I want some classic jokes.

1 A girl in high school once said that I walk more than you eat salt!

The fish at home died and floated to the surface. I shouted, "Dad is floating!" "

Last weekend, at the gate of Hualian, someone who looked like a student asked me to donate money for love. My classmate just had 100 yuan in his pocket and no change at all, so he blurted out-"I'm sorry, I really don't have love!" "(I was going to say the change was gone)

4 primary school students went to the army to express their condolences. The counselor read a letter "Dear Leaders". I probably saw a group of people under the stage, and my brain was hot and I said, "Dear martyrs!" "

One of my classmates and I were discussing the Three Kingdoms!

I asked the general in the Three Kingdoms who he liked best. He stood up and said, "There is a red rabbit in the middle and a Lu Bu in the middle. Haven't you heard of it?"

On the way home, I saw a stall selling turtles, and a small sign was erected next to it to attract business. I only heard the students seriously read to the small blackboard: "Ba -Xi- Xiaocai-Dian!" " Oh, my God ... It's obviously a Brazilian turtle.

When I was in college, my classmates went to Sichuan restaurant for corruption. I ordered a pig's head when I ordered it. After talking for a long time, the waitress couldn't understand. A classmate smiled and pointed to his head and said to the waitress, "Here! Pig head meat! " Miss: "Oh … I see!" " "Since then, this gentleman has been nicknamed" pig's head ".

When I was in junior high school, once, before the exam was over, the teacher said, Please put the table on the test paper and you can go out. I laughed wildly, and it took the teacher and other students a long time to react.

9 Once I went shopping with my friends, I was so excited to talk while walking that I stepped on an aunt and wanted to say, "I'm sorry!" " Excuse me! "The result is" thank you! Thank you! " Then walked away while chatting. ...

10 A girl in our dormitory often makes these mistakes: because we study Chinese, we all say four words.

Her most classic works are Jumping from a Building and Being Cheated by Others.

1 1 When we were in high school, the class teacher said, "Some students are afraid to take a ruler in the math exam. If someone asks you to draw a diagonal line for a triangle, I'll see what you do! "

Diagonal line of triangle? ! !

12 went to Hengshan to play in college. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside. I went up and asked, "Wife ..."

Add one to 13: I went to work early in the morning, and several employees of the unit got into the elevator with the boss. One of the directors looked at the boss's tired face and said, Come on, boss, it's too hard for you to fly to Wan Li like this every day! As a result, the office building laughed all day.

14 I used to have peas on my face, which was medically called acne. I want to go to the hospital and say to the doctor with the registration form, "doctor, please take a look at it for me." I have hemorrhoids on my face! ! "

At that time, the doctor's mouth and eyes were crooked, and his mouth was open for a long time, unable to speak. Everyone who saw the doctor next to him fell down!

15 when the plane landed. I heard the stewardess say this in a very gentle tone: "The toilet is descending, please don't get on the plane!" " "The plane is descending, please don't go to the toilet.

15 The last item of the primary school class meeting is to sing the team song "We are the successors of capitalism ..." The teacher asked the monitor to start. The monitor cleared his throat and suddenly sang "We are human beings-(stretched)"

The whole class laughed so hard that they didn't even hear the bell.

16 school uniforms are required in high schools. We boys sometimes only wear school uniforms. Once we got together, the students were all dressed untidy in school uniforms. The class teacher was furious: "Everyone who didn't wear pants stood up for me!" "

17 I remember when I was in junior high school, I went to play by the river (the Yangtze River) and suddenly a water snake swam to the shore. Next to the MM, her face changed greatly, and a word was thrown out of her mouth: a good snake is long ~ ~ ~! !

18 let's play with the old chicken and catch the baby!

19 When I was in high school, the head teacher taught geography. Once, I talked about minerals in China in class. Speaking of coal pipes, our teacher said "the vas deferens in China …", and all the "brushes" who climbed onto the table to sleep sat up straight!

Once, when I went to eat jiaozi, the boss said that there were five pieces, six pieces, 10 pieces, and asked me which one I wanted.

I blurted out: How much is 6 yuan?

The boss was cold ... his face turned red at that time. ...

Actually, I want to ask how much is six dollars?

2 1 My friend's high school math teacher talks about rectangular coordinate system in class.

The student asked: Why do you want to establish rectangular coordinates like this?

Teacher: I'm so cheap. I just want to be so cheap (made)

When I was a freshman in VB class, a classmate didn't install VB software on his computer. She suddenly raised her hand and shouted: Teacher, teacher, my QQ can't be opened.

One of my classmates is a twin, and he is an elder brother. Then another stupid classmate actually asked him, "Is your brother older or younger than you?" ..... On the edge of a few students suddenly froze, followed by a burst of laughter. .....

In high school, girls were required to wear school uniforms the next day and have activities at school. The weather was bad the next day, and all the girls took their school uniforms to school. Some boys wear nothing and put on girls' uniforms when they feel cold. The math teacher said in class, "Boys take off girls' clothes." ...

