How many happy jokes, classic quotations, humorous text messages, cold jokes, funny pictures, collection of embarrassing things, and funny videos are there?

1. The second brother in our dormitory is a very dedicated person, including sleeping... One night, everyone was asleep for a long time, and suddenly the second brother fell off the bed, and everyone woke up. But I was too lazy to open my eyes for about five minutes. Just when everyone was about to fall asleep again, they heard the second brother getting up from the ground. Shouted: Damn it, it turns out I fell...

2. Snow White escaped from the palace and came to the forest, where she saw a small wooden house with seven small beds arranged in it. . Snow White lay down and fell asleep. In the evening, the seven dwarfs came back, and Snow White said: "You must be the seven dwarfs in my destiny." The seven people looked at each other, and then said: "You are in the wrong place, we are gourd babies."

< p>3. There are still 100 days left, dear! There are still 100 days left for the pure freshman girl from elementary school to arrive! There are only 100 days left for sophomores to have discounts and promotions, dear! There are only 100 days left for juniors to buy one and get one free, dear! There are only 100 days left for senior women to be sold off the shelves~Dear~! Hold on, dear~

4. The Sixth National Census Office counted the most hilarious names in the country: Liu Chan, Lai Yuejing (still a man), Fan Jian, Ji Congliang, Fan Tong, Xia Jianren, Zhu Yiqun, Qin Shousheng (thanks to his parents who figured it out) Pang Guang, Du Qiyan, Wei Shengjin, Jiao Hougen, Shen Jingbing, Du Ziteng. Number one: Shi Zhenxiang.

5. I was looking at the ceiling at night, and then I calculated with my fingers and predicted that a terrible thing would happen in a few hours - I would be late for work again!

6. When I get off work every day, I especially want to praise myself: Awesome! Just another fucking day!

7. If you gain weight, your man’s love for you will not change, but the average love for each piece of meat will be less...

8. Four days a day and midnight A little later, a friend called and said: "Um, I just saw a missed call from you on my phone from last year, so I called you to ask what's the matter with you?" I was speechless...< /p>

9. See a girl’s signature: When you stretch out your index finger to accuse others, please don’t forget that the other four fingers are pointing at you. ——Girl, this is so good! So profound! So philosophical! I'm just curious, how did your thumb grow?

10. The shortlisted candidates for Dare to Move China in 2012 are: South Korea, Philippines, North Korea, and Japan.

11. Gongsun Ce loved to lick his pen when writing, and one day he licked his mouth black.

Zhan Zhao: Mr. Gongsun, there is something I don’t know whether I should ask< /p>

Gongsun Ce: Just ask!

Zhan Zhao: Did you kiss the adult just now?

Gongsun Ce:...

12. Female: You have to be nice to me, otherwise be careful of my red apricot cheating... Male: You are not pretty either, and your brain is You are not smart, your body is not working hard, and your grains are not separated. Are you sure there is someone on the other side of the wall after you go out?

13. The President of the Philippines visited China in 1987: "At least geographically, those islands are closer to the Philippines." Fight, fight, fight, the vast world is my love..."

14. Weekly work summary of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the People's Republic of China: express dissatisfaction on Monday; protest on Tuesday; strongly condemn on Wednesday ; Strict representations on Thursday; deep regrets on Friday. Closed on Saturday and Sunday. Organize outdoor activities during holidays: go to North Korea to plant rice...

15. Part 2 of "A Bite of China": Winter is coming, and when the people of Nanjing in southeastern my country use blue alum to keep leeks fresh, the North China Plain People in Fucheng, Hebei Province are busy turning old leather shoes into capsules. Not far away in Shijiazhuang, people use Sudan red to make duck eggs with red hearts. People in Shandong Province like to add formaldehyde to cabbage, while people in Liaoning Province like to add some sodium nitrite to bean sprouts. Across the country, delicious gutter oil is becoming popular across China.

