Joke zone! !

Anchor A drunk staggered out of the hotel and said to the two people who were talking, "Hurry up! Take a taxi. "

"You made a mistake. I'm a naval colonel. He is not a taxi driver. "

"Then anchor quickly!"

Drinking in a bar, two old friends met.

"What are you doing here? Do you know that the doctor has forbidden you to drink any more? "

"yes. But you know, that doctor passed away not long ago. "

A drunk is circling a barrel. The policeman came up to him and asked, "Hello! Sir, there you are.

What are you doing in the park? "

"Go home! This fence is quite long. I can turn right when I get to the end. "

I remember twisting at two o'clock in the middle of the night, and my drunken husband came home.

"I have told you again and again that you can't drink more than two bottles of beer outside at a time, and you can't go home more than 10. What are you?

What happened? "The wife is angry.

"Do you really say so? It seems that I am completely finished ... "

On the third day after marriage, his wife told Keita that if he didn't give up drinking, she would run away from home.

Kita told her friend about it.

The friend said, "It seems that your situation must be very difficult."

"Yes," Keita said with a sigh. "It seems that I can only endure loneliness."

No longer "set foot"

A drinker walked into a bar, put his hands on his feet and shouted:

"Dude, give me a good brandy!"

The shopkeeper was very surprised and asked, "Why are you walking like this?"

The drinker replied, "My wife made me swear last night-I will never go to the bar again, and I will keep my promise."

He came out to pee three times. Carl works in the biggest brewery. One day, he accidentally fell into a big basin with 50 thousand liters of beer.

Someone told Ada about this bad thing.

Ada said, "It's terrible. I heard that people can drown soon. "

"Soon? Don't! He came out to pee three times. "

Drunkard's Opinion Child: "Why should I wipe my cotton ball before the injection?"

Father: "That's alcohol. The nurse will get you drunk first, and then the pain will stop. "

Child: "But it still hurts?"

Father: "That's because you can drink a lot."

Don't trust drunkards. "You bastard, why did you get drunk when you came home last night?"

"where! Where am I drunk! " The husband disagreed.

"Don't lie! You admitted it yourself yesterday! "

"You are really ... how can you believe the story of an alcoholic?" The husband complained.

"Andre, I found that you bought an empty bottle car. Who lent you the money? "

"Nobody lent it to me. I bought it with my own cash. "

"Come on, where did you get so much money to buy a car?"

"I took all the empty wine bottles at home to refund the money!"

Late at night, the drunken barber staggered out of the bar on his friend's shoulder. He said to his friend:

"Remember, Jean, no matter what happens in the future, for example, your house is on fire, your wife has run away, and your children.

If you are ill, you can come to me. Dude, if you don't tell me, I'll shave your head and never accept 1 dime ... "

Late at night, a drunken tourist returned to the hotel. After a long time, he cried discontentedly, "Hey! Waiter, you

Is the elevator broken? "

"Sir, the elevator is still in normal operation. It's just that you entered the phone room. "

A drunken man found his way with a bag and staggered along. He walked past a young girl and asked:

"Please tell me, miss. How many bags are there on my forehead? "

"Three." The girl answered timidly.

"Thank you." The drunk muttered, "I have to touch five telephone poles to get home ..."

The top shooter, an alcoholic, saw an astronomy enthusiast on his way home. The man is observing the stars with a telescope on a tripod.

Elephant. The drunkard also leaned in, and through the telescope, all the stars in the sky he saw tilted to one side.

"oh! It's not easy! " The drunk exclaimed in surprise and said to the astronomy enthusiast, "You, I'm sure, must be."

The top shooter in our city. "

Got on the wrong bus again. A man was drunk and got on the wrong bus twice. The third time, he finally got on the right bus. I met a priest in the car. father

Seeing that the man was drunk, he disapprovingly drew a cross on his chest and said:

"Waste of wine and color, my child, is the road to hell!"

"Why, I took the wrong bus again?"

Invite two good friends to a bar for a drink.

"Hey? Didn't the doctor strictly limit you to one drink a day? This is your eighth cup! "

"yes! However, he didn't forbid me to go forward. I am drinking next year's share now! "

I′m on the WAGON. Someone ordered two glasses of wine in the hotel and drank one glass after another. The waiter said:

"You really know how to drink."