The whole class was speechless and then laughed 10 minutes. ...

Last time I had dinner with friends, I ordered five dishes, one cold and four hot. After waiting for a long time, my friend asked, "How many dishes did we order?" I blurted out: "four cold, one cold and one cold", and suddenly it was cold!

Ah, there is an elevator in the air conditioner!

During the physical examination of the college entrance examination, a classmate was highly nearsighted, so he memorized the examination paper filled with E and still failed. We asked him what was wrong, and he said, I couldn't see clearly where the doctor's baton was ... and fainted on the spot.

Last time I squatted down and went back to the dormitory, I just stepped into the dormitory door and heard my classmates say, "I really want to taste the taste of death." What movie was he watching at that time?

I immediately replied, "You didn't tell me, I just washed it."

The boss of our dormitory once said: take medicine and take needles.

Once in an Internet cafe, CS suddenly shouted after his death. MD picked a bullet without a gun, and the people in the Internet cafe laughed to death. ...

3 1 once, a buddy went to buy China buns and said to the boss, "Boss, give me two pieces of meat." The little girl on the side blushed and dared not laugh.

Another time, a buddy asked me what to eat for lunch. I said the rice noodles I ate, and he asked how much it was. I said there are big bowls and small bowls. After introducing the prices respectively, the buddy said, "Is the big bowl bigger or the small bowl bigger?"

In junior high school, the head teacher was a giant bt. Each of us is required to take plastic to pack our garbage. One day at noon, the class teacher came back to see the classroom was dirty, stood on the podium and said loudly, take out all your thunder! (in a bold tone) The whole class was extremely cold ... and there was silence. ...

A high school math teacher once said: "Although this solution is not rigorous, it is not a bad thing if everyone will use this method during the exam."

It is very hot every summer in junior high school, and some boys sit in the last row of the classroom with bare arms. As a result, the chemistry teacher came into the room and said, "You boys and girls are not allowed to go shirtless for me!"

The whole class burst into laughter!

There is a double-decker bus in summer, and the flight attendant shouted with a microphone: "It's hot for many days, don't squeeze the door!" " "Say that finish I feel wrong, and changed to shout:" hot weather, don't crowded at the door! " "

In high school, there were a and B.

A blindfolded b asked, guess who I am?

B said: I guessed right! !

A added: Ah, you guessed it right.

So get your hands off me and go away!

I had dinner in the school cafeteria, and I made a plate of fried cucumbers. I found that the cucumber was stale and a little yellow, so I said, "Master, why is the cucumber yellow?" The master said loudly, "classmate, is the cucumber still green?" I am speechless!

I remember that drinking fountains were just popular in high school. In order to create a reputation, the school decided to equip each class with one. That day, the head teacher (male) hurried into the class and said happily, "Boys and girls, the water dispenser in our class has arrived." The student asked, "What brand?" The teacher replied: "Anerle". At that time, we were very cold ... later we learned that the water dispenser was Angel's. ...

I remember once telling my colleagues in the office that so-and-so was like a farmer, rustic, silly and cute. Everyone agreed, like a farmer, and suddenly the phone rang. The colleague who answered the phone actually said, hello, farmer!

4 1 One day I was watching "Muslim Funeral" in my dormitory, and my classmates asked, "What book are you so fascinated by?" I rushed to watch Stalin's Funeral, which made me laugh. Before I finished laughing, he said, "Hehe, the author is Radar (Huo Da)." At that time, we were just studying radar collision avoidance class, and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt.

When I was a child, I wrote: Our lives were bought with blood by the uncle of the People's Liberation Army. As a result, when I got up and recited it, I read, "Our lives were bought by the uncle of the People's Liberation Army with fresh fish. ...

A student read "Wang Erxiao led the enemy into the ambush of the Eighth Route Army" as "Wang Erxiao led the Eighth Route Army into the ambush" ...

My mother has cervical spondylosis and puts medicine on her neck every day. One day I asked her, "Did you kill yourself with drugs?" My mother stared at me doubtfully and said, "I'm not going to commit suicide yet!" " "

Last time I went out with my friends, I happened to see McDull (pink pig) in the lottery of the unit activity the day before yesterday in front of a window on the road. I said to my friend on the bus, "Look, I am the big pink pig." Actually, I want to say that it was the pig I took yesterday. I was so excited that everyone in the car looked at me!

I remember when I was at school, there was a sports meeting, and no one in our class signed up. Our Sports Commission (boys) was in a hurry and announced in class with the registration form: I tell you, girls will "compulsory registration" (compulsory registration) if they don't register. The girl is angry.

Once my mother's classmate came to my house for dinner, and after eating a bowl, my mother wanted to add another bowl to her. She said, don't give it to me, I'm not enough. ...

Once, I called my classmate, and the other person picked up the phone and rang. I suddenly forgot who I was calling. After a long time, I said, who are you?

