Classic English jokes 12

The following are 12 classic English jokes compiled by me for your reference.

Watch out for dogs!

A stranger walked into a small country shop and noticed a warning sign, "Danger! Beware of dogs! " Stick it on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound sleeping on the floor next to the cash register. "Is that a dog that people should watch out for?" He asked the shopkeeper. "Yes, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help being amused. "In my opinion, that certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog. Why on earth did you put up that sign? " "Because," explained the shopkeeper, "people kept tripping over him before I put up that sign!"

A stranger walked into a small shop in his hometown and saw a sign posted on the glass door, which read:? Danger! Watch out for dogs! ? After going in, he saw an old dog that didn't look fierce at all sleeping on the floor next to the cash register. ? Is this the dog that everyone should pay attention to? The stranger asked the shopkeeper. ? Yes, that's him? , the owner replied. Hearing this answer, the stranger felt very funny. ? I don't think that dog is scary at all. Why did you post that notice? Because? The shopkeeper explained,? Before I posted the notice, everyone tripped over him. ?

Get married in heaven.

A young couple died in a car accident on their way to get married. Now they are in front of St. Peter, and the young lady asks them if they can get married. St Peter told them that he had to give them an answer. About 30 days later, St Peter came back and told the couple that they could get married in heaven. The young lady then asked St. Peter? If things don't go well, can we get a divorce? St. Peter looked at her and replied, "Madam, it took me 30 days to find a missionary. Do you really think I will find a lawyer?" ! ! "

A young couple was killed in a car accident on their way to get married. So they came to St. Peter, and his wife asked her if she could still marry her husband. St Peter told them that he would come back to them once he had a result on this issue. Almost 30 days later, St. Peter came back and told them that they could get married in heaven. The wife asked again:? If life is unhappy, can I get a divorce? St Peter looked at her and replied, Madam, it took me 30 days to find a missionary. Do you really want me to find another lawyer?

Classic English joke: roll call

On my first day in college, I sat in the front row in literature class. The professor told us that we would be responsible for reading five books, and he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he walked slowly onto the platform, took out his textbook and began to say, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook …" I was writing down all the names enthusiastically when I felt someone pat me on the shoulder. The student sitting behind me whispered, "He is calling the roll."

On the first day of college, I sat in the front row of literature class. The professor told us that we must read five books this semester, and he provided us with a list of authors for us to choose from. Then he walked slowly onto the platform and took out his textbook. Baker, Blake, Bruce, Carter, Cook? In order to write down all the names, I had to take crazy notes. At this moment, someone patted me on the shoulder, and the student sitting behind me quietly told me that he was calling the roll. ?

Classic English jokes: the most desirable signature

Our university newspaper has a special topic on questions every week. The recent question is: "whose autograph do you want most and why?" Unsurprisingly, most of the answers mentioned music or sports stars or politicians. The best answer came from a freshman who said, "The person who signed my diploma."

Our university newspaper has a weekly problem column. Last week's question was: whose autograph do you want most? Why? Unsurprisingly, most of the answers were singers, sports stars or politicians. However, the best answer comes from a freshman who said:? The person who signed my diploma. ?

Classic English joke: motivation

My English professor once gave a lecture on "motivation", "What pushes you forward?" He asked. "What makes you go to school every day? What is the driving force that makes you work hard to complete? " He suddenly turned to a young woman and asked, "What makes you get up in the morning?" The student replied, "My mother."

Our English professor once said it in class. Motive? . ? What pushes you forward on the road of life? He asked, what makes you come to school every day? What drives you to pursue success? At a female student, he asked: What made you get up in the morning? The student replied:? My mom. ?

Classic English jokes: class, lover and donkey

Professor Tom is going to meet his students the next day, so he wrote on the blackboard: "Professor Tom will meet the whole class tomorrow." After reading the notice, a student felt that he had a chance to show his sense of humor and went forward to erase the "c" in the word "class". The professor noticed the laughter, turned around, walked back, looked at the student, looked at the notice with the "C" erased-calmly stepped forward, erased the "L" in "lass", looked at the stunned student and continued on his way.

Professor Tom is going to see his students the next day, so he writes on the blackboard:? Professor Tom will meet you tomorrow? . A student saw this notice, and thought it was time to show his sense of humor, so he stepped forward and let it go? Class? Are you online? c？ Erase, the professor heard laughter, turned and walked back, looked at the students, looked at the changed notice, and quietly stepped forward to put it? lass？ Are you online? l？ Erase, looked at the stunned student, and the professor walked away.

