What should we do in the face of parents' complaints?

Parents always spread negative emotions to us. What should I do? Will the influence of family background on children really be doomed for a lifetime? Especially for children in single-parent families, caregivers are emotionally unstable and moody. When a child feels happy, his single father or mother will say something that disappoints the child. Talking and communicating with them will often turn into accusations and complaints, and they still think they are right, and find various reasons and reasons for themselves, thinking that they are all children's problems. I don't listen to any explanation from the child at all. After every quarrel, I always use my elders to force my children to admit their mistakes, so some children admit their mistakes regardless of the facts. When children feel wronged, angry and powerless, especially single parents, they use the words "always, every time". However, such children will involuntarily use the words "always, every time" when pouring out their troubles. This is the influence of family background on children. Parents' behavior will make children unconsciously imitate, even emotionally unstable, just like their parents. This is all because parents want to control their children and make them obey. When a child enters a love relationship when he grows up, he will actively create conflicts like his parents, forcing the other party to admit his mistakes and trying to control the other party. This is a kind of compulsive repetition.

This kind of parents obviously treat their children as emotional trash cans. There is a classic cat kicking effect in psychology. After being criticized by the boss, one is in a bad mood. When he got home, he quarreled with his wife. His wife had nowhere to vent her anger, so she scolded the children who were studying next to her. The reprimanded child was angry. When he saw a cat in the yard, he gave it a good kick. This is the vicious circle of negative emotions, and the cat kicking effect is the process of negative emotions spreading and transferring among different people. In this process, it is often from high to low and from strong to weak. In the family, because of the differences in identity and status, children can easily become the vent of parents' negative emotions. At this time, children are at the bottom of the family hierarchy, and they regard children as trash cans for their complaints and emotional venting. Then it is usually difficult for a child to cope with such strong and lasting negative energy. Over time, the child's inner world may be distorted, including his future love and emotional life, lack of trust in others and the surrounding environment, and easy to be nervous and suspicious. However, parents in such a family may not be aware of the psychological harm they have caused to their children. Because their own ability to control and control their emotions, including interpersonal skills, is not high. To put it bluntly, emotional intelligence is not high. It is also difficult for them to learn to empathize and understand others. As a result, when children who have realized the injury point out their parents' misconduct, those parents will be eager to deny it and can't put themselves in their children's shoes. Children's efforts to communicate with their parents and change their parents will end in failure, so expectations will turn into disappointment and even resentment.

So what should we do as children when parents pour out negative emotions? First of all, in the face of parents' negative emotional rubbish, we often feel disgusted and bored, and even complain about why we have such parents and why we were born in such a family. In fact, we should understand that behind those negative emotions, parents are calling for love. Parents complain to you because they can't find a suitable way to deal with stress or complicated interpersonal relationships. They can only do this. Maybe when his parents were young, they didn't teach him how to better face various problems in interpersonal relationships, how to release emotions, and no one told him how to tolerate or respect others. Therefore, they are busy proving that they deserve to be loved, and nagging is to make others pay attention to their efforts. The reason why they are grumpy may be because they want to control everything but can't, so their illness is also because there are too many grievances in their hearts that can't be released. For many years, they love but can't complain, so this fills their hearts with negative energy, thus forming the habit of finding fault only, so the harm to children is one of them. Remember, happy people don't hurt others. Parents love to blame and complain because there is a deep black hole in their own hearts, that is, the desire and call for love. Therefore, if children can understand this first, we will be more understanding and tolerant of our parents.

Secondly, compared with the harm of negative emotions to us, what scares us more is that we will unconsciously imitate our parents, as if we were caught in a reincarnation. Many girls will find that they are very similar to their mothers, especially when they are in a negative emotional state, and they will be very scared and want to get rid of them. In fact, most of us never realize how much we look like our parents. If we can't fully accept our parents, then we can't accept ourselves, let alone change ourselves. Teach you an interesting exercise. First, take out paper and pen and write down your parents' three best qualities and three most prominent shortcomings. Then, turn the paper over and write down your three strengths and three weaknesses. Most people will be surprised to find that their parents' advantages are almost all inherited by themselves, but their shortcomings can also be found in themselves. Therefore, we are more like parents than we thought. Half of our own body energy comes from our mother and half from our father, so parents are our roots, because we come from our parents, and children are loyal to their parents in the same way as their parents. So the more you hate a person, the more you tend to be like a person. Anyone who rejects his parents is rejecting half of himself. There is a saying in the field of body and mind: whatever you resist will be strengthened. In other words, no matter what you refuse your parents, it gives you a good opportunity to let them develop in you. Because you take those qualities very seriously, you give them too much attention and energy, and people who don't want to be like their parents often become irresistible in the end. Therefore, we need to reconcile with our parents and the negative emotions that parents used to be very exclusive.

Try to say to yourself: I accept my father's stern appearance, and I accept my mother's violent appearance. I love him/her too, but I can choose to be different from him/her. In this way, we can begin to accept the fact that we are unconsciously similar to our parents, and then we may consciously choose which to inherit and which to abandon. This is a good way to explore the separation between the true self and the parental model. When we don't resist the so-called negative emotions of our parents and give them no attention and energy, then the influence of those negative emotions on us will be weakened, so that we won't fall into the strange circle of copying our parents' emotions. Perceive and see the same side of your parents as yourself, and then allow yourself to be different from your parents.

