Spring Festival Jokes Hilarious

1. When I go to work in the morning, the bus is very crowded and there are so many people.

A young beauty came up at the second station, followed by a man. It looked like they didn't know each other. He stood there for several seconds without speaking. The little beauty should be around 1.62cm tall, and I am 1.80cm tall. Basically a head taller than her. The kind of packaged soy milk that the little beauty is holding. He was standing right in front of me. Because it was so crowded, the little girl stood in the middle and couldn't grasp the armrest at all. Maybe she was afraid of spilling the soy milk, so she raised the paper cup of soy milk high above her shoulders and took a sip from time to time. I didn't have breakfast this morning. I couldn't stand the smell of soy milk. She took a sip and then relaxed her shoulders. The straw is just not far from my mouth, about 3cm at most.

After a while, I couldn’t help it anymore, so I opened my mouth and took a small sip, very lightly, so the little beauty didn’t notice. Then she took it over and took another sip, then raised it over my shoulder, and I took another sip. Take a puff. After a while, the soy milk should be gone, but I don’t know. She muttered to herself: "What a world, the soy milk sellers are all lying. They pretend to be so little and almost finished the drink in a few gulps." I almost burst out laughing at that time. When she raised the paper cup to her shoulder again, I sucked it step by step. As a result, because there was not much in it, I made a "gurgling, gurgling" sound when I sucked it. The little beauty turned around suddenly, and I was petrified at that time. I was holding her straw in my mouth. I was so stiff. I was so embarrassed at that time. MB, I have the idea of ????jumping out of the car. The little beauty said: "What are you doing? Does it taste good? Do you want me to buy you a drink? You look so handsome and you don't look like a poor person." Me: "..."

I still feel scared when I think about it now. The little beauty got off the bus at the next stop, and several people around me kept looking at me. I laughed at myself and said, "It's my girlfriend, joking with me." I just finished speaking. The man who got into the car with the little beauty spoke up: "What are you talking about, brother? I let you drink the soy milk, and you also want a man. She is my girlfriend, okay?" Me: "Ah, what are you doing? Don’t you want to get off the car?” The brother said, “She’s here, but I’m not here yet. I still have a few stops to go. Are you a little too shameless? There are so many people, so I won’t say anything.” You want it too, okay?" I said in a low voice, "It's yours, I don't want it." I jumped down just as I arrived. . . . Sweat all over.

Too panic.

It’s too confusing.

So uneasy.

2. One time I suddenly thought of going swimming, so I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket because there was no other color but red. As a result, I didn’t expect my swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, wisps of red oozed out from my lower body, rippling in the water... An uncle swam past me and looked at the red spots underneath me. "Blood", and looked at my naked upper body. For a moment, his expression was very contradictory...

3. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, he was a boy with a low EQ, and finally met someone he liked. A girl, two people just started dating.

Once the girl was sick, the boy accompanied her to the infirmary for a drip.

Ten minutes passed, and twenty minutes passed, but there was no movement.

The boy wanted to break the silence, so he asked: "Is it cold?"

"Cold"

"I'll cover you if it's cold?"

The girl blushed and whispered "Okay"

Then the boy stood up. . . . . . . . . . He covered the drip bottle with his hand.

4. When I was a child, I always bullied my sister because of how old I was. One night, my father came over to cover us with quilts, and he was shocked to find my three-year-old sister sitting upright in the dark and looking at me who was sleeping soundly!

Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Dad asked.

My sister hurriedly said: Hush! Keep your voice down, wait until she falls asleep and beat her!

5.

This person is prone to hearing loss when he gets older. I remember when I was a child, I was at my grandma’s house. One morning, my grandfather was going to go fishing. As soon as he left the house, he bumped into the house next door. The old man.

The old man said to my grandpa: "Go fishing!" My grandpa said: "No! I'm going fishing." Then the old man said: "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was petrified...

6.

I didn’t pay attention while washing the dishes and dropped the bowl on the floor. It was okay, but it only lost a corner on the edge and made a small gap.

