30 Very Funny Classic Quotations

1, the weather is cold, please add clothes in time, pay attention to keep warm and be lewd.

2, the crowd looked for her thousands of Baidu, suddenly looking back, that person still shrugged off me.

3. If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

Give me a pillow and I can sleep for a century.

5. The poor monk came from the Eastern Tang Dynasty and made a special trip to the Western Heaven to worship Buddha and find relatives.

No one can take your place in my heart, because you have no place in my heart at all.

7, people have a plenty of background, and I only have a back ~ ~.

8. I am not a fortune teller in the square. I can't say so much you like to hear.

9. When a playboy meets easy virtue, it will be a heavyweight confrontation in a sexual storm.

10, brushing your teeth is a bittersweet thing, because you have a cup in one hand and a washing utensil in the other.

1 1. Life is like a super girl, and the last men are pure men.

12, there is a perfect heart hidden under the awesome appearance.

13, marriage is to wear cotton-padded clothes freely, which is inconvenient to move, but it will be warm.

14, a winding river in front of my brother; There are waves on my sister's chest

15, thank you, thank you uncle, thank you family, thank you ancestors for 18 generations.

16, my heart doesn't go with love, so I agreed to spend the night.

17, I'm a legend, don't ask which unit I work for.

18, gold always shines, but when there is gold everywhere, I don't know which one I am.

19. Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, someone praised my left nostril as an idol.

20. People laugh at me for not wearing anything, and I laugh at others for not wearing anything.

2 1, there are not many ladies in the world, but there are many dresses.

22. Don't give up, never leave this life; If you don't like it, die.

23. When I have money, I will take the person I hate the most to the best mental hospital!

24. Raise your head 45 degrees just to stop your nose, and lower your head 45 degrees just to wipe your nose so that others can't see it.

25. The girl who looks up at the sky is lonely, and the boy who looks up at the sky is looking for UFOs!

As long as you live better than me, I can't stand it.

27. I found a QB on the roadside.

28. People like me who have no knowledge and education can only be proprietress in the future!

29. Facts have proved that feelings can withstand wind and rain, but they cannot withstand dullness; Friendship can stand the dull, but it can't stand the wind and rain.

30. Gold always shines, but when there is gold everywhere, I don't know which one I am.

30 hilarious classic quotations _ absolutely classic funny

1, has been urging her husband to exercise and keep fit. Yesterday, I had a whim to see his exercise results and said, touch my abdominal muscles. My husband took my hand and put it on my stomach, saying it was abdomen; Then I moved my hand down and said it was chicken, but I couldn't refute it.

2. Many people say that there is a huge difference between the north and the south of China. After personal experience, I feel no difference. You can't find a girlfriend in the north, and you can't find a girlfriend in the south.

I quietly bought a Chinese corset for Shenma A a few days ago, and put it on last night, which made me sexy in front of my husband. . . He said, You look like Nezha, Nezha and Nezha in this.

4. In summer, a friend went to a powder shop to eat powder. After getting the powder, he shouted: boss, please turn off the electric fan! The boss said it was so hot. Why did you turn off the electric fan? I'm afraid these pieces of meat will fly!

While eating in the restaurant, the waiter mopped the floor and the mop touched my newly bought leather shoes. He apologized to me and said, handsome boy, I'm sorry, please take your feet away. Seeing that the newly bought leather shoes were stained, I said angrily, are you blind? After listening to this, he changed his mind and said, Ugly, I'm sorry, please stop.

6. I finally know what it means to die if you don't die. Lz takes the bank exam, just like the first subject of driving license exam. It answers questions by computer, gives points on the spot, and the discipline in the examination room is very strict. It is forbidden to use irrelevant items such as mobile phones. This is the background. Yesterday, when the exam was cut, a sister handed in her paper and just passed the score line. She was overjoyed. She immediately took out her mobile phone to take a photo, then prepared to upload it, and then the result was cancelled.

7. A fat girl jumped into the river on the bridge and held her hand when passing by the citizens. I think everyone guessed the latter thing. Because it was too heavy, this kind-hearted citizen also fell down.

8. Lacrimosa, my niece is lovelorn. I comforted her: My uncle is already there. You have to believe that it's nothing to be lovelorn once, and you will meet better people later. She sobbed and replied, You are a liar! I said, I'm your uncle. Why did I lie to you? She sneered: I mean, you haven't even talked about love, you are not an experienced person at all!

At the company meeting, I briefly reported the latest sales situation to my boss. The boss said, you'd better be specific. So I held my voice and said it again.

