True love is to love and kill each other. Why do some couples love each other and kill each other?

Teacher Lan, my husband and I are loving couples and have a very good relationship. But I don't know why, we always have some "contradictions" suddenly because of a little thing.

Sometimes, I don't like what he says (but it's true), and then I deliberately don't want to talk to him (I don't know why I want to talk to him). Sometimes because he didn't say hello to me in time when he came back from work, I felt left out by him, and then I didn't act very unhappy. He asked me twice because he thought I was unhappy. When he saw that I didn't answer (in fact, I couldn't tell myself, and there was no reason to say it), he would simply ignore me and go to the study alone to sulk.

Besides, my husband can do the same sometimes. It's just that his frequency and reaction won't be as strong as mine. Sometimes when I go back to my mother's house, I am busy chatting with my family. When I leave him hanging for a while, he will sit on the sofa and sulk alone. Sometimes when I meet an acquaintance on the road, I take the initiative to chat with others, but I forget to introduce him, and he will talk about me because of this.

I'm not afraid of your jokes. My husband and I are often unhappy because of such "small contradictions", and sometimes the contradictions escalate to the cold war. I'm a little worried now, if this frequency is getting higher and higher, will it be possible for us to get divorced or give others some opportunities to exploit loopholes.

Teacher Lan, my husband and I are in good condition. He comes from a cadre family, and my family's conditions are quite good. Moreover, we all have stable and high-paying jobs, and our work is not tiring, and our lives are relatively comfortable. But I don't know why, but we got into a fight over such a trivial matter. Two years ago, I thought it was not bad. Sometimes when you quarrel, you feel that two people love each other more. But now that we have been married for eight years, why?

In fact, in addition to Ms. Qin and her wife, many marriages will have such a phenomenon.

Obviously, both of them care about each other very much, and even can't live without each other at all, but they always like to have a little awkward cold war for no reason, so as to consolidate their unique position in each other's minds and declare their overbearing and deep love for each other. Sometimes, even they can't understand "why do they hurt TA like that?" !

This sexual relationship and phenomenon can be called "love and kill each other":

Love each other but hurt each other; Know each other's thoughts, but do the opposite; Longing to be together, but torturing each other and letting go of each other. Even if I know I will regret it later, I can't control myself.

Especially in many marriages, their "love each other and kill each other" is often manifested as:

Have something to say, I can't say it well. One party always likes to pretend to be strong to cover up his inner uneasiness and fragility. On the other hand, although they understand their weaknesses and care about each other, they will still "resist";

We depend on each other and know each other's preferences, but subconsciously we still choose our preferences unconsciously. This creates an illusion of mutual ignorance and tacit understanding, and even inspires all kinds of "instinctive" negative emotions;

Full of fear and lack of confidence in the relationship between men and women. No matter how much the other person loves himself, he feels insecure. Deep down, eager to be intimate with each other, but unable to really trust each other, always unconsciously choose to escape;

You can be polite to all the people in the world, but only treat the TA around you as air. But in fact, they don't love each other, just want to balance their anxiety and fill their inferiority through such a way of attacking and controlling each other;

Because two people get along so closely in daily life, they subconsciously have the illusion of loving each other too much: treating each other as another "dissatisfied self"!

Why is this happening? I think there are three main reasons:

Lack of positive feedback on love

To put it bluntly, I prefer "controlling love with love" to "nurturing love with love". I mistakenly thought that love should be a world for two people, and no one else should participate.

But in fact, faithful love cannot exist in a vacuum. Because besides love, we also need to live, study, develop and keep pace with the times. We can't avoid all these, and we all need to break away from the "absolute control of love and marriage" intermittently or "half-heartedly" with mutual trust and encouragement.

At this time, both sides need to look at the relationship positively, not only have full trust in each other, but also learn to express their love boldly and encourage each other to jump out of the circle of "children's affair". In fact, positive feedback and response are more likely to make gender relations healthy, benign and solid.

There is only a small compromise, not a big insistence.

According to Lan's observation, many men and women love each other and kill each other because they can't face up to the fundamental big problems.

That is to say, although they have always loved each other, in fact, based on their family background and personality habits, the big differences and big problems formed have not been paid enough attention and effectively solved.

It's just that whenever problems surface, there is always one party who is willing to endure for a while because of so-called love, and then make some compromises to cover up the problems. But in fact, the big problem between two people still exists, and it will even increase with the passage of time.

For example, the most common house problem in gender relations. Many women obviously care about whether a man has a house, but in order not to lose each other, they have to hide their psychology and are willing to continue to marry him reluctantly. But in fact, this gap and insecurity in women's hearts will not be reduced because of such compromise and their love.

If you don't die, you won't die. Life is too simple.

With all due respect, in real life, many couples are asking for trouble. If they don't die, they will not die.

On the one hand, they have plenty of food and clothing, and they don't worry about eating and wearing; On the other hand, they have suffered too little and lived too affectedly and willfully. Even a serious lack of life taste and emotional sustenance. Therefore, I always like to spend some extra energy and time thinking about each other's worries.

In the final analysis, this is a typical "business women don't know the national subjugation and hate" mentality. But as long as they have a little bit of life pressure, or have experienced more human suffering, they will not have such affectation and often make some small contradictions in their hearts.

In fact, the real happiness in marriage should come from the awe of both parties' "knowing, seeking and cherishing". Fear of each other, fear of oneself, fear of marriage, fear of harmony between heaven and earth.