Uncle Guizhou buys you a drink. There are many jokes.

The woodcutter accidentally met the doctor while carrying firewood, and the doctor punched him.

The woodcutter pleaded, "I'd like to be kicked."

He was asked why. The woodcutter said, "It must be hard to live with his hands!" " "

There is no food in my stomach.

A scholar is anxious day and night to take the imperial examination.

His wife comforted him and said, "It's so hard to watch you write an article, just like we women have children."

The husband said, "It's still easier for you women to have children."

The wife asked, "Why?"

The husband said, "You have it in your stomach, but I don't!" " "

"Chuan" sleeps late

An enlightenment teacher only knows the word "biography", and when he sees a student handing a book, he plans to find one.

"Sichuan" taught him, but he didn't turn over a few pages in a row. Suddenly he saw a word "three" pointing to it.

It scolded, "I can't find you anywhere." I'm lying here sleeping in! " "

The same "disease"

Two children got married, and an in-laws bought a new bed, which was extremely exquisite and gorgeous. I think it's great.

Don't let your in-laws see your bed, so why not bury it? So he pretended to be sick and lay in bed so that he could kiss him.

Go home and visit patients.

My in-laws just made a New Pants, and they want to show it off. I heard that my in-laws are sick here.

I am happy to visit. He sat down in front of his in-laws bed, deliberately raised his legs high and lifted his robe.

Open it to expose New Pants, and then ask, "What's wrong with my in-laws, so pale and thin?"

Speaking of this, my in-laws patted the edge of the bed and said, "My little brother is sick, just like my in-laws are sick!"

The word "one" is too long.

The father wrote a word "one" to teach his son, and the son read it several times and remembered it.

The next day, the father wiped the table, drew a horizontal line on the table with a wet cloth and asked his son, "What is this?"

What word? "Son a wink don't know.

Father said, "This is the word" one "that I taught you yesterday!"

The son opened his eyes wide in surprise and said, "overnight, you have grown so big?" ! "

Refuse to say "lose"

There is a man who claims to be famous for playing chess. One day I played chess, but I lost three games in a row. The next day,

Someone asked him, "How many chess games were played yesterday?"

The man replied, "Three sets."

Ask again: "Who wins and who loses?"

Answer: "I didn't win the first game, he didn't lose the second game, and I wanted to draw the third game, but he refused."

Game bragging

A said, "I have a big drum at home. Every time I hit it, Fiona Fang can hear it within a hundred miles. "

B said, "My family has a cow. Standing in Jiang Nanan, I can drink water, and my head can always reach Jiangbei. "

A shook his head again and again and said, "How can there be such a big cow?"

B said, "Without this cow, how can cowhide cover your drum?"

Always take advantage

There is a sharp diamond-shaped man in town. No matter what others have, as long as they see it, they will

Cheap as much as possible. People who know his character will bypass him as long as they have an object in their hands.

Go home. One day, someone walked past his door with a piece of gravel and thought, "He can't touch this thing."

Cheap! "Who knows unexpectedly to" sharp drill "home, took out a kitchen knife from the kitchen, on the sand.

Grind hard for a few times, then push him away and say, "OK, you can go."

Dream of wine

An alcoholic dreamed of a bottle of wine. He wanted to heat it and drink it. He is going to run into the kitchen to heat the wine and dream.

Woke up. He was very upset and said to himself, "It's a pity that I didn't drink it cold earlier!" " "

Eat puffer fish

It is said that puffer fish tastes delicious and the meat is tender, so the couple specially bought a few and cooked them.

I was about to taste it when I suddenly remembered that eating puffer fish might kill me by poisoning. So, the husband told his wife to eat first, and the wife

The son wants the husband to eat first. Later, the wife was very stubborn about her husband and had to eat first. When she lifted the chopsticks to pick up the fish, she said with tears:

"I ate first, but please take good care of your two children. Never buy a river when they grow up.

Dolphins eat. "

Military attache patrols at night

The military attache patrolled at night and met a man who came back late and claimed to be a scholar. The military attache said, "Since I am studying,

Dude, I'll give you a test. "

The scholar said, "Please make a question."