The man said, "No! One represents me and one represents my seriously ill friend. "

The next day, the man went to the hotel again and only had one drink this time.

The waiter asked, "Your friend ... is dead?"

He said, "No, I gave up drinking."

Oleg, the son of an alcoholic, came home with a bottle and met Yan Li's father. He had to lie and say, "This bottle of wine is the same as

Ivan bought it together, and half of it is his. "

Father said angrily, "Pour out the other half of the wine for me!" "

Oleg said, "I can't fall, my half is below."

Father was so angry that he grabbed the bottle and threw it out of the window. The bottle broke and the wine spilled all over the floor, but Oleg watched and waited for a while.

Look out the window. Father said, "Why are you still standing at the window on such a cold day?"

Oleg replied, "When the wine freezes, I can take it back to drink!" " "

Half-drunk Henry: "You only drink 2 glasses of white wine every night. Why did you ask for four cups today? "

Bob: "I think two cups is enough, but my wife is still not satisfied."

Henry: "Why is she not satisfied?"

Bob: "Every day when I come home, she always complains about me: Damn it, I'm half drunk again!" " "

After drinking, a man received a phone call from his friend, who was depressed. "I'm really in trouble," he said. "Come on.

Oh, don't forget to bring wine. "

The man hurried to his friend's house with wine. An enter a door he asked:

"What's the matter?"

"I'm out of wine." The friend said.

The Danes are in a small cafe on the outskirts of Paris. A customer drinks brandy glass after glass. Sit next to him and put it in front of him.

The man with a bottle of lemonade couldn't help saying, "Excuse me, do you know that one in three French people gets it because of drinking?"

Liver disease? "

"This has nothing to do with me. I am Danish. "

A passer-by looking for balance asked the drunk, "why are you staring at the ground as if looking for something?" What have you lost? "

The drunk said, "My body is out of balance. I am looking for balance."

Lemons are hard to find. "Doctor, can you tell me: Why do you forget things easily after drinking beer?"

The doctor diagnosed "amnesia". "You must eat more lemons, eat four lemons, 1 bottle of beer!"

"No way! Where can I find 40 lemons every day? "

Four bottles of beer The doctor said discontentedly to the patient, "kovac, you must have drunk a lot of wine again!

Tell me honestly, how much do you drink every day? "

"Four bottles of beer."

"But didn't I tell you that you are only allowed to drink two bottles a day?"

"Yes, but the physician who treated me before you also told me to drink two bottles a day!"

The drunken factory director loudly reprimanded a drunken worker: "If I want to be like you, I will shoot myself!" " "

"Oh, chief ... Sir, if you are as drunk as I am, I'm afraid you can't even hold the gun."

How time flies. Oscar drank a lot while eating in the restaurant. When he suddenly saw the electric fan turning, he exclaimed, "My God!"

Oh, how time flies! "

It is difficult to distinguish the sun from the moon. There is a traveling salesman named Phil. He is an alcoholic. One day, he came to a strange city and stayed in a hotel.

Drink a lot of wine. Walking out of the hotel, he suddenly saw a man who had just come out of the hotel, drinking more than himself. This man is standing on the road.

Among them, he pointed to the sky with his finger: "Excuse me, is that the sun or the moon?"

Phil looked at it, then shook his head and said, "I don't know. I am not a local. "

God is everywhere. A passer-by sat under a walnut tree in the country to have a rest. He saw a watermelon field opposite the tree, with many big watermelons.

He stared at a watermelon, then looked up at the walnut on the tree and said to himself, "Almighty God, how did you create everything?"

Yes! Let the big watermelon grow on the slender vine, but let the small walnut grow on the big tree.

How unfair and reasonable this is! "

Just then, a walnut fell on the head of passers-by. Trembling with fear, thinking that this was God's punishment, he rushed over.

Begging for mercy: "God, please forgive me! I dare not comment on you in the future. You are everywhere, everywhere.

Know that it is wise to do anything. If I let watermelons grow on trees, won't I be finished today? "

The razor is too fast. Someone bought a new razor, only to see that the knife is silver and the blade is fast, and he was very scared. He put the knife on the stone.

Chop indiscriminately. The blade was cut like a sawtooth, and then I used it to shave. As a result, my mouth was full of blood and it hurt.

