Who can give me some funny text messages. The more, the better.

1. Yesterday I dreamed that God said he could grant me a wish. I took out a globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change to another one. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to become beautiful. He After thinking for a while, he said, "I'll take a look at the globe."

2. A girl is so ugly that she cannot marry and hopes to be trafficked. My dream finally came true, but I couldn’t sell it for half a month. The kidnappers sent her back, but she refused to get out of the car. The kidnappers gritted their teeth and stamped their feet: Let’s go, I don’t want the car.

3. Twenty years ago, your father held you while you waited for the car. People laughed at your child because he was ugly, and your father cried. . An old man selling bananas patted my father and said, "Brother, don't cry. Give the monkey a banana to eat! It's so pitiful. He's so hungry that he's even hairless."

4. On the plane, a man A parrot said to the stewardess: "Bring me a glass of water." The pig also imitated the parrot and said to the stewardess: "Bring me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw both the parrot and the pig off the plane. At this time, the parrot said to the pig: "You are stupid, I can fly."

5. An old farmer was hoeing in the field, and a crow flew over and dropped some shit on the old farmer's face. , the old farmer raised his head and yelled: "Damn it! You don't even know how to wear underpants when you go out!" The crow said: "Damn it! You're wearing underpants when you poop!"

6. It's said that a certain lady acted on a whim. , bought a female parrot. Unexpectedly, when I brought it home, the first thing it said was: "Do you want to go to bed with me?"

When the lady heard this, she thought to herself: That's bad, outsiders think I taught you this. , This does not completely ruin my ladylike image. So she tried her best to get the parrot to say something elegant, but the female parrot was determined and could only say one sentence: "Do you want to go to bed with me?"

… …what to do? When the lady lost her mind, she heard that the priest also kept a parrot (male), and not only did the parrot not use foul language, it was actually a devout Christian who spent most of the day praying. So the woman went to the priest for help. After the priest understood her purpose, he said with a slightly troubled expression: "This is difficult to do. In fact, the parrot didn't teach it anything deliberately. The reason why it is so pious may be that it has been nurtured here for a long time. "For some reason."

Seeing that the lady was disappointed, the priest said, "Well, you bring that parrot to me, and I hope that after some time, your parrot will be gone." The parrot can be influenced. This is all I can do. Whether it has any effect depends on God’s will..."

When the lady heard this, she could only do this. Isn’t there a saying: Jinzhu Are you naked? Give it a try. So she took the parrot to the priest. The priest kept the two parrots together as promised. The female parrot was a little reserved at first. Seeing the male parrot praying silently in a corner of the cage, she really couldn't bear to disturb him. But she still couldn't control herself, and finally said loudly: "Do you want to go to bed with me?"

Hearing this, the male parrot stopped praying, turned around and looked at the female parrot, and suddenly burst into tears. : "Thank God, the wish I have prayed for so many years has finally come true..."

7. Girls, don't say that.

A man said to a woman: "I'll treat you to dinner." ”

The woman said: “Let’s do it another day”

8. Piggy bank

A widow went to buy cucumbers and asked not to slice them, but to sell them. I forgot about the cucumber, but cut it into slices anyway. When the widow saw it, she cursed: "Do you think I'm a fucking piggy bank?"

9. Internship

A large group of people The girls went to the farm for internship. The farm taught everyone how to milk cows. After the demonstration, everyone was taught how to try it themselves. At this time, a girl saw that others had squeezed half of the tube and hers was only a little bit, and she was very puzzled. The farmer came over to take a look and said: Miss, not only did you crowd the wrong place, but you also chose the wrong cow.

10. A handsome guy wanted to buy condoms

A handsome guy wanted to buy condoms but didn’t know the size. The service lady had no choice but to check them and said to her colleagues: “Here comes a box of 5 Inches, no 7 inches... Oh my God, get the toilet paper. . . . . . . .

11. Caught his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love

Shadow Pig had just been dumped by his girlfriend. He happened to catch his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love on the street. The more he watched, the more angry he became, and he wanted to humiliate them. .

So he politely came forward to say hello, and said to his girlfriend Xinhuan with disdain: "You don't mind the second-hand goods I have used!" Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend laughed and said: "Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new!"

12. Missed a point

After class, the roll call will be called. If you don't show up, your final grade will be deducted by 50 points! When he thought of a brother, he jumped over for some reason, so he shouted: "Teacher, you missed something!"

The old teacher who was over sixty years old looked down and said: "No~ ”

13. One summer, a young man in slippers got on a bus. He sat down and crossed his legs. Sitting opposite him was a girl in a miniskirt (unknown). Wearing underwear), the car started! ! Sudden! A brake! The young man's feet were inserted into the girl's BB, ugh! That’s how it is! Two days later, the girl felt that her vagina was very uncomfortable, so she went to the hospital. When the doctor checked, she was surprised and said, "Wow, your vagina has athlete's foot. It's strange."