16 Someone asked: "If a Taiwanese person said with confidence: 'I am Taiwanese, not Chinese.' How would you answer?" Answer: "You should be more diligent at that time. We are all Taiwanese."

17. Three things for township cadres: eat some, get some, and catch abortions; three things for county-level cadres: sell land, maintain stability, and collect some money; three things for provincial-level cadres: give a speech. , inspect and perform.

There are three things that people should do: contribute money, work hard, and stare blankly.

18. Guo Degang: "Sun Wukong is very stupid and naive. He is just a monkey and can never be a human being. He is guarding the peach garden, and seven fairies come to pick peaches. He shouts, and these 7 The fairy was here, but he turned around to pick peaches! "Yu Qian: "What if it's you?" Guo Degang: "I have to get a basket."

19. Customer. I specially invited me to dinner today to thank me. A year ago, the client's mistress was getting older and she was forced to get married and demanded tens of millions in compensation. I suggested that the client send her to study for a high-end EMBA. He spent 600,000 to send her to study. She suddenly became the heartthrob of the class. Within two months, he stopped talking to my client. - In fact, the inspiration comes from Hong Kong playboy Zhao Shiteng. He said that if you want to get rid of a woman easily, you must introduce her to a man who is better than yourself.

20. I confessed my love to the goddess I have been secretly in love with for a long time. Goddess: I like someone. Me: Who? Goddess: I like someone! Me: Who? Goddess: I like someone! ! ! Me: Who is it? ! Goddess: Sister likes to be single! ! !

Top 20 hilarious jokes that will go viral in May: I won’t dare to expose my dry lulu after watching it!

1. I had a lot of free time at night and sent a message to a female colleague. I wrote: Are you busy? I have opened a room and am waiting for you! She replied: Stop joking. I replied: It’s true. People say your skills are good. I want to try it out. She replied: Where are you? I replied: Happy Landlord, Netcom Zone 1, 12 rooms, 22 tables, come quickly. She replied: Get out...

2. Several students got up late on the day of the exam. They lied and said that the bus tire had a burst and they missed the exam. The professor allowed them to make up the exam and arranged it in a different exam room. There was only one test paper. Question: "Which wheel has a puncture?"

3. Husband: How much blessings did I have to go through in my previous life to find a wife as good as you! Wife: It’s not your blessing, it’s my fault! Husband: .....

4. The teacher said: "Nobita, the teacher will give you 90 yuan, and you can borrow another 10 yuan from Fat Tiger. How much money will you have in total?" Nobita Said: "0 yuan." The teacher said: "You don't understand mathematics at all!" Nobita said: "You don't understand Fat Tiger at all!!"

5. Grandpa KFC said to Ronald McDonald: I can think of it The most romantic thing is to always appear within 300 meters of you, watch you silently, and then sell your chicken wings for a dollar more than you. This is love!

6. A boy said to a girl: "I will chase you, okay?" The girl blushed and said shyly: "I hate it~~ Okay..." The boy said happily: "Then you run!"

< p>7. 127th Road - Forum netizen Awesome discovered that after watching Detective Conan for more than ten years, he just noticed today that the Japanese pronunciation of "I am Kudo Shinichi" turned out to be: o lei wa drum washing machine ~~~~

8. "The Tao can be Tao, but it is not Tao. The things you pursue, care about, and persist in your heart are your Tao. Some people are infatuated all their lives, and they have cultivated the Tao of infatuation; some people are extremely filial. Cultivating it is filial piety; if someone loves killing, cultivating it is the way of killing." I turned to a young man and asked: "Young man, what are you pursuing?" "That's the Tao!" .

9. Discovered a secret. In order to prevent China from competing for hegemony, the United States hired a large number of people to flatter China and deliberately kept China backward, so that its political system would never become the rule of law and democracy. A free country with unclear economic property rights and cultural arrogance and self-indulgence. One ironclad proof is that these people called fifty cents have a headquarters in the United States called the Pentagon.

