How can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along better

Daughter-in-law talks about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

I think mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are quite easy to get along with. The key is to put your mind right. Even if you meet an unreasonable mother-in-law, don't intensify contradictions, but think of countermeasures. If you always feel really wronged, think about how much you have suffered, and you will never solve the problem. In fact, old people need to be coaxed. Otherwise, how can you call an old child? People often say: you respect me one inch, I respect you one foot. If you always regard her as your closest relative, I'm afraid you will have a heart of stone.

Mom, I am very touched. My in-laws used to be the leaders of our small city, and they developed the habit of being pretentious in everything, especially my mother-in-law. I've been married to my lover for 10 years, and all the ugly words came from her mouth, which was particularly hurtful. My husband and I often quarrel about this and even want to get a divorce. I can calm down, but I don't think it's worth it. I won't live with her forever, just bear it. Fortunately, my husband later realized that her mother's practice was really inappropriate, so he helped me calm down on the surface. In fact, he knows very well, her mother is his mother, and I know very well, so I still have to endure it.

Mother-in-law loves her son very much, because his son is her greatest pride and pride, and he is also very filial and obedient to her, but I always think that people should be objective and not obey some backward and superstitious things just because she is a mother, so our differences have arisen. My mother-in-law always thinks she is a hero, likes to praise herself and her grandson. She made no secret in front of me, but I gave birth to a daughter.

I think whether the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can live in peace depends on not living together. If they live in different places, then they will be very polite and will not have affection, so they will be strangers; If you live together, it is easy for two people to have feelings. For example, because I don't have a house, I have been living with the elderly since I got married and get along well. Later, when I had a child, my mother-in-law always took the child with her, which was very hard. I think if I really treat her, she will do the same to me. I can even coquetry in front of my mother-in-law

On the surface, I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, because I have never quarreled, but from the inside, I can't treat my mother-in-law like my own. I think the responsibility lies with my mother-in-law. ) I am an easy-going person, and I have always believed in being honest with others, even if I don't say it! When I first got married, I always regarded my mother-in-law as my own mother (sincere, heartfelt respect and concern), but my mother-in-law did something she didn't tell me (no details), which made me clearly realize that although she was kind to me on the surface, in fact she always regarded me as someone else's daughter. It's a pity that my husband didn't realize how much it hurt me!

My opinion on the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

As the saying goes, "a daughter-in-law makes a wife", the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been an indispensable theme in China's family relations. Why are there so many contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? How to deal with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law correctly? Below, I will use a small case to talk about some personal views on this issue.

Case: This is a very lively family. Mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and husband live together. As the saying goes, "three women's lives", the two women here also had a good time. The mother-in-law is impatient, and the daughter-in-law can't stand it. Two people have conflicts every day; The husband has a good temper. When his mother-in-law quarreled with his daughter-in-law, he said nothing but laughed. The daughter-in-law complained to him about her mother-in-law, and he listened; His mother-in-law told him about her daughter-in-law, and he listened. This kind of family is the epitome of thousands of traditional families in China and Qian Qian. The silk thread of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is constantly being cut, and the reason is still chaotic.

Why are there so many contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in such a family? This can be explained from the perspective of psychodynamics. It turns out that subconsciously, the mother is the first woman that the boy is close to and loves. The boy is attached to his mother and needs a woman with similar personality to form a partner and spend his life together. So, "little boy, sitting at the door crying for a wife", human beings will continue to multiply from generation to generation. When a boy grows up and really marries a daughter-in-law, the daughter-in-law often has some characteristics similar to her mother-in-law. As the saying goes: "Same-sex repulsion", both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are women, and there are some similarities. It is not surprising that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law repel each other in the above cases. Besides these, there are deeper reasons. Deep down, the mother-in-law wants her son's love and the daughter-in-law wants to monopolize her husband's love, so two people compete to get love, and neither of them wants to lose the happiness of being loved. When there are certain problems in the family structure, both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can't help quarreling.

How does such a family deal with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? I want to give five suggestions to this family.

First, find the resources of the family, get close to this resource, and keep a proper distance from the people who hurt. In the family quoted above, the son/husband can accept and tolerate the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, has a personality as tolerant as the sea, and is a figure with the greatest resources. Daughter-in-law can pay less attention to some harmful attitudes of her mother-in-law, and pay more attention to her husband's words and deeds, that is, get close to resource figures to gain energy. Gradually divide the small family through the approach of the daughter-in-law and her husband and the appropriate distance from her mother-in-law; By changing psychological energy betting, more active betting is realized, and psychological energy is gradually injected into small families.