At this moment, The door was pushed open, and another doctor broke in and said, "What's weird about this? There was a young man with syphilis on his feet just now!!"

14. Before the masquerade party, the wife suddenly felt unwell, so she asked her husband to attend the party alone. Later, when the wife felt better, she put on a dress that her husband had never seen before and drove to the dance. As soon as they entered the house, the wife saw her husband flirting with other women. She couldn't help but feel jealous and decided to test her husband. She walked up to her husband, spoke coquettishly, and threw herself into his arms. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to have a romantic time. At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their masks, the wife quietly left. And her husband didn't come back until three in the morning.

"How was the dance?" asked the wife. "It's not fun at all," the husband replied. "What on earth did you do there?"

My wife asked again and again. "To tell you the truth," the husband said, "When I got there, I saw several friends without their wives, so we played cards in the study." "Have you been playing cards all night?" Mrs. screamed. "Yes, but I lent my costume and mask to another old friend. The guy boasted to me at the end of the dance that it was the best night of his life!

15 On the wedding night, the bride had taken off her clothes and went to bed.

The groom also took off his coat, shirt and tie, but he ran into trouble when it came to his shoes.

The shoelaces were untied. They couldn't open it, and the more they worked, the more they connected together. The bride was anxious and said, "How stupid, there is a knife there, just use the knife to cut it!" "

In order to know whether everything went as planned, the bride's mother eavesdropped in the next room. When she heard the bride say this, she shouted: "No, you can't use a knife." She said through the wall: "Tell him, just put some saliva on it." ”

16. There is a couple. The husband likes bowling but is also very afraid of his wife. The wife loves to smoke. One night, the wife found that she had run out of cigarettes and asked the husband to buy some. The husband didn’t. The only option was to buy some, but it was already very late and all the nearby kiosks were closed. This made the husband anxious. He suddenly thought that there should be a cigarette seller in the bar, so he went there. When he arrived at the bar, he saw the bar seat at a glance. He saw a beautiful lady, so he walked over to chat with the lady, and then they went to book a room together.

At midnight, the husband suddenly thought that he had forgotten to buy cigarettes for his wife, and he was afraid. His wife would beat him to death when she found out about this, so he asked the lady if she had any talcum powder. The lady was very surprised but gave it to him anyway. The husband smeared the talcum powder on his hands and went home. When the husband came home, he saw his wife standing there angrily. The wife asked her husband: "Where did you die!" ”

The husband answered honestly: “There was no place to sell cigarettes on the roadside, so I went to the bar. When I got to the bar, I saw a beautiful lady, so I went over to have a chat, and then we went Open a room. "

After hearing this, the wife said to her husband: "Stretch out your hand! "

The husband obediently stretched out his hand for his wife to see. The wife said angrily: "I didn't tell you that you were going bowling with your friends! What happened to your hand! ”

17. A couple went to stay in the countryside. The owner of the hotel told them to please bear with them because there was often a power outage at night because there was not enough electricity.

Unexpectedly, the couple not only didn't mind, but actually found it very exciting, so they agreed to make love once the power went out.

Sure enough, at night, the power went out every two hours. After several times, the man had to drag his tired body to discuss with the hotel owner and said: "Boss, I am willing to pay more. But could you please do me a favor and change the power outage to every four hours?”

The hotel owner smiled awkwardly and said, “I’m happy to help you, but it’s a pity that you’re a little late. Your girlfriend has overpaid me just now, on the condition that the power will be cut off every half hour!"

18. Carrot saw the ham sausage and said: Wow! He is so rich that he wears leather clothes. Ham sausage: This is nothing. Look at other people’s sausages, they are made of real leather, and we are also wearing this artificial leather.

19. The kangaroo and the frog went to have sex with the chicken. The kangaroo finished the job three times and two times, and only listened to the frog next door saying "Hey!" all night long! One, two, three Hey! Kangaroo is so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said: "Wow!~~Brother Frog, you are great!" The frog said: "cao, I didn't jump on the bed all night!~~

20. There is a shy little boy A boy fell in love with a beautiful and elegant woman. Shy, he secretly observed her life every day and finally found a cycle - she would eat noodles at a certain noodle shop on a certain day every week.

He felt that the time was ripe, so one day he waited for her at the noodle shop. When she came in and sat down, he took a deep breath, mustered up his courage, and strode forward to ask her name. < /p>

He said: "Miss, what is your name? "

The lady opened her big eyes and said to him: "My name is beef noodles. ”

21. A couple was watching people dancing in the ballroom. The husband said with emotion: “This world is really strange, that ugly and stupid man has a beautiful wife.” The wife smiled and said, "My dear, you are really good at flattering me." ”

22. Zhu Bajie’s love letter (funny)

Magnolia: Hello!

