Please laugh at a joke that doesn't cost your life! ! !

Homophonic joke: A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to make a report: rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! After the county magistrate finished, the host said: Sausage pickles, please! Now, please talk to the township head! The township head said: Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk! Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

One day, a foreign friend and I went to a restaurant to eat jiaozi. The beautiful waitress came to ask. Friends always miss any opportunity to practice Chinese and rush to say, "How much is it to sleep?" The young lady was embarrassed, so she was angry. I quickly explained that he was asking jiaozi how much money. Miss ..................................................................................................................................................... said cheerfully, "Yes, what program do you want?" "It's yellow ..."

1. Q: What chicken runs fast in the world? What chicken is slow? A: KFC (fast) Nicole Kidman (slow 2. Q: What animal sticks to the wall most easily? A: Sea Leopard 3. The eleventh book is incredible (book 1 1) 4. A person is painted gold to make a blockbuster (Golden Man) 5. Jade told Xiaoming that her father was impotent and couldn't stop (jade dad couldn't) 6. Eating with chopsticks is very popular. The moon represents my heart (CoCo Lee, how much I love you ...) 8. What color can best imitate? -Red (Mill) imitates 9.2 China, Japan and the United States, which country has the largest army? A: There is a Japanese singer named Ayumi Hamasaki (soldier quick march) ~ ~10. The sheep called the eagle, and the eagle picked up the phone and said that feeding the yang was anti-yin (the sheep called the eagle to feed 1 1. Ten sheep, nine squatting in the sheepfold, one squatting in the pigsty (one sheep squatting wrong) is celery dung (diligence)! ! ! What color is celery (vegetable) dung? Answer: yellow because: Qin Shihuang 13. Which Chinese character is the coolest? A: thong (cool).

The coach said, "Class One kills chickens, Class Two steals eggs, and I'll cook porridge for you." One kind of shooting, the other kind of bombing. Let me show you.

Andy Lau took May to drink water in Stephen Chow. Suddenly Nicholas Tse blew and a Nicky Wu emerged from the water. Nicky Wu and Ekin Cheng rode Ka Kui Wong together and took May. Holding Emil Wakin Chau, Andy Lau stepped on Deric Wan, crossed Zhao Benshan, Rosamund Kwan, Pan Changjiang, grabbed May, returned to Aaron Kwok, and hung a Richie Jen in the city!

A saw that B was struggling to move the box, so he said, Let me help you move it.

B can't use the roller on the box, so he says to A, Go away!

A is very angry, B says quickly, I let you use the wheel.

When the school began to call the roll, a class teacher was ingenious and said to the students, "I'll read the student number, so you can give your own names and get to know each other, okay?"

"No.0065438 +0!"

"Teacher, my name is Jiao and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who gave this to you?"

"My dad." "What does your father do?"

"Open a pig farm!"

"No.002!"

A girl stood up and said, "Teacher, my name is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai."

"No.003!"

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother. My name is Zhang. "Who gave you this name?"

"It's my dad. He sells pliers. " The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No.004!"

"Report teacher, my name is Qu (pronounced" ou "), and my name is Qu Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said that when she gave birth to me, a computer game exploded. " The teacher felt a little uncomfortable.

"No.005!"

"Report to the teacher, * * Niang!" "How do you call names? ! "

"no! Teacher, I mean my last name is Gan, and my name is foster mother. My father makes wine. " The teacher took a pill.

006! "

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and I am told to ignore it."

"Your dad is a steamed stuffed bun shop? ! "

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher has been a little shaken.

"No.007!"

"My name is Kuai (read fast, send the third sound. ) This is called goods. "

"Don't tell me your father runs a warehouse."

"Teacher, you are too old-fashioned. My father is a pimp. " Blood oozed from the teacher's mouth.

"No.008!"

"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? what did you say ? /Excuse me? ! "

"I mean, my name is Ni, and I'm going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. Is my name interesting? "

"Interesting, interesting." The teacher is about to cry.

"No.009!"

"Teacher, let's talk about it next time." "Why do you want to say it next time, you say it now!"

"no! Teacher, my surname is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. " The teacher felt dizzy.

"0 10! "

"Teacher, my last name is Gao."

"My name is Mei, and my name is Mei Conscience."

