Jokes are not meant for others to laugh at

How to tell the authenticity of RMB?

Prepare one hundred yuan. Fold it in half and then fold it in half again, put it on the ground and step on it N times. Pick it up and see if there is anyone on it. Nosebleeds, if there is bleeding, it is real. If there is no bleeding, it is false.

A county magistrate with a heavy accent went to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, Pickles are too expensive! ”

(Translation: Comrades, villagers, please pay attention! Don’t talk, it’s a meeting now!!)

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host People said: "Pick up pickles, sausages and pickles!"

(Translation: Now let's invite the township chief to speak!)

The township chief said: "Rabbits, the dog has eaten today's meal. We are all big bastards!”

(Translation: Comrades, today’s meal is enough, let’s all have a big bowl!)

No pickles, I’ll pick up a dog I'll lick my shit for you. ． ．

(Translation: Don’t talk, let me tell you a story...)

First line: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I am waiting for your call back. Second line: Live for you, die for you, wait for you all my life. Hengpi: Sent to the wrong person.

During the Forest Games, kangaroos and monkeys were praised by the Lion King for their high jumps. The bear was criticized and said unconvinced: I will jump over this bridge tomorrow! Lion King: Look, you are still on the bridge like a bear (you are still looking at it!)

I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I have been very worried after hearing this. , I will send you a text message immediately. If you are still alive, please reply to me!

The world knows that you have great martial arts skills, but you can’t be proud. There is a sword among people, a person among swords, and people and swords become one. Once you achieve this, you are no longer a human, but a swordsman. ! Sword man! Sword man!

Look at you, you have an American head, a French waist, an Indian nose, and athlete’s foot. You are neither human nor ghost. You have only one head and two legs. Look at you, you are still reading text messages. Keep your mouth shut!

Under the red sun and blue sky, farmers wanted to watch a Category III movie and rushed into the cinema excitedly, shaking the sky with angry shouts. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said, "The person who read the text message is not a star, and we won't pay him if he beats him to death."

Are your palms itchy? That means I miss your caress; are your lips itchy? That means I miss your passionate kiss; are you itchy...that means you are so dirty, why don't you go take a shower!

You are as diligent as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a puppy, as well-behaved as a kitten, as honest as an old cow, and as powerful as a tiger. No wonder others call you...a beast. !

Who has never had poop in his life? Who can defecate without paper? If you don't use toilet paper, you must use your fingers!

It's just a gust of wind, but it's so eternal; it's just a dream, but it's so real; you lower your head and say nothing, but I can't calm down, and finally I can't help but say to you: "I'll say it first." "Sound!"

If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish cannot swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you... fools will not exist.

I can't eat in the morning because I miss you. I can't eat in the afternoon because I miss you even more. I can't eat in the evening because I miss you crazily. I can't sleep at night because I miss you so much. .........I'm hungry

I heard that your mobile phone does not have text messaging function, so I sent this text message as a test. If you receive a text message that is confirmed to have the SMS function and is mine, please reply: I have it, it’s yours!

One ring means I miss you; two rings means I miss you so much! Three times, I miss you very much! Four tones, I miss you very much; five tones - demo, it’s time to answer the phone!

I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting lonely, just so that one day when you walk by me, I will fall for you. If I can’t smash you, it will be in vain. alive.

The beggar took the monkey along the street to beg. He asked the monkey to laugh and it laughed, he asked the monkey to cry and it cried, he asked the monkey to bow and it bowed, and he asked the monkey to read text messages and it read text messages.

That day when you were participating in a football match, you shot a volley. Before the goalkeeper could react, the ball went in! We all applauded and cheered for you. You got up, patted your butt and said: Damn, the ground is too slippery!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly----Pig !

All the water tribes congratulated the old Dragon King on his birthday. During the dinner, Prime Minister Turtle took something out of his arms, looked at it, and then put it back.

The Dragon King hurriedly asked: What's wrong with Prime Minister Turtle? The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: The old bastard received another text message.

I thought about you a lot last night, and after much thought, you were the coolest. I searched for you in my dreams a thousand times, and when I looked back, I found you chained deep in someone’s donkey shed. How cruel! cruel! Calm down after reading the message!

Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to find you. Can you pick me up at the station? But I'm afraid there are so many people that it's hard to recognize me. Make your head explode, hold a wooden stick in your right hand, and a porcelain bowl in your left hand to contact me. The secret code for the connection is: OK!

I dreamed of you. You made clothes out of white clouds, borrowed wings from a bird, stuck a broom behind your butt, and then flew to my side like a sword, telling me affectionately: You Do you know? This is what Birdman looks like.

