Please be funny ~ not too long ~ everyone!

1, a priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed, and the priest scolded, "Damn, missed!" Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" " The nun said, "God will punish you for swearing as a priest. "The words sound just fell and she heard a loud thunder chopping the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of god from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

2. Believer: "Almighty God, how long is 10,000 years for you?"

God: "I blinked."

Believer: "What about 654.38 billion?"

God: "It's just a hair of mine."

Believer: "Oh, merciful God, please give me a hair."

God: "No problem, I'll give it to you in a blink."

The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

4. There was a man who had a son in middle age and liked him very much. He tried to bring up his son and put him through college. His son is dressed in a suit and has a red face, but he is ragged and hungry. He saved money to buy a house for his son, married a wife, and became old himself. However, his son was unfilial and kicked him out of the house on a stormy night. The old man came to a ruined temple to take shelter from the rain. The old man was very sad and sighed: God, why is it so unfair to me? After a flash of lightning, an old voice said, "This is karma." At this time, the old man saw an older man coming in and out of the corner of the ruined temple. The old man was startled: "Are you a god?" The older man said, "asshole! You kicked me out more than twenty years ago. I'm your father. You don't know me anymore? "

In the barber's shop, when the priest finished cutting his hair and paying the money, the barber said, "I won't accept your money, so I will serve God." The next morning, the barber saw a thank-you letter and some bibles at the door of the shop.

A few days later, a policeman had to pay for a haircut. The barber said, "I don't accept your money. I only serve our community."

The next morning, the barber saw another thank-you letter and some community service manuals at the door of the shop.

A few days later, a government official came to have a haircut and paid for it. The barber said to him, "I will serve the government if I don't accept your money." The next morning, the barber saw a row of government officials standing in front of the door.

6. One day, Clinton's wife, Chirac, was taken to see God. She found many watches hanging in God's living room, some walking fast and some walking slowly. So she asked God's servant, "Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don't go so fast? "

The servant of God said, "These watches represent human life. Everyone in the world has a watch. If he has a lot of business, his watch will go fast, but if he has no business, his watch will go slow. "

Chirac looked around and said, "Why didn't I see my husband Clinton's watch?" The servant of God said, "Your husband's watch was taken to the office by God as an electric fan!

7. An old couple born in the same year and the same month lived together for 35 years. Today, they held a grand banquet to celebrate their 60th birthday. During the dinner, God came. God praised the old couple as a real "loving couple" and promised to give each of them a wish. The old lady said excitedly, "We are poor. I just want to have a good look at the world and make a trip around the world. "

God waved his hand, and with a bang, a dozen plane tickets fell into the old lady's hand from the air. It's the old man's turn to make a wish. He thought for a moment and said, "I want to marry a woman 30 years younger than me."

Here comes God again. Bang! ……

The old man suddenly turned 90.

8. God pinched a person with mud, and there was a person from then on;

There were white people first-because God put clay figurines on the fire and roasted them lightly;

Secondly, there are blacks-because they are worried that the heat will not reach the result;

Later, when we mastered the best temperature, we became yellow, so we were God's most successful masterpiece.

9. Little Peter proudly said to his friend, "My uncle is a priest, and everyone calls him a respected priest."

Little Paul said, "My uncle is a bishop, and everyone who talks to him calls him your Excellency."

Rakus Jr. was unconvinced: "What's the big deal? My uncle weighs 150kg. "

When everyone saw him, they all shouted, "Oh! Oh, my God! "

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. When the teacher was angry, he picked up xxx and said xxx: stand on the wall! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

Me: That's our physics teacher. . . Classmate: What do you teach? Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12, I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of white powder!"

13, one day when I was at school, I received a phone call from my classmate and handed it to me, saying, "Fuck you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions?

15, once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

As a result, the lawsuit was low, and the curtain call analysis was: "He ... left."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach.

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. Once, we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, and the tour guide just introduced that the 100-step ladder is the scenic spot of Liu Xiaoqing Xiaohua. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female students came to my house to play, and I went to fetch some water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room, and then I shouted to lower my voice. The tone is wrong, and I am speechless. My face is going to faint.

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer doesn't work well, and it always crashes. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . .

1. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. Tired and about to have a rest, I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside. Go up and ask: "wife! .......

2. Once I was driving, a beautiful colleague hitchhiked. As soon as I sat next to it, I was very nervous and said, wear a condom! Beauty will never talk to me again. . . Depression ING

3. Before, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll pour you some urine!" " "I should pour some tea.

During my internship, I said to a teacher: Teacher Chen, is your surname Chen?

Our university went to the factory for metalworking practice, and the master said: For safety reasons, try to ensure that one male classmate and one female classmate have one bed. At that time, all the boys burst into laughter and the girls blushed. During my internship, I did almost all the lathe work for the girls who shared my bed. Finally, considering that she can't do anything, the master didn't check it well, so I advised her to practice. Who knows, she said, I'm used to letting you do it. At that time, I occasionally suddenly felt cold.

6. A friend went to the dumpling shop and asked, "How much is a bowl of jiaozi (for sleeping)?" Just listen to the waitress "bah!" He cried and said, "shameless!" ~

7. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

8. I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine one day. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

9. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

10. In primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted "I won't marry (borrow) you" with all my strength. At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

1 1. In the computer class, a classmate had a problem with the machine and shouted "Boss, change the machine!" The whole class is ruthless.

12. I spit on your face!

13. I joked with mm: "Don't say you know me, it will affect my reputation!" Mm said, "Do you have children? Can you have children? " `

14. I am a male. I was sick in Guangdong, and I couldn't speak. I went to see a doctor. The doctor told me that Yindao was inflamed. I take a closer look, and the diagnosis says inflammation of the pharynx.

15. Buy a computer, the boss offers 4 150, and I counter-offer: boss 4 10, why ~ ~ the boss is dizzy!

16. Last morning when I went to work, I found that my bicycle tire was flat, so I wanted my mother to help me push it outside to catch my breath. And I said, push my tires out.

17. A girl was lovelorn. I advised her: "Toads with two legs are hard to find, and men with three legs are plentiful!

18. When there is labor class in primary schools, weeding is usually done, so the teacher had to remind us to bring hoes the day before school starts. The next day, when the labor class was about to leave, the teacher asked, "How many people did you bring?" Raise the hoe with your hands! "

19. enlighten a lovelorn classmate: do you know what sex is? ……

20. In junior high school Chinese class, someone recited Mao Zedong's poem: A generation of coquettish, ...

2 1. A teacher, today, we went to Yang Xiuzhi to take a shit.

22. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week. ......

23. When I was a sophomore, I especially liked to go shopping by bike with a MM in my dormitory. Dressed up, they got into the elevator together. Suddenly, I remembered that the car seemed to be flat, so I said to her, "Why don't you come with me to have an abortion first?" ~ ~ ~ days .......

24. When I was in primary school, one day, all my classmates were chatting and no one was studying. Finally, the monitor couldn't help it and shouted, "Don't make any noise!"