"My name is Wu, and my name is Kate."

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong." …………

The teacher turned to the sky and growled, "God, I met a group of students!" " "The teacher vomited blood and fell dead. I have a foreign friend. Once we went to dinner, our friend asked in a hurry, "How much is it to sleep in jiaozi?" The waiter was very angry. The friend said, "Is there a program (uncovering firewood)? "The waiter said," Yes, what kind do you want? " The "yellow" waiter is on fire.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: "rabbit, shrimp, pig tail!" No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! 」

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Sausages and pickles, please!"! 」

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" 」

Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

Henan Province

Lao Dong, a native of Henan, came to the south for breakfast. As soon as I entered the door, I asked, "Miss, how much is it to sleep (bowl) in jiaozi for one night?" The waiter was very unhappy and said, "No, only.

Steamed bread. "Old Dong said," Oh, just touch it. " The waiter was so angry that he scolded, "rogue! Old Dong was surprised: "Sixty cents?" It's too cheap! "

My friend is away on business. When he left, he said to meet online at 3 pm.

I waited left and right and finally arrived.

Before I could speak, I saw a message from there: "Turtles are really hard to recruit!" "

I didn't react for a moment: "What?"

Friends laughed; "Internet cafes are hard to find!"

Once, the teacher recited a poem in class and asked the students to write down the recited poem. One student wrote: "Wo Chun" (I am stupid) smells flowers in the dark (I have no culture) and hurts my ass lying on a branch (I have a low IQ). Shaking like water (ask me who I am). It is easy to reach Chun Lv (a big donkey), as dark as green (I am like a donkey), as dark as green (I am a donkey) and as dark as green (I am a big donkey).

Taoyuan dialect is very strange and has a high ending. For example, "ju" is pronounced "pig".

Go to the propaganda department of the county party Committee first and contact the personnel bureau for an interview. The propaganda department called me to make an appointment and put me on speakerphone.

Propaganda Department: "Hello, are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau) "

The other party: "No, you are mistaken. I am not a person, I am a pig (Personnel Bureau) and my mother is a pig (Grain Bureau). "

I tried so hard to hold back that my stomach ached.

The next day, I attended the briefing of the county government. Roll call before the meeting.

Moderator: "Which units have arrived?"

So the participants signed up one by one:

"I am a wild boar (Public Security Bureau)."

"My name is Pig (Education Bureau)."

"I am a pig (post office)."

"I am a typical pig (telecommunications bureau)

A funny joke caused by a slip of the tongue

Ladies and gentlemen, this is by no means sexy. The original intention is to let everyone relax. Smile, it's ten years old! Don't come in, children, because you don't understand yet.

1. A female colleague asked me why the game that another female colleague can play requires her to have an S machine on her machine. Answer: Maybe the graphics card driver is not good. MM then asked for help downloading the latest version and installing it. Q: What are my benefits? MM said, "I'll let you play for a while at most." After 0.0 1 s, there was no one on the table or chair except mm. ...

In high school, a girl named Jiao made a bet with her one day, but she forgot everything. She asked, what if I lose? Answer: I lost. My last name is Jiao. Loud, the whole class burst into laughter 10 minutes …

3. Once a female colleague came to me and said, "I want to upload!" I am responsible for updating and uploading the company website. I said, "It's none of my business if you sleep!" She said angrily, "I just want to upload it, I want it, I want it, and if you don't let me upload it today, I will ignore you, huh!" Seeing her angry, I had to say, "All right! Do you do it yourself or shall I help you? " She replied, "Help me!" ...

One day, the school cleaned. A beautiful girl cleans the window. Because the window is higher. So stand on the table. But the glass below can't be wiped. When I passed by, MM shouted "Rub it under me". I'm scared. Ask: "Where?" MM said, "I'm down here. Please help me clean up." The whole class burst into laughter, MM and I got red in the face …

I used to make models in groups when I was in school, and the group leader was a girl. One day, I took the drawing and asked the team leader when she could make that part. MM is probably busy dating and rarely appears in the group recently. She spread out her hands and said to me, "I want to do it for you, too." The problem is that I don't have that much time. Let's see if I can do it for you tonight! " "Next to the two boys slammed down their tools and rushed out of the lab ...

