Just kidding.

Babies who are sleeping in their infancy are sometimes surprisingly quiet, so I quickly use my hands to find out if there are still shouts.

Terrible, sir, so I'm "neurotic" When I sleep at night, my husband snores so loudly that I can't get in.

Go to sleep, even angry people! Have to give him some color to see see. "alas!" I just heard him say with a smile, "What's wrong with snoring?"

Okay？ Let you know I'm alive! "

An emotionless machine

Within two years, a young man wrote more than 700 love letters to his beloved girlfriend in a row, which made great achievements for his daughter.

Friends finally announced that they were getting married, and the groom was the postman who delivered these letters to her.

As a coincidence.

Father sits on the sofa and reads the newspaper after supper every day. Four-year-old Xiaoling was puzzled and asked, "Dad,

It's strange, why does the news that happens every day fill a newspaper? "

honey peach

One day, five-year-old Xiaohui looked at her aunt's face and said, "Aunt, your face is like a peach!" " "

Aunt happily hugged her relatives around and asked, "What's it like?" Little nephew's daughter came back naively.

A: "There are fine hairs on it."

Jinmao decoction

My mother was disinfecting the kitchen with a hot towel when she ran over and pointed to the steaming pot.

Ask: "Mom, what's in it?" "It's a towel." Hesitated for a moment and said:

"I didn't even know that towels could make soup!"

Help dad, dad.

A little girl cried the first time she heard her father's voice on the phone. Her mother asked.

"What is it, son?" "Mom," the girl said, pointing to the receiver, "how can we put

Dad saved it from such a small hole? "

How can you not cry?

An elephant died in the zoo, and the keeper cried beside him! Tourists say that he usually.

I must like this elephant very much, so I can't bear to die. An insider said, "No, play by the rules."

Yes, he will be responsible for digging a grave for the elephant "

Xiang Xiang

"This child looks exactly like me!" Big brother proudly said to his friend. "Don't be sad," Peng.

The friend comforted, "It doesn't matter if the child is ugly, as long as it is healthy and lively."

Special for dried salted duck

The upstart invited many friends to visit his three swimming pools. Everyone was puzzled by the big ash and asked him for it.

What needs three? He said: "The first one is the same as the general swimming pool, with cold water and the same purpose."

Roughly the same. The second one is filled with hot water and used in cold weather. The third one is not filled with water. ""that?

What kind of swimming pool is there without water? ""I have some friends who are landlubbers. They should not use cold water or hot water.

Swimming pool, so this is specially built for them. "

Weishiyao

There is a German who loves China culture. His name is Wittmer. One day, he met an old man and they became cold.

Old man: "What's your name?" "My surname is Wei." "Wei what?" "Why? Do you want a Wei?

Why? "

The eighty-third session

The newsboy shouted the newspaper in the square: "amazing fraud case, the number of people cheated has reached 82."

....。 "A man hurried over and bought a newspaper, but he didn't seem to find that one.

News of the "big case" At this time, the newsboy was shouting: "selling newspapers, selling newspapers, amazing fraud!" "

In the Hugue case, the number of deceived people has reached 83! "

Don't be useful

Female patient: Doctor, you told me to stick out my tongue. Why don't you look at it? Doctor: I don't want it.

Look at your tongue. I told you to stick it out. I just want you to keep quiet while I write the prescription.

I made a mistake in my busy life

In order to attend the banquet, the chairman jumped into a taxi at the gate of the company in a hurry and loudly said:

"I'm in a hurry, drive faster! There are only twenty minutes left! " Then he opened the evening paper.

Look at that. After watching it for more than ten minutes, he looked up and saw that the car was still in front of the company. He was overjoyed.

In order to get angry, I was about to get angry with the driver, only to find that there was no driver in the car.

Paste and teach

"Professor, I heard that your wife gave birth to twins. Is it a man or a woman? " "Let me think about it.

It seems that one is a woman and the other is a man. But it seems just the opposite. "

Are you lucky?

