Under what circumstances would you be moved by yourself?

Author: Anonymous user

Link: /question/27552161/answer/37207489

Source: Zhihu

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I’ve sorted it out, but it’s actually not much clearer, so I’ll keep the previous ones.

I understand that moving oneself refers to the behavior of ignoring objective external factors and subjectively thinking that doing something can achieve a certain effect.

Of course, this understanding can be applied to many aspects, but for the subject of the question, let’s talk about interpersonal relationships.

If you use touching as the key word to judge a relationship simply and crudely, subjectively it can be divided into three aspects: the degree to which you are moved, the degree to which others are moved, and the degree to which others are moved to you.

①The degree to which you are moved can be understood as the weight of this relationship in your heart.

②The degree of touching others can be understood as the actual weight of the relationship in others' hearts.

③The degree to which others move you can be understood as your own understanding of the weight of this relationship in the hearts of others.

Because ① and ③ are subjective opinions, we can say that how a relationship is depends to a large extent on how we think it is, rather than what it is actually like. . This is also the reason why ② and ③ are separated. Another reason why ② and ③ are separated is that ② is actually something we cannot know at all, while ③ we can feel, but it may be hinted to us by the other party. Then based on this division, the following situations may occur:

Scenario 1: ① and ③ reaching equality is the healthiest and most harmonious relationship, and it is also the situation where we are most likely to feel positive feelings such as happiness. Because in our eyes at this time, the other person and I value each other and like each other.

Scenario 2: The situation where ① is greater than ② is the situation where we are most likely to be hurt in this relationship and the hardest to bear this kind of damage. Because this situation can be understood as being self-motivated.

Scenario 3: The situation where ① is greater than ③ is actually a situation where we feel hurt. It is different from the previous one because the harm we have to bear in this case is something we can expect. For example, secret love and the negative emotions parents feel from their children mostly fall into this category.

Scenario 4: ② is greater than ①, ② is greater than ③. In fact, we don’t feel much in this case, because it is because others like us more, and others like us less. Know or don't care.

Scenario 5: ③ is greater than ①. The difference between this situation and the previous one is that we may feel uncomfortable at this time, because we feel that the other party likes us very much, but we do not A conscientious person who doesn't like the other person may feel emotions like guilt in this situation.

Scenario 6: ③ is greater than ②, eh, this situation is more unusual, but not uncommon. It is a typical narcissistic mentality and belongs to the sentimental type.

The classification of these situations is relatively simple, but the situation in real life may be more complicated. But just briefly talk about some ideas.

From the above situations, we can roughly understand why there are so many problems in interpersonal relationships. Many people find it very complicated, because among the above six situations, only one is psychologically satisfactory to everyone. relation. This is just a situation where we feel satisfied. The actual satisfaction requirements are higher and the situation is more complicated. For example, in situation 1, in addition to the need for ① and ③ to be equal, it is also necessary that ③ and ② should not have too many gaps. Without going into analysis, I will just explain the subject’s self-impression.

From the above six relationships, we can see that situations 2, 3, 5, and 6 are all situations in which we feel unhappy. Assuming that people's expectations for interpersonal relationships are based on self-comfort and happiness (not excluding those with noble spirits), then these five situations must be avoided.

Scenario 4 is excluded for the time being, because the degree to which others are touched, that is, the weight of this relationship in others, is beyond our control and cannot be known.

In fact, compared with Scenario 5, in which you value more than the other person, Scenario 5 obviously brings more obvious discomfort, because Scenario 5 is about how much others value you.

So, we can also feel that most of the reasons why we are hurt in a relationship are because we have been touched, whether by ourselves or by others. Thinking more deeply, the reason why we are Being hurt because we are moved is because we have expectations for the relationship after being moved. In the end, we feel unhappy and hurt because our expectations are inconsistent with the actual situation (basically the expectations are lower than the actual situation). Condition). In some relationships, we may receive surprises, such as situation 4. In the development of this kind of relationship, the other party will always do things beyond our expectations, and our expectations will be lower than the actual situation.

So, being moved means creating an expectation. The higher the degree of being moved, the higher the expectation. To explain the above situation again, if you move yourself too much, you will have seriously unrealistic expectations, which will inevitably lead to disappointment and sadness.

If you are moved too much by others, you will be burdened with too many expectations of others, and you will feel like you are being kidnapped.

To avoid such a situation, either you will be a cold-blooded bitch, always taking without giving, so that you will not have expectations for others.

Either you understand that everything you do is done willingly by yourself and has nothing to do with others.

This requires you to be calm. When your children do something you don’t want them to do, when your parents can’t understand your avant-garde ideas, when your friends When you are desperate, when your lover doesn't love you, when the development of all relationships is not in line with your expectations.

Of course, it is almost inevitable for people to be moved. Even if you think about the reason, because people’s emotional reactions cannot be controlled, when we move ourselves more than others, we still It will be painful. To avoid this situation, you should keep your eyes peeled when looking for someone to impress. Find someone with conscience, morality, and quality. Everyone can go back and forth, and the degree to which the other party moves you will be the same as the degree to which you move yourself. Growth comes with growth. It’s okay if there is a gap, but it shouldn’t be too big.

As for you wanting to change others, if you tell them this point of view and they still insist on it, then give up. You cannot change a person. In addition, this point of view can easily offend people. So far, after talking day and night, I have only changed my mother. She no longer forces me to get married immediately after graduating from college because she has raised me for many years, but that's it.