I once thought there was a better one, but over and over again I realized that the best is right around me, just like you. At first, I didn't take you seriously, but as time went by, I realized that you were the best... to bully!

I am determined to do 3 big things for the people of the country: 1. Repair elevators on Mount Everest 2. Lay ceramic tiles on the Great Wall 3. Install reverse gears on airplanes; 3. Small things: 1. Put on gloves for flies 2. Put on masks for mosquitoes 3 Feed you some pig feed.

You were traveling to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, and were attacked by a group of wild boars on the way. The tourists took out food and money, but the wild boars were unmoved. You took out your only ID card, and the group of pigs knelt down and cried bitterly: Boss, we have found you!

You are a 10 carefree person, and often have fun with 9. 8 cannot have hundreds of millions of money at home. You have abandoned 7 for many years. You are busy all day long, looking for prey. 5 needs to ask more questions, and 4 nature If you don't change and still have two minds, you must not be a good person.

You are very creative. Living is your courage. Being ugly is not your original intention. Without you, who can bring out the beauty of the world!

After reading about the Three Kingdoms, Tiger went to catch wild boars. When he saw that there was no pig in the pig nest, he touched his beard and said: Empty City Strategy! When he turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap, he was shocked: a cruel trick! Suddenly I saw you again, and I was overjoyed: Oh, there’s still a beauty trap!

The toad pursued the swan, and the swan said disdainfully: If you had grown up like this, I would have died! The toad was dissatisfied: So the pig is still alive and well? The pig heard this and felt aggrieved: I provoked someone, I was just reading text messages!

There is a kind of longing called dreaming, there is a kind of love called growing old, there is a kind of beauty called beautiful appearance, there is a kind of promise called forever, there is a kind of greeting called hello little pig!

I don’t want to be alone, I also want to have someone. When I walk on the street, I see handsome men and beautiful women holding hands, but I hold my left hand and my right hand. I have nothing else to ask for now, I just want to go out with you. I'm leaving, but I'm afraid my friends will say: Don't always walk your dog when you have nothing to do.

During a military exercise, an artillery shell strayed far away. I was sent to check and found that the artillery shell exploded in the farmland. You stood there with ragged clothes and dark eyes. With tears in your eyes, you said to me: Steal a shell. Cabbage deserves to be bombarded!

I miss the days when we walked together, the spring was bright and the birds were singing and the flowers were fragrant. The folks all praise you for being so beautiful and cute. The folks also praised me for being so smart and capable, even at such a young age, I came out to herd pigs.

When you are personally empty and lonely, watermelon may be your best outlet. You can cut it, peel it, chop it, split it with a knife, and at the same time you can shout loudly: I will kill the melon, I kill the melon, I kill the melon!

1 The "New Queen" sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change..." The "bookworm" who was reading suddenly raised his head and asked: "Isn't the bathroom empty?"

2 The men's and women's bathhouses in the school share the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and happened to meet a school girl walking out in a wet state. The bookworm couldn't dodge and said hello: "Are there many people in there?"

3 Once I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us our food. Afterwards, a beggar came up with a bowl and walked up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he was asking for money. My friend was chatting with me, and he thought it was the waiter who was bringing the food, so he didn't turn around and took the rice bowl from the beggar's hand and put it in front of him. We were all stunned when we saw the beggar there, and he even wanted to cry without tears (I beat him to death

I never imagined that there would be people snatching jobs)~~~

4 I had a buddy in college I met a beautiful woman on campus and fell in love with her at first sight, and I was obsessed with her every day.

One day at noon when he and I went out to eat, the beautiful woman was passing by. My buddy immediately pulled me to follow her. He saw the beautiful woman entering a restaurant, so we sat in too. I advised

my buddy: "You are already a senior, so hurry up~" So he mustered up the courage, walked forward, suppressed his blush and asked: "Classmate, what is your name?" That beauty< /p>

The woman looked at my buddy in shock: "My name is beef noodles." The guy was so stupid at the time, and I burst out laughing!

5 Tongtong asked his mother: "Why do you call Mr. Jiang 'ancestor'?" Mom said: "Because 'ancestor' is a name for the dead."

Tongtong said: "Should those deceased grandmothers be called 'fresh milk'?"

6 A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 o'clock in the morning and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class." "Now!" Then two people immediately got up to put on their clothes. I was playing on PC at the time.

7 One night after eating the bitter melon that I hate the most, I said: "XXX (my mother's name), why don't you make me bitter melon again

Death..." He may have yelled loudly at that time, and my mother who was sleeping in the other pavilion heard it. The next morning, she angrily interrogated me.

.....I had a crazy K-fight...It can be said that I was beaten while hanging...

