Classic humorous jokes of husband and wife

Humor is a gift, a strength, or a civilization created by human beings in the face of life difficulties. I collected some humorous jokes for you. Let's have a look.

Boutique husband and wife humorous jokes

1) wife: didn't you call me an angel before marriage? Husband:? That's right. ? Wife:? Why don't you pretend to call me now? Husband:? Oh, honey, you should be happy. Now my mind is much more normal. ? Wife (on the boat):? If this ship is going to sink, will you save me or our children first? ? Husband:? Save myself first. ? Wife:? Last night, I had a sweet dream that you promised me a dollar to buy clothes. Honey, can you realize my dream? Husband:? Of course. As luck would have it, I dreamed last night that I gave you a dollar! ?

2) On the bus, a modern girl wore a low-cut dress and an airplane necklace. As soon as a young man got on the bus, he stared at the plane on the neck chain. The girl couldn't help but ask curiously, do you like this necklace, sir? The man replied:? Oh! No, I'm just admiring the airstrip. ?

3) I came home from work in the afternoon as usual, and found my wife in a bad mood that day. The result was an intimate fight and an unhappy attitude. Everything I did was wrong. In the evening, things didn't get better, so I suggested that I go out and pretend to have just arrived home, and then start all over again, and my wife agreed. After I went out, I came in and said, honey, I'm back! ? Where were you just now? She snapped. It's already started. ?

4) A little girl went to the bakery to buy breakfast. She said to the boss: boss! Buy a chocolate doll. Boss: Do you want a boy or a girl? Girl: A boy doll, of course! Because there are a little more places to eat. A loving couple is celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. The middle-aged neighbor who was watching asked the old student first: "Why can you maintain a happy and beautiful marriage for 50 years?" I have never heard you quarrel since I was born. Have you never had any disputes between you? " "The old man said," of course there are disputes, but they will not expand. I learned this truth from my honeymoon trip ... I remember when the traffic was inconvenient, we went to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon, and each of us rented a donkey. Her donkey was obviously lazy and soon rested on the side of the road. I only heard my wife say coldly, "The first time. When the donkey wanted to be lazy for the second time, she pointed to the donkey and said, "This is the second time. 』 ......

5) An old man, it runs in the family! I went home one day and bought one? Bullwhip? Food! When eating, my daughter-in-law thought this dish had a special image and a strange taste. Dad, what is the name of this dish? Unable to explain, my father-in-law said, eat, don't be in such a hurry! ? The daughter-in-law asked again, and the father-in-law had to answer: From animals! ? Daughter-in-law asked: Do you have it with you? Father-in-law replied:? Yes! ? The daughter-in-law asked again:? Do I have it on me? Father-in-law thinks a little and answers:? Sometimes, sometimes not!

6) The favorable comments written by a female buyer to the seller of adult products:? I don't have the strength to write good reviews?

7) ? The ex-girlfriend has a good figure, tall and light. I can easily pick her up and throw her on the bed. Oh, I envy you! What was the result? Um ... . Too hard to leak?

My sister is on a business trip. In the evening, brother-in-law and sister-in-law chat in the living room. My brother-in-law asked: How much is your tax? Sister-in-law blushed and whispered, How much does it cost to sleep with my brother-in-law?

9) The church in the town is damaged, and the pastor hopes that everyone will donate enthusiastically! A young lady came up to the priest and said. I am willing to donate twenty thousand yuan! ? The priest replied:? I'm sorry, miss, but we can't accept your dirty money. We appreciate your kindness! ? At this moment, a group of men behind shouted:? Reverend, take it! That's not dirty money, that's our hard-earned money! ?

10) Female: You rascal, why did you kiss me on the mouth for no reason? M: Sorry! When I was behind you, I saw that your back was no different from my wife's, so please forgive me. If you think this is an insult, you can take revenge.

1 1) I took my five-year-old brother to the movies, and suddenly there was a scene of the hero and heroine making out; They threw their clothes under the bed one by one. I turned my head nervously to see my little brother's reaction, but the situation was not as bad as I thought. Seeing my brother say that he is not convinced: Brother! Why can't they throw clothes and I can't?

12) The ophthalmologist looked at the patient's left eye and said confidently. Obviously, this is not just an eye disease, it reflects that your nervous system, liver, heart and blood circulation have all changed, so I think you need to wait, wait! ? The patient cried: Do you want to see my right eye? My left eye is fake, just a glass ball. ? In biology class, the professor is explaining the structure of sperm. When the professor said that the main component of sperm is glucose, a girl stood up and asked: Why is it not sweet at all? There was silence, and the professor said calmly: Because of the feeling of the tongue, the sweet taste buds are on the tip of the tongue, not at the root of the tongue. ? . . .

13) my buddy told me: hey, it's so hard to be a woman. It hurts when I have my period! ? I want to know? Why do you say that? He looked around and whispered? At noon, I curiously used a sanitary towel and put it under myself. When I tore it off, I tore off countless hairs and screamed with pain. I looked at him piteously and said quietly, son, that thing is attached to underwear. You put it backwards? .