Tenant: Those people upstairs are really puzzling. At two o'clock in the middle of the night, they banged down the stairs.

Ladder, knocking on my door crazily. Landlord: Really? Did they wake you? Tenant:

Fortunately, I didn't. I am practicing playing the trumpet.

Amazing technology.

Wife: My driving skills are too good! Husband: You've only studied for a few days and achieved such results?

Wife: When I drive, passers-by will run away!

Why didn't you say so earlier?

Master thief complained to his apprentice and said, "You are such an idiot! It took us all night to open it.

All the safes, but they are empty. You didn't tell me until now-this is an insurance manufacturer.

Safe factory! "

lift

Teddy boy is wide and fat because of his gluttony. Every time I get on and off the elevator, as long as others see him, I will

Wait for the next one. Once he complained to everyone: "Why did you hurt me like this? Take the electricity away.

What happened to the ladder? It's just that it's slower when it comes up and faster when it goes down. "

It's too early to be happy

When a young man wants to enlist in the army, an ophthalmologist in a military hospital will check his eyesight, and the young man will be checked.

Chabian confessed that he was nearsighted. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right, it is near."

Visual eye. "The young man is very happy to hear this sentence." Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service.

Is it? "The doctor shook his head and said," No ... I wrote that I can take part in hand-to-hand combat. "

Legs and eggs

A pig and a hen are talking about charity on the farm. The pig said, "I really want to have a way to help it."

Some poor people without food. "The chicken said," Let's cooperate and make a turkey leg egg for them.

Eat it. The pig shook his head and said, "That's easy for you to say. You just contributed a by-product, I don't want it.

See a leg. "

Car chaser

Behind a bus full of passengers, a short man is running hard, but the steam

The car is still driving at a high speed on the downhill slope. "Stop," a passenger's head stuck out of the window and rushed over.

The little man shouted, "You can't catch it!" "No, I have to catch up." The little man gasped.

Hey, "I'm the driver!"

Be prepared without fear

8 1 year-old father went to Canada from Hong Kong to see his son. Although he is old, he is full of energy.

Go for a walk every day. Because he can't speak English or ask for directions, his son is worried that he will get lost.

Way. One afternoon, he took a long walk. When he got home, his son greeted him and asked him if he had any numbness.

Angry. The old man smiled and said, "Don't worry, I came prepared. I copied down the street name." say

Then he took out a piece of paper from his trouser pocket and proudly showed it to his son. It initially said, "Noehi.

T (this road is closed). "

An unlucky patient

There was a dentist who was very nervous when he pulled out his tooth for the first time. He just pulled out his molars. number

The material shook, and the tooth fell into the patient's throat without being clamped. "I'm very sorry." doctor

The doctor said, "Your illness is no longer within my responsibility. You should see a laryngologist. " . When this disease

A man found a laryngologist and his teeth fell deeper. The laryngologist examined him. "No.

"I'm always sorry," said the doctor. "Your illness is no longer my responsibility. You should see a gastrologist.

Go home. After giving the patient an X-ray examination, the gastroenterologist said, "I'm very sorry, my tooth fell into your intestine."

You should see an enterologist. Intestinal diseases experts also had an X-ray examination and said, "No."

Sorry, the teeth are no longer in the intestine. It must have fallen deeper. You should look for anus.

Subject experts. "Finally, the patient was lying on the examination table of the anal doctor, posing as a butt.

Posture, the doctor examined it with an endoscope, and then exclaimed in surprise, "Oh, my God! Yours is here

There is a tooth in my room, so I should go to the dentist. "

In a few minutes

"Why do you always play all day?" "I just sleep at night and have no time to play!"

Speak quickly and keep your heart straight.

Our 5-year-old son is addicted to motorcycles. When he saw it, he couldn't help shouting, "Look! future

I must have one! My answer is always: "Not as long as I live." One day, my son

The child was talking to a child when a motorcycle passed by me. He pointed and shouted excitedly, "Look!