8 A classmate went horse riding during the day and was still excited at night. Later, We fell asleep and we played cards. After a while, the man said: Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!!!!< /p>

9 There was a classmate who liked to smoke while pooping. Once he came out of the toilet and said loudly to us: "Ah~~it feels so good to smoke while smoking"

Crazy

Before 10, the first thing I said when I returned to the dormitory was: "Is there anyone who can call me?" Beat and scold "You are my grandfather's son!" "The whole dormitory laughed wildly after a second of silence!

12 When I was a child, I had a stomachache after eating something bad. The next day I wrote a sick note to the teacher: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach feels uncomfortable.

After taking it, I had diarrhea and vomiting in the morning. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.

13 Once, I was eating at home with my cousin. I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissue paper. My cousin hurriedly shouted, "Hurry up, hurry up, go get some toilet paper." Toilet

14 His deskmate dropped something on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and stepped on it with his foot. Unexpectedly, he stepped on his hand and he was furious: "How dare you step on my foot?!"

15 When I was in high school, classroom discipline was chaotic. The teacher grabbed XXX in anger and said: XXX, stand on the wall! ~~~~~~~~~~The whole class was violent

Han~~~

16 There was a time when a foreign teacher showed Mandarin while giving a lecture in a large classroom. I originally wanted to give him face, I praised him for speaking Mandarin very well, but the way he said it became your standard Mandarin. He spoke very well, Han, and people laughed at me.

17 and MM were in front of a stall selling soy milk and fried dough sticks. I shouted: "Boss, I want a piece of fried dough sticks with soy milk." MM burst into laughter.

18 My high school Chinese teacher said during class: You guys are like a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . The whole room burst into laughter!

When I was in the third grade of elementary school at 19, a classmate invited us to dinner for her birthday. When I got home, I told my mother: "Mom, my classmate is inviting me to dinner today for her wedding!"< /p>

20 There were so many people in the restaurant, I shouted loudly: Boss, please have some chili without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: Table 11, add some unseasoned chili! ! ! . . .

21 Me: That’s our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

Before 22’s mother went out to play mahjong, she said to me: “Put all the clothes in the refrigerator and pick up all the vegetables in the washing machine~~~~~

23 My girl was out shopping! Suddenly she saw a crow flying in the sky, so she said: "Oh, this frog flies so low!" I fainted

24 I always make this mistake...because I talk a lot

One time in junior high school, when I was reading a text, it was XX wandering in the corridor, so I read it as XX is in Lewdness in the corridor...the teacher's face turned red.

When I was in high school, I went out with my classmates. There was a China Everbright Bank next to the school. It had just opened, so the red cloth was still hanging on the sign... but the cloth was already there

The Chinese characters were blocked... I pronounced it as "Guoguang Bank"... My classmates laughed like crazy, and I couldn't hold my head up for several years!

25 A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much, and then he made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine. ．

On the 26th, I once listened to the radio. It was some kind of shopping guide hotline. When someone called in, the host asked him: "What is your surname?"

He replied: "No surname. Your Majesty!~~~~~"

Buying oranges at 27, the boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It’s too expensive. It costs five yuan for three pounds. Boss: No, no.

28 To the grandmother who reacted quickly: The day you were sitting on the bus, the 252 driver made an emergency brake. You lost your center of gravity and rushed out. You actually asked the driver:

"Look for me. What's the matter?"

29 To my dear students: Although instructor, I am really busy, but if you see me in the toilet, please don't say to me: "Instructor, you are so busy, why do you do it yourself?

Go to the bathroom!”

It was very hot for 30 days, but the school had a power outage. From day to 10 o’clock in the evening, our girls’ dormitory was very quiet at night. Everyone was enjoying the cool air on the balcony, boys< /p>

The dormitory was very lively. After a commotion, the boys seemed to have reached some kind of consciousness. They only heard an organized shout from the corridor opposite: "Incoming call, incoming call"

Call , we are going to call!" About 10 minutes later, the school actually called. There was a burst of cheers from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.

It was not until the lights-out time of 11 o'clock in the evening that the boys were due to a power outage. The time was too short, and they started to shout in unison again: "Delay, delay, we need to delay!"

The school, which has always been strict, actually agreed to this group of people's unreasonable request and extended it for the first time. The time of the call.

Just as we were preparing to take a break, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys were too excited, because their two children were not usually

possible The request was actually fulfilled by the school, so... a more organized and powerful voice came from the boys' dormitory opposite:

"Women... ..Women...We want women!!!"

