The army tells jokes.

An American is eating in a restaurant in China. When the waiter brought a lobster, the Americans

Q: "What should I do with the remaining shrimp shells?"

"Of course," said the waiter.

"no! Don't! No! " The American shook his head and said, "In our country, leftover shrimp shells.

Send it to the factory, make it into shrimp cakes and sell it to you in China. "

After a while, the waiter brought another plate of fruit, and the American pointed to one of the lemons.

Q: "What should I do with the remaining lemon peel?" "Of course, it is poured out," Shi.

Zhedao

"no! Don't! No! "

The American shook his head and said, "In our country, the leftover lemon peel is sent to the factory.

Make fruit baby and sell it to you in China. "

When checking out, the American asked the waiter with a smile while chewing gum, "Excuse me?"

What do you do with the leftover chewing gum? "Of course, spit it out," said the waiter.

"no! Don't! No! "

The American shook his head and said proudly, "In our country, chewed gum is brought in."

In the factory, I make condoms and sell them to you in China. "

The waiter asked impatiently, "Do you know what to do with second gloves in China?"

Condoms? "

"Of course, throw it away," said the American humanist.

The waiter shook his head and said, "No! Don't! Don't! In China, used condoms are sent in.

In the factory, make chewing gum and sell it to your America. "

Classic joke: cannibals

A woman ran into a dead end under the pursuit of cannibals. The woman got her pants wet because she was afraid. When the cannibal saw it, he cursed, "What a fucking pity! The soup spilled! "

After giving birth to the child, the cannibal should first hold the child to her husband and politely say, "Eat while it is hot!" " "

Billionaire cannibals travel abroad with their sons. On the plane, the son asked his father, "Why are there so many people on the plane?" Dad replied, "God always protects us.

Cannibals call elevators vending machines.

Cannibals call their adopted son "bad food"

Cannibals call bathhouses steamers.

Cannibals call people who take a bath: ruin their meals.

Classic joke: drink phlegm

Eldest brother and second brother went to the theater to see the play. On the way, they saw that they were arguing about the development of the plot, so they made a bet.

The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there."

Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown.

The two went on to bet on the next plot. This time, the second child lost.

I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and swallow fifteen mouthfuls in one gulp.

Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "

The second one shook his head. "I don't want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! " "

Classic joke: someone touched my ass.

One night, a private got up to take a shit at night, and there was no light in our toilet. He had to go to the toilet in the dark. When he was halfway through the solution, he found someone touching his ass. He was so scared that he ran to the security sergeant without wearing pants and shouted, "An Guan! An Guan! Someone touched my ass in the toilet! "

An Guan: Is there such a thing? ! Don't tell anyone, I'll take care of it. Go back to sleep first! "The next day, the security officer told the monitor about it. The squad leaders were afraid of affecting the morale of the troops and decided to catch ghosts together next time.

I haven't been haunted for a week. ......

One night, another soldier went to the toilet. When he squatted down, he felt someone touching his ass. This time, he shouted even louder. All the monitor got up to flush the toilet, some with sticks and some with brooms. There are seven or eight people around the door of the urinal, and the door is full of lights. Everyone wants to see what's inside. Just then, one monitor opened the door and the other monitors looked in. All the squad leaders were dumbfounded, stunned for about three or four seconds, only to hear the squad leader say, "XXX is happy!" ! What the hell? Touch your ass! It's all shit! ! !

The son asked his father: Does the heart have legs?

Dad: No!

The son asked his mother: Does the liver have legs?

Mom: No?

Son: I am surprised. Last night, my father said to his mother under the covers, "Honey, split your legs."

1. Forum landlord: Please smash the photo of my girlfriend and me ~

Forum reply: The sex organs of plants are inserted in the excrement of long-horned cloven-hoofed animals. ...

2. Landlord of the forum: I bought a new manor and told you how big it was, which scared you to death-I drove for two and a half hours! ! !

Forum sofa: well, I used to have such a broken car ~

3. Forum Landlord: Isn't it hot for you women to wear bras in summer?

Forum reply: We will be hot without you. ...

