Joke back pot

Last Christmas, Qiuqiu got into trouble and bullied several children much older than him.

Yesterday, mom and dad happily took the ball to Shen's home Waldorf kindergarten to participate in parent-child activities. Don't ask ten-month-old children why they go to kindergarten to participate in activities.

I thought that the ball had just come to a strange environment, and when I was with a group of older children, I would be afraid of life. Who ever wanted to play for ten months and behave freely? He will casually force himself into other people's games, grab other people's children's snacks and toys, even scratch other people's children's faces, and even scratch several two or three-year-old children (OMG) to cry.

Fortunately, other parents are friendly and laugh at the "bullying" behavior of the ball. Comfort the children and it will pass.

I thought it was a trivial matter at first. When we got home, we told this story to our grandparents as a joke, but grandma's reaction was very excited. "How is that possible? This kind of behavior must be disciplined, otherwise there will be no rules. "

In fact, both my mother and I can understand the behavior of the ball. For a ten-month-old baby, the consciousness of "others" has not yet formed. In their minds, the whole world revolves around him. When he wants to eat, he has his mother's nipples. He has a warm bed when he wants to sleep. When he poops, someone will automatically treat him ... In his eyes, other children's snack toys were originally his, and he just took back what he liked. In Wu Zhihong's words, this kind of psychology is called "all-round narcissism", which is normal in infancy.

But this truth, used in a 60-year-old man, how can it make sense? Plus, the ball mom is a hot temper, which immediately triggered war at home. "What is discipline? Do you know the consequences of discipline? " . But in the end, grandma didn't care about it. "You are too spoiled, too indulgent and too irresponsible."

Why don't my mother and I approve of ball control? In children's psychology, there is a term called "compulsive guilt", that is, by exerting external pressure (discipline) on children, they are forced to realize their mistakes and produce superficial guilt.

Psychologists believe that this kind of confession caused by external pressure is completely opposite to "the formation of cognitive sense of wrong behavior"

There are many psychological studies on the harm of this behavior. The following are my own two views:

Let children learn the rules through parental discipline, but don't let children learn the rules of this world. In their eyes, they just need to observe and find out what their parents tell them to do and what not to do. What their parents don't say is where they can play freely.

The "rules" that parents learned by "observing words and feelings" made them lose their "empathy" for others, that is, they did not feel guilty because they hurt each other. Such people usually only know their own feelings, but it is difficult to understand the feelings of others.

In adult social interaction, we often meet such people. Getting well with you makes you feel embarrassed, but once you are not satisfied, it is to completely sever the relationship and die of old age. This kind of person is a sign of lack of empathy.

But the truth is reasonable, and grandma's accusation is not unreasonable. Parents can't be indifferent when children make mistakes. Fortunately, I met some reasonable parents today. What should I do if I meet some parents who are not so good another day?

Steiner, an Austrian sociologist and founder of anthropology, said: "Education starts from the moment when children embarrass us."

Since there is a problem, the ball dad began to think about whether to "manage" or "ignore" this kind of thing in the future.

On this issue, it was grandma's words that helped me clarify the logical essence of this issue. She said:

"Ill-bred" seems to be a question that every parent will ask, but if you think deeply, whose needs need to be met behind this sentence?

But in P.E.T (parent effectiveness training), the most basic skill is to "determine the ownership of the problem". Is this question for parents or children?

To say that a child is ill-bred seems to mean a child, but in fact it means parents. Parenting is the responsibility of parents, and we discipline our children because we can't stand such accusations. This may be the reason why grandma Qiuqiu is so concerned about this matter.

On the issue of "discipline" and "regardless of teaching", it is obviously not a ball problem.

My mother and I accepted the question at the same time. "We can accept that there is something wrong with the ball outside."

But it is possible that the trouble of the ball has affected others, and others do not accept this problem.

So what we have to deal with is the contradictory relationship between us and others, not whether to discipline the ball or not.

Later, my mother and I reached a consensus that we should always be mentally prepared to take the blame for the ball's mistake, apologize to others, accept criticism or accompany the loss, but we should bear the pressure ourselves and not pass it on to the ball just because we are angry.

The specific approach is:

1. Parents should be positive and sincere to the "injured party". After all, the harm and trouble caused to others is a fact, and parents should stand up and take responsibility;

2. It is meaningless to tell the child the truth afterwards. Since it is a shame, don't transfer it to children. If the ball is bigger, you can tell him the facts, such as "Dad apologized to others" and "XX is very angry" ... These are all facts, and other things let the children understand themselves;

3. Gradually teach children a sense of boundary. The root cause of children's troubles is that there is no clear sense of boundary. They don't know that "everything is not their own, and some things belong to others", "others will hurt, and pain is a bad feeling", "hurting others will make others sad" ... Let children have a sense of boundary, and they will naturally know where the rules are. (This is followed by a wonderful practical case. )

In fact, this method was also used by Dad Ball when he was managing the company.

Dad started his business that year and recruited a little girl who just graduated as a copywriter. Because of my junior qualifications, I always can't write well. My dad thought it was normal for people to write badly just after graduation, so he began to teach them by hand. Sometimes I basically dictate, and she just needs to write it down. Over time, I found that, no, I should be instructed to write every time. Did I rent a smart typewriter?

Later, when I came across a project, I thought it was a good opportunity, so I called her to the office, encouraged her "you have been in the company for several months, and the progress is still obvious", then gave him the burden of "I have a project plan recently, and I think you can afford it, so I will give it to you", and finally said "Don't worry, I will take the blame for losing the project".

As a result, this little girl, like a chicken blood, stopped her boyfriend and her menstrual period stopped hurting. She worked overtime for several days in a row, leaving later and coming early than me every day. A week later, she gave me the plan. Although there are still some problems, as the first independent plan, it still exceeds my expectations.

Later, this little girl became the project director for one year, with an annual salary of more than 100,000 yuan. Later, she talked about it and said that I offered to take the blame for her, which made her more courageous to face the problem alone and made her realize that "I can stand up without crutches" in the process of doing this.

The rules we give our children are also crutches for them, so that they can follow the rules of this society without studying. Because we are afraid that once he breaks the rules, we will take the blame. But "crutches" are not their own legs after all. Only when we let them grow their own legs will they run.

In recent days, Dad Ball and Dad Ozawa have been thinking about making an audio program about parenting in two fathers. When chatting with Ozawa's father, they inadvertently talked about a way to establish a sense of rules in the game. Share with you here.

Ozawa's father is a sports youth. He often takes Ozawa (two and a half years old) to participate in sports activities. At home, he often plays "fighting" games with his father and son.

In the process of "fighting", it is inevitable that there will be light and heavy. If Ozawa hurt his father, Ozawa's father said that he would exaggerate and act like he was hurt, saying, "Wow, it hurts. Ozawa hurt his father." If his father hurt Ozawa (unintentionally), he would also sincerely apologize to him.

I said, isn't this to help children establish normal boundaries?

First, he hurt his father. He knew that his father would hurt, and so would others. My actions hurt each other.

Secondly, his father hurt him, and he also knows what it feels like to be hurt, why not hurt others.

Many times, learning rules does not require discipline, and the game itself is a good means.