Then continue washing the dishes. Without paying attention, my right hand passed through the gap... and it broke

I thought: Is it really that fast? It can break your hands. Then I tried it with my left hand, and it broke too

I thought: It is indeed fast enough. If this bowl is used for eating, my mouth will soon be in trouble? Then I had sex and tried it with my mouth... My lips were also broken...

7.

A couple on the bus, the woman allowed a pervert to touch her, but the boyfriend showed no expression. . After arriving at the station, the boyfriend grabbed the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and then left with his girlfriend. A website analyzes the reasons for voting. 75 people voted for "This guy is waiting for his skills to cool down..."

8.

There is a bun shop near the subway station. The business is very good. There is a queue next to it. Train ticket sales point.

Today I was queuing up to buy steamed buns. When I was about to get there, I heard two men behind me saying: "Wow, it turns out this is a steamed bun shop selling train tickets...ah, over there." !

9.

Once I went to a dungeon to refresh the map with warriors... Half an hour later, a message suddenly came out on the speaker and almost shocked me to death: "Zhejiang XX Mine Affiliated" Middle school classmates, the principal came and ran quickly...

10.

To buy a pair of gloves, the boss asked for 35, I said I wanted 30, but the boss refused. 35. After talking for a few times and refusing to give in, I thought about it and gave him 50.

11.

In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring that could return by itself, but it could only be opened inward, not outward

Many people have a habit of kicking the door open with their feet.

Most people kick at about knee height. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts. Probably to show off, or to maintain his flexibility, he always raises his feet very high and kicks at about chest height. .

One evening, this person went to WC, walked to the door, and without thinking, he kicked him with his foot

Our dean just finished his convenience, opened the door and walked out

So our dean was kicked hard by my classmate and sent back to the toilet.

I took my wife for a prenatal check-up in the morning. After the blood:

Nurse: Come get the checklist on the 32nd.

Wife: January 32nd or February 32nd?

I (weak). Weakly): February 1st

Nurse (sweat): Yes~yes~yes~

13.

I flew on a plane a few days ago. After the flight, I found a beautiful woman sitting next to me. According to the rules of pick-up, I blurted out and asked, where are you?

14.

A cat pounces on someone and has a new girlfriend, Lang Qing. I wanted to visit my girlfriend at home, but my girlfriend knew that he was prone to swear words, so he repeatedly told me not to talk nonsense, and he readily agreed. After meeting, he responded freely and did not reveal anything. After dinner, his girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. In the dead of winter, my girlfriend's parents also insisted on sending her off to the roadside. Someone was quite moved, and with a hot head, he blurted out, "Uncle, don't send her away, go back quickly, and show my auntie how cool she is!" ”

15.

Today my boss asked me to delete all the CS in the Internet cafe. I worked hard all night. As for why I deleted the CS? In fact, the reason is this. Today The public security bureau's temporary inspection had already gotten wind of it, and I worked as a scavenger for several days, driving out all creatures under the age of 18 from the Internet cafe, so I watched from a distance when the police uncles came. There was nothing to be nervous about. However, it was a pity that when the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe happened to shout excitedly: "The police are here! The police are coming! The police are in a dog hole! Come on, brothers! Kill them! "All right.

I admit that at that moment, not only the faces of the police officers turned green, but the boss and I also looked horribly green.

16.

There is an older sister around me who has done very funny things.

She had a mobile phone and a PHS. One day she got a new mobile phone sim card. A colleague asked her what the new number was. She said she had forgotten it, so she used the phone with the new sim card to dial herself. of PHS.

While dialing, she continued chatting with her colleagues. After the PHS phone rang, she picked it up and asked: "Hello?...Hello?...Speak. If you don't speak, I will hang up!"

All the colleagues present were petrified.

After that, she hung up and said, "You're crazy. You called me and didn't say anything."

17. My wife went on a business trip and didn’t come back for several days.

She secretly sent me a text message during the afternoon meeting. The leader next to me slept like a dead pig. It was so funny~

It turned out that there was a telecommunications problem, so the message was sent in the middle of the night. to my phone.

I almost jumped off the stairs at that time...

18. I remember when I was in high school, I was studying in the evening, and a buddy was sleeping in the last row. I woke up suddenly, turned off the light, and went to sleep. At that time, the whole class was dumbfounded.