10. Back then, it became fashionable to read comics in the evening during self-study. One day during the physics evening self-study, the teacher was spitting on the stage. He suddenly rushed to the girl in the back row next to me and confiscated the comic book in the girl's physics book on the spot. The whole class was stunned and exclaimed to the teacher. Practice clairvoyance. Unexpectedly, the teacher said on the spot, "I wanted to cry while reading the physics book, but you actually laughed while reading it!"

11. There is a very tall coconut tree with four kinds of animals, orangutans and orangutans. , monkey, and King Kong climbed up the tree to pick bananas. Which one do you think picked it first? Test the kind of person you are. The answers are: 1. Monkey, the most typical 250; 2. Orangutan, a mentally retarded person with few tendons; 3. Ape, a precursor to Alzheimer's disease; 4. King Kong, a fool whose head was caught in a door.

Have you ever seen bananas growing on coconut trees?

12. A Taotieke netizen posted that there was a buddy who was very serious. Once when he was eating noodles in the cafeteria, he ate an unknown black object, so he reported it to the cafeteria chef. Unexpectedly, he was scolded, so the buddy stayed silent every day. He bought a bowl of noodles, ate it quickly, and then vomited it out in public... After three days, the noodles in the cafeteria could not be sold at all, so on the fourth day, the cafeteria master knelt down and begged him to stop...

13. A couple took the subway to Century Park. After leaving the station, they got into an argument over which entrance was closer. The boyfriend insisted on taking Gate 1, while the girlfriend insisted on taking Gate 2. As a result, the boyfriend had no choice but to ask the staff at the information desk for help. The aunt glanced at the boy and said only: If you want to go to Century Park, go to Exit 1, and if you want a girlfriend, go to Exit 2.

14. Look at the hairstyle, center parting to look at the nose, straight bangs to look at the face shape, slanted bangs to look at the temperament, no bangs to look at the facial features...and I...fit for a mask!

15. A beautiful woman found a super low-cut evening dress at Chanel and tried it on immediately. When she came out, she asked the shop owner: Boss, is this dress too low-cut? Boss: Excuse me, madam, do you have chest hair? The beauty said angrily: What did you say? Why do people have chest hair? Boss: That is indeed too low.

16. In the history class, the teacher asked my deskmate: "Who was the Wing King of the Taiping Rebellion?" The deskmate stood up at a loss, and I reminded him in a low voice: "Shi Dakai, Shi Dakai,... "He said weakly with a confused look on his face: "Is it... 18?" The whole class laughed, and the teacher glanced at him and said: "It's 24..." 17. Yesterday's colleague I bought a BMW X6, which made other colleagues envious. It has a beautiful appearance, fine workmanship, and full horsepower. However, one shortcoming is that the battery is not powerful...

18. A buddy invited me to drink, but everyone Even though I drank too much, he insisted on taking a taxi to take me home. In the car, I kept holding the pull tab on the passenger door. When I walked into a downtown area, I told the driver: "Master, please slow down. It's too fast and I feel uncomfortable." The driver replied helplessly: There's a traffic jam, brother!

19. While eating, my son suddenly left the table and ran to the mirror, pointing at his teeth while nagging angrily. I asked him what he was doing, and my son said funnyly: "My tongue was bitten by my teeth, and I was criticizing it!"

20. I just went to the library and climbed up the dark corridor. , I noticed a fair little boy walking beside me. I deliberately walked to the middle to block his way. He said that the classmate was embarrassed to give way, so I didn't move and continued to block his way. He was stunned for a moment and said that my senior sister had borrowed it, and I was unhappy. I thought, am I the youngest? So I turned around and said to him with a weird smile, can you see me? After being stunned for a few seconds, he turned around and ran away...

Laughing! How many people imagine that every Chinese person can get rich if they give them a dime?

1. A male classmate posted a status: "Brother's smile cannot be found on Baidu." The next comment: "Well, Sogou can do it."

2. The farthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death. But I'm standing next to you, and you're playing with your fucking phone.