The military attache thought for a long time, but he couldn't think of the topic. He shouted, "It's really cheap, but fortunately I can't think of it."

Ask a question. "

Red candle on credit

Xiancheng, who is in charge of finance, can't read. Every time he buys something, he draws a shape on the ledger, which is regarded as bookkeeping.

One day, the county magistrate looked at the accounts and saw many pictures painted on them. He was so angry that he drew them with a red pen.

Lots of red stripes. When Xiancheng saw it, he said to the county magistrate, "You bought so many red candles, how can you put them on me?"

On credit? "

Three ears

There is a writer in the yamen who always makes mistakes in writing. Once I copied the roster and put the word "Chen" in my ear.

Write right on the side, and the county official found that he hit it 20 times. After suffering, he thought he was all ears.

The flower root is written on the left. When writing the word "Zheng", write your ear to the left. I got it again.

Twenty boards.

Soon, a man named Nie asked him to write a complaint. He trembled with fear.

Hand way: "no, no" I gave 40 boards and two ears; If you give me this,

People with three ears have to be killed to write! "

Everyone likes to talk big.

The rich man and his three sons love to brag and often call themselves by royal names.

One day, a friend came and the rich man was not at home. The eldest son said, "Dad is out."

The second son asked where his mother was and replied, "Mother is drinking in the imperial garden."

My friend saw that their words were inappropriate and left. If you happen to meet rich people, then tell them one by one.

The rich man asked, "Who said these words?"

The third son behind him interjected, "Maybe two brothers said it."

The friend was even more angry and grabbed three sons and hit them. The rich man quickly advised, "Xianqing, don't be angry. Look at that.

For my sake, leave Huang San alone! "

New clothes are flamboyant

There is a man who likes to show off. One day, I put on new clothes and went out with a very nice boy.

Lest others should not pay attention to his new clothes, he shrugged his shoulders and dangled on the road.

After a long time, I asked extremely, "Has anyone seen my beautiful new clothes?"

The extreme boy replied, "No one has read it yet."

He felt that his shoulders were hunched, so he immediately put them down and said, "Since there is no one yet.

Listen, give me a break. "

Neighbors move

There is a man who likes quiet, but his neighbor is a coppersmith shop and his neighbor is a blacksmith shop. Liang Cong shops all day.

Knock, knock, knock. The noise is very annoying. He said to people, "If the two stores move away, I am willing to pay for hosting a banquet for them."

One day, two bosses said to him, "Let's move." He was so happy that he invited them at once.

I have eaten.

After drinking, he asked, "Where have you moved?"

The coppersmith said, "I moved to the blacksmith's shop."

The blacksmith said, "I moved to the coppersmith's shop."

Quack godson

Quack doctors have cured people to death. The family of the deceased tied him up with a rope and prepared to send him to the government.

Let's go At night, the quack broke free from the rope and fled home. At this time, my son was still studying medical books. ordinary

The doctor quickly said, "son, read the medical book slowly." It is very important to learn to swim first. "

It takes thousands of hands.

There is a barber with poor skills. When shaving, every time the razor cuts the customer's scalp, he

I quickly covered the wound with my finger. Later, there were more and more wounds and ten fingers were cut.

Classics are not enough. He couldn't help thinking angrily, "It's so hard to shave your head. If I were avalokitesvara, I would. "

All right! "

Three-person sleepwalking

Three people sleep in a bed. A person feels a strange itch in his thigh in his sleep, so he shows no mercy.

I did, but I caught another man's leg, and his leg itch couldn't stop, so I used it again.

The man's leg bled because of the hard grasp.

The man felt his legs wet in the middle of Meng Long, and thought that the third man had drowned, so he quickly pushed him up.

To relieve myself.

The third man went out to relieve himself in his sleep. The neighbor is a hotel, and the sound of pressing wine is "tick-tock"

Didi Didi, "he thought it was his own urine and stood until dawn."

Beat half to death

A rich man said to a greedy man, "I'll give you 1000 taels of silver to kill you."