Yesterday, a sad day for the whole world, I finally left. I I have to go on a business trip to the West with two other old bachelors, one named Sun Wukong and the other Tang Seng. It may take three to five years to come back.

Can you imagine my mood when I left Gao Laozhuang? It's like a pig's head in three steps. I really hope to stay in Gaolaozhuang and live a happy communist life with you. I will farm, you will weave, I will pick manure, and you will trade stocks. Beautiful, loving, loving. Once your father's legs are straightened, we will work together to give birth to a large group of piglets. Then we will work together to send them to school, so that they can become millions of pigs and have a great sense of accomplishment. When we are so old that there is only one front tooth left, we will not regret for wasting our years, nor will we be ashamed of doing nothing. We will dare to pat our fat and say that all our lives and all our energy have been spent. It has been dedicated to the most magnificent cause of pigs, fighting for the inheritance of pigs.

Unfortunately, all these beautiful dreams were shattered by that damn monkey. I also burned all my holes. I worked hard for so many years and lived frugally. I only dared to eat about three hundred steamed buns in one meal. I finally bought a Snowflake 21-inch color TV and a A bulldozer brand electric fan was donated by the dead monkey to the hardest hit area - the King of Hell. Although the color TV screen is often covered with snowflakes and the electric fan often makes a bulldozer-like roar, it is all caused by sweat. . If you can’t beat him, I will kill him, chop him into pieces, and dry them in the sun. I’ll let you try them one day.

And that damn monk, I suggested that he use door-to-door mailing or door-to-port air transport, but he refused to listen and insisted on getting it himself. Invite a large group of people to go. In addition, there is a fear of airplanes, trains, and ships... In addition to riding a mule and horse with serious homosexual tendencies, he is afraid of everything. The country should also have this kind of freak. Hurry up and spend money to keep him in captivity and set up a protection fund. Besides, what's the use of taking back the scriptures? It's just for display in the study, making people confused about his identity as a farmer and entrepreneur. I know this kind of person very well. You can tell me not to go, because I am an old fool to catch up with my superior Tathagata, and Guanyin happens to be in menopause, which makes me easily laid off. I have no choice but to go if there are difficulties, and if there are no difficulties, I will go even if there are difficulties.

Yulan, I really can’t bear to leave you. As the saying goes, a husband and a wife will live together forever. We have been married for two years. Even though you are always holding a pair of sharp scissors, I have never touched you with a finger. We didn't get a bed driving license issued by the civil affairs department, but we have lived together for two years after all. Thinking of every bit of our life together, my heart feels like a knife (this is an idiom, Lanlan, I'm afraid of you) I don’t understand, so I have to explain it. It means holding your heart in your hands and cutting it off with scissors. I looked it up in many dictionaries before I found it). I know you feel very sad, but what can you do? The ancients said: If love lasts for a long time, how can it be in the morning and at night? (My ancestors are a bit obscene, please don’t blame me.) Yulan, you must wait for me to come back. And I will definitely organize a return group to fight back. Lan Mei must have confidence in this.

Wish Lanmei to be as graceful as the orchids

Brother Zhu Bajie’s tearful book

Gengzi in the 13th year of Xuantong

23, " "Westward Journey": There was once a sincere love in front of me, but I didn't cherish it. I only regretted it when I lost it. The most painful thing in the world is this. Cut my throat with your sword! Look no further! If God could give me another chance, I would say three words to that girl: I love you.

If I have to add a time limit to this love, I hope it is - ten thousand years

The classic dialogue of Zhou Xingchi picking up girls (be mentally prepared first...~laugh to death)

1. Bus stop

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you stepped on my foot."

Pretty girl: "No, I'm so far away from you."

Xingxing Zhou: "I mean, if you accidentally put your foot on my foot, you have stepped on my foot."

Pretty girl: "Crazy."

Zhou Xingxing: "Wow, Miss, you have good eyesight. I do have a history of mental illness. I usually have attacks when I see pretty girls."

Pretty girl: "You men are always like that, saying boring things on purpose. Luring girls deliberately. It seems that they think they are handsome.

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you are wrong. I never think that I am handsome, but I am handsome."

< p>Pretty girl: "Don't be so disgusting. I'm going to vomit."

Xingxing Zhou: "Can I ask you a question before you vomit?"

Pretty girl: "If you fart, hurry up." ..."

2. On the bus

Pretty girl: "Why is it you again? "

Zhou Xingxing: "Sometimes I am everywhere."

Pretty girl: "Do you know you are very annoying, you don't sit in so many places, but you have to sit in me Next to."

