Just kidding, man.

The two brothers went to drink until they were red in the face. One of them was a little worried: "My wife is very powerful and probably won't let me in." "I'll teach you a trick. When you get drunk and go home, take off your clothes outside the door and ring the doorbell. When your wife opens the door, you throw your clothes into the house at once. She must have let you in when she saw you naked. " The next day, the two met again. "ah! Did your wife let you in last night? " "Well, don't mention it! I went to the door and took off my clothes. The door opened and I threw my clothes in ... At this moment, a voice came from the door: Please pay attention, it is closed now, and the next stop is Children's Paradise! "

What are you doing in my house?

A gentleman drank a lot of good wine outside one day and then stopped a taxi to go home. It happened that a lady was driving. When a gentleman got on the bus, he vaguely said the location. After a while, he began to untie his tie. The female driver felt that drinking wine was very hot and didn't care. She just unbuttoned her shirt and put it on the chair in the front row. This is a woman driver who stopped the car and asked a gentleman, "This is a woman driver." I want to be indecent! A gentleman was startled and said, "Who are you?" What are you doing in my house? I have a wife! "

You may be too smart.

A miser went to a bar to drink, took out the money prepared in advance and ordered a glass of beer.

Halfway through the drink, he felt anxious and wanted to go to the bathroom. But I'm afraid others will drink.

So he borrowed a pen and paper from the waiter. The paper says: I spit in the cup.

Then he left safely.

After a while, he came back and found the wine still there. He is very happy.

However, he found a few more words on the note: I threw up, too!

What an alcoholic.

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out the whereabouts of the jewels, the police found a bucket of cold water, pushed the drunk's head into the water and asked, "Did you see those jewels?"

The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "

drink

There is a man who loves wine like life and often goes to his friend's house to drink.

One day, he was drinking and chatting at a friend's house.

The host was annoyed and wanted to tell him to go back early, but it was hard to say.

Just then it was cloudy, and the host said, "It's going to rain, so go home early!" " "

The man said, "It's going to rain. How can I get there? "

After a while, it began to rain and it didn't stop for a long time.

After the rain stopped, the host said, "The rain stopped. Go! " The man added, "The rain has stopped. What are you busy with?"

Love your enemies.

A priest earnestly warned everyone not to drink, saying that wine is the enemy of man;

But he is a heavy drinker and often gets drunk.

Once, he was found drunk.

"Father, why do you drink? Isn't it said that wine is the enemy of mankind? "

"Yes, but do you know what the Bible says? Love your enemies ... "

Hey, man.

Dad was drunk, gave a thumbs-up and asked himself:

"What is this?"

"One. Hello, man! ! ~~"

Drunk superman

The bar located in the skyscraper is doing well. One day, a man was in a bad mood and drank wine to drown his sorrows. Suddenly, a drunk came in from the outside and smelled of alcohol. He went to the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of tequila. After drinking, he walked to an open window without saying anything, and then jumped out. Some armour is frightened: "How to commit suicide by jumping off a building on the spot?" Unexpectedly, after a while, the drunk walked in from the door again, unscathed. He went to the bartender again, ordered another glass of wine, drank it and jumped out of the window. The same thing happened again n times. The more he looked at it, the more incredible it became. He asked the drunk what happened when he was drinking.

He replied: "This wine has strong volatility, which acts on the body and can make people have buoyancy and slowly fall to the ground."

This is really amazing and incredible, but because I witnessed it with my own eyes, a certain armor immediately ordered the same wine as him, gulped it down, and then jumped out of the window like a drunk, and as a result, a certain armor fell dead.

The bartender sees everything, only to see him look at the drunk, shake his head, and say to him with a little anger and helplessness, "Superman, you are drunk, and you deserve a beating."

"Please slap me again."

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jiuge, a famous drinker. One day in the street, he met two men carrying a jar of wine, and he followed him all the way to smell the wine. What a coincidence! The two wine merchants didn't go far. They fell down, broke the jar and spilled good wine all over the floor. When JIU ge saw it, he ran over and fell to the ground to drink. The man who served the wine just had no place to vent his anger, so he slapped JIU ge hard on the left face. Because there was wine on the slap, JIU ge quickly put the wine printed on his face into his mouth, then put his right face together and said, "Please slap again."

Three difficult problems

An alcoholic went out to buy wine. Suddenly he caught a glimpse of a notice posted in a hotel on the corner, which read: As long as you complete three difficult problems, you can drink wine for free for one year.

The drunkard saw that it was now or never, so he went in and asked the bartender, what are your three questions?

The bartender looked at him and said, first of all, you must finish this cup of tequila with pepper in one breath; Second, there is a hippo in our backyard, which has a toothache for a long time. You must help it pull out its teeth. 3. See the apartment opposite? There is a woman who has not been satisfied for a long time. You must satisfy her.

The drunkard was eager to try, so he drank tequila in one gulp. Feeling that the whole person was going to burn, he rushed to the backyard with great interest. After the hippo screamed, the drunk rushed out and shouted at the bartender, Come on, where is the woman with toothache?