Excerpt from humorous joke network

There is a beautiful girl in my department. Once I wanted to take her to do an experiment and made an appointment to do it after work. I forgot to surf the internet in the afternoon, and when I was about to get off work, I suddenly received a phone call from MM: "Do you want to do it or not?" I was at a loss and asked, "What are you doing?" MM loudly said, "just do it, hurry up! People are in a hurry! " For a moment, we were all quiet, and then we all laughed wildly.

7. Girl A said, "I made it yesterday. It hurts, and there is blood. That man is not gentle at all. It hurts me. " Girl B: "You don't understand, it just doesn't hurt as soon as possible. I was like this at that time last year! " "Girl C:" Wow, it's scary to hear what you said. I wanted to do it this afternoon, but I was a little afraid to hear you say it. " Girl b: "alas. You still don't have to be nervous, just relax a little, just for a while, and then, it will be convenient in the future! "Later, I found that all the boys around me look strange! In fact, the girls are talking about getting their ears pierced.

8.MM When pouring coke, you can shake your hand and pour the coke out of the cup. GG asked, why is it flowing everywhere? MM said helplessly, "but I have caught it" …

9. I usually take off my coat at work. Once it was so cold that I didn't take it off. A MM next to me said, put on your clothes, I don't even know you …

10. On the Mid-Autumn Festival night, a man and a woman kissed goodbye downstairs, and the girl's father happened to pass by. All three were embarrassed, and the boy was too anxious to answer the phone. He blurted out, have a bite (I thought it was a moon cake). Girl's father: No, no, at home, at home.

A man followed two nuns.

There are two nuns, one is called a math nun and the other is called a logic nun. It's dark now, but they are still a long way from the monastery.

Math: Have you noticed that there is a man who has been following us for 38 minutes and 30 seconds? I wonder what he wants to do.

Logic: That makes sense. He wants to invade us.

Math: Oh, my God! At this rate, he will catch up with us in fifteen minutes. What should we do?

Logic: Of course, the only reasonable way is to walk faster.

Math: It seems useless!

Logic: of course it's useless. That man walks faster and faster reasonably.

Math: So what should we do? At this rate, he will catch up with us in a minute.

Logic: The only reasonable way is for us to split up and go that way, and I'll go this way. He can't catch both.

Men continue to follow Luo Ji elder sister.

The math nun arrived at the monastery safely, but she was worried that something would happen to Sister Logic, and then she saw Sister Logic enter the door.

Math: Sister Logic, you are back at last! Thank god! Tell me what happened.

Logic: The only reasonable thing happened. The man couldn't follow them both at the same time, so he followed me.

Math: Yes, yes, but what happened later?

Logic: The only reasonable thing happened. I ran like hell, and he chased like hell.

Math: Then what?

Logic: The only reasonable thing happened. He caught me.

Math: Oh, my God! then what

Logic: I did the only reasonable thing, pulling up my skirt.

Math: Oh, my God, Sister Logic! What about that guy?

Logic: He did the only reasonable thing. He took off his trousers.

Math: Oh, my God! What happened afterwards?

Logic: Is it unreasonable? A math nun, a nun who pulls up her skirt, must run much faster than a man who pulls down his pants! ! !

Say you are a pig, you say: I am a pig. From then on, I will call you "pig head monster"! Finally one day, you can't help shouting at everyone: I'm not a pig!

One day, the devil took the princess away, and the princess kept screaming.

Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Speak of the devil and he will come ..."

Cao Cao: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... Gee, there are so many people here. 」

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who. 」

Who: "He's not me. 」

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone: "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun." 」

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. I'll go first. " 」

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "if no one hits the devil, I can go." 」

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement." 」

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you. 」

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... and I will be called."

Ah ... "

Who: "I want to leave this troublesome place quickly."

True or false: "So this is my place."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking. "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I am nothing: "-_-\ \" ... Let's go ... Let's talk outside ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... * v.v *" (\ \" Who \ \ "collapsed)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What is there to see? "Brother, let's go out and talk. 」

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

From then on, the devil really got schizophrenia …

Ladies and gentlemen, this is by no means sexy. The original intention is to let everyone relax. Smile, it's ten years old! Don't come in, children, because you don't understand yet.