31 If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

32 A friend asked me about my computer Configuration, I said the monitor is a color screen. (Originally I wanted to talk about LCD)

A high school classmate of class 33 (a boy) walked into the noodle shop and flipped his hair coolly: "Boss, 2 liang of green onions and no rice noodles!" After that, he added: < /p>

“Please order more rice noodles!” Boss: “...Do you want rice noodles or green onions?”

34. One time, the mother of a classmate in the dormitory called me.

I'm used to saying "He's not here", but this time what I want to say is "He's gone"

The result is: "He's... gone"

p>

35. Everyone in high school is given a name badge. . Before coming for an inspection once, the head teacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, everyone, put on your bras quickly and come for an inspection.

. The whole place was silent. . .

36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly shouted: "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Hushubao?"

37. My dormitory A high school classmate of a classmate called and asked who he was looking for. I said he wasn't here and then said thank you.

38. Someone came to my aunt's house as a guest before and she just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet.

She quickly greeted the guests and said, "You guys sit down.

Sit down. I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

39. Our unit has a car to pick you up when you go to work in the morning, because The car is not big. Once, after I got on the bus, there was no seat. A male colleague sitting next to me quickly stood up and greeted her enthusiastically: "So-and-so, you sit on my butt." Let’s go!” I was laughing until I got out of the car~!

40. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue. We were at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, he slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid!

I am not stupid!

41. A buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At lunch time, two people entered a beef ramen restaurant. The girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me 2 bowls of ramen~~~ The chef said: Do you want to eat? I poop when I eat.

42. When I was young, people selling popsicles and ice cream usually pushed bicycles to sell them. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot.

(I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

43 Once the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected recess exercises. After the end, the physical education teacher was supposed to announce the "disbandment", but in a moment of urgency, he forgot the words and suppressed them.

For a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"

44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan. I was halfway up the mountain and was about to take a break when I saw the road. There was an Obasan who was buying souvenirs.

He went up and asked: "My wife..."

45. When I was studying in class, everyone was there Watching the review, GG said to MM: "I just memorized the words, help me write them silently." MM didn't want to be silent, so GG begged her, please (touch) silence me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't bear it anymore and shouted, "Teacher, look, I don't want to (touch) him, but he insists on me (touching) him~~~!" ! !

46. One day I went to a classmate’s house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He originally wanted to call her uncle, but he made the mistake of saying, “Dad,”

Come and take a seat!”~~Han! Most of my classmates were laughing so hard

47. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I have always wondered what he grew up eating. "

48. When I was in elementary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. When I refused, he stalked me, and then I yelled with all my strength.

"I won't marry (lend) to you" At that time, the classmates immediately became quiet,,,.

49. One time when I asked for a song on KTV, a girl shouted loudly: Order a song for me. "Double Jaylen"...

50. I spit on your face!

51 I went to work this morning to catch the bus and arrived at the station. By that time, the car had started, so I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me!" Master, wait for me! ”

At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the car window and said to me: “Wukong, please stop chasing me.” "

52 A customer ran into the tailor shop angrily.

Pointing to the fashion design designed for him by the shop owner, he said: "I stood at the corner of the street and yawned, and the two of them stuffed the letter into it. In my mouth! ”

53 The primary school student participated in the school’s recitation competition for the first time. She was very nervous. The teacher encouraged her for a long time, but her palms were still sweaty. Finally it was her turn. The primary school student gritted her teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps. : Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)... (the maple leaves are red)

54 When I was still a primary school student, I saw that the teacher asked me to read a composition. I am very envious of my classmates and always hope that the teacher will let me read it.

The opportunity has finally come.

So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!

The primary school student stood up and said: "My Teacher". Teacher, I look so much like your mother... 55 This time I am a student of a song and dance troupe. A poor host.

She came on stage in a hurry without preparing properly. It was her turn to announce: Audience friends, please listen.

(Du)zi flute playing...

56 At home, I often plant green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year and happily said to my mother: Hey! Mom, this is so thick... My mother and I both laughed.

There is a neighbor in 57 who I call Auntie. She rides a bicycle to work every day. Early in the morning, when I met her at the door, I smiled and said politely: Shanggu,

Taiwan... Bah! ...I wanted to bite my tongue off.

58 A certain female classmate was feeling pity for herself one day, and suddenly turned to the person behind her and said: Is my chest hair beautiful? He was startled and said: Oh, I am

I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.

59 When I was a primary school student, I expressed my determination at the school meeting: We must learn the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army in crossing snowy mountains and climbing grass. From then on

I was deprived of the right to speak politically for life!

60 When I was a child, my dad told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese language book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she was a prostitute to save the lives of the entire village

, an old man came forward to save her, and the line was: Xiao Xiangzi, are you crazy? ! But in the era of ***, a poor rural child read aloud: Little madman, are you sweet?