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I once thought that if my personality was positive and optimistic and not so depressed and pessimistic, I wouldn't get this disease at all.
If I hadn't gone out with him that day, wouldn't what I experienced later have happened?
If I hadn't hesitated to buy that insurance, my family burden might not be so heavy now.
If I had paid attention at that time, I would have a physical examination once a year, wouldn't it be as serious as it is now, even if I was still sick.
Or I went to the hospital immediately when I was uncomfortable, and I didn't hold back the pain for half a month. Now I am another me.
But, ah, when you calm down, touch carefully, recall carefully and repeat carefully. You will find that:
Every minute of our life seems to be random. But when you look back, you will find that no matter how many times you repeat it, it is the same ending.
For example, I am sick, aortic dissection type A, although it is sudden and acute, even now doctors feel incredible, saying that I am the first case they have ever seen.
Because most people suffering from this disease are men, and they all smoke and drink or are hereditary. People like me who have no inheritance, don't drink or smoke, probably won't get this disease.
Not to mention that I am generally a vegetarian and seldom eat meat unless necessary.
I don't have high blood pressure or hyperlipidemia. I don't have all the causes of this disease.
But this kind of thing happened to me, and I feel incredible myself. I caught up with one in ten thousand, and I thought I could buy lottery tickets at that time.
Later, because I didn't want to accept the reality, I recalled and analyzed my past behavior over and over again, and then found that even if history repeats itself 100 times, I will still do this. This is the result of the combination of the right time, the right place and the right person, not the so-called accident.
For example, my thankless personality was formed under the external force of my family background. As I said before, I live in a ravine with nine bends and eighteen bends. The economy is poor, people are poor, and ideas are even poorer.
What I remember from childhood is that my parents often quarrel, fight and break things because of all kinds of trivial things, and the home is often a scratching scene. That it couldn't support me, and then I lived with my grandparents for a long time.
Maybe I really answered that sentence: but not as those who have been poor together know.
Growing up in this environment, I still have physical sequelae. I can't hear the noise. How serious is it? The sound of "bang" made by someone putting a cup full of water on the table will make me shudder, my heart beat faster and I can't calm down for a long time.
So I am timid, self-abased, unconfident and pessimistic, and I especially like forbearance. Even after reading a lot of books with a balanced mind, I still can't change my depressed and pessimistic personality, as if it were engraved in my bones.
For example, I'm afraid to go to the hospital. Until now, I still can't overcome my inner fear, so I can't go to the physical examination every year.
I remember my father accidentally found out a very serious illness in the year of the senior high school entrance examination. That requires surgery, hundreds of thousands, but in fact my family couldn't even get 5,000 yuan at that time.
(Because my dad 10 had a major operation in Beijing years ago and spent a lot of money. A few years later, my sister also used a lot of penicillin because of the wrong medicine in the village, so that ... I don't want to talk about it here, but it cost a lot of money. )
So from that time on, I began to accompany my bed in the hospital. Later, the smell of disinfectant and the color of white coat became my nightmare.
Then, dad died, grandma died, and grandpa died. They were all hospitalized after illness and never came out. I went back and forth to the hospital so many times in those days, went in hopefully, and then came out in despair and sadness.
I'm more afraid of hospitals. More and more nervous, depressed and scared.
How scared am I? Later, as long as someone at home had a slight fever, a cold or even a runny nose, I could fill my mind with a lot of bad things and scare myself to death.
I only remember that my aunt was given a free medical examination once in the village. My mother went and came back to report all kinds of symptoms. What anemia, insufficient blood supply to the brain, inflammation, where there are nodules and so on. Need further inspection or something.
I really felt that the sky was falling, and at that moment I even began to think about what I would be like in the future. It is no exaggeration to say that this fear in my bones is drowning my reason at any time. My mother fainted inexplicably at that time. When I went to the hospital for examination and found no problems, I began to lose sleep. I couldn't sleep for several nights and my hair fell out a lot.
Because I'm a single parent, because I'm the boss, and because I'm the only one with a little culture in my family, it actually puts a lot of pressure on me. But because of my personality, I simply can't bear such a big pressure. I once suspected that once I entered the hospital, I would never get out again. I am even more afraid of going to the hospital to get sick and being unable to face my family. I thought about suicide more than once.
Why not buy insurance? Because I am used to living without money. I think money is the safest and most confident only in my own hands. Usually, I plan the money for buying a dress repeatedly and confirm whether I can buy it again and again. How can I make up my mind to buy thousands of pieces of insurance at one time?
Not to mention that my sister is also a time bomb, and the later review also needs a lot of money.
Even though I signed up for the insurance class at that time, the counselor configured insurance for me according to my actual situation, but I still didn't make up my mind to buy it. At that time, I was not sick or in pain, so I didn't want to buy insurance for myself first.
Oh, I did ask for insurance for my mother and my sister, but they were not covered. My mother is over age and my sister failed to pass the health declaration.
Why can't you always talk about a bad partner, and love always ends in failure?
I believe I don't need to say more here. You will all understand when you see it here. Even though I never give up, keep studying, keep trying to add value to myself and work hard, I have paid off the debts owed by my family one by one over the years. I think I am fine, but I am still an imbecile in love.
How can such a character, such a deformed cognition and such a long-term unhealthy psychological state be healthy for a long time? Suddenly I feel that some people have cured their lives with their childhood, while I am curing my childhood with my life.
It will break out one day. So I had my experience this time, my "breakup" this time, and a heavier family burden.
Now, I don't think of anything, I can't think of anything, I just want to be healthy and keep fit.
Want to say hate? In fact, I also complained, complaining about why fate should be arranged like this.
I want to say, why don't you be careful with that nurse, ask the doctor more when inserting the indwelling needle, and change the position, so that I won't have thyroid problems after a trip to the gate of hell.
Maybe the doctor will say something that needs attention, so that I don't have to have a swollen neck. ......
That doctor, if you were a little proficient in medicine, you wouldn't use so much gentamicin. ......
Well, that's all. I finally wrote it.
Fortunately, I watch too many videos. He said:
Huang Lei once said: Life is bitter.
These words inspired me, so be it.
Well, life is bitter, sweetness is rare, and we need to find it. What we have to do is to do what we can and should do in the midst of suffering.
I hope my words will warm you. Seeing this, I will like it, because your love will be the driving force for me to persist.
Five small ways to make people confident.
If it doesn't work out, please believe that there must be other arrangements.
If you feel lonely and unhappy at the moment, come here and have a look.
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