4. Forum landlord: When I was with my girlfriend ML, my girlfriend seemed to call other men's names. ...

Forum sofa: What are you dissatisfied with sleeping with someone else's woman? ! !

5. Forum owner: Why is it forbidden to publish this word to visit Japan? Japan is relatively cold, and the airport doesn't even hang a welcome slogan?

Forum sofa: How to hang it? Warmly welcome old Japanese friends to China?

6. The landlord of the forum: Collect the most profane words.

Forum reply 3 1: Did your mother throw people away and raise the placenta when she gave birth to you?

7. Forum landlord: Dad gave my husband a deer whip. What does this mean? There are photos to say ~

Forum sofa: this is the spur of the older generation to the younger generation ~ ~ ~

8. The landlord of the forum: What is the palace sand on the little dragon girl's arm in "The Condor Heroes" and what is its use?

Forum reply: Palace sand is a desktop shortcut for virgins.

9. Forum landlord: The news said that someone was swallowed by a python. What if you really meet a python in the wild?

Forum reply 1 1: pinching seven inches and stabbing the anus are two very effective methods, I hope everyone will spread them widely.

Forum reply 12: Agkistrodon's anus or its own anus?

……

Forum reply 47: Bullshit, what are you poking at in this godforsaken place!

Forum reply 48: Xu Xian knows what to poke!

10. Landlord of the Forum: You have to shave your armpits in summer, otherwise wearing short sleeves will affect the image of a lady. By the way, is it forbidden to publish by scraping?

Forum sofa: Don't scratch your mouth!

1 1. Forum Landlord: Handsome is useless-it's not eaten by a chess piece in the end!

Forum reply: Handsome guys have companies, guns, horses, cars and unrequited love ... What's wrong with handsome men? ! !

12. Forum Landlord: Why do children born have the same surname as their fathers?

Forum sofa: Because the money spit out by ATM belongs to the cardholder.

14. As we all know, the road from east to north in Liu Jiao is downhill. Just now, when I came to Liu Jiao, I suddenly saw a lovely MM riding straight down and shouting "Cool!" Attracted many pedestrians. Looking back now, MM's sweet voice is really unforgettable ~

She seems to be yelling for the following reasons:

1. I just finished the exam and I am in a good mood;

The day's homework is over, let's play!

3. Because it is downhill, the breeze comes on the face when rushing down, and it feels very cool;

4.MM happened to see me, a handsome guy, and was too excited to confess, so she had to shout.

5. Everyone added ...:)

Forum sofa: I will put this girl's car seat back tomorrow!

Imperial horse in song dynasty

There was a groom in the state of Song. One day, I wanted to get on the bus and pull something, so I took a horse and put it on the rut. But the horse refused to move forward, and it was no use beating with a whip and a stick. This man

Great anger, a sword cut off the horse's head and threw it into the ravine. Then I got on a horse and refused to go forward. When I was angry again, my horse's head was thrown into the ravine again. In this way, three chariots and horses were killed in a row.

I haven't decided yet.

A tail is afraid of punishment.

Ai Zi drifts across the ocean and stays on an island overnight. I heard crying underwater, so I listened carefully.

The voice said, "Yesterday, the Dragon King ordered all aquatic animals with tails to be beheaded, so they cried and said they were afraid of being beheaded. Since you toads have no tail, why do you cry with it? "

Another answer: "I'm lucky to have no tail today, but I'm afraid I'll be investigated when I'm a tadpole!" " "

Peng Zu's wife.

Once, Ai Zi went out and saw a white-haired old woman crying on the roadside. Ai Zi asked, "Why are you so sad?"

The old woman replied, "My husband is dead."

Ai Zi asked again, "Who is the husband?"

"Peng Zu."

"Peng Zushou died, 800 years old, not short. Why are you so sad? "

The old woman said, "It's not too long to die at the age of 800, but some people live to be 900. How can I feel at ease? "

One person can steal a horse, while another person can't cross the fence.