Second, identify with and learn from the practices of resource figures. For example, in the above-mentioned families, as a younger and more flexible generation, the daughter-in-law can learn more from her husband's practice. The husband has adopted the practice of ignoring harmful attitudes, and the daughter-in-law can discuss this practice with her husband: "Is this a good way to ignore? What else can we do? Maybe the husband can participate more and play a role? " Husband and wife adjust together to find a constructive and positive attitude and method.

Third, put more psychological energy into the world outside the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, to create a better life, and in this process, cultivate the ability of lovers. For example, in the above-mentioned families, the daughter-in-law can work more actively and hard, increase the interest in life with her husband, care more about her husband, and offset and vent unpleasant emotions through love.

Fourth, properly meet the normal psychological needs of the elderly and cultivate "the ability to share love." For example, when the family atmosphere is pleasant, the husband and wife will spend more time with the elderly and listen to the history of revolutionaries. Giving love, you will get human feelings, just like pouring a pot of hot soup with cold water, making your family feel comfortable, refreshed and at ease.

Fifth, in the interaction of the above three families, the mother-in-law should gradually accept the new family structure. With three people working together, this family will get better and better. Daughter-in-law can only reduce the tragedy of "peasant uprising army finally became emperor" by dealing with the relationship in the family and becoming a mother-in-law. L. Reasons why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is easily unbalanced

Observation and research pointed out that the main reasons for the imbalance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are as follows.

The particularity of (1) relation.

There are two basic family relationships: husband-wife relationship and parent-child relationship, which form the basis of family structure. Other relationships, such as brothers and sisters, sister-in-law, mother-in-law and grandchildren, are all derived from this. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has its particularity in family interpersonal relationship. It is neither a marriage relationship nor a blood relationship, but a special relationship formed by the above two relationships. Therefore, this interpersonal relationship has neither the stability of parent-child relationship nor the intimacy of marriage relationship. It is formed by the extension of parent-child relationship and husband-wife relationship. If handled well, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law each "love my house and my dog"-mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law because she loves her son, and daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law because she loves her husband, so the relationship between them will be harmonious. However, if it is not handled properly, there will be cracks between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which is difficult to make up.

(2) Differences of interests.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in the same family. The same affiliation naturally leads to the same economic interests, and both sides naturally want their families to prosper. This is the same side of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law But at the same time, there are often differences, contradictions and even infighting in the management and control of family affairs. Our family has the tradition of "men are the masters outside and women are the masters inside". The mother-in-law has been in charge of the family for decades, and now she gives power to her daughter-in-law, who plays a leading role in family affairs. It is often difficult for mother-in-law to adapt to this role change. "Although some mothers-in-law are over 60 years old, they still want to maintain their economic dominance in the family, or it is difficult to accept the fact that their daughter-in-law is in charge of the family's economic power; The daughter-in-law is often unwilling to give in, which will inevitably lead to contradictions. Even if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in the same household, it is easy to have differences because of their different status, different angles of consideration and different needs.

(3) Poor mutual acceptability.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law used to live in different families, each with its own life background and habits. Now the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in the same family, and there is a process of gradual understanding and mutual adaptation. If you can't adapt well and accept each other, there will be tension and contradiction.

(4) The intermediary is unbalanced.

In the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, sons play a very important intermediary role. If the son plays a good intermediary role, the emotional connection between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can be strengthened. On the contrary, it is easy to become the focus of contradictions, and there is a dilemma of "being attacked on both sides". Despite the deep affection between mother and son, it is inevitable that this relationship will become complicated after marriage. Because after all, husband and wife have more similarities in activities, plans, expenses and communication. On these issues, the consistency of husband and wife's views often exceeds that of mother and son. This is because the son and mother are separated by a generation and have psychological differences, which easily leads to the imbalance of the intermediary role of the son. If a mother doesn't understand, she will have the mentality of "marrying her daughter-in-law and forgetting her mother", mistakenly thinking that her son's feelings for himself were taken away by her daughter-in-law and she was angry with her daughter-in-law.

2. Adjustment of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

In front of us, we analyzed the reasons why conflicts easily occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, so how to deal with the relationship scientifically? Here, we put forward some suggestions, hoping to help readers.

