Need a good joke

There are three people in the family. They are called robbers and kitchen knives. One day, the trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "hello, I'm a robber." I brought a kitchen knife to make trouble. " Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends. One day, haha died. Hee hee is very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, haha." It shook off the ants, but there was only one left on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it ... strangle it ... three mice were bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." Another said, "I like to walk in the street twice a day, otherwise I won't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late. Go home and hug the cat to sleep." The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "The child comes out of my stomach, of course it is mine!" " The husband said, "Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? No one inserted the card! ? Zodiac is also a topic of great interest to westerners in China. Everyone wants to know what animal he belongs to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" Hemingway are often confused. One day he excitedly said to the secretary girl, "You are a pig. "For Hemingway, it is too difficult to describe the sex of animals with Chinese word" female "or" male ",because in English, both male and female can be used to describe people or animals. One night, Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced to me, "This is my bitch. "In addition to driving, Hemingway usually likes to ride a motorcycle, which is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He replied: Never mind, I will wear a condom. He means "helmet". Quantifiers in Chinese also make Hemingway nervous. Once he flaunted himself as a "hero" and asked him what he meant. He said, "A hero is a thin, tall and good-looking person." He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should naturally be a good-looking man. Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the road. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously refuted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo. In addition, for example, what "a pair of pants", Hemingway plausibly defended, because pants have two legs, and the two are a pair, so that's right. Even arguing with China people, insisting that it should be "a set of ass", which sounds funny. All kinds of "juices" Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Rack one's brains". The result is: squeezing ink, milking, squeezing juice and squeezing soup. Ha! You really racked your brains and didn't think of it. A mother said to the little girl, "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say" No ",and touch the bottom and say" Stop "! The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying for her mother. After the little girl listened, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that man?" The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched me up and down, and I said," Don't stop! ! "Ge Liang is a person who is proficient in eight special skills. One of his specialties is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I ask you to adjust the atmosphere like a woodpecker?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear that. "A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves) ..." ~ ~ # RMB * * ... I was still a pupil, and I was particularly envious when I saw the teacher let me read the composition, and I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come. " So-and-so, read your composition to everyone! "The pupil suddenly stood up:" My teacher ". Teacher, I look like your mother ........................................................................................................................................................................ once performed, and I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance takes turns. It's her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: "Du Zi" means swearing in Northeast dialect). My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year and said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, that's too bad ... "Mom and I both laughed. There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day. I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "grandma, big class ..." bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue. My classmate anonymous, one day feeling sorry for himself, suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair nice?" "Startled, he said," Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce. "Everybody stand up! Play the national flag, raise the national anthem ... I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to take a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase the duck!" " "I kept repeating this sentence, and finally I shouted out:" Come and have a bite of duck ... "Then I skillfully stepped on the brakes. I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she was also reading aloud: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class was stunned. There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich). As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live? Zhuge Liang is a master of eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, I call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear it. " Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba. The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing. Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed. I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So! Computers were also brought to Aruba. The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground. The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~" Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full. Laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold! " Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba. The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing. Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed. I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So! Computers were also brought to Aruba. The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground. The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~" Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full. Laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold! " Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba. The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing. Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So the washing machine was taken to Aruba. Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed. I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold." So! Computers were also brought to Aruba. The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground. The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~" Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full. Laugh, don't open your mouth so wide, it's cold! " A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" " "The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her," This driver just insulted me! "The man replied," Go and get even with him at once, and I'll catch this ugly monkey for you! ..... "Joke 1, if you can't speak Mandarin well, the fish seller shouted at the top of his lungs:" Fish, fish. " Not to be outdone, a jujube seller nearby immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh,no." "Fish." "Shit." The more fish sellers listen, the more wrong they are. He felt that the jujube seller was deliberately targeting him, so they quarreled. The director of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He doesn't even speak Mandarin, but only speaks dialects at ordinary times. So he sent his subordinates to find translators, and when he came back, he reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the factory director's dialect". The factory director said, "Easy. Let's invite another teacher from our town to translate our dialect into Mandarin first. " The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I arrive in Japan, I have to ask someone to translate Japanese Mandarin into Kobe dialect. " A foreigner with a strong accent got lost in this city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked, "Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (sorry) ..." Before the words were finished, the young lady blushed with anger. 4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of jiaozi)?" Hearing this, the waiter changed his face and screamed, "rogue!" " Hearing this, the southerner said, "It's only 60 cents. Very cheap. Come for one night (bowl). " 5. A farmer brother and sister used a scooter to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brothers and sisters and asked, "Brother, how much is your little sister (wheat)?" Big brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead. 6. Uncle Niu is shouting: "I sold four pieces of moon cakes." Many people gathered around to buy this "cheap" moon cake, and only when they paid did they know that the moon cake for the elderly was ten yuan and four yuan. 7. The old people in the nursing home held a party on the night of Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said: "Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is really damn (start). Please be quiet. " 8. A northerner inquired where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched according to the answer and found the "men's room". 9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, please die (wash) first." After that, the bride said to the groom, "If your mother-in-law dies, will you die?" I paused and said, "My mother-in-law and you are dead, and finally I died." Hearing this, the mother-in-law was livid and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why aren't you dead?" 10, an old lady in Putian sells sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner came to the old lady's booth to buy sugar cane. He just weighed the sugar cane without paying. The car started. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you." . "Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane. Get on the bus quickly. 1 1. A country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter greeted her warmly: "What do you want, miss?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)." 12, Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurried forward to say hello and boasted, "This little wolf boy (boy) is really cute. "13, a rural primary school was having a class, and the teacher came into the classroom and said," Stand (in class). " The students chorus: "It's good to die of old age (teacher)!" The teacher said, "Students who are vomiting blood, it is good to die early (on)! "14, two country girls came back from the city. It's getting late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and a girl said, "Comrade, can we be your wife (car)?" The driver said grumpily, "Who wants you to be my wife?" Another girl said quickly, "It doesn't matter, we are very close. The driver was very angry. He drove away and thought, "Who will go with you?" "15, the village chief said at the villagers' meeting:" Rabbits, shrimps and pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's trotters. " Translating his dialect into Mandarin means: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now, don't talk, pay attention. When my friends and I first moved, there was no TV at home, which was very boring. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then we can change the channel by pretending that we have a remote control. This son of a bitch keeps changing channels. I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Then we started fighting. The teacher asked Xiaoming questions in class, but Xiaoming stood up without saying a word. Teacher: Xiaoming? Teacher: Xiaoming Teacher: Xiaoming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least let me know! Xiaoming: Zhi ~ Three rabbits poop. The first one is long. The second one is just spherical. The third one is actually triangular. Asked, it replied: I pinched it with my hand. Niu Jiao sheep, the sheep asked, "Who are you?" The cow said, "I am a cow", and the sheep asked, "Shit, who are you?" Bull: Shit, I, Pig and Pig, are making out with Chang 'e on the moon. Suddenly, a black shadow passed by, and Pig hurried out with a rake. After a while, he came back and said, Shit, Yang Liwei ... A man had a parrot, which was very powerful, and all the other birds he kept together were killed by it. Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage. The host said, "Not this time." But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. " The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, eldest brother, you strangled me! It's so fucking horrible ... "Have you ever heard the joke that the big pig said yes and the little pig said no"? Most people will say no. .