1. A female colleague asked me why the game that another female colleague can play requires her to have an S machine on her machine. Answer: Maybe the graphics card driver is not good. MM then asked for help downloading the latest version and installing it. Q: What are my benefits? MM said, "I'll let you play for a while at most." After 0.0 1 s, there was no one on the table or chair except mm. ...

In high school, a girl named Jiao made a bet with her one day, but she forgot everything. She asked, what if I lose? Answer: I lost. My last name is Jiao. Loud, the whole class burst into laughter 10 minutes …

3. Once a female colleague came to me and said, "I want to upload!" I am responsible for updating and uploading the company website. I said, "It's none of my business if you sleep!" She said angrily, "I just want to upload it, I want it, I want it, and if you don't let me upload it today, I will ignore you, huh!" Seeing her angry, I had to say, "All right! Do you do it yourself or shall I help you? " She replied, "Help me!" ...

One day, the school cleaned. A beautiful girl cleans the window. Because the window is higher. So stand on the table. But the glass below can't be wiped. When I passed by, MM shouted "Rub it under me". I'm scared. Ask: "Where?" MM said, "I'm down here. Please help me clean up." The whole class burst into laughter, MM and I got red in the face …

I used to make models in groups when I was in school, and the group leader was a girl. One day, I took the drawing and asked the team leader when she could make that part. MM is probably busy dating and rarely appears in the group recently. She spread out her hands and said to me, "I want to do it for you, too." The problem is that I don't have that much time. Let's see if I can do it for you tonight! " "Next to the two boys slammed down their tools and rushed out of the lab ...

Excerpt from humorous joke network

There is a beautiful girl in my department. Once I wanted to take her to do an experiment and made an appointment to do it after work. I forgot to surf the internet in the afternoon, and when I was about to get off work, I suddenly received a phone call from MM: "Do you want to do it or not?" I was at a loss and asked, "What are you doing?" MM loudly said, "just do it, hurry up! People are in a hurry! " For a moment, we were all quiet, and then we all laughed wildly.

7. Girl A said, "I made it yesterday. It hurts, and there is blood. That man is not gentle at all. It hurts me. " Girl B: "You don't understand, it just doesn't hurt as soon as possible. I was like this at that time last year! " "Girl C:" Wow, it's scary to hear what you said. I wanted to do it this afternoon, but I was a little afraid to hear you say it. " Girl b: "alas. You still don't have to be nervous, just relax a little, just for a while, and then, it will be convenient in the future! "Later, I found that all the boys around me look strange! In fact, the girls are talking about getting their ears pierced.

8.MM When pouring coke, you can shake your hand and pour the coke out of the cup. GG asked, why is it flowing everywhere? MM said helplessly, "but I have caught it" …

9. I usually take off my coat at work. Once it was so cold that I didn't take it off. A MM next to me said, put on your clothes, I don't even know you …

10. On the Mid-Autumn Festival night, a man and a woman kissed goodbye downstairs, and the girl's father happened to pass by. All three were embarrassed, and the boy was too anxious to answer the phone. He blurted out, have a bite (I thought it was a moon cake). Girl's father: No, no, at home, at home.

The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

2. Woman: "I can marry anyone as long as I have money." Man: "Will you marry the safe in the bank?"

3. Patient: "Doctor, you left your scissors in my stomach." "Never mind, I have another one."

4. Two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

5. Minimum standards for college students; Peasant woman, mountain spring, a little field.

7. I said you were a pig, but you said: I am a pig. From then on, I will call you "pig head monster"! Finally one day, you can't help shouting at everyone: I'm not a pig!

Judge: Why do you print counterfeit money? The defendant said innocently, because I can't print real money.

9. Thief A: "How much did you rob today?" Thief B: "No, just read the newspaper tomorrow."

10. The sunshine last night was really good.

1 1. One day, a rich man wanted to buy a car, but he hesitated because the car shop didn't have Geely's license plate number. The owner of the car dealership came over and said with a smile, "This license plate is good, 00544 (let me try), and no one dares to mess around, right?" !

The rich man was moved and bought the car at once, but something happened the next day. The rich man got off the bus angrily, thinking that you would dare to hit this car, but as soon as he got off the bus, he left in despair. The other party's original license plate is 44944 (just try it).