19. Worried about the name of the future child, the first generation. The cousin of the eldest uncle's family is named Chen Guandong, and the second uncle's cousin is called Chen Guannan. Yesterday, my mother said that my third uncle’s cousin had a baby named Chen Guanbei. Damn it, the family is sinister! Third brother is trying to harm me. But I just read "The Golden Age", and while I admire it, I secretly plan to call it Guanzhong. You can't tell your little cousin this.

20. When I was in my junior year, I once had lunch with my boyfriend in the school cafeteria. There were so many people, and I finally managed to get a seat facing each other. A couple sitting behind me were also facing each other. The boy and I were Back to back. Suddenly, the couple started to quarrel, and they seemed to think that the boy's rice was not delicious. I didn't care, and continued to eat happily. As I was eating, I heard a popping sound, and suddenly I felt that my back, starting from the hair, felt very hot. Just by feeling, A pot of spicy rice noodles was placed on my head. I was petrified for a minute and was numb from the heat. Then a male voice whispered in my ear: I'm sorry, she was going to hit me!

21. I have a friend. He said that his college classmate once went to the university cafeteria to eat. At that time, he was holding a lunch box and hesitating about what to eat. He muttered: Should I eat chicken or fish? That The cafeteria lady urged him to choose quickly, but he slapped his head and shouted, let’s eat chicken! The cafeteria lady was stunned for three seconds and gave him a sausage. . .

22. The big cat at home gave birth to 6 kittens. They were very cute. Since they were just born, they had not yet opened their eyes. One kitten could not find its feeder for some reason. , or the competition is too great and you can’t get it. One day, the big cat went out to eat. I went to see the kitten and found that the kitten was holding the other kitten's tail and sucking there.

23.

A classmate tells a story about her middle school days. During class, a boy fell asleep on the table and was discovered by the teacher. The teacher was very calm and asked his deskmate to pay attention.

. . .

This is really a washing utensil. . . The deskmate took off his coat and put it on the sleeping boy. . .

24. My computer password is: FUCK YOU, and yesterday my boss wanted to use my computer and asked me to send the password to his mobile phone...

25. One day, A group of young people with unknown origins came to open a private room to celebrate their birthday. They were all well-dressed, thinking that it was another prodigal son of a high-ranking official who came to have fun. After asking, the lady didn't want service, so she sent me a platter and ignored me.

JC comrades came over to check in the middle of the night. But I didn't expect this group of people to be taking drugs. JC looked at a bunch of young people and asked me if we didn’t know them. Go up and catch him without saying a word. Then, comedy happened.

A man with glasses was lying on the wall, his limbs making swimming shapes. The expression is very vulgar. JC went up and pulled him down. Man with glasses: Awesome, you can still recognize me even after I turned into a gecko.

26. It turned out that when I was in school, my deskmate was very playful

Once he was found sleeping in class by the teacher. The teacher said xxx, stand up

I told him I woke up and said that the teacher asked you to stand up, but he stared at the teacher and refused to stand up

The teacher is anxious xxx You stand up! He still didn't get up and rolled his eyes at the teacher

The teacher has lost his temper xxx I can't control students like you and continue the class

I whispered xxx you are really nbb, you are confronting the teacher

xxx said that actually I wanted to stand up

But~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~my legs were numb from sleep. . .

27. At the New Year’s dinner, there are a few tables with name tags, and everyone else can sit wherever they want. Then I heard a woman say: "Go and sit in front, there is your memorial tablet there." I suddenly collapsed...

28. There was a mid-term exam, and a classmate in our grade was in the toilet. Duan Chang was caught for sending text messages inside, but he refused to reveal his accomplices. Duan Chang very calmly used his mobile phone to send a group text message - "Come to the men's room on the second floor to get the answer."

Then... ...comrades came from all directions...the whole army was wiped out...

29. A dear friend in the same dormitory, He is very beautiful and has countless girlfriends. One night he asked him: "Why do you like women so much?"

"I have lacked maternal love since I was a child, and my parents are no longer around."

"Then you lack What should I do if my father loves me?"

This person said the regretful words "I have you"

From then on, this person received great care in our dormitory