When others saw it, they said to him, "Your razor is not fast, is it?"

He said, "It's just too fast. Hurry up, I'm afraid even the meat will be scraped off. "

"How do I know which one is right?"

A guest came to Hoja's house. In the evening, the guest woke up and said to Hoja, "Sir, there is a candle on your right. Please pass it."

Give it to me. "

"Are you crazy? How do I know which one is right in this dark? "

Fool Bug A Gaborone lived in an inferior hotel, and the bug disturbed him for a while in the middle of the night. He suddenly got out of bed.

Climb into bed, turn on the light, open the door, slam the door, and tiptoe back to bed gently.

The roommate who was awakened by him looked at him and felt puzzled, but still said to him in a low voice, "I want the bug to break."

I'm already gone. "

Wearing new shoes Hobbes bought a pair of new shoes. He put them in the cupboard and didn't wear them right away. His friend felt very strange and asked

Why doesn't he wear it?

Well, the salesman told me that it would be a little tight in the first few days, so it would take a few days.

Wear it again. "

After a duchess's sightseeing boat was killed in an uninhabited island, it took the rescue team a whole month to reach the uninhabited island by boat.

It's a miracle that only the duchess survived.

After the ship docked, the rescue captain said to his wife, "madam, you are lucky to be safe!" " Husband, the duke will be very happy.

Crazy! "

Madam said, "Madam can't meet people without letters of introduction. Come back tomorrow! "

A lazy man has a lazy man who is not surprised.

My wife wants to shave noodles and let him borrow panels from his neighbor's house.

He said, "if you don't borrow it, cut it on my back!" " "

His wife shaved his back and asked him, "Does it hurt?"

He said, "It hurts, and I'm too lazy to say anything."

There is a lazy man in a beautiful dream, who doesn't want to do anything but get rich. All his possessions are a broken wooden bed with a tile hanging from the bed.

A can of cream.

On this day, the sun was already high, and he was lying in bed with a short stick in his hand, dreaming of making a fortune.

"It's not a problem to sell my can of cream for 5 pesos and then use the money to buy back 5 hens. Hens can lay eggs at least once a year.

200 eggs, of which 100 eggs can hatch chickens. A year later, there will be 500 eggs and 500 chickens. These eggs have nothing to do with

After the chicken is sold, it can be exchanged for 10 female goat, and it can be born twice a year. In five years, I will have more than 100 sheep, and then

Replace these goats with cows, and cows can produce milk and calves. It won't be long before I can ... "

The more he thought about it, the more beautiful it became. He couldn't help dancing. Inadvertently, the short stick in his hand hit the crock, and the crock broke, and the cream

It splashed all over his face. He was so angry that he threw the short stick out of the window and said regretfully, "You beat my good day away."

Yes "

Find a trick. Jack, a slacker, asked others in the shower, "What a nuisance! Why do people take a bath? "

He was told, "I'm afraid of getting the quilt dirty when I sleep."

When washing the quilt, he asked others, "That's long enough. Why do people wash quilts? "

Others told him, "I'm afraid I'll get dirty when I sleep."

Jack clapped his hands and said, "Ha, I have an idea. I don't take a shower or wash the quilt, and no one is afraid of being dirty. "

have you finished? "

A well-matched couple and bride are good at everything except not cleaning up the house. She was always on tenterhooks, but she was relieved at last. Because one day,

At night, her husband boldly shouted in a depressed tone, where is the dust on the table? I remember there was a phone number on it.

Code. "

Cleaning the fallen leaves Wife: "If our marriage is equal, you should sweep away half of the fallen leaves on the ground."

Husband: "The leaves that fell on the ground are yours, dear, and my half is still in the tree."

On a snowy Sunday morning, the couple lay in a soft and warm bed. The wife suggested:

"Let's look at the Sunday special issue here!"

The husband yawned and said, "That's a good idea, but which one of us did you just say' we'?"

5 "Because I am 55 years old, my birthday is May 5, I live on the fifth floor and have five children, so,

At the racecourse, I decided that Horse No.5 would win, and I bet $5. "

"What was the result?"

"Cough! It ran the fifth place ... "

Losing everything Boston is a famous gambler. Once, a neighbor asked his wife, "Your husband went to the casino again last night.