Moreover, don't think about changing your parents, learn to be a strong person inside. Many people's feelings for their parents will undergo such changes. When they were young, they obeyed their parents. Enter adolescence and begin to rebel; As I grew up, I only saw my parents' dissatisfaction and anger, and felt that my parents owed me or tried to change my parents. Many people want to change their parents behind a potential dependence. It is because of my parents' devotion to me that I have become what I am today. They, not me, should be responsible. Because of them, I am so bad today. If I can change them, everything will be fine, but the fact is that trying to change my parents is always ineffective. Because it is much harder to change others than to change yourself, let alone parents who have been cured for many years. As an adult, when we clearly complain about the lack of love in our parents' hearts, but we realize that it is actually difficult to change by accusing our parents, we should not only complain and resent our parents, but begin to learn to be responsible for ourselves, our emotions and be a strong person.

However, it is not easy to gain inner strength. Many people are not determined and are easily influenced by their parents' negative emotions. Two small methods are recommended: 1. Put a mat or a chair in front of yourself, face the mat or chair, and start to repeat this conversation: I am Xiao X, you are my mother, I am a God-blessed child, and you are also a God-blessed child. I take full responsibility for my life, and you take full responsibility for your life. In this exercise, you can close your eyes and keep imagining yourself repeating these words to your parents. This will help you separate negative emotions from your parents. You can even imagine that some emotions in your body are slowly flying away from your parents, and return the emotions that originally belonged to them and should be borne by yourself to your parents, and complete this part in your own way. This exercise only needs you to find a quiet place, sit in a chair, put a chair or cushion opposite, then close your eyes and say the words above. Then imagine that many parents' emotions are slowly pulled out of your body, and then slowly these emotions return to your parents in a special way to do this returning work, and use your subconscious to support your own practice. When you finish, you will feel much better physically and emotionally.

2. Praise yourself every day, identify with yourself, I identify with myself, I praise myself, and listen to some meditation words every day to increase my inner strength, thus stabilizing my whole emotional state.

Next, how to resolve the negative emotions that parents give us in real life? First of all, you, who are strong inside, should gently and firmly refuse your parents' complaints and won't feel guilty about it. Similarly, don't say anything when persuading such a child. Your parents love you, and it's not easy to raise you. If you want to be filial, just bear it! China people have always raised the concept of filial piety infinitely, but sometimes this will lead to ignorance and moral kidnapping, but people should first respect their own hearts and face the pollution of negative emotions, even if they are given by their parents, we can say no or refuse. Only in this way can we establish our own physical boundaries and boundaries, and every adult should be responsible for his own emotions. You have no obligation to be responsible for your parents' emotions, so when you listen to your parents' emotional rubbish, if you feel tired, uneasy or depressed, then you must start to be responsible for your own fatigue, depression and irritability. You can express these feelings and say them. For example, you can say to your parents: Mom and Dad, let's change the topic. I don't want to talk about it. This topic makes me feel bored, uncomfortable and depressed. Even if you don't say it, you can express it to your parents in your heart. This is your emotional garbage, I don't accept it. Then, imagine your body as a golden bell jar, protect yourself, especially your ears, and let your parents' words pass through your left ear. This is also a way to draw a clear line.

Secondly, people with strong hearts can listen to their parents' complaints patiently, but they can also gently point out their prejudices about things. If parents ignore your feelings, they will blame you: I worked hard to raise you, why not? What should I do at this time? Solve emotions first, then solve problems. When a person is in a strong emotional feeling, he can't hear any reason. Only when his emotions are released first can he make room to accept new things. Do a multiple-choice question. When my mother complains endlessly about those flattering colleagues in the office, there are three responses. Which is the best? Mom, don't just complain about Comrade Ma Lao. Actually, I don't think what you did was right. You are too sincere to show yourself. You only work and don't take credit! The leader doesn't know what you did, of course, the credit was taken away by others in the end! This kind of response, although considering putting yourself in the mother's shoes, denies her emotions, so it will trigger her more emotional reactions. ) b, mom, look at my father's hair, it's long enough to cover his ears. Should you persuade him to get a haircut? This kind of response uses the method of changing the subject, but it also ignores the mother's emotions and can't make her feel your concern for her, so this blunt change of subject will inevitably end in failure. ) c, yes, this flatterer did something wrong, didn't work by himself, and pushed all the tasks to you, and then it was a performance in front of the leader, which became his credit. Oh, mom, you are not easy! By the way, mom, do you think my father should get a haircut? Tell me about him, too (This is a good response. First of all, affirm your mother's mood, let her know that you support her, release her mood, and give her room to accept new things. )

Finally, parents can be guided to solve problems. The key sentence is: Mom, what do you want to be different next time? Or: Mom, what do you want to be different next time? What can you do to avoid this situation? When parents fall into negative emotions, you can also guide them to shift their attention from venting their emotions to solving problems. Option c is to divert their mother's attention from solving problems and bring out the vortex of emotions. When mom complains endlessly, guide her patiently, gently and calmly: What do you hope will be different next time, what will make you feel better and what do you want? In short, it is to draw her attention back to herself, let her pay attention to what her needs are, and let her think about what she should do to meet her needs. In other words, let her be responsible for her emotions.

Summary: What should we do in the face of parents' negative emotions? As children, our hearts are very loyal to our parents, so if our parents are unhappy, we will feel that our happiness is unqualified, wrong and guilty. But each of us can only be responsible for our own life, and the negative emotions of our parents are also lessons they need to face. Now, when we grow up, our views on our parents will change. In addition to seeing the shadow part of their incompetence, we can also see their positive side. All you have to do is try to make their shadows and dark parts stop hurting you. And when we tolerate and accompany them with love, they will make corresponding changes.