10, girlfriend's parents don't agree with us. Ok, I bought a mahjong machine for my mother-in-law who likes playing mahjong, 10 Chinese for my father-in-law who likes smoking, and a notebook for my brother. All right.

1 1, a great colleague in the company, loves his health very much, never smokes or drinks, and never eats out. Cook for yourself. Washing vegetables is afraid of pesticide residues, so I wholesale a box of Erguotou for washing vegetables. One year, he was diagnosed with severe alcoholic fatty liver in the company's physical examination.

12, everyone has different values. Some people think that iphone6 is expensive, while others are different. They think iphone6 is crazy.

13, chatting in the office in the morning. A sales buddy said that he accompanied a client to find a girl last night, and he took one away when he met one that was ok. After taking a shower and removing makeup, I found Nima ugly. Another colleague asked me how ugly she was, just like your daughter-in-law! Then the whole office was a sensation.

14, in fact, I don't like people always asking me whether I am important or work. What matters is me or the game? Such a question. One is that I am really busy sometimes, and the other is that I have to devote myself to everything. It's like I can't help kissing you when I shit. Are you saying that shit is more important than you?

15, my wife used to say that she would buy a doll for me after she got pregnant. To tell the truth, she was still very curious and fulfilled her promise after pregnancy. . . Fuck you, 1.8-meter-tall bear. .

16, after dinner, I had a big fight with my wife. My wife was so angry that I turned to open the door: I'm not worried about the danger of dark outside. Don't leave me! That special man left home happily, striding all the way: Nima, my brothers are waiting for me!

17, my husband and I had a fierce argument this time! I packed my luggage and stood at the door looking at my husband with tears in my eyes. Who knows he just stopped drinking beer, without a word! I dragged my luggage in a rage and slammed the door ... As soon as I got downstairs, my husband chased me out. I know he loves me and won't let me go! Husband: Help me take down the beer bottle. ...

18, my wife doesn't like the smell of orange peel, and she thinks breaking orange peel will leave a smell on her hands, so she created a wonderful method of breaking oranges without touching the taste. The steps are as follows: 1, take out an orange with a stem. 2. break the orange stalk. 3. The orange stem made a hole in the orange peel, and then slowly peeled off the other skins. If nothing happens, I will help her break up in the second step.

19. Successful men have their own careers, beautiful wives and good brothers. God replied: Do you know the Water Margin? There was a biscuit buyer, a beautiful wife and a good brother, but he died miserably in the end.

20. An old classmate I haven't contacted for a long time asked me on QQ: Are you there? Seeing that I didn't respond for a long time, he added: Don't worry, I didn't come to borrow money from you today. I'm relieved: what is it? Can I borrow money from you tomorrow?

2 1. It's very cold in our northeast now. I think Wang Chao still wears ripped jeans to work, and his legs are ugly with cold. Out of the concern of the leader for his subordinates, I asked him: Why don't you wear long pants today? Wang Chao said: Yes, I also cut holes in the corresponding position of the autumn trousers.

22. A man decided to donate human organs before he died. The doctor asked him what he wanted to donate. He said something awesome: I want to donate my penis, even if I am gone, I will make it cool.

23. I feel a little sleepy when I get on the expressway. The second-class daughter-in-law just learned her driver's license and said she could drive. I sleep next to her. Soon the second-class daughter-in-law woke me up and said, honey, where is the brake? I suddenly woke up.

24. Aunt: Young man, can you give me your seat? Young man: Auntie, can you dance square dance? Aunt: Of course, I am the lead dancer: then stand.

25. A taxi driver pulled a man. The man said, master, remember to take the front corner. Driver: Go straight. Passenger: The curve. Driver: Go straight. Passenger: I said it was a bend. The driver was furious: I fucking said I knew, and it was endless! ! ! !

26. As soon as a person reaches grade 25 or 26, he will receive the main task of getting married. This task is very difficult. You should take part in various activities, blind date and date first. Then you can get the key prop girlfriend, and then you have to take this girlfriend to carry out various team activities to make the intimacy reach the standard. Finally, you have to spend a lot of gold coins to buy various props. After these incidental tasks are completed, there is also a hidden task of buying a house and a car. After buying everything, complete the wedding task. The reward is a wife! After that, I will take my wife to fight the little monster and reward a lovely pet. This is even more annoying! You must take out more gold coins to buy medicine and take him to upgrade! Pay him to learn technology! Raised for more than 20 years! ! Also be careful of a man named Lao Wang, who is a professional hacker! Alas! Tremble!