(1) Respect and understand each other.

To properly handle the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, we must first have a correct understanding of this interpersonal relationship. Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should recognize each other's independent personality and economic status, and their relationship is an equal interpersonal relationship, not a relationship in which one party must obey the domination and domination of the other. It is very important to realize this. If both parties or one party lacks a correct understanding of this relationship and thinks that the other party must or should obey and obey themselves, and thus regards this equal interpersonal relationship as a relationship of domination and obedience, it will inevitably be manifested in actions and attitudes. Lead to the imbalance between the two sides. Mutual respect between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law requires both sides to discuss things with the whole family, such as economic expenses and matters involving the whole family, and cultivate a democratic family style; Personal affairs should not interfere with each other, and individuals should enjoy "autonomy". As a daughter-in-law, you should respect your mother-in-law, because her mother-in-law is old and experienced as a housekeeper; A mother-in-law should not always put on airs in front of her daughter-in-law, but should see her strengths and respect her opinions. In other words, the two sides should cooperate and respect each other. After living together for many years, it is inevitable that some uncoordinated things will happen. At this time, it is even more necessary for both sides to understand each other. The so-called "understanding" is to consider the problem from the other side's standpoint. The principles of "put yourself in the other's shoes" and "don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you" advocated by our ancestors in dealing with interpersonal relationships all contain the idea of understanding, which is the "golden rule" in dealing with interpersonal relationships and is completely applicable to dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

To develop a good relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, both sides need to learn to understand and be considerate of each other. For example, when going to the garden on Sunday, the daughter-in-law should not only go with her husband and children, but also leave her in-laws at home so that her mother-in-law will not feel lonely. On the contrary, the daughter-in-law takes care of her husband more and her mother-in-law less, and her mother-in-law should be considerate. If both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can put themselves in each other's shoes and understand each other when they get along, the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will not be great, but will develop as close as parent-child relationship.

(2) avoid quarreling.

When there are differences and contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, both sides should keep a cool head. Even if one party loses his temper, the other party should restrain his emotional reaction and wait until the other party's mood is calm before discussing and dealing with the existing problems. Psychology tells us that negative and strong emotions can easily make people lose their rationality and lead to the escalation of conflicts; There is also "inertia" in quarreling, that is, once there is a "war" over a trivial matter, there will be frequent quarrels in the future, and over time, prejudice will grow bigger and bigger. Therefore, when one party's emotional reaction is fierce, the other party should remain calm and silent, or look for opportunities to get out and avoid, and then exchange views and deal with problems after the situation subsides.

In addition, both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have opinions on weekdays, and it is forbidden to talk with neighbors, colleagues or friends. There is a folk proverb in our country: "The more you donate, the less you donate and the more you get." . I'm talking about the bad influence of "passing words" in interpersonal relationships. If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are not in harmony, telling relatives and neighbors will spread beyond recognition, which will only aggravate the contradiction. As a mother-in-law, you should take a warning.

(3) The combination of material filial piety and emotional communication.

As a daughter-in-law, to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law, besides material filial piety, she should also pay attention to emotional communication with her mother-in-law and eliminate psychological obstacles. Only timely psychological communication can shorten the psychological distance between the two sides. Therefore, a daughter-in-law should always ask her mother-in-law how she is warm and cold on weekdays. Whenever the elderly are unwell, they need careful care and psychological comfort.

(4) Play the intermediary role of the son.

As mentioned above, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is originally a new family interpersonal relationship formed by the extension of parent-child relationship and husband-wife relationship. Son plays the role of "intermediary" in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. As the intermediary point of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the son knows the personality characteristics of both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law best. Therefore, sons play a very important intermediary role in dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. This function is mainly manifested in: ① sons can help mother-in-law and daughter-in-law communicate psychologically. The so-called "communication" is the psychological and emotional return between people. Through the communication between sons, it is easier for women to eliminate psychological barriers and enhance their feelings. For example, if there are any good things about her mother-in-law at home on weekdays, her son can invite his wife to come forward more, and her mother can buy something for her birthday and ask her to come forward and give it to the elderly. These strategies are conducive to emotional communication between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. (2) When the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are in conflict, the son can play the role of counseling. Because the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lack the kindness between mother and son. There is no intimate relationship between husband and wife, and it is often not easy to bridge the gap. Through the son's intervention, the psychological obstacles were eliminated and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law were reconciled.