Look! I want to buy one-as long as my father dies! "

Canku life

Two people are eating in a restaurant with a cup of hot mustard on the table. One of them thinks mustard is sweet.

I put a spoonful into my mouth and immediately burst into tears. However, he kept his mouth shut and said nothing.

Words. His friend was puzzled: "What?" "I thought of my father, just 20 years ago.

Today, he hanged himself. "His friend comforted him and put a spoonful of mustard in his mouth.

In the room, all of a sudden, tears flowed. The first pretended to ask, "Why are you crying?" "I was thinking about you.

Why didn't you hang yourself when your father hanged himself? "The second replied.

Learn from mother hen.

Mom: "Xiao Ming, why don't you give candy to your little sister?" Look, the old hen found the bug, Tong.

Give it to the chicken, you should learn from the hen! "Xiao Ming:" OK. If I find a bug, it doesn't matter.

For my little sister. "

A clever way to avoid snakes

Father: "A Guang, what should I do if I meet a cobra?" A-guang: "Break its glass first."

Run away again. "

Professional color

The repairman was called to the doctor's house to repair the TV set, and found that his TV set had been used for ten years and was worn out.

Unbearable, the doctor said in a humorous tone, "Please write a prescription." The repairman stared at the TV in silence.

After watching it silently for a while, he replied, "I think I can only write the autopsy report."

Never been abroad

Doctor: "Your child has rubella." Mother: "How is that possible? He has never been abroad.

Ah! "

A cold customer

Lao Wang sat in the restaurant for a long time and saw other guests eating with relish. It's just that he still has no waiter to recruit.

Whew, he got up and asked the boss, "Excuse me, am I sitting in the audience?"

advertising expense

A lady came to the advertising department of a newspaper and asked for an obituary. She said that her husband had just died. "Do you want to go aboard?

What kind of obituary? "Asked the advertiser, whatever. "The woman replied with red eyes." Then.

Let's publish it in the fifth edition. The advertiser suggested, "We charge by the inch, 5 yuan per inch."

"God, isn't that going to cost a lot of money?" The woman said in surprise, "My husband is 6 feet."

5 inches long! "

A hospitable horse

How did you ride yesterday? -Not too bad. The problem is that my horse is popular. -

You're welcome? -Yeah. When I rode to the fence, it let me pass first!

Image metaphor

My two daughters often make fun of their grandfather as an antique, but he tries to deny it. One day, grandpa

My grandfather told them an experience of riding a horse in the mountains. He said: "The guide thinks that the horse's character should be adapted to riding."

The centaurs are consistent, and we match them carefully. ""What kind of horse are you riding? "A.

A daughter interjected. Grandpa reluctantly replied, "gave me a mule."

Make a hope

The young man asked an old man, "You are getting old. Did you realize all your wishes when you were young? " Old man:

"When I was young, my father always pulled my hair when he scolded me. At that time, I thought, without hair,

All right. ""Today, this wish has come true. "

You don't have to get it.

"Fire! Fire fighting! " There was an urgent and panic cry for help on the phone. "Where is it?" fire fighting

The answering machine in the emergency department of the team asked. "At my house." "I mean, where is the fire?"

"In the kitchen!" "I know, but how can we get to your house? ! ""oh! Do you know that?/You know what?

Don't the children have a fire truck? ! "

Prevention is not superior to prevention.

You don't look well. Yes, my wife won't let me sleep at night at all. Light exercise

Quiet, she cried, thinking it was a thief. -Little thieves don't make a sound when they steal things. -

That's what I told her, but it's worse. -What's wrong? From then on, she listened to it at night.

Wake me up if there is no sound.

assemble

Four-year-old Bao Xiao was confused when her mother was pregnant. He wants to know who his future brother or sister is.

How it was born. Dad patiently described to Bao Xiao: "Sir, rebirth is the most important thing."

Two legs in the back, got it? ""I see, dad. Then you put them together with screws,

Yes! "

Brave fire brigade

When the oil well caught fire, the company manager called the fire brigade, but the fire was too big for the firemen to rely on.

