Selected humorous jokes

1, a person always farts in the office, and colleagues can't help but say: Can you keep quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling and asked, why? Answer: I set it to vibrate!

2. A migrant worker went to the hospital for examination because of a blocked stool. After examination, the doctor gave the man a prescription. Migrant workers went to the medicine collection office and saw that it was a roll of toilet paper. He's confused. The doctor said: don't wipe your ass with a cement bag in the future!

3. When someone sees the sea for the first time, they sigh: "The sea! Mom! " As soon as his voice fell, a wave came and hit him in the face. The man said angrily, "NND! What a stepmother!

The monkey picked up a card and climbed to the branch to see what it was. Unexpectedly, a lightning strike hit it, and the monkey cried and said, "It turned out to be an ‘IP' card."

5. The director and the section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't put it there. Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: you can't afford to take care of big things. What's the use of asking you

In a fashion shop, I saw an impatient young man say to a beautiful girl, "Would you mind talking to me?" The girl asked curiously, "Why?" "My wife has been in this store for more than an hour, but if she sees me talking to you, she will come out at once ..." Before he finished, his wife quickly walked out of the boutique and carried him away.

7. A gentleman urinated in an empty Sprite bottle while driving, and rushed out of the car in a traffic jam. He tried to put the bottle in the trash can and was stopped by a respectful policeman. Take a sip of the sprite left in the bottle and show it to me!

8. If you miss your feelings, you will think: there is no salt in cooking; Apples should not be too sweet; Smoke less; Forgot to bring money when shopping. I will miss you when I have time, and I will miss you when I have no time. If I really can't spare the time, I will-do nothing but miss you!

9. My son sleeps with his mother every night.

Mom said: When you grow up, marry a daughter-in-law to sleep with your mother?

A: Hmm!

Mom said, what about your wife?

The son said, let her sleep with her father.

Dad said excitedly after listening: this child has been sensible since childhood!

10, the cannibal father and son hunted, the son caught a thin man, and the father said, let go, there is no meat! His son also caught a fat man, and his father said, let go, it's too tired! His son captured another beautiful woman, and his father said, take it home and eat your mother at night!

1 1. A police dog saw an ordinary dog coming on the road and rushed over to ask it: I am a police dog. What are you? The ordinary dog took a disdainful look and said, idiot, look clearly, I am plain clothes! .

12. Colleagues go to dinner together. One of them came late: waiter, did you see where our colleague went? Oh, they are on the second floor. "What floor is the second floor?" "On the second floor. ....

13, if I leave in autumn, I will wait for you in the snow; If the world goes, I will love you in heaven; If I leave, I will let her take care of you. Really, her pig-raising skills are not bad!

14, your rude feelings flashed by, making me suddenly lose myself and immerse myself in an unforgettable moment in my life. I can't let you go. I shouted: Stop thief!

15. In the history class, when the teacher reviewed The Rule of Zhenguan, the process asked, "Water can carry a boat, but it can also overturn it?" A student signed back loudly: "You can also cook porridge". The audience laughed their heads off.

16, "driving a Mercedes-Benz and riding a fine horse is really chic; Traveling around the world with beautiful couples, Wan Li is picturesque! Tell stories in a famous car, and return to China with clothes and clothes; Parents are happy, and friends boast that they have Mercedes-Benz! "

17, million hours, reach out and ask the sky. I don't know if my salary can go up. Is my dream far away? I want to get rich by speculating in stocks, but I'm afraid I'll lose all my money. Things are so difficult.

18, "ACTS: Master, I want to hear your story. Teacher: In retrospect, I punched Nanshan Nursing Home and kicked Beihai Kindergarten. I put it under one meter and stamped my feet in the morgue. Nobody dares to gasp! To you who failed in college: this is a professional course, which contains high credits and good quality. One subject is the best in the past five subjects, and it is easy to fail in one breath. It is better to fail professional subjects! "

19, my husband is reading the evening paper. After reading an article entitled "Women live longer than men", he asked his wife, "I really don't know why men leave first?" The wife said, "Someone has to stay and collect the clothes!" "

20. A turtle walked through a pile of excrement, leaving only three footprints on it. Why? Because it held its nose with one hand! ! !

2 1, friend, are you okay? Every time I turn on my cell phone and see your name, I'm trying to resist the strong impulse to contact you immediately, but ...... alas! Throwing caution to the wind anyway, isn't it 1 cent? We are not stingy people!

22. Myopia squatted next to a pile of cow dung and asked with his nose that it seemed to be cow dung. Try it with your hand and say it should be cow dung. Taste it with his mouth. Seriously, it's cow dung. So myopia jumped up happily, but fortunately he didn't step on it.

