Sort out humorous jokes

A beautiful woman got out of the taxi and left her camera in the back seat. When the driver saw this, he quickly put his head out of the window and shouted at the beautiful woman, "Miss, your camera ~"

As soon as the beauty blushed, she turned her head and scolded, "You are like a fucking duck!" "

Then the taxi left. Then the beauty chased and shouted, "Master, my camera, my camera ..."

Xiao Qiang went to the Bird Market and found a parrot with a price tag of 3 yuan money. So he asked the seller, "Why is your parrot so cheap?"

The seller said, "My parrot is so stupid! I have been teaching for a long time. Up to now, I can only say one thing-'Who is it?' "

Xiao Qiang thought it was cheap anyway, so he bought it.

When he got home at night, he thought, I don't believe in religion and I don't want you! So I taught him to say something else all night.

But in the morning, the parrot still just said, "Who is it?" Xiao Qiang was so angry that he locked the door and went to work. After a while, Xiao Zhang, who copied the electricity meter, knocked at the door. I only heard the house ask, "Who is it?"

Xiao Zhang replied: "Meter reader."

It will still ask, "Who is it?"

Xiao Zhang: "Copy the electricity meter."

Ask again: "Who is it?"

Xiao Zhang: "Copy the electricity meter."

……

In the evening, Xiao Qiang came back. I saw a man lying on the ground in front of my house, foaming at the mouth. Xiao Qiang was startled and said, "Yo! Who is this? "

I heard the parrot in the room say, "read the meter."

……

Primary school freshmen report for duty and the whole class introduces themselves.

A boy stepped onto the platform: "My name is You Yongzhi, and I'm from Beijing. I love playing chess! " "

Next, it's time for girls to introduce themselves. The girl walked shyly to the podium, looking uneasy!

The girl introduced herself: "I, my name is Xia Kuyaku! Me, I like swimming. "

One of my buddies went to the classroom for self-study on a whim and found mm sitting next to him. When it was almost time for lunch, he turned to MM and said, "Classmate, can you lend me five dollars? I left my wallet in the dormitory. Look, this is my student ID card. I can press here first. I want to eat noodles at noon. " Mm thought for a moment and said, "All right". While saving money, my buddy said, "You lend me 10 yuan, and I'll treat you to a bowl?"

Dad: Find you a wife.

Son: Find it yourself!

Dad: This girl is the daughter of Bill Gates!

Son: Like this? All right!

Dad looking for Bill Gates: I found a husband for your daughter.

Bill Gates: No, the daughter is still young!

Dad: This man is the vice president of the World Bank!

Bill Gates: So? All right!

Dad asked the president of the World Bank: I recommend a vice president for you!

President: I have a vice president!

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates!

President: OK, OK!

The son said to his mother, "I stepped on an aunt's foot on the bus."

Mother asked, "Did you apologize to your aunt?"

Son: "I said sorry, my aunt gave me a piece of candy!" " "

Mother boasted, "What a good girl. Did you thank your aunt?"

The son said, "No, and then I stepped on my aunt!" " "

My girlfriend works in a bank and is very busy at the end of the year.

The man was distressed by his girlfriend, so he sent a blessing message to his girlfriend.

The text message reads: "Dear, good luck, count your money and your hand will cramp!" " "

After a while, my girlfriend replied, "Shut your crow mouth. The money counter is broken. I am counting money! " "

It is said that there are three obvious signs before the earthquake: 1. Well water is abnormal; 2. Abnormal reaction of livestock; 3. Experts come out to refute rumors. But careful people point out that article 2 and article 3 are repetitive.

I drove out to eat with my colleagues, and there was no parking space where I ate, so I had to park on the side of the road. Ask your friends if they will get a ticket. Without saying anything, he took out a ticket from the box and posted it on the window. After dinner, I came back safely ...

The man complained to the boss, "Xiao Zhang and Xiao Wang are really wasting their time."

The boss asked, "What's the matter?"

The man said, "They played mahjong all night and didn't leave until dawn!" " "

The boss asked again, "How do you know?"

The man explained, "I watched it all night!" " "

A man is very stingy and has never found a girlfriend!