When Tian Deng became a county magistrate, he was afraid that people would call him by his first name. Anyone who breaks the law will be beaten. Therefore, people all over the state pronounce the word "light" as "fire". The fifteenth day of the first month is Lantern Festival.

Lanterns allow people to visit and watch in the city. The official wrote a placard to hang in the street: "According to the old rules, the country will set fire for three days."

Protect the seedlings.

Zhou planted several new willow saplings in front of the house, and worried that the children in the neighborhood would shake and play, he sent Aleutian to guard them. Stay at A Tong's house for dinner, and put down the wicker for fear that the children will make trouble.

It's all pulled out and hidden.

Become a cabinet veteran

Dai Dabin, Fujian native, 13 years old Zhongxiang native, is an outstanding talent.

At that time, he went to take part in the imperial examination. People who took part in the examination saw that he was young and asked him, "Are you going to be an official at an early age? What are you going to do? "

Dai Dabin said, "Be an elder."

A scholar teased him and said, "I'm not old enough to miss pavilions."

Dai Dabin replied sarcastically: "No talent is a scholar." Everyone burst into laughter.

Sell oneself for money

There was a rich man who was ill for a long time. Because he regards money as his life and refuses to seek medical advice, he is dying. On his deathbed, he said to his wife, "I have tried my best in my life."

Accumulate money and finally save it. After I die, I can sell my skin to a shoemaker, meat to a butcher and bones to a paint shop. Commemorate ... "Say that finish, I closed my eyes.

Death is over. Suddenly, he opened his eyes slightly, exhausted his last strength and said intermittently, "Now, people can't believe it now. Don't take credit. Be sure to-

Cash! "

Two days have passed.

Song Wen Jing, the minister of the Northern Song Dynasty, likes to cover the windows tightly and light expensive candles and sing and dance in them. The invited guests have forgotten fatigue in this environment and only feel it.

Why is this night so long? When I opened the curtain, I realized that two days had passed.

Don't commit suicide.

The host left a friend for dinner, but the food on the table was only a bowl of tofu. He said, "I like tofu best. This is my life. I don't think anything is as delicious as tofu. "

A few days later, the host invited another friend to dinner, thinking that he liked tofu, so he put it in the fish. Who knows that he doesn't eat tofu, but only chooses fish to eat meat.

The host asked, "You said tofu is your life. Why not eat today? "

He replied, "I don't even want to die at the sight of fish."

Drink ginseng soup.

A rich young master went out and saw a poor man with a burden on his back lying on the ground. He asked the pedestrian, "Why is this man lying down?"

Answer: "The man had no food and was hungry, so he fell to the ground to catch his breath."

The young master said, "Strange! Since I haven't eaten it, why not drink a bowl of ginseng chicken soup and go out? You can be full for a long time after drinking! "

Mother of salted eggs

A and B eat salted duck eggs for the first time.

A said in surprise, "The eggs I used to eat were very light. Why is this egg so salty? "

B said, "It's a good thing you asked me this. To tell you the truth, this egg was laid by a salted duck. "

Joke about the burden

There was a scholar who was nearly seventy years old and gave birth to a happy son, so he was named "year old". The next year, I gave birth to another one, who looked like a scholar and was named "Xue". In the third year, I gave birth to my third child.

The scholar said, "It's a joke to have a baby at this age." Just call it a joke.

Three sons grew up and one day went up the mountain to get firewood. When he came back from firewood, the old scholar asked, "Does that child do much firewood?"

Answer: "I am old and have no knowledge at all, but I have the burden of jokes."

Cut off horse liver.

Legend has it that horse liver is poisonous. In the Han Dynasty, a man named Hu Wen died because he ate horse liver. The pedant retorted, "horse liver is in the horse's belly. Why won't the horse die? "

Others said, "Isn't it because of liver poison that horses are not over 100 years old?"

The pedant was convinced that horse liver was cut off for one of his horses, and the horse was hacked to death. The pedant said, "It's really poisonous. You can't live if you cut it off. If you hide it in your stomach.

That would be even worse. "

You leave me QQ, I+your friend, you must.