Really? "

The greedy man replied, "I only want 500 taels of silver."

Imperial secretary said, "Why?"

Answer: "Please beat me half to death."

Joint venture brewing

Two people make wine together. A said, "You get out of the rice, I get out of the water."

B said, "The rice is all mine. How to calculate this account in the future? "

A said, "How can I make you suffer? When the wine comes out, just give me back the water and the rest is yours.

All right. "

It's been a year.

At the beginning of the year, a poor teacher went to his boss to teach "University" and went to "Play! Qianwangbu

When you forget this sentence, read it like a word. The master was very knowledgeable and corrected him and said, "Wrong, it's a play, it should be."

Pronunciation is "Whoo-hoo". "This ShuShi listened to the master.

In winter, I taught the Analects of Confucius, and when it was "difficult, though ancient, but close to the play", the teacher remembered it.

After what happened at the beginning of the year, I still read "alas", but the host just listened to it again and said, "There is another mistake here.

Yu should read the original sound here. "

The familiar teacher was angry and said to his friend, "This host is too difficult to talk. He only used the word "play".

From the beginning to the end of the year. "

Confucius lamented that he was old and weak.

A teacher slept in broad daylight, woke up and lied and said, "I dreamed of Duke Zhou."

The next day, the students fell asleep as the teacher did. The teacher woke up the students with a ruler: "What happened to you?"

Stop reading and go to sleep! "

The student said, "I also went to see Duke Zhou."

The teacher said, "What did Duke Zhou say?"

The student replied, "Duke Zhou said he didn't see your teacher yesterday."

Don't go back

A married woman cried so badly on the road that the sedan chair bearer couldn't stand it, so she said to the bride, "Little Niang!

Son, how about I carry you back? "

The bride listened and said, "Don't cry, don't cry now!" " "

Where is Duke Zhou?

A bride who was about to get married asked her sister-in-law tearfully, "Who made this damn marriage system?"

Huh? "

Sister-in-law told her: "It's Duke Zhou." Married women cried and cursed Duke Zhou.

When the bride returned to her family at the full moon, she asked her sister-in-law, "Where is Duke Zhou?"

Sister-in-law asked, "What do you want with him?"

The bride whispered to her sister-in-law, "I want to make a pair of shoes to thank Duke Zhou!" " "

Putaozhanxia

A small official was very afraid of his wife. One day, his wife scratched his face and went to court the next day. When the satrap saw it, he greeted him.

Ask him, "How did you break your face?"

The deacon said falteringly, "I enjoyed the cool last night." The grape rack fell down and scratched the skin. "

The guard didn't believe it and said, "This must be your wife's scratch. That's not bad. Give it to me quickly

This woman arrested don. "

Unexpectedly, Mrs. Taishou heard it in the backyard and rushed to the class, which showed her ferocity. When the satrap saw it,

He also panicked and quickly said to the clerk, "Why don't you retire temporarily? Easy to consult Myna salted duck is a disaster br/>; Yes. "

grit/clench/set one's teeth

There are two aunts who are widowed because of the dead men. My aunt often says to her sister-in-law, "You should take a bite to make a lonely gall cream."

Grit your teeth and live. "

Before long, menstruation was secretly having an affair with someone. When her sister-in-law found out, she told herself what her sister-in-law had said.

Words to blame her. I don't know if my sister-in-law opened her toothless mouth and said, "Look at it, too."

Look, I have to have teeth to bite. "

Sell one's inheritance for a bowl of lentil soup

Someone built a cesspit on the side of the road to take the feces of pedestrians. One day, he saw someone holding clothes in the distance.

It is inferred that this person can urinate. In order to prevent the man from going to the toilet next door, he pretended to have shit and squatted first.

That toilet, the person who urinated really went to the cesspit he built. He happily took out a fart and took it with him.

A little shit came, and he was very sad and sighed regretfully: "Small loss! This is a small loss! "

Trade donkeys for horses.

Someone rode out on a thin donkey and met a man riding a good horse. He got off the donkey quickly and was very polite.

Said, "I'm willing to trade this donkey for your horse."

