"Psychological problems": Full-time nannies feel terrible after being denied by their husbands. What should I do?

My answer

Hello, I can see your grievance, anger and powerlessness from your description. I think the most fundamental reason for your mood is how to treat the negation in intimate relationship, so we will discuss it from this topic.

How to treat "being denied" in intimate relationship? & gt

Everyone doesn't like being denied, especially in intimate relationships, which makes us feel worse. Therefore, when you have an argument with your husband, you will feel "so uncomfortable". Bad is a feeling of self-denial. Simply put, your husband denies you (saying that you think differently from him)-and then inspires you to deny yourself.

Therefore, "how to treat the negation in intimate relationship" is particularly important to us. I want to discuss with you from the following aspects:

1. "You are not what I imagined"-is this a negative?

When you take the husband's "you are not what he imagined" as a negative, it means that you agree with a point: you should be the same as he imagined. So, when you are not what he thinks, you are "wrong".

However, if you use your intelligence, you will find that this is a false proposition. I am thinking, who can completely meet the imagination of others? If your husband is angry because you didn't reach his imagination, then maybe it's not you who should reflect and review, but him-does he have idealized expectations for you? Is this unrealistic expectation simply a delusion?

Here, maybe you will suddenly realize that the "fault" is not yours, so why are you sad?

2. Try to live the life that others expect: you idealize yourself.

As I said just now, your husband has unrealistic wishes and idealistic ideas for you, and he is angry with you because his wishes have not been realized. This shows that your husband is not mature enough. But here is a question: why do you want to "take"? Why do you involuntarily satisfy others when others expect you? And because I didn't satisfy others, I felt guilty and blamed myself, and even felt that I was "bad"?

Essentially, it's because you also idealize yourself. Simply put, in your subconscious, you think you can do anything to meet everyone's expectations. This is a deep narcissism.

Here, I want to briefly explain that "idealization" is a psychological defense mechanism, and we often use it to make ourselves feel comfortable.

3. Agree with others' demands on themselves-how did this mode of thinking come into being?

"Others make demands-you should try your best to meet them": This is actually an automatic thinking mode. Your recognition of your husband stems from your recognition of your parents in your early years. Simply put, your relationship with your husband is actually a replica of your childhood relationship with your parents.

When you are young, you must rely on the protection of your parents to grow up safely, so this has become an internal model of you-eager to please your parents and hope to get their approval. If your parents don't approve, you will feel that you have done something wrong. The reason for this mode of thinking is that your parents didn't treat you well in the process of raising you and didn't give you unconditional love and acceptance-they will send you a signal that when you are obedient and obedient, you will be rewarded by your parents, otherwise, you will be punished as a "bad boy".

Over time, you internalize this pattern. Your true self has not been well developed, but a false self has appeared. This false self must rely on the affirmation of others to survive. So it's very fragile, and it will fall off when touched. Just like you, when the external environment changes-for example, when your husband accuses you, you feel sad and want to fall down the stairs.

4. How can we not be influenced by others' negation?

Maybe after reading this, you have a clear understanding of why you have such strong emotions, but you may want to know more, how should you not be influenced by this sound?

The most fundamental answer to this question is to rebuild your true self. When your true self is rock solid, no matter how others deny and criticize you, it is hard to shake your deep affirmation of self-worth. But the problem is that building your true self will not happen overnight. In the meantime, you may need some specific guidance. So next, I will tell you my suggestion:

① Cognitive level: Negation is only the expression of the other party.

Everyone is making a sound in various ways, expressing themselves and expressing innocence, but this is their own business. For example, your husband expresses his dissatisfaction with you, which is his business. He makes a sound at his border. Whether you "take over" actually depends on you. As mentioned above, you accepted his request "automatically". In fact, it should be within your own boundaries. You had the right to choose, but you gave it up yourself. And then pick it up.

② Return to the real world: distinguish between feeling and fact.

We are often defeated by feelings, such as being denied by our husbands, and we feel wronged and angry. But I want you to know from a conscious level that this is your feeling, not the fact.

What you feel now is automatically produced by past experience. For example, when your parents criticized you as a child, you would feel ashamed and hurt. But now you are an adult. No one can really hurt you except yourself, such as your husband. What if he is not satisfied with you? Can he decide your life or death? The answer is of course no.

Feelings are real, but they are also illusory. They come from early life experiences, but they don't conform to your current real reality.

③ Accept yourself: find a self-supporting system.

Maybe you will be confused: should I just go my own way and ignore what others say? This idea confuses two concepts: accepting oneself (affirming self-worth) and giving up growth.

Accepting yourself means accepting everything objectively and truly, but don't be ashamed of your "shortcomings" and attack yourself. Only on this basis can we make real progress and growth.

So the core of this problem is "don't attack yourself", and the most common attack is shame. For example, when others accuse you, on the one hand, you feel wronged and angry, on the other hand, you will feel guilty and ashamed.

You can try to find a self-supporting system and build your true self-worth. For example, correctly understand the profession of "stay-at-home mom"-perhaps subconsciously, you think that stay-at-home mom is weak (because she doesn't earn money), so you need to look at the value of being a stay-at-home mom with rational thinking-to give children high-quality companionship and build a sense of security and attachment.

You can also try to get out of the relatively closed small environment (family), get in touch with the outside world, and see your own resources from other people's feedback-you are valuable not only as a wife and mother, but also as a "member of society".

Of course, the most fundamental value comes from your value as a "person"-this basic value as a person is not judged by various secular standards such as your age, income, appearance and status. As long as they are "people", their values are all equal. If you really realize this, maybe you will expand to the category of "all things are equal".

It is not easy to build self-worth, but I hope you can try. Maybe your parents didn't treat you well, but you can and should be responsible for yourself as an adult-you can treat yourself with acceptance, tolerance, understanding and support and raise yourself again.

Bless you.

If you have any psychological confusion, please feel free to talk to me backstage.