Close, can only move to 2000 feet away. An amateur fire brigade invited by the company administrator also arrived at this time.

The fire engine chug chug came, driving only fifty feet away from the fire.

In the morning, the firemen quickly grabbed the water gun to put out the fire, and the fire was quickly put out. the next day

The manager gave the amateur fire brigade a bonus of 2000 yuan. Someone asked the team leader, how to settle the two thousand dollars?

Row? Without thinking, the captain replied, "The first thing to do is to repair the brakes of the fire truck. The real him

Damn it, it almost sent us to the fire yesterday! "

Spiritual confrontation resistance

You see, the bus driver stared at me yesterday as if I didn't buy a ticket. -Then how do you know?

Do it. It's simple. I stared at him as if I had bought a ticket.

A clever plan

Mr. Lu built a house, and there were many broken bricks to be transported away. The workers said they wanted two trucks. Mr Lu told the workers

Say, "No freight! Dig a hole in the clearing and bury it. " Worker: "So,

Where should we put the excavated mud? ""You are so stupid. Dig the hole deeper and bury it together.

All right. "

Pale and tasteful

The day before my father's birthday, I went to order a big cake. Because my father can't eat anything too sweet, so let me order it.

So I told my boss not to put too much sugar, just make it light. The boss conveniently wrote on the paper: "Dad!"

Birthdays are a little lighter. "The next day, I went to get the cake. Open it, it's really ironic.

It turned out that the words on the cake were: "Happy birthday to dad, with some respect."

Cutting hoofs and tails

One day, Mr. Shen wrote to his friend Mr. Xiong. In a flash, I forgot the word "bear" at four o'clock.

Write it as "Mr. Neng." Mr. Xiong looked at it; Angry and annoyed, he picked up a pen and wrote a reply.

Deliberately mistyped Mr. Shen as "Mr. You" and said, "You cut off my hooves, so did I."

Cut off your tail.

The future is bright.

-I can be regarded as a young man who started at the grassroots level and climbed to the top.

It's amazing. What do you do?

I used to shine shoes, but now I'm a barber.

Takasugi Shinsuke

From now on, my social status will be higher than before.

-Did you get a promotion?

No, you see, I have three gold teeth.

Wet?Paint?

The painter hired a van to transport some of his exquisite oil paintings to the exhibition site. He especially reminded the driver:

"Be careful! The paint on the painting is not dry yet. " The driver said, "Never mind, I'm wearing old clothes."

Take it. "

You can tell at a glance.

A widow wants to enlarge the photo of her dead husband. She walked into the photo studio and said to her boss, "I"

I want to enlarge this photo, but when you enlarge it, I hope you can take a picture of the one he is wearing.

"Yes, madam," said the owner of the photo studio, "but please tell me, he

Where does your hair part? "I don't quite remember this," replied the widow, "but

Anyway, you will know when you take off his hat. "

"anti-theft"

An old lady said, "I used to hide gold under the mattress, and people told me about that place."

The most unsafe. Now I put them in the box. ""Aren't you afraid to forget which box you put it in?

On the baby? "A neighbor asked her." No, "she replied," I put a word under the mattress.

The gold is put in a black leather box. "

Xihan

The Bao couple who are eager for their son are very happy to have our son. They tried their best to make a name for their son.

Word, finally decided to call him "rare". Han Xi had a happy childhood, but he hated the name.

Later, I grew up, got married and had children, and my career was very successful. I still hated his name, and finally I got old.

When he was dying, he begged his wife: "Please don't engrave the word' rare' on the tombstone.

Just call me Bao. "After his death, his wife didn't engrave his name on the tablet according to his wishes.

In fact, it seems too simple to photoetch the word "Bao". She wants people to know how good he is.

The husband carved two small lines under the word "Bao": he has never seen anything else since he got married.

A glimpse of a woman. Now, no matter who passes by his grave, he will say, "It's rare!" "