The rider felt very angry and said, "You are not dementia, are you?"

The donkey rider said, "I think you are indecisive and just want to say that you are insane!" " "

Hold the shoes well.

A woman had an affair with her neighbor at night. Her husband crashed back and her neighbor jumped out of the window. Her husband picked up the neighbor's shoes.

Son, scold his wife angrily and say, "I'll get even with you when I recognize this shoe tomorrow morning!" " "Sleep in shoes.

The doctor didn't know that the wife switched the bag with her husband's shoes while he was asleep. Wake up in the morning, once again

Scold his wife. The wife said, "Look at these shoes."

When the husband saw it, it was his own shoes. He was very sorry: "I was wrong about you, so I jumped last night."

It's me in the window. "

Frozen ice escape

A silly son-in-law went to his mother-in-law's house, and my uncle left a meal and occasionally called him a piece of frozen ice. Silly son-in-law thinks

Delicious, I wrapped a piece of paper around my waist and went home and said to my wife, "You have delicious food at home.

I brought a piece back for you to taste. "Stretched out his hand and touched his waist, and the ice in the paper melted, only feeling a tide.

Wet. Silly son-in-law exclaimed, "This sly thing escaped with a bubble of urine!" "

The reins are too long.

Someone entered the gate with a bamboo pole, but he couldn't get in anyway. It's too bad to cut it off. Just as he was trying to make up his mind, others

He said, "10 miles away, there is an old man named Li San. He is very clever. You can ask him for advice. "

The pole holder is on his way to find it. It happened that someone rode a donkey, walked to the front of the city gate and ran up to meet him happily.

Get him. I saw Li San sitting on the ass of the donkey, panting and struggling.

Someone asked, "Why don't you sit in the middle of the donkey's back?"

Li Sanlao replied, "The reins are too long."

Sanxu zanma

A native of Hangzhou has three sons-in-law. The first two are very smart and talkative, and the little son-in-law is particularly slow.

One day, my father-in-law bought a new horse and ordered three son-in-law to write poems praising the horse. Just describe the speed of the horse,

Write it out, regardless of elegance and vulgarity.

Brother-in-law said: "The golden needle was dug out of the water, and my father-in-law rode under the shade and rode back and forth. The golden needle was not heavy."

My husband praised me.

It was the second son-in-law's turn to say, "Put goose feathers on the fire, and my husband rode to Yuyao and rode back and forth, goose feathers."

It's not burnt yet. "Father-in-law praised again.

Silly son-in-law can't think. When I was in a hurry, I suddenly heard my mother-in-law fart, silly woman.

The husband said, "My mother-in-law farted. My father-in-law rode to Huiji and rode back and forth with his anus still open. "

They are all blind.

The master wanted to install a bolt, but the carpenter put it outside the door.

The host scolded, "Who left the latch outside the door? Are you blind? "

The carpenter refused and said, "You are blind."

The host asked, "How can I say I am blind?"

The carpenter said, "If you have bright eyes, why did you hire me as a blind man?"

Steal national meat

A chef, no matter who he cooks for, always steals something to eat, which gradually becomes a habit.

One day, he cut meat at home, picked some good pieces of meat and wrapped them in a bag of paper.

The wife scolded: "This is your own meat. Why did you steal it? "

The cook suddenly smiled. "I'm used to it!" " "

Track sb.' s companion

Someone dug the ground and got a golden arhat. He was ecstatic. But think about it, there are 18 arhats.

So what! He blamed Lohan Jin, bent his finger and hit him on the head and asked, "Tell me quickly, where is the statue of 17?"

Fang? "

Taitainiu

The county magistrate is a rat. On his birthday, his subordinates pooled their money to cast a golden statue for him in order to please him.

Become a mouse. The county magistrate accepted it happily, and then said, "Do you know? In a few minutes.

Today is my wife's birthday. She belongs to the cow! "

Noisy and quiet

The two brothers farmed together, and the elder brother called the younger brother home for dinner. The younger brother shouted, "Wait for me!"