3. I don’t quite understand when using QQ. During a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade QQ? I don’t know how to pretend to understand. Answer: You uninstall this old one first, and then I’ll tell you how to do it! So, half a minute later, the netizen's avatar turned gray. From then on, this person disappeared...

4. A girl in the dormitory is usually a confused person. Once, this girl took a cup to drink water, and then the whole cup of water was spilled on her. Everyone When I asked her what was wrong, she calmly said: It's okay, I forgot to open my mouth when drinking water.

5. The third child’s computer in the dormitory kept crashing. The sixth child asked: “Is it a complete death?” The third child replied: “Not completely, it’s really annoying.” The sixth child: “Buy a big one” A plastic bag can suffocate a computer to death!” The second person on the side said: “You need a plastic bag? Just put it in the water and drown it!”

6. Ten years of life and death. Vast, Android is booming, Symbian is dead. The low-end market is desolate. Even if you don’t know each other, Nokia is dead, and the Apple King is suddenly back home. ZTE is dear, and Huawei is new. Meizu is innovative. HTC is the leader in mobile phones. The mobile phone industry is changing. Everyone is busy changing careers.

7. Teachers always use wooden barrels when criticizing partial subjects. Talk about things, talk about the shortcomings and other principles.

But...can't you hold the bucket at an angle? He is obviously more talented in certain aspects, but he will not focus on that direction.

8. Xiao Ming heard that he could hook up with a girl easily by installing a certain software on his mobile phone, but after installing it, he couldn't hook up with a girl no matter how he tried to strike up a conversation. So he had an idea and changed his gender to female, and paired it with photos of hot girls to see what other men were like. How to strike up a conversation with yourself and learn from your experience. A week later...he checked into a room with another man.

9. "Tell me what happened on the night of the crime!" "Mr. Bao, that night, everything was pitch dark, and a waning moon hung in the sky..." "You are so bold and cunning. You dare to despise this government and slander the court! Come on, drag me out and beat you up for twenty times!”

10. Little Sunflower’s mother’s class is about to start. The child is coughing a lot, so he probably doesn’t want to go to school. Just give it a beating.

11. It’s so annoying to live in this Tetris building - just as someone moved into the vacant room next door, the entire floor suddenly disappeared!

12. Question: What are the flies thinking about every time they rub their hands there? Netizens answered; It’s singing “Sorry sorry sorry”. . .

13. A gluttonous netizen went to a restaurant for lunch and glanced at the next table. People at the same table were facing the delicious food with their hands on their chests in a prayer gesture. They thought they were meeting religious people. , and after a closer look, I discovered that everyone on your sister’s table was typing with both hands, probably posting on Weibo after taking photos...

14. Gao Fushuai: Mr. Right; Diaosi: Mr. Right-hand

15. After reading the list of 100 writers who copied speeches, a netizen said with relief: Fortunately, Shi Tiesheng was not seen. . .

16. The eight-episode documentary "Chemistry on the Tip of the Tongue" is in preparation: the first episode "Gifts from the Chemical Industry", the second episode "The Story of Poisoned Rice and Poisoned Milk Powder", the third episode "Eating "Through the Periodic Table of Elements", Episode 4 "The Smell of Leather Shoes", Episode 5 "The Secret of the Gutter Oil Workshop", Episode 6 "Pesticides Beyond the Standard", Episode 7 "I Have a Date with Cabbage", Episode 8 "We are not afraid anymore"...

17. Someone on Taotieke asked: "If a Taiwanese person said confidently: 'I am Taiwanese, not Chinese.' How would you answer?" Answer: "You had to work harder, we are all Taiwanese!"

18. How many people have imagined that each Chinese person can make a fortune by donating one yuan to them.

19. Girls often say: Men don’t have a good thing. So when a girl says to you: "You are a good person", you are basically out of luck, because you have officially withdrawn from the ranks of men in her mind, thereby losing the possibility of further development. Only when a girl says to you: "You bastard" do you have any chance.

20. In order to verify whether my father really quit smoking as he said, I didn’t turn off the gas when I went out this morning...