Vigorously collect funny jokes!

1, I couldn't find my mobile phone at my friend's house that day, so I borrowed my friend's girlfriend's mobile phone and dialed it to hear where it was. Enter my number, press the dial key, and my name saved by her will be displayed on the screen: SB3 (then I feel relieved, fortunately I am the third runner-up ...)

I dropped a key when I took out my pocket. I didn't find it at that time, so I went back to find it! There was a couple on the roadside, and the man suddenly said excitedly, Whose is it? Whose is it? I thought it was the key. Say it quickly, mine, mine! It's mine! ! Only later did I know that the woman was pregnant. . . . Pity my face. . . It hurts for a few days!

3. I had a group meeting at school today and suddenly sneezed unexpectedly. I looked up and found my nose on the back of the girl in front. The woman didn't notice, so she secretly wanted to help her wipe it off. Just as she reached out, the girl next to her found it and shouted, "How can you wipe someone's nose?" ! ? "

4. classmate a had a car accident, his foot was broken and he was hospitalized. Several of our classmates who had a good time went to see him. I met his parents as soon as I entered the inpatient department. I hurried to ask about A's illness. As soon as I opened my mouth, I became "Uncle and Aunt, how did A die?" . . . "His parents are blue in the face. .

When I was in college, my classmates had dinner and drank one cup after another, and then there was a reaction in my stomach. . . I threw up when I rushed to the toilet and didn't stand firm. . . . Rustling mouth to go back and sit down, nothing happened. After a while, my friend got up and said he wanted to go to the toilet. I kindly advised, "Don't go, someone just threw up. It's disgusting."

6. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

When I was in middle school, I didn't do my homework well once. I have to redo two words recognized by the teacher in the exercise book. The next morning, I went to buy breakfast, and then I gave my exercise book to my deskmate and asked him to hand it in for me. The most classic place appeared. His old man wrote "Don't do it" after redoing it. Then, it's tragic. ,,,,,,,, What's more tragic, he told me that he was going to graduate soon.

8. I am quite forgetful. I forgot to turn off the gas after taking a shower last night … then my mother said while helping me clean up the mess: so you must not commit a crime, because you will definitely leave evidence of the crime …

9. I bought socks at a stall, one pair at a time, which is cheap. I wanted to buy 30 pairs, but only the same black style was left. The sock seller told me that one color was good, and no one could tell if one was missing ... I thought it was right, so I bought 30 pairs ... I changed them every two days ... and it was almost two months later, and my deskmate couldn't stand it. Me: ....

10, the temperature has dropped recently. I saw a Hercules on the highway, driving a convertible and wearing a motorcycle helmet.

1 1, on a whim, I took my photo as a computer desktop … and then my computer was poisoned …

12, high school talked in a dream together: "Love the princess, love the princess, don't leave me". I petrified ... After a while, "The Great Qing Dynasty just died, I am not reconciled, I am not reconciled" and I collapsed directly. ...

13, tell me about my wife. The day before yesterday, my wife found a financial software online, so I gave her the computer. I watched. My wife skillfully opened Google's address, entered "Baidu" in the search bar, and then opened Baidu in the search results to continue looking for what she wanted. Now, I always tell my wife what I am looking for. Go to Google Baidu ...

14, a classmate's parents said. His parents just started dating. One day when I was shopping, my mother took a fancy to a down jacket, but when she saw the price, she took my father away. His father said, if we can't afford it, can't we try? His father forced his mother into the dressing room. His mother changed, and when his father saw it, he took his mother and ran away, saying, run! While the clerk is away! His mother is wearing that down jacket, and the label is floating outside. She was dragged out by her father and happened to pass a post. Her mother cried with a pillar in her arms. His father turned around and said seriously, run! Are you waiting to be caught? His mother cried even more. Then his father smiled: Hahahaha ... I paid for the clothes when you went in.

15, I once rented A Jin Tianyi in Manba, and I burst into tears when I saw the second page. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

16. My girlfriend wants to check the phone bill. Send a text message to 10086: How much is my phone bill left?

17. Walking behind a crowded street, suddenly there was an overbearing whistle. Before I could react, a Buick commercial vehicle hit my shoulder. I was not angry, just gently took out the key and drew a beautiful line from beginning to end in its process.

18, the funniest thing in high school. There will be no money then. We often chip in to buy cigarettes. My buddy and I bought a box of cigarettes that day. I was just about to go to the bathroom to smoke, but I ended up in class. It's the class of the head teacher. Forget it. Let's go to class first. In class, I saw that guy secretly wrote a note, then rubbed a big ball and threw it to me. The class teacher saw it, and the class teacher directly came down and took it away, standing on the podium and began to read. Khan ing, if I knew what it said, I would rather swallow it than give it to her. As soon as the head teacher opened his mouth, he said, "Yak (my nickname, my classmates will recognize me)", and the whole class burst into laughter ... "Give ZJ two cigarettes first", and the whole class continued to burst into laughter ... except ZJ. "Give two to the boss (a classmate's nickname, not the real boss)" The whole class continued to laugh ... except ZJ and the boss.

I'll share the rest. The whole class has laughed until their stomachs hurt ... The most classic sentence appeared: "If you want one box, you need one less box, and if you don't want one more box" ... The whole class laughed directly ... I was completely speechless ... Sorry RZ.