Hide the hoe in the field and go back. "

While eating, the elder brother took care of his younger brother and said, "You can't make a hullabaloo about hiding things, or you will."

Easy to be known and easy to be stolen. "

The younger brother nodded and said, "I see."

After dinner, my brother went to the fields first. When he lost his hoe, he hurried home and whispered in his brother's ear.

He said quietly, "The hoe was stolen."

Ghosts visit famous doctors

Hades sent a child to visit a famous doctor and said, "There is no ghost in front of the door." Here comes the little devil.

I have traveled all over the world, but every time I pass a doctor's door, I always see many ghosts gathering there. most

After that, there was only one family left, and there was only one ghost walking in front of the door. The kid thought, "It's settled here.

He is a famous doctor. "Ask carefully just know, that's just listed doctor yesterday.

The stiff silkworm is alive.

There is a doctor who knows nothing about drugs.

One day, suddenly someone came to ask for medicine. He opened the medicine cabinet and saw many moths. People ask:

"What is this?"

The doctor replied, "It's a zombie."

"Why is it still alive when it is a zombie?"

The doctor replied, "Duan took my medicine."

Non-birds and non-animals

On the birthday of the Phoenix, all the birds go to worship, except the bat. Phoenix scolded 1, "your position.

Why are you so arrogant under me? "

The bat replied, "I have feet and belong to an animal." Why should I worship you? "

After a while, Kirin had a birthday, and all the animals went to worship, but the bat didn't. Kirin also accused

it ...

The bat said, "I have wings and belong to birds." Why should I congratulate you? "

Later, Kirin and Phoenix met and talked about it with great emotion: "The atmosphere in the world is very bad now."

It is really helpless to see such a thing that is neither a bird nor an animal! "

Have parents?

A bookworm asked him to wait in the shop while his father was out. Soon, a buyer came,

Ask him: "Does Zun Weng have it?"

The bookworm said, "No."

In the evening, when the father learned of this, he said to his son, "Respecting Weng means respecting me, respecting the hall, and so on."

It means your mother. How can you refuse? "

The idiot was reprimanded and said, "Who knew you were both for sale?"

Stupid words

The son-in-law is a famous fool. Once I went to my uncle's house, he pointed to the willow branches at the door and asked, "This?"

What's the use of things? "

The stupid husband said, "The tree is big, and the wheels are made."

My brother-in-law praised me: "People say you are stupid, but I think they are stupid!"

After a while, he went to the kitchen again, saw the bowl for grinding sauce, and said, "This bowl is getting bigger.

Stone mortar can also be made. "

Hearing this, my brother-in-law thought it might be dull, but on second thought, my mother-in-law just farted and it was dull.

The son-in-law added, "This fart is bigger, and a thunderbolt will do."

My brother-in-law can't help smiling bitterly.

After being elected president of the United States

Peter, a black buddy from America, told me, "I have to go back to America quickly after the exam." I asked him why he was in such a hurry. He said that I had to go back to prepare for the presidential election before the election and become the first black president in American history.

Looking at his serious appearance, I almost regarded him as a direct descendant of Mandela. I tried not to laugh and asked him, "What do you want to do first when you become president of the United States?"

Peter blurted out without thinking, "First, change the White House into the Black Palace!" " "

[I went in for half an hour and didn't come out]

The keeper of the zoo stood in front of the crocodile, opened his mouth and looked into the crocodile's mouth.

Passers-by tourists asked, "What happened to the crocodile?"

The administrator said, "I don't know yet. After the doctor went to his mouth, he did not come out for half an hour. "

I didn't do anything.

When the husband came home from work, he found the house in a mess: the quilt was not folded, the kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes, the children's clothes, toys and books were everywhere, and the meal was not ready yet.

"What the hell happened?" The husband asked nervously.

The wife said; "Nothing really happened. You always ask me what I do at home every day. Now you understand ... I did nothing today. "

Do you really want it?

He looked at her and she stared at his eyes. The closed mouth kept spitting out three words: "Really?"

He just panicked. Hold the sweat in your hand. My eyes are a little loose, and my lips are trembling slightly. I saw his throat moving up and down: "the last time!" "

Her face turned red. I'm a little shaky. Finally, I threw a square at him and said angrily, "How many times last time?"