23. "A group of matches huddled together to keep warm. When the firecrackers saw it, they pushed over and said, hey, brother, I ... I heard a bang before I finished. The match said, brother, don't dig out your heart to keep warm. "

24. "A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by. A policeman came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know, I just arrived! "

25. One night, the husband was awakened by his wife's dream talk. He asked the reason, and his wife replied, "Dear, I dreamed of a prince charming, and slowly approached me!" " Husband: Wife, sometimes the Tang Priest also rides a white horse and drags a BMW tractor. After the police found out, they reported that the speed of the two cars had exceeded 180 km. The best one is a tractor, which has been following Mercedes-Benz, turning on the turn signal and asking for overtaking.

26. Mother Hedgehog complains that my child's clothes often leak. Mother centipede sighed. I bought two specialty stores, but I haven't bought half the children's shoes yet.

27. I was born useful, but I can't understand it! One day, Wang Di woke up from a dream, got up at eight o'clock tomorrow morning, and understood after eating the cake (reading the third word of every sentence is a surprise). Baby, you have the face of an angel, the figure of a devil, and even the posture of farting is so beautiful. But in public, can you control the rhythm?

28. Lao Wang likes watching boxing very much. Every time he sees someone hitting his opponent in the mouth, he cheers loudly. He looked at it alone and asked, are you a boxing coach? Oh, no, I am a dentist.

29. "Dad, what will happen if you put mp4 in the water?" "That's broken." "Dad, you are so smart. I didn't know until I did the experiment. How do you know? "

30. A person travels abroad. He asked for a taxi full of luggage. The driver told him that he wanted 7 yuan and his luggage was free. He said quickly, please take my baggage to the railway station.

3 1. Four people were playing mahjong. When the police came, they took five people away. Do you know why? ............................................ (because one of them is called Mahjong)

32. Why do you smoke? A: Aunt Yu married a daughter yesterday! Cha Yue: What does my aunt have to do with my smoking? Answer: If so, what does my smoking have to do with you?

33. The computer is broken

The computer system in the office often breaks down, so Cathy has accumulated a lot of work.

One day, when she was driving home after working overtime, a policeman stopped her and said that she was driving too fast.

"I'm really unlucky this day." Cathy, full of resentment, cried and said, "The company's computers are good for a while, bad for a while, good and bad, and bad and good." I have to catch up after work, and now I meet this. "The police ignored her complaint and immediately issued a ticket. After a long time, he came back with her driver's license and license plate and said with a wry smile, "Our computer is broken. ".

34. TV nerd

Ferguson likes watching TV very much, and his classmates look for him in their spare time. Nine times out of ten, they saw him sitting in front of the TV, so everyone called him a "TV nerd".

No, the literature teacher announced in class that day: "I suggest you watch the eclipse tonight." Gehlsen immediately asked, "What channel?"

35. TV addicts

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot is ill. Don't eat or drink. I took him to the vet, but he was diagnosed with nothing wrong. The vet asked Uncle Martin if there was any serious accident at home that upset the parrot. Martin said that the only thing that happened was that the TV set was repaired.

"Get it back quickly," said the vet.

Sure enough, as soon as the TV set was brought back, the parrot's appetite recovered.

36, the rules of the store

Manager: Remember, the rule of this store is that the customer is always right. Tell me, what did that gentleman say just now?

Shop assistant: He only said one thing-your manager is a big idiot.

37. fishing; catch fish

Patrol: Fishing is prohibited here, and it will be fined 20. Fisherman: I'm not fishing, I'm teaching earthworms to swim.

Policeman: Really? Let me see.

Fisherman: Look.

Patrol: * * swimming, fined 50.

38.change it

The future father-in-law said to Pierre, "I agree to marry my daughter to you, and I will deposit the dowry of 60 thousand marks in the bank for you."

Pierre said sadly, "You'd better give me 60 thousand marks and deposit your daughter in the bank."

39. Fold the quilt

Instructor: Kameda, why is your quilt always worse than Yamamoto's?

Kameda: Sir, Yamamoto made tofu before joining the army, and I made steamed bread with flower rolls before joining the army.

40. matador

A matador was drinking in the country, but his friend advised him not to drink too much. But he was so bluffing that he couldn't control himself until he staggered, and then he took a shortcut to the stadium. There is already a bull lying on the ground. The matador immediately put down his horn and fought fiercely with it, and finally the bull escaped. Afterwards, the matador and his friends said, "I really drank too much just now, or I would have to drag the boy off the bike!" " ! "

4 1, reading books to cure diseases

A: "Where have you been all these years?"

B: "to the medical university."

A: "Then your illness must be cured."

42、**

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before gambling, they said to John, "Go and see if there are any policemen outside the door."

After walking for ten minutes, John came in panting and said, "There is no policeman outside the door. I'll call one at the station!" " "

43.objectives

I came to you to propose to your daughter. Said the young suitor.

Have you talked to my wife? Father asked.

Yes, but I prefer to marry your daughter.

44. Repetitive invention

A swimmer swam across the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him. A Jew came up and asked inexplicably, "Don't you know there are ships sailing here?"

Finishing: zhl20 16 12