted to say to himself: "I'm so damn smart, I never got beaten." ?Lin Zhixia

14. I remember growing a tree at home when I was a child. A pear tree, after waiting for a long time, pears finally grew. I felt so happy, but I didn’t know if it was ripe yet, so I hugged the tree and took a bite of the pear. I found it was not delicious, so I let it sit on the tree. Keep on growing, am I very witty. Su Wanting

15. I really do! I have never seen a girl as smart as me!

I met a friend online, and we occasionally chatted about Hearthstone. That day we chatted a little more, and suddenly, he asked me

"How big are your bananas?" ”

…………………………………………

Oh my God, it’s bright and clear in broad daylight! This person actually asked me if the banana was big! How I want to say it proudly!

But I don’t have bananas, so I’m not happy.

(I’m sorry that pornographic girls are so imaginative and like to think wildly when they see bananas)

I originally wanted to reply with a strong heart:

“It’s quite big. "It's bigger than yours"

But I hesitated because this guy is usually upright and upright, and I am usually normal in front of him. I suspected that I might have understood something wrong.

But what else does this sentence mean? ! I can't believe it! ! ! Tell me! He wouldn't ask me if the banana I bought at the fruit stall at noon was big!

I thought about it, and I replied like this:

I was really too witty and cleverly answered a question that was difficult for a girl to answer.

However,

However,

I,

never expected that,

Are your bananas big? ? =Are you Xi'an Jiaotong University?

Oh! oh! oh! I really didn’t know Xi’an Jiaotong University had this name!

My clever response was in vain. Minato. ?Liu Gege

16. The police caught a man poaching lobsters at the beach and planned to fine him according to law.

Man: "What are you talking about? What kind of law am I breaking? These two lobsters are my pets. I take them out for a walk!"

Police: "I'm too lazy to listen to your nonsense. !"

Man: "Really, sir! They love to swim in the sea. As long as I whistle, they will swim back!"

Police: "This is me! Let’s take a look.” So the man threw the two lobsters into the waves. “Okay, let me see how you can get your pet lobster back.”

Man: “Lobster? What lobster?” "? Smile Yanran

17. I remember in junior high school, after every major exam, the teacher would ask us to make a summary and then read it to her in front of the whole class.

One time, when I read "The test results are okay this time..." I was interrupted by her.

"Is it okay? There are so many people in front of you, is this okay?... (Omit 2000 words)"

I didn't know it was her message Wrong, you still have such high expectations for me. (I was third in the class at the time) My grades in junior high school were not very good, so she had no reason to expect much from me. But she did scold me in front of the whole class.

After she finished scolding, I continued to read "... This time the test scores can be improved to a higher level, but the English reading is not good enough..." Akaza waits for kyu

18. One time, my mother and I went to have dinner at my uncle's house. I was a freshman in high school at that time. My mother complained to my uncle that my father was bullying her at home. My uncle didn't believe it.

Because my father did sometimes speak forcefully to my mother. But only at home, he is more introverted outside, and he is a good man.

At this time, my uncle asked me and asked me to say something. I wanted to express that my father was indeed a little too much, but I also didn’t want my uncle to feel that I was biased towards someone. So, I looked down at my rice and said: My dad has a wool coat and puts it on when he goes out. (Actually, he doesn’t.)

After saying this, my uncle thought for a second and said he would consider my words carefully.

19. Once in a self-study class, Er Zhuizui wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by others, so he decided to slam the table and let it go! Cover up the fart noise with a loud thumping sound on the table.

Simply witty.

He slapped the table hard, and the whole class immediately focused their attention on him...

Then he let out a super loud fart... Yu's witty and humorous little jokes 2

1. A man went to the African jungle to investigate. When he took out his camera to take a picture with a group of Aboriginal children, he found the children yelling at him. This person patiently explained to these children: "This is a camera, and it will not cause any harm to you. His principle is...

"The indigenous leader tried to interrupt several times but couldn't find a chance.