He was very excited. Pick up that box quickly.

There are two words on it-"cloud"

Let's get a dog.

My husband had a whim one day: let's get a dog.

Me: Are you responsible for preparing food for it?

Husband: won't it eat by itself?

Me: Are you responsible for cleaning up its feces?

Husband: won't it learn to go to the toilet by itself?

Me: Are you in charge of walking the dog?

Husband: Won't it go out to play by itself?

Me: Then why do you have a dog?

Husband: ... yes, it's good to raise you. You will also cook for me, help me clean up and take me out to play.

[Call Dad]

On the morning of the weekend, my husband was still lying on his back, but my friend Lao Li came to visit. I quickly said to my three-year-old daughter, "Quick, go and call my father. 」

My daughter looked at me, hesitated for a while, walked up to Lao Li and cried timidly, "Dad. 」

count

My son is three years old. He already knows how to count from one to ten, and he also knows that five is bigger than one. I also look for opportunities to teach him at any time and ask him which is bigger, the dog or the kitten.

Once, I took a chocolate in my left hand and two chocolates in my right hand and asked him, "Which side is more?" . My son didn't answer, so I continued to ask patiently. The son burst into tears and said, "There are few faces!" " "

[Wife is a man]

The mother said to her five-year-old son, "Dad said he would hold a dinner party at home tonight to entertain a Yugoslav who has business contacts."

In the evening, the father and the guests stepped into the house, and the child ran into the kitchen and whispered to his mother, "Mom! Come and see, that lady is a man! "

Father and son

One day, the child kept crying. Father said impatiently, can you be quiet for a while?

The child said, didn't you read the instructions the day I was born?

enlightenment education

The kindergarten teacher enlightened the children She took out a map of China and asked, "Who can tell me what this is?"

Only one person replied, "Weather forecast."

The teacher hung up another big picture of Tiananmen Square and asked, "What is this?"

All the children replied: "news broadcast!"

play the piano

Mom: Mute, wash your hands before you can play the piano!

Dumb: Never mind, I'll play black keys!

[What is "but"]

Pupils are telling a story: "A cat becomes a tiger when it sees a mouse, and a mouse when it sees a tiger ..."

He's human. What does this "but" mean?

He thought for a moment and replied, "This is an animal bigger than a cat and smaller than a tiger."

[Tie your shoelaces]

In the street, a little girl walked up to an uncle in police uniform. She looked it up and down, carefully asked:

"Are you a policeman?"

"yes."

"Mom said she would get help from the police no matter what difficulties she encountered, right?"

"Yes!"

"Well," the little girl raised one foot, "please help me tie my shoelaces."

People are not as tall as rubber.

Xiao Huan asked Xiao Shi, "Do you have an adhesive plaster?"

Xiaoshi scratched his head and said apologetically, "I don't have any adhesive plaster!" " "

Xiao Xiao laughed: "You are not as tall as an oak bark!" "

Numeric letters

Someone is a heavy drinker and often fights with others when he is drunk.

One day, he received a letter from his nephew. He opened it, and it was all Arabic numerals: "99:8 1797954. 76229,8406,9405。 79 18934。 1 9 18 17。 "

He read it again and again, but still didn't understand it, so he went to consult the math teacher at school. The teacher looked at it and followed the translation:

"Uncle don't eat wine, drinking will spoil the broth. After drinking two or two glasses of wine, you either get angry or use force. Drinking will kill you. Don't eat any wine. "

It turns out that my nephew advised my uncle to give up drinking with numbers instead of words.

[Longlong buys melons]

People say that Longlong is a clever boy. In the autumn when he was just seven years old, he went to Gua Tian to buy melons himself, and picked a big and good melon to ask for the price.

"That will cost 50 cents." The melon seller said.

"I have a dime now." Longlong said.

"Well," said the melon seller, pointing to a small green melon, "I'll sell you that melon!"

"all right! I want this one, "said Longlong," but you can't take it off now. You can get it in half a month! "