Well, what was the result? "

"The car he took when he went was worth 1 10,000 dollars; The car I took when I came back was worth $654.38 million. "

"oh! He won. "

"Where, when did he take our car; When I went home, I took a bus. "

A corporal, a gambler, transferred his job and brought a note from his former boss to his new boss when he reported for duty: "This man is a gambler, if possible."

Ring, a good soldier. "

The new boss immediately asked the corporal, "What are you betting on?"

"Bet on everything. For example, I bet you have a mole under your right arm. Otherwise, I will deduct your salary for one week.

"good!" The new boss immediately took off his coat to prove that he had no mole, and then took over the corporal's salary for a week. "

Afterwards, he proudly told the corporal's former boss: I cured your gambler! "

"Don't be complacent." The other party replied, "Before he left, he bet me 2000 pounds that he would let you play as soon as he saw you."

Naked, and you let him win the bet "

Bet on a landlord's whim and let the Greek Orthodox priests and Jewish scribes in his village reply. Who can't answer another question first?

Whose head was cut off. Jewish scribes are unwilling to gamble with their lives. A Jewish coachman who hardly knew a word confessed himself.

Be brave to replace the Jewish scribes. But he asked the first question. The priest saw that his opponent was such an incompetent person.

I agreed without thinking. The coachman asked, "What does einei jodea (Hebrew: I don't know) mean?"

The priest who knew Hebrew immediately replied, "I don't know." -That would kill his head.

All Jews admire the brilliant idea that this talented coachman came up with. They all want to know, "How did you come up with it?"

Yes! "

The coachman explained, "Here's the thing. A few years ago, I asked the rabbi, what does eineiAjodea mean? sir

I don't know. So I don't think even the rabbi knows, and the priest won't know. "

My husband likes gambling very much, and valuable things at home have long been pawned. One day, the wife said to her husband, "You won't take me.

Why don't you mortgage the gambling book? "

"Of course not, I won't mortgage anything worthless."

Captain's defense "Captain Jackson, you are accused of escaping from the enemy's powerful fire. You started a small company. "

Pity. Do you plead guilty? "

"no! Never! Because this is not true. "

"So what is the truth?"

"The fact is that deserters only account for a small part of my company, and the other half is that I sent them to recover those cowards.

Let's go I ran behind them and supervised them to prevent them from running away with those cowards. "

The commander of the dog guard asked the scouts to find out whether there was a bridge for the troops to cross ahead.

The scouts found the situation and came back to report: "There is a bridge for tanks and artillery units to pass through, not for infantry."

Yes. "

The commander lost his temper: "Nonsense!"

Scout: "absolutely not!" Because there is a big dog sitting on the bridge! "

An advertisement for volunteers in a western country reads: "It is better to jump off the plane than to join paratroopers."

This road is dangerous. Someone wrote under the advertisement: "I want to attend, but the recruitment office is across the street." "

A timid hunter in the African jungle. The local people said to the hunting tourists from Europe, "Sir, I found it in the north not far from here."

Saw the tiger's footprints. "

"Too good, thank you. By the way, where is the way south from here? "

There are only four parachutes. There are five people on a plane: pilot, priest, wise man, businessman and mountaineer. The pilot suddenly ran into a passenger.

The cabin announced that there was something wrong with the plane and apologized that there were only four parachutes on board, but he needed to report the crash to the ground.

Because, he said, he jumped out of the hatch with his parachute.

The priest said that he would save the souls of 5000 believers in the parish. God's trust was inviolable, so he grabbed the second umbrella and jumped out of the cabin.

The wise man claimed that he would take part in the world intelligence contest soon, and he must cherish his life for the honor of his motherland. say

Say that finish, grabbed a bag and jumped out.

The businessman asked the mountaineer sadly what to do. The athlete smiled and replied, "Don't worry, the smart man took it away."

This is my backpack. "

Second, three people went bear hunting together and spent the night in a small room. Everyone said they were good hunters.

Early the next morning, one of them slipped out quietly and wanted to do something. Soon he met a really hungry man.

Bear. He was too scared to move for a long time, then dropped his shotgun and turned and ran. The bear chased him as far as the door of the hut. His leg is broken.

Falling softly. The bear rushed up, he flashed, and the bear rushed into the house with empty air.