Finally when the man finished speaking, the indigenous leader smiled and said: "The children are actually telling you that you did not open the lens cover of the camera! ”

2. One afternoon, a young man was preparing to tee off on the golf course. At this time, an old man came over and asked if he could play a few rounds with him.

Because the young man was alone. One, he readily agreed.

After the tee shot, the old man hit the ball very well. Although the ball did not hit very far, he moved forward steadily and almost no time was wasted.

When they came to the ninth hole, the young man saw a large tree with leafy branches blocking the golf course.

The young man repeatedly observed and measured, trying to find a way to avoid the big tree.

A few minutes later, the old man spoke: "Young man, do you know? When I was your age, I would have hit the ball over the top of the tree with such force. "

Being provoked by the old man, the young man swung desperately and hit the ball. Unfortunately, the ball flew directly into the canopy of the tree, then fell to the ground and rolled in front of his eyes.

At this time, the old man said again: "Of course, when I was your age, this tree was only two meters high. "

3. A well-known painter went to a beautiful place in the countryside for vacation. He lived in a farmer's house. After breakfast every day, he went out to paint with paints and drawing books.

It wasn't until dusk when it got dark that he returned to the farmer's house. After having a good meal, he went to bed.

When the painter's vacation was over, he had to pay the farmer some money. .

But the farmer said, “No, I don’t need money. If you can, please give me a painting you made! "

When the painter saw that the farmer liked his painting so much, he expressed his heartfelt thanks.

The farmer continued: "I am not doing it for anything else. I have an unpromising son. He went abroad and wanted to be a painter. The next time he comes home, I will show him your paintings. I think this way, he will not think about it again. Become a painter. " 3 witty and humorous little jokes

1. The skills of a thief

In the eyes of everyone's condemnation, a habitual thief who committed crimes by picking locks was tied to the execution ground. Before the execution, he walked to The priest in front of him said to him: "My child, repent for your deep sins! Otherwise, the door of heaven will be closed to you."

"It doesn't matter, there is no door in the world that I can't open. "The thief replied!

2. The thief protested

At the exit of a supermarket, the administrator caught a thief and opened his bag and saw that All they stole were anti-theft locks. The administrator said to the thief: "Why did you steal so many locks?" ”

“Sir, I want to protest! If you sell this kind of lock, what will I do for a living in the future? "The thief replied angrily.

3. The thief's trick!

Xiao Zhang, who works in a printing factory, needs to ride a bicycle back and forth every day, but now the thief is very active, causing Xiao Zhang to Zhang has had 5 bicycles stolen, which is really distressing...

So Xiao Zhang thought of a way: he was fully armed, installed 9 locks on the bicycle, and attached a note saying: See how you steal it?

But one day after coming out of the movie, I discovered a strange thing: there was an extra lock on the bicycle. When I was wondering, I suddenly found that the note attached to the bicycle had been replaced. The content was changed to: How do you ride?

4. The thief's reply I folded the paper and put it in the envelope. After getting off the car, I discovered that the envelope had been stolen.

The next day, shortly after getting in the car, a certain gentleman felt a hard object on his waist. When he touched it, he saw that it was the envelope from yesterday. The envelope said: Please don’t make such a joke, it will affect your normal life. Works, thank you! !

5. Fashion

When two thieves passed by a newsstand, one said: "Wait a minute, I'm going to buy a fashion magazine."

"Buy it What’s the use?”

“We have to keep track of where the fashionable clothes are.”

6. Reduce the workload

At the exit of the supermarket. The administrator caught a thief. The administrator opened his wallet and saw that it was full of anti-theft locks.

The administrator asked the thief: "Why did you steal so many locks?"

"To reduce my workload."

7. A thief with self-respect

"You said you stole the food because you were about to starve to death, so why didn't you take the food but stole the cash box?" the judge asked.

"That's because I am a self-respecting person, Mr. Judge." said the thief, "I always follow this principle: I have to pay for everything I eat."

8. Can’t say

In court, the judge asked the thief: “How did you open that safe?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to say it, but I can’t say it, judge. "Sir," the thief said, "because there may be people in this court who want to eat my rice.";