A friend asked him, "why haven't you found a girlfriend yet?" Is there nothing you like? "

The man replied, "Of course, I have a crush on her for a long time!" " "

The friend quickly asked, "Then why not confess quickly?" ? ! "

The man explained, "I'm not that stupid." Secret love is the most economical one in love! " "

A serious car accident happened in a country, and the injured were all senior officials!

After the car accident, the reporter asked the doctor eagerly: "Is the president saved?" The doctor shook his head.

The reporter asked the doctor again: "Is the vice president still saved?" The doctor also shook his head.

The reporter asked again: "Is the minister still saved?" The doctor shook his head again.

The reporter asked nervously, "Who else can save?"

At this time, the doctor's eyes lit up and said, "The country is saved!"

The census taker asked outside the door, "Beauty, how many people are there in your family?"

Beauty: "It's a person!"

Census taker: "Eleven bites?"

Beauty: "Not eleven bites, but one bite."

Census taker: "Twenty-one bites?"

Beauty: "Not twenty-one, actually a person."

Census taker: "Seventy-one bites? No? "

Beauty: "either seventy-one bites or one bite!" " "

Census taker: "9 1 bite?"

The beauty breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Yes, it's a person."

An old employee's hearing is getting worse and worse, and he is very afraid of being fired.

So he went up to the boss and said, "boss, my ears are not working well." I am afraid that you will fire me! " "

The boss comforted: "Don't worry, you can go to work with peace of mind, and I will transfer you to the complaint center."

Father and son take the bus.

Son: "Dad, when will you arrive?"

Father: "Stop it."

Son: "When will it stop?"

Father: "Stop when you arrive."

The beauty asked her boyfriend, "Why do the flowers you buy always wither?" ? ! "

My boyfriend explained, "honey, the flowers will always wither when I wait for you!" " "

The fool stole the beggar's wallet and was seen by the blind. The mute shouted loudly, which startled the deaf. Camels come forward and lame people fly. Asako said, "Look at my face." The madman said, "That is, everyone should be rational!" "

A woman works the night shift and a man follows her. In fear, the woman passed by the grave and had a brainwave. She said to the grave, "Dad, I'm back. Open the door. " The man was frightened and ran away screaming. The woman was relieved and was about to leave when suddenly a deep voice came from the grave: "Daughter, you forgot your key again!" " "The woman was frightened and ran away. Then a grave robber emerged from the grave and said, "Shit! Delaying my work will scare you to death. "

Watching movies in the cinema, halfway through, the cinema turned black!

Only one buddy shouted, "move the mouse!" ! "

My parents are not at home tonight, so I have to cook and stir-fry by myself. After pouring the oil into the pot, I heard the phone ringing in the bedroom, ran back to the bedroom with my mobile phone, and walked to the kitchen while talking on the phone. When I got to the kitchen, I saw the oil boiling and spilled everywhere. I threw my mobile phone in the pot when I got excited. .

Drink some wine to suppress the panic. A Xinjiang man collided with a Henan man's car. Xinjiang people came down to have a look and thought there was nothing wrong with the car, so they said forget it. Henan people also smiled and said no problem, so they took out a bottle of wine from the car. Henan people: "Big Brother, there is nothing wrong with the car. Let's drink some wine to suppress the shock! " "Xinjiang people took a long drink of wine and handed it to Henan people. Xinjiang people: "Brother, have some, too. "Henan people:" I'm in no hurry. I'll drink it after reading it. "

A man and a woman traveled by car and stopped at the side of the road to make out, but they were * *!

* * Q: "Is this your car?"

The man replied: "Unit."

* * asked again: "Is she your wife?"

The man replied: "It is also a unit."

* * exclaimed: "Grandma! What unit has such a good welfare? "

Two drunks are driving at full speed. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "

A mental patient screamed: I am the president, and you all have to listen to me!

The attending doctor asked him: Who said that?

Patient: God said.

A patient next to him jumped up at once: I never said that!

Two students with poor grades came together after the exam.

"Jack, how did you do in the exam?"

"Nothing, I handed in a blank sheet of paper. What about you, Siri? "

"Hey, me too!"

"How is that possible? People will say that we are cheating. "