Men's brains come quickly. Seeing this, he immediately locked the door from the outside and shouted, "Guys, this is the first time I caught it."

First, you skin it. I'll get the second one now! "

A man looked at the wedding photo of a miser for a long time and asked inexplicably, "Why do you keep your distance from your wife?"

What about divorce? "

"This is not for the future," said the miser. "If one thousand divorce, just cut the photos.

Isn't that enough? "

Refusing to donate, the fundraising Committee of a charity asked a wealthy businessman to donate: "Sir, you are so rich, it is simply light to do something good."

And easy. "

"You don't know my situation," said the rich man. "My 9 1 year-old mother has been in the hospital for 5 years. My daughter is a widow.

Help, but also raise 5 children; The two brothers owe the government a large amount of tax again. "

Hear this, fund-raiser. Apologize again and again and say, "I really didn't know you had such a big burden."

"No," said the rich man. "I just want to tell you that I don't give them money. How can I give it to you? "

Buying a car The miser wants to buy an old car. In the market, he bargained with the shopkeeper for a long time and finally reached a settlement. Finally, he

Q: "Tell me, is this car expensive?"

"How is that possible! You can rest assured of that. I tried it, and it doesn't use a spoonful of gasoline every 100 km. "

The miser finally understood. After a while, he ran over and asked the shopkeeper, "You haven't told me what it is."

Where is the spoon? Is it a spoon or a teaspoon? "

Two misers who threw themselves into the river met on the road.

"Where are you going?" One asked.

"I don't want to live, go jump into the river."

"Are you silly? Why are you still wearing new clothes? "

The miser's son said to his father, "Can you give me some shillings?" Tomorrow, the teacher will take us to the zoo to see pythons.

Snakes. "

"Why do you want to spend that money! Just take my magnifying glass and go to the river to see the earthworm. "

The doctor made a house call in the middle of the night and came to the miser's house, only to find that he was not seriously ill.

"Why did you find me in the middle of the night? You have nothing serious! "

"As far as I know, the telephone office works at leisure in the middle of the night, and users only charge half the fee for making long-distance calls. Doctor, in the meantime,

There are certainly not many things to do, and the fees should naturally be this standard. "

A miser who pays his bills walked into the police station. He said to the policeman on duty, "Sir, I want to register my children. Please register a ... "

"Go ahead, the child's name."

"His name is chuck. How much does it cost to register an account? "

"No need to pay."

"Thank you! Then I have to report to the other Jack. They are twins. "

Mrs Scrooge's anecdote party has been going on for half a day, and Mrs Scrooge has just arrived.

"Where have you been?" People asked her.

"I stayed in the cosmetics store for more than 2 hours."

"Is it a shopping line?"

"No, I'm waiting for my skirt to be smoked by the perfume in the store."

The miser said to his son who was at school, "Go and tell your teacher that we don't want money for the world map, just call me."

Our family will never go anywhere in our life. "

Only send ten shillings to the son in love, and write to the miser's father: "Dear Dad: If you still love me, please send me twenty shillings."

Yes, I want to take an engagement photo with my fiancee and send it to you. "

Father wrote back and said, "Dear child, I want to send you 10 shilling. You just need to send me a photo of your fiancee. "

Well, as for you, I can remember your face without photos. "

Kindness in front of the lady's door, a beggar begged the hostess to say, "lady, I haven't seen meat for a whole week."

"Merlin," the lady called the servant, "bring this man a plate of meat pie quickly."

The rope money for hanging a Gabrovo man was tired of life and decided to hang himself. Just as his feet were hanging in the air and his eyes were staring at death.

Wait, his servant just came, cut the rope and saved him.

When the salary was paid at the end of the month, the servant took the money, counted it, and it was 4 leva less than his due, so he asked the boss what was going on.

Unexpectedly, the boss said, "I'll buckle you a rope." I hanged myself well. You cut a rope. I only

You can deduct the money from your salary. "

The new is not as good as the old. A neighbor of Gabrovo borrowed a casserole from his house, but unfortunately it was broken. Neighbors are afraid of hurting two people for this matter.

My family is good. I quickly went to the market to buy a bigger and better casserole and returned it. He smiled at the rapper.

The man said, "I'm useless." I smashed your casserole. " But I bought you a new one now. "

Unexpectedly, the other party said unhappily, "New, no! ..... Do you know how much oil a new casserole needs to absorb?