27. When Ma Yun was having tea with Wang Jianlin, he received a phone call: I tied your son and prepared 654.38+00,000 cash in half an hour, otherwise the ticket will be killed! Ma Yun panicked and quickly asked Wang Jianlin: Do you have 1 10,000 change on you? Wang Jianlin is unhappy: You treat me like a beggar! Ma Yun said the situation, and Wang Jianlin comforted him: Don't worry! Maybe there is one in my driver's car. Let me ask!

28. Pang found a magic lamp at the seaside, rubbed it a few times, and an elf came out and said, Young man, you saved me, and I can satisfy any of your wishes. Pang Langmai thought for a moment and said, Please shut up. With that, Pang continued to rub the magic lamp.

Yesterday, a customer came to the company's sales department. I was told that the down payment was 1.2 million yuan. At this time, he asked a comrade, I have a debt of 200 thousand here, can it be used to offset the down payment? Suddenly, everyone in the sales office ............

30. For those boys who mock that girls can spend Halloween without makeup, you can spend Children's Day without pants.

30 classic life quotations with great philosophy

1 Touch people's lives when facing others, and go deep into your own soul when examining yourself.

Caring too much becomes a fetter, and being lost for too long becomes a pain. Too much care will reduce the fun of life. If you look down on everything, you will get more relief from life.

A person becomes himself, that is, he has reached the peak of happiness.

The growth of every big tree must accept the sunshine and endure the wind and rain.

People who think they have wealth are actually owned by wealth.

There is a kind of fate, which becomes a landscape after being put down. Have a heart and stick to China's sincerity. You see, I am close to heaven; You don't understand. I'm a passer-by

No matter how many people you love, no matter how painful and happy you love, in the end, you have not learned how to love, but how to love yourself.

Emotions such as sadness are a waste of short life and really unnecessary.

People who can think of others will never be lonely.

30 classic life quotations with great philosophy

10 plan doesn't change as fast as the telephone, so leave room for yourself and others to set goals. But it must be carried out as planned.

Remedying a mistake has nothing to do with time. It's never too late to take the initiative to seek a new beginning.

12 Smoking and drinking are not as terrible as people describe, but you should have the virtue of smoking and drinking.

13 Learn to express your ideas correctly, and practice from now on, the more direct the better.

14 if you want to leave footprints in your life, you must take one step at a time; If you want to take fewer detours in life, you must think twice before you leap.

15 The world is as big as your heart. You just expect a steamed bun every day, and that's it for you.

16 What is lacking is superficial money, essential ideas, choices in fate, courage in bones, knowledge in the stomach, persistence in career and changes in action!

17 when you are old, you will easily let go of some things, forgive someone, be too lazy to care, disdain to be angry, and bury a lot of things you want to say in your heart. On the other hand, moderate innocence, impulsiveness, saying stupid things and being stupid are the most powerful proof that you are still young. Never demand your own growth. It is natural to grow up, and sometimes it is more important to forgive yourself than to forgive others.

18 life needs a little adventurous spirit, otherwise you can't seize the highlands; Life needs a little risk awareness, so that we can effectively protect ourselves.

19 vanity is a woman's patent. Don't be vain Being a man is shameful.

Being hurt can hone your mind, being cheated can increase your knowledge, being abandoned can teach you the ability to stand on your own feet, and being criticized can fuel your wisdom.

2 1 Don't try to guess what others think. If there is no correct judgment with wisdom and experience, mistakes will usually be made.

Good athletes are healthy, good thinkers are wise, good helpers are happy, good readers are knowledgeable, good tourists are happy, and good pursuers are successful.

You can have nothing, but you can never have nothing.

Our life is really hard. First, we must bear all kinds of external pressures, and more importantly, we must face our own inner confusion. In the struggle, if someone gives you an understanding look, you will feel the warmth of life. Maybe just a brief glance is enough to make me feel excited.

The greatest wealth of 25 people is health, the most important content of health is physique, the most critical part of physique is brain, and the most valuable thing of brain is thought.

You should tolerate those who have different views from you, so that life will be easier. It will be painful for you if you keep trying to change him. Learn how to put up with him. You must learn how to tolerate him.

Don't always feel despised, first ask yourself if you have any weight.

There is only one way to choose, and that is the way to give up; There is only one way you can't refuse, and that is the way to grow up. If you want more than others, you have to pay more than others.

Anyone can give up, never give up on yourself!

The basis of life includes not only all the answers we get, but also all the questions we ask.