Friends get together and it's sad to talk to someone. "Tears turned red and my eyes fell out." No one responded, so I went home and laughed afterwards.

Once I watched good morning on Shanghai TV, the host in Shanghai blurted out: Don't come back after the advertisement. _ It seems that advertisements are so annoying that even the host can't stand them.

5 1 A new shop assistant is reciting something. An old lady bought a bottle of soy sauce. The clerk said, "I'll charge you xx yuan and give you xx yuan. Do you need a straw? " The old lady suddenly fainted. ...

When I was in primary school, when I was still illiterate. My deskmate read the ingenious plan as a magical chicken (machine) fried garlic (calculation)

I want one, too. When I was in primary school, the teacher asked a boy to recite poems. As a result, he was in a hurry, chanting "Zhumen stinks of wine and meat, and there are frozen dogs (bones) on the road." The whole class laughed hysterically.

Another time, I slept at night in winter, probably because the temperature of the electric blanket was too high, so I told my classmates, hey, you put the electric blanket in the fresh-keeping position.

A few days ago, the United States attacked Iraq, and my classmates and I were going back to school. His mother said, the train is too slow. You two should take a bus from Iraq. We fainted on the spot.

1956 At the beginning of this year, our group went to visit relatives in other places. We took Avik's car. When we came back, we stopped at the side of the road for a while before getting on the expressway. A few people thought it was a long-distance bus, so they leaned over and asked. A man sitting by the window shouted, This is not a rickshaw, this is not a rickshaw! Sweat!

57 to buy "pulse" drinks,

"Boss, a bottle of' artery'"

58 hours of singing: imperialism, imperialism fled with its tail between its legs. The people of the whole country United, and I sang "The People of the whole country fled with their tails between their legs", and the whole class burst into laughter!

I just entered the office that day, and the same plmm shouted at me, "Xiao Wang, did you buy a newspaper?" Let me see today's special issue of sex. " I fainted on the spot. Even if everyone talks about "house" all day, you can't read "architecture special issue" as "sex special issue"!

When I was in English class in high school, my teacher asked me to translate an English sentence: an arrow whizzed past my ear. I confused "arrow" with "sparrow", so it translated as: a sparrow whizzed past my ear. So the whole class laughed and didn't have a good class.

6 1 When I was in the third grade, there was a chemistry teacher who was very beautiful. One day, she went to oxygen drainage. She said airway and fart tube, and the whole class laughed

Temporary Chinese teacher: Speak Chinese multiple-choice questions: Students, why not choose A? Yes, because A is wrong. Why not choose B, yes, because B is wrong; Why not choose C? Yes, because C is wrong. So this question should be chosen? The students shouted d in unison. Yes, let's move on to the next question.

My roommate asked me to drink sesame sauce and said, "What about black sesame sauce?" (My surname is Xu)

Roommate searched for her mask all night. Finally, when we discussed going to Peking University to eat chicken wings, another roommate shouted "I want to go to Peking University to eat masks"!

My roommate and I went to eat shabu-shabu and walked to the door of the store. Roommate looked at the name of the store and said, "Brush it?" (The name of the store is Shuanshuanba)

There is an orange petal in Bing Xin's Little Orange Lamp. Students read "a gourd ladle of orange petals".

The criminal law teacher said in a case: "At that time, blood was called blood flow. From the first floor to the second floor, it is simply a river of blood ... "

The case class of the criminal law teacher said, "That man threatened the victim, burned down your house and blew up your intestines (I think he wanted to say factory)!"

My former math teacher once said when drawing in class, "This is the X axis and this is the Y axis. I put a P here. " Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Last time I asked my teacher for leave,

As a result, I spoke: teacher, I want to invite you. .......

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was a child, my sister asked me what time it was, and I replied, "Three poles (3: 30)!"

4. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine, and then brought out a cold sentence: "If you drink too much urine, there will be more wine."

5, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy it: "Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull!" Creepy!

6. The exam score was very low, and I complained bitterly: "My score is too cheap!"

7. When sitting in a restaurant, casually shout: "Network management service!"

8. When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. The teacher picked up XX in a rage and said, "XX, stand on the wall for me!" "

9. Me: "That's our physics teacher." Classmate: "What do you teach?" Me: "Chemistry."

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen (originally I wanted to say LCD).

1 1. There was a gala in the university, and the host announced: "Next program: belly flute playing!" (flute solo)

12, once I saw an old man sweeping the steps on my way to school. Because I often see him sweeping and know that he is voluntary, I am really touched. When I go up, I want to have a chat with the old man. I wanted to ask how old she was, but it turned out to be: "How old are you?" When' tis once spoken, the sweat ...

13, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair indifferently: "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!"

Boss: "... do you want rice noodles or onions?"

14, I went to a restaurant with my classmates in high school. I ordered a few dishes, and I want to add something. I was going to say scrambled eggs with tomatoes. I don't know what happened, but what I blurted out was-tomatoes fried with tomatoes. The boss thought for a long time. ...