My old one has sucked enough oil! "

A miser's guest When people were talking about a miser, someone asked, "Who has eaten at his table?"

"flies." A poet said.

Gabrovo people agreed that all Gabrovo people decided to take February 29th as their naming day. Because it will take four years to repeat this day.

Second, you can save a lot of social activities. Plus, the city's naming day is the same day, and no one needs to invite anyone.

Li Wei, a stingy business consultant at the ceremony, wanted to celebrate the 50th anniversary of his company, so he said to his agent, Chloe Suo Na, "You!

Listen carefully, I want to celebrate the anniversary of the founding of our company. Must be eye-catching, the staff is happy, but, no.

Spend a penny. "

Clouseau went on to say, "Mr. business consultant, you can hang yourself!" This is very eye-catching and it doesn't cost a penny.

Your staff will be very happy. "

Why is it not worth mentioning? "Did you save my child when he fell into the water?" The miser asked a college student.

"Yes, Sir. This is not worth mentioning. At that time, anyone who encountered that kind of thing would do it. "

"How insignificant? The child's hat has not been found yet! "

Someone asked the miser, "What are you doing?"

"I'm learning Braille."

"Why do you want to learn Braille? Is your eyesight failing? "

"That's not. I just want to save some electricity when reading at night. "

A miser is going to America by boat. What can be done to reduce travel costs? Finally, he begged for a train to America.

The captain of this ship. The captain promised to find him anywhere on the ship. In this way, he crossed the Atlantic without spending much money.

When the ship reached the other shore, the miser suddenly found several divers coming out of the bottom of the water crawling towards the shore. Miser immediately said

Regret, he said discontentedly to the conductor: "You should give me back the fare!" " ! Why didn't you tell me beforehand, by sea?

Can you come to America in the end? "

Letters from Readers The editorial department of Edinburgh Newspaper received a letter from readers, which said, "Mr. Editor, if you continue to publish,

The story of a miser, I won't subscribe to your newspaper any more. Because my neighbor is very interested in this series, he

Borrow it from me every day. I'm sorry not to lend it to him. "

Borrowing a Hammer Long ago, there were two neighbors, one named Sato and the other named Aoki.

One day, Sato asked his servant to borrow a hammer from Aoki's house. The servant came to Aoki's house next door: "Sorry, my master wants to borrow it from you."

Hammer, knock some nails. "

"Ok, ok, is that nail iron or wood?"

"It's a nail."

Hearing the nail, Aoki snorted and said, "It's a pity that the hammer has just been borrowed."

The servant who returned empty-handed told his master what had happened. Sato shouted loudly: "There are such misers in the world! nail

I also want to ask about iron and wood. I don't want to borrow a hammer. It seems to break when I use it. I have no choice but to take it myself.

Here comes my hammer. "

Who pays the phone bill? Jackson threw away the magazine angrily and said, "I really want to know who is making up these stories to laugh at us in Scotland."

How stingy people are. ""Well, you can call the editorial department of this magazine and ask. "Give it to the person next to you.

He suggested.

"What's the name? Who will pay the phone bill for me? " Jackson said angrily.

A town decided to raise money to build a public swimming pool. The fundraiser came to Mahta's house and said:

"Uncle Mahta, do you also contribute to our swimming pool?"

"Of course, of course!" With that, Mahta went to fetch a bucket of water for the newcomer.

- ||

Foreign language volume of humor encyclopedia

Comprehensive article

Young girls are quiet and ignorant.

People long to be with others when they are lonely, and they also long for loneliness when they are with others. mention

After all, people are like this.

An Indian set off firecrackers when his first child was born. Amid the firecrackers, two children were talking downstairs: "Lou!" "

What happened in the classroom? "

"Population explosion."

There is a slogan in the maternity ward: "The first 5 minutes of life are the most dangerous."

Someone added: "The last five minutes of life are also dangerous."

Father Ming Shou: "Madam, do you know why God made you live to be 92?"

Madam: "I think he may be testing the patience of my relatives."

Guess the age from crow's feet man: "Miss, how old are you?"

Woman: "Guess!"

Man: "25 years old?"

Woman: "Exactly. That's right. How do you know? "

Man: "I count because you have 25 crow's feet."