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, please understand, I just sat in an empty seat, and there happened to be you next to the empty seat, that's all."

Pretty girl: “There’s an empty seat in front of you, why don’t you go? "

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I understand, so you want to look at my butt, or do I use my butt to look at you? "

Pretty girl: "Get out of here..."

3. Get off the bus

Pretty girl: "Why did you get off the bus again?" "

Zhou Xingxing: "It's not because of you anyway! I like hanging out."

Pretty girl: "I'm suing you for sexual harassment. Which unit are you from? "

Zhou Xingxing: "Are you talking about kilograms, joules, or Newtons? "

Pretty girl: "Am I familiar with you? I keep saying such nonsense, I'm sorry, I don't have a cold! "

Zhou Xingxing: "Yes, we are not familiar at all. We are like two green strawberries on the same branch, sour."

Pretty girl: "Look I traveled to the West several times and learned a few words from Tang Monk. Do you think you are very humorous? "

Xingxing Zhou: "Humor is innate. If you want to blame it, blame my mother. By the way, there is also my father..."

Pretty girl: "Nervous. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Your mother is crazy."

Pretty girl: "Your mother is crazy."

Zhou Xingxing: "Look at you, you are obviously Your mother insists on saying she is my mother, maybe you want to..."

Pretty girl: "Get out of here..."

4. KFC At the door

Pretty girl: "No way, why am I so unlucky to meet you again."

Zhou Xingxing: "I also noticed it. I think about the sins of my previous life." It must be very heavy."

Pretty girl: "Speak clearly! Don't let me flatter you!"

Zhou Xingxing: "If you dare, I will scream."

Pretty girl: “What’s your name? "

Zhou Xingxing: ""Indecent."

Pretty girl: "Do you think anyone will care about you?"

Zhou Xingxing: "No That’s fine, I’ll come back from the indecent assault.”

Pretty girl: “God, there are scoundrels like you, it’s really blinding God! "

Zhou Xingxing:" "Well, yes, otherwise there would be no so-called elites in this world."

Pretty girl: "... .."

5. Kendejili

Pretty girl: "Don't talk, I get annoyed when you talk."

Zhou Xingxing: " " I haven’t said anything yet. Can you please be reasonable? "

Pretty girl: "I told you to stop talking. You talk like a fly. It's so disgusting."

>

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, it's really shocking that words can have such a big effect. I cry ghosts and gods. Can I do a part-time job?" "

Pretty girl: "What to do? "

Zhou Xingxing: ""Go to the hospital to help people with gastric lavage."

Pretty girl: "You can't be saved. Go back and take care of the funeral as soon as possible."

Zhou Xingxing: "I don't have any requests before I die. I just want to say a few words to you, but I'm afraid you won't agree. Will you agree?" "

Pretty girl: "Tell me, reasonable requests can be considered."

Zhou Xingxing: ""Can you treat me to this KFC meal?"

< p>Pretty girl: "Go to hell..."

6. Get out of Kendeji

Pretty girl: "Don't you have a girlfriend? Hang out alone on Sunday?"

Zhou Xingxing: “To be precise, I don’t have a girlfriend, but I have female friends. Why do you ask?”

Pretty girl: “It’s nothing, I care about your life-long affairs.” , isn’t it good? "

Zhou Xingxing: ""Okay, why not? You are like me, the person I love deeply."

Pretty girl: "Who?..."

Zhou Xingxing: ""My mother. She always likes to ask this and that. "

Pretty girl: "If there weren't so many people watching on the street, I really want to beat you."

Zhou Xingxing: ""I'm not even afraid of anyone seeing you beat me up." , what are you afraid of? What about you, don’t you want to accompany your boyfriend? "

Pretty girl: "Don’t worry about it!"

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I understand. My boyfriend abandoned me and beat me to find a psychological balance."

Pretty girl: "A dog's mouth can't spit out ivory. Let's be clear, I don't want to find it."

Zhou Xingxing: ""Consider me, I will suffer a little loss."

Pretty girl: "Please don't disgust me anymore."

Zhou Xingxing: ""I can be your unconditional Extra, if you need a boyfriend, please call *************"

Pretty girl: "We will talk about it then."

Zhou Xingxing: ""Tell me your phone number, okay?"

Pretty girl: "We'll talk about it then. I'll scold you if you bother me again."

Zhou Xingxing: ""Okay, Then you send me a message to scold me."

Pretty girl: ..................

7. Go home each other

Pretty girl: "It's weird, I really want to send a message to scold him."

Zhou Xingxing: ""Haha. It's weird that she doesn't send a message to scold me."

Pretty girl: "It's over. Do I really like that scoundrel?"

Zhou Xingxing: "Hey, it's over if she doesn't like me, a scoundrel."< /p>