The story of pumpkin

A thief sneaked into a mansion and rummaged through it. When he was ready to leave, the master came back. The thief hurriedly grabbed a sack beside him and put it on his body. He crouched in the corner of the living room, afraid to get out of the atmosphere. The host entered the room drunk, saw something in the corner of the living room and went over. He repeatedly touched his pocket and kept muttering, "What is this? Huh? " The thief was very uncomfortable and impatient, shouting, "Pumpkin! Idiot! " After hearing this, the host couldn't help complaining: "Why didn't you say so earlier? Let Laozi guess for a long time! "

drunkard

Tommy is an alcoholic. He likes to compete with people who are more drunk than he is.

Once, he said, "I'm always so drunk that I forget I'm drinking."

Best shooter

A drunk saw an astronomy enthusiast on his way home. He was observing the stars with a telescope supported by a tripod. The drunkard also leaned in, and through the telescope, all the stars in the sky he saw tilted to one side. "oh! It's not easy! " The drunk shouted in surprise and said to the astronomy enthusiast, "You, I'm sure, must be the best shooter in our city."

Use a bag to find your way

A drunken man stumbled over. He asked a girl who passed by him, "Please tell me, miss, how many bags are there on my forehead?"

"Three." The girl answered timidly.

"Thank you!" The drunk muttered, "I have to touch five telephone poles to get home." . . . . "

Drink rain or shine.

Once, an alcoholic went to a restaurant to drink for a long time. The servant urged him to go home quickly and said, "It's going to be cloudy, and it's going to rain soon. Let's go before it rains. " The drunkard kept saying, "It's raining. It's too late to hide What are you going to do? " Sure enough, it began to rain, and it cleared up after a while. The servant urged again, "It's sunny. Go home quickly." The drunkard said, "Since it's sunny, what's the hurry?"

Blindness/death/drunkenness

The question raised by the lawyer of the accused drunk driver hit the nail on the head. The police officer who arrested the defendant testified that the defendant searched the glove box of the car for a long time when he asked for a driver's license.

"Was it dark in the car? Are there many things stuffed in the glove box? " Asked the lawyer.

"yes."

"How long did he grope?"

"About five minutes." The police officer said.

"Well," said the teacher, "is it strange that you spend time looking for a small piece of paper in the dark and messy glove box?"

"Yes," replied the policeman. "He is in my police car."

Or are you lucky?

Two drunks were drinking together, and one of them said, "I'm really unlucky." My wife ran away with all my property! " "

Another drunkard said, "Dude, you are still very lucky. My wife has taken all my property, and she still won't leave! " ! ! "

Only for a week.

Someone was accused of drunk driving and he defended himself in court.

"I just drank some alcoholic drinks, and I was not as drunk as the accusation said."

"Yes, because of what you said, I didn't betray you to jail for seven days, only sentenced you to jail for one week." The judge replied with a smile.

Wine and meat

A person often gets drunk and often misses business.

A friend advised him: "It is not advisable to drink too much wine! You see, the cloth covered on the jar in the hotel often rots quickly. Is it not dangerous for people to drink too much? "

The drunkard replied, "Not necessarily! Don't you see that the meat in distiller's grains is not easy to rot? "

Life fund

During the Soviet period, a man came to a pub. ......

Man: A bottle of Volga!

Attendant: 10 ruble.

M: Last time I was here, it was 5 rubles. Why ...?

Attendant: Volga is 5 rubles, and the other 5 rubles are the Party's revolutionary fund.

The man reluctantly took out 10 rubles and handed it to the waiter. Strangely, the waiter gave him another 5 rubles.

Man: How did you find 5 roubles again?

Attendant: All the wine is sold out.

Gra Vial

A young man came home in the middle of the night, trying to take a shortcut, but he fell into a newly dug grave. After a while, a drunk staggered into the cemetery and heard someone shouting from under the grave, "I froze to death here."

Drunk: "I tell you! You kicked the dirty things off your body, can you not freeze? "

in luck

A drunk walks up to the automatic device, puts in a 10 cent coin and presses the button. He was surprised to see a pie. So he put in coins again and again until a pile of pies appeared in front of him.

A salesman found out and asked him why he bought so many.

"Why?" The drunk shouted, "I'm lucky. I always win!" " Do you want me to stop? "

driver

Two drunks were speeding on the highway. ...

A: Hello! There is a turn ahead, so drive slowly.

B: What? Don't you drive?

Win a lot of money

Bill was drunk again, stopped a taxi in Hart Square and said to the driver, "Take me to the Wall Hotel."

The driver replied in surprise, "This is the Wall Hotel."

"Really?" Bill asked again.

"Yes, I won't lie to you." The driver answered affirmatively.

So Bill took a 20 yuan bill out of his pocket and threw it to the driver, saying, "Great, this is for you, but don't drive so fast next time."

Something to sober up.

"I think I'm drunk," Lao Mi said to the waiter.

"Bring me something to sober up!"

"OK," said the waiter, "I'll pay the bill!"

give up drinking

One day, a man walked into a bar and shouted, "Two glasses of wine!" " "

The waiter said, "why do you want two cups, sir?"

The man said, "One is mine and the other is my friend's. He is very ill and has been admitted to the hospital. I will drink for him. "

The next day, he walked into the bar again and said, "Have a drink!" " "

The waiter said with concern, "Is your friend dead?"

The man was furious: "Nonsense!"

The waiter said, "Why is there only one cup?"

The man said, "Because I quit drinking ..."

Don't have a drink.

An old customer is drinking in a bar. He always drinks two glasses.

The waiter asked him, "Why don't you have a big one?"

"I've given up drinking, and I haven't given up a drink." The old customer said with a smile.