19, my roommate played a trick on me and hid my wallet in a small box. The problem with MD is that the small box is a gift I want to give to a female netizen in Guangzhou. I am so awesome that I found my wallet missing after two days of mailing. I am in Wuhan, and my ID card, bank card and girlfriend photos are all in the hands of female netizens in Guangzhou.

20. Yesterday at Wal-Mart, I suddenly had a stomachache and wanted to rush into the bathroom. As soon as I squatted down, I started an earth-shattering eruption. As a result, the child next door burst into tears. Her mother asked her what was wrong, and she said, it stinks ~ ~

2 1, batch homework, see students do geometry problems without drawing, casual remarks: no picture, no truth ~

When I was in high school, I always got together to smoke after class. I happened to have something to tell you that day, so I started smoking slowly. Everyone else has finished smoking, and I have half left. When I saw that the class was about to start, I took two sips. Suddenly the head teacher came in. I threw a cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with my foot, but the two cigarettes I just inhaled had to hold my breath. The class teacher has read it. Come and ask me, do you smoke? I shook my head, the class teacher: speak; Keep shaking your head. The head teacher is angry: you talk to me. Me: I ... don't ... smoke ... (as smoke gushes from my nose and mouth) and the class teacher didn't stop laughing. ...

23. Go to dinner with colleagues after work today. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked up his hair with chopsticks and shouted, boss ~ ~ You see this? When the boss saw it, he shouted, Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady!

24. Arrive at the coast and finish unloading. The task of the exercise is to assign the garrison division to carry out the anti-landing exercise, and everyone will prepare the vehicle immediately. I'm using a grease gun to refuel the load wheel. The fat political commissar of the division stood behind me and watched for a while. He said with concern, little comrade, you have worked hard! I didn't expect the tank to have 12 wheels to pump up. Tankers are not easy! I was moved to laugh and cry.

25. I spent 50 yuan on the Internet to buy a hand-made face soap. Two days is useless. When I tried to use it again at night, I found that I lost half my weight and there were soap bubbles on it, which made me vomit blood. My dad also said that your soap is really easy to use, and it is slippery after taking a shower.

26. The first time I went to eat Italian pizza, I didn't know what to eat, so I ordered a set meal in 8 yuan, 38 yuan, and brought a cheese. After dinner, I found something missing. I thought there was a piece of cheese missing, so I shouted, "Waiter, why hasn't my cheese been served yet?" I ate it all. Should I let others eat it? Waiter: sir, your cheese has been poured on your pizza ... nothing, go and get busy. ...

27. Teachers like to devote themselves to this topic. One day, the teacher said, "My base radius is 20cm, and my height is 50cm, so I …" Someone replied, "I'm a fool …"

28. When I returned to the dormitory at noon, I saw coke in the cup and drank it all at once. I was depressed after drinking it. It turns out that the buddy in the dormitory ate jiaozi and bought a bag of vinegar. There was nowhere to pour, so he put it in my cup. . .

29. I am quite forgetful. After taking a shower last night, I forgot to turn off the gas ... then my mother said while helping me clean up the mess, so you must not commit a crime, because you will definitely leave evidence of the crime. ...

30. One day after I went to physical education class, I was so hungry that I ran to the restaurant for dinner. There were too many people, too crowded and too messy, so I shouted to my aunt who was cooking, "Hurry up!" Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Come into the house quickly! Beggars and other dirty ... "

3 1, I am the true story next door to my sophomore year ... A certain armor sleeps in class ... When the teacher finds him angry ... he asks Armor to solve the problem in front of the blackboard ... If he can't write it, he is ready to humiliate Armor in public. As a matter of fact, teacher A began to sour him before he walked to the blackboard ... It's shameless to dare to sleep in class with such poor grades. Is his head at home ... he only sleeps all day ... I didn't expect ... he can write ... and solve it beautifully ... The teacher is a little embarrassed ... so I have to let him go back to his seat and leave him alone ... I didn't expect him to choke on the teacher ... I went to sleep first. Can you ask me later?

32. My brother went to a primary school to play basketball and heard a junior girl ask a junior boy, "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mother gives me 3 yuan a day, of which 2.5 yuan is for you to buy snacks. Do you think I love you or not? " ..

33. In other words, my girlfriend works as a summer job and sells mobile phones in a mobile phone plaza. One day at noon, at lunch time, there was almost no one in the shop. An uncle came to the counter next to my girlfriend to look at the mobile phone. It's just that the MM at that counter hasn't eaten yet, and she looks dizzy. He didn't get up and put his head on the counter with his arm, because MM's chest (crab) is bigger. Uncle looked at it and suddenly found that he could see MM's chest (crab) ditch. I bought a mobile phone when I had seen enough ... As a result, my uncle bought a mobile phone and ran away without saying anything. ...

According to a friend, a relative of one of his colleagues came to Xiamen and got on the bus. The man showed the electronic cartoon to the driver, looking for a place. The driver stopped him and said, "Look at the card". He picked up the E comic and read aloud: "Xiamen E comic ~ ~". The driver said, "Look over there". This man.

35. I like playing football in high school. GF often watches me play ball. Once I was practicing shooting, she ran over and said, "Can you kick me down while I'm standing there?" (about 15 meters) I say give it a try! As a result, I don't know which painting it is. A powerful volley, direct head shot! ! Crying on the spot and not talking to me for a week.

36. My husband took me to work in the morning and left. Then I suddenly received his short message: "I just sent that bitch away, and I'll find you right away, dear."