30 classic quotations of love

1. Let what truly belongs to you finally belong to you.

2. At the end of the road, there is another road, as long as you are willing to go; Sometimes, it seems that there is no way, but it's your turn!

3, 3 Love is actually a habit. You are used to having him in your life, and he is used to having you in his life. I don't feel anything when I have it, but once I lose it, it's like losing everything.

Every step of life needs to pay a price. I got what I wanted and lost what I didn't want to lose. But all the people in this world, who is not like this?

5. If you miss something, you will meet something new. Fate is, neither early nor late, just right.

6. As if nothing had happened, it turned out to be the best revenge. Why do you want to prove something to someone who is not worth it? Live better for yourself.

7. The biggest advantage of maturity is that I don't want what I didn't get before.

8. In this city, I believe there must be someone who thinks the same way, has a similar frequency, and arranged to meet me at a lonely exit of a station.

9. Even a small thorn will hurt you more than anything else in the world.

10, because it is dull, our love sometimes drifts away from the original warm harbor; Because of curiosity, our journey will inadvertently turn to a crossroads. Just when you want to turn around, you will hear love crying in a low voice behind you.

1 1. You always like to put things off until the next day. You can't always procrastinate like this. One day, you will have a lot to do, and the rest of your life will not be enough for you.

12, the only thing that can save you is yourself. You don't have to dwell on external judgment, fall into the eyes of others and distort yourself to please the world.

13. If we can love bravely, forgive bravely, be generous because of the happiness of others, and be smart enough to know that there is enough love around us, then we have completed the completeness that other creatures have never known.

14, there is only one way in the world, and no one can go except you. Where does it lead? Stop asking. Let's go. When a man doesn't know where his path will lead him, he has climbed higher than ever before.

15, time didn't wait for me, but you forgot to take me away, so we were scattered in the strange wind and rain and forgot each other from now on.

16, many times, we live too tired for three reasons: we can't let go. Can't let go of people far away, what has happened and what has been lost; Can't let go for a while, can't let go of a memory; I can't let go of success or failure, and I can't let go of everything that doesn't belong to me. After years of rendering and the ups and downs of the sea of people, we know that it will be easy to let go, it will be free to let go, and the person who lets go first is the happiest.

17. If I were a tear, I would fall on your lips and stay in your heart. If you were a tear in my eyes, I would never cry in my life, because I am afraid of losing you.

18, now I understand that a person can be sad without emotion, words and expressions.

19, there are always countless people passing by in life. Not every encounter can be condensed together, and not every invitation can be transformed into a mutual friend. Life is so long and there are so many variables in life, sometimes the person you think will accompany you all your life can only accompany you for a while. Fortunately, we always keep a little hope for eternity, so as not to miss the next time love comes.

20. The sky loves the earth, but it is too far away from it. Therefore, whenever the sky misses the earth, it will rain cats and dogs.

2 1, learn when you can; When you can do something, you do it; You can fall in love again when you can fall in love; Get married when you can. When the environment does not allow, you can't force it; Then, don't give up. This is a philosophy of life that one should have.

22. I won't think too much about the future, because the future is produced by the present. If we can take care of the present, then we can take care of the future. The future will not come for no reason, it will start from this moment, and the next moment will also start from this moment. If this moment is beautiful, quiet and happy, then the next moment will be more quiet and happy.

If one day I can't help asking, you must lie to me. No matter how much you hate it, don't tell me that the person you love most is not me.

24, even if, in front of this man, everything is fine, everything is fine, he doesn't love you, this shortcoming, you can never change.

25, love is like a luxurious feast, often dressed up to attend, the result is always full of wolves. And when the next feast comes, you still have to dress up.

26. If you don't love me, I will be old.

27. I've been looking for that feeling, that feeling of holding a pair of warm hands on a cold day.

28, love is like picking fruit, picking it too early, the fruit is immature, bitter and astringent, and it is difficult to swallow; Picked too late, the fruit is fully mature, either falling from the branches or being preempted by others. Picking fruits in time is not only a kind of wisdom, but also a kind of fate. It is not easy to pick a lovely fruit in this life. It is a nature to hold the fruit in the palm of your hand when it is the most abundant. .

29. I just hope that after three years, five years and ten years. One day, when we meet, we can recognize each other. You shout, I miss you so much. At that moment, I will burst into tears.

30. If you love someone, you only have her (him) in your eyes and her (him) in your heart. How can you be tempted by others? What distance, what loneliness, what temptation, what helplessness, what impulse. In the world of flowers, there are many excuses for not loving enough.