Classic English joke: intellectual defect

"Do you mind telling me, doctor," Bob asked, "how did you find out that a person who looks completely normal has mental defects?" "Nothing is simpler than this," he replied. "You ask him a simple question, and everyone should answer it effortlessly. If he hesitates, then you are on track. " "Well, what kind of question?" "Well, you can ask him,' Captain Cook sailed around the world three times and died on one of them. Which one? Bob thought for a moment, then smiled nervously and said, "You don't happen to have another example, do you?" I must admit that I don't know much about history "

? Doctor, can you tell me? Bob asked. For a person who looks normal, how to judge that he has mental deficiency? Nothing is easier than this. The doctor replied,? Ask him a simple question, so simple that everyone knows the answer. If he doesn't answer simply, then you know what's going on. ? Well, what kind of questions do you want to ask? Captain Cook traveled around the world three times, but he died on one of them. When was it? Bob thought for a moment and replied nervously. Can't you ask another question? Frankly, I don't know much about history. ?

Classic English joke: open-book exam

On the day of my final exam at Santa Maria Community College in California, we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business administration textbooks. Before class, several of us rushed to the bookstore to sell our books. When our professor announced that it would be an open-book exam considering the difficulty of the final exam, we were sitting waiting for the exam.

I study in a community college in Santa Maria, California. On the day of the final exam, I heard that the bookstore was buying back our business management textbooks. Before the exam, we rushed to the bookstore and sold our books. Then, we sat in the classroom waiting for the exam. At this time, the professor announced: considering the difficulty of the test, we decided to open the book today.

Classic English joke: the captain's recording

I am your captain. On behalf of my crew ... welcome aboard British Airways Flight 602 from new york to London. We are currently flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. If you look out of the starboard window of the plane, you will find that both engines on the starboard side are on fire. If you look out of the window on the port side, you will find that the wing on the port side has fallen off. If you look down at the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a small yellow life raft with three people waving to you. That's me, the co-pilot and a stewardess. This is a recording.

This is the voice of your captain. On behalf of all the staff, please allow me to welcome you aboard British Airways Flight 602 from new york to London. We are now at an altitude of 35,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. If you look out of the window from the right side of the plane, you will find that both engines on the right side are on fire. If you look out from the left, you will see that the wings over there have fallen off. If you look down at the Atlantic Ocean below, you will see a yellow life raft with three people waving to you. That's me, the co-pilot and one of our stewardesses. This is a recording.

Classic English joke: boring classroom

At Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Verde, one of my favorite teachers is famous for his funny sense of humor. Explaining his basic principles to a freshman class, he said, "I know my class may often be boring, so I don't mind you looking at your watch in class." However, I object to you knocking them on the table to make sure they are running! "

When I was studying at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Verde, one of my favorite teachers was famous for his sense of humor. Give a lesson to freshmen. He explained the discipline in his class. He said: I know my classes are usually boring, so I don't mind you looking at your watch in class. However, I strongly forbid you to drop your watch on the table and check whether it is still running. ?

Classic English joke: traffic accident

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car from the side and knocked him unconscious. Passers-by pulled him out of the wreckage and brought him to life. He started a terrible struggle and the doctor had to sedate him. Later, when he calmed down, they asked him why he was struggling so hard. He said, "I remember the impact, and then there was nothing. I woke up on the concrete floor in front of a huge flashing "shell" sign. Someone is standing in front of S.

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a red light and hit his car from the side. At that time, he was unconscious. Passers-by pulled him out of the car and woke him up. As soon as he woke up, he struggled desperately and finally had to use drugs to calm him down. After a while, he calmed down When asked why he struggled so painfully, he said? I didn't know anything after I was hit. When I woke up, I found myself lying on the side of the road, and a huge billboard flashed in front of me? Shells? But someone stopped it? s .？

Classic English joke: a letter to God

A little boy needed $50 badly. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then, he decided to write a letter to God and ask for the 50 dollars. When the post office received this letter to the American God, they decided to send it to the President. The president was amused. He instructed his secretary to give the boy a five-dollar bill. The president thought it seemed like a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was so happy with this $5 bill that he sat down and wrote a thank-you letter to God, which read: Dear God, thank you very much for the money you sent. However, I noticed that for some reason, you sent it through Washington, D.C., and as usual, these turkeys kept the tax of $45.

There is a little boy who is in urgent need of 50 dollars. He prayed for this for weeks, but nothing happened. Later, he decided to write a letter and ask God for the 50 dollars. After receiving this letter, the post office thought it would be better to give it to the president. The president was amused, so he instructed his secretary to give the little boy $5 because he thought $5 was too much for a child. The little boy was very happy after receiving the money and sent a thank-you letter to God, which read: Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I found that the money was sent through the White House, so as usual, these guys charged me $45 in tax.