Selected humorous jokes of husband and wife

1) My wife is a twin, but after so many years of care, I kissed my sister-in-law, and in front of my father-in-law, my father-in-law teased me that she was too much alike.

2) In the evening, I had dinner with my sisters in a restaurant. Halfway through, she took out paper to wipe her hands and a pack of sanitary napkins. But she didn't find it. Tear it open and wipe it. I hurried over to catch it. How embarrassing it is to be afraid of being seen by the waiter. As a result, she didn't know what was going on, so she shouted when she saw me grab it. Everyone on the side gathered their eyes! At once, two waiters rushed over and looked quite handsome. Try to stop me. ? Miss, you can't change here! Can't change it! ?

3) A beautiful woman found that lipstick was too heavy, wiped it with a wet tissue and threw it on the road. An old man picked it up, looked at it for a long time and suddenly woke up. He caught up and said, girl, this ultra-thin one is easy to fall off!

4) Two hens were chatting when they saw a rooster coming listlessly. Asked the hens. What happened? No spirit? The rooster said, do some business! ? The hen asked, what business are you tired of? The rooster said shyly, huh? Sell chicken essence

5) One day, my wife dug out a photo of a beautiful woman in an old book of mine and asked me for it. I said quietly. Oh, this is my junior high school classmate. We used to be kicking wives. Half a minute later, I was dying on the ground and spit out two words? Deskmate ~ ~ ~?

6) In the shade of the hospital, a couple are hugging and kissing. A doctor saw it and went over to the man and said, you are so stupid. You should put her flat on the ground for artificial respiration. Go away and let me do it. ?

7) A lady walks into a sex shop and wants to buy a vibrator. The boss said: it's all on it, tame it yourself. After careful selection, the woman said, I want the red one! ? The boss took one look and said? Miss, that's a fire extinguisher! ? .

8) In the morning, the Internet cafe just opened and the waitress was mopping the floor. Xiaoming is here. Xiaoming:? Can I go now? Miss:? Don't leave until I'm finished taking it off. ? Xiaoming:? Then I'll take it off for you. You told me to get on the bus quickly. I'll take it off under you first. Come on! Lift your legs. ?

A truck driver with his pet parrot is carrying a truck full of hens. On the road, the truck driver was lonely. Suddenly, a young girl on the roadside beckoned for a ride, and the driver readily agreed. On the way, the driver was dishonest and groped, and the girl was furious. Driver threat: Do you want to touch it or not? Go down without touching. ? When the girl got off the bus, the driver had nowhere to vent his anger and threw the parrot into the trunk. On the way, the driver suddenly found the hen jumping out of the car. It was strange, so he stopped to see what had happened. At this time, there was only a hen and a pet parrot left in the carriage, and only the parrot said to the hen. Do you want to touch it or not? Go down without touching. ?

10) I just went to work, and every time I turned around, I met a man with bedroom eyes. One night, I received a text message from this man:? Are you free tonight? Be wary and answer in four words:? What do you want? . Not long after, a short message flashed on my mobile phone, just one word:? Think? . Don't mention how wronged you are.

1 1) granddaughter: grandpa, is it true that wearing miniskirts affects your health? Grandpa: Yes, look at the lady sitting there in a mini skirt. My blood pressure went up as soon as she changed her posture.

12) Maid A: Pity me. Do I have to keep talking every day? Yes, madam; Yes, ma 'am? . Maid B: I'm even worse. I have to talk nonstop every day? No, sir; No, sir? .

Classic couple humor jokes

1) A woman just gave birth to a baby, and her milk was too rich and bloated, but her son was almost asleep and couldn't find a breast pump. In desperation, she asked her husband to help her suck milk. It happened that an intern male doctor saw it and said, excuse me, madam, I don't know if you have the wrong baby.

2) "Son, you really gave your father a long face. You can't take the exam, can you Why write couplets on the test paper? The first part: It is too difficult for my son to write the questions. Bottom line: Sun Tzu's invigilation is too strict. Horizontal criticism: I won't. Your head teacher invited me to the office. I smiled when I saw the test paper. The teacher stared at me! A beautiful woman decided to spend a lot of money to lose weight. Spent hundreds of thousands, she felt very satisfied! On the way home, at the newsstand, she bought a newspaper and asked the boss when to change the money. Excuse me, how old am I? The boss said: She is so happy! Then she went to work as a laborer's salesman and asked the lady at the counter the same question. The young lady said: I guess she is so happy: no way! In high spirits, she went to Uni-President Supermarket on the corner and bought a pack of chewing gum. She couldn't help asking the counter lady there. Miss said: well, I guess she is too proud: thank you! While waiting for the bus, she asked the old man next to her. The old man said: I am blind, I can't see. However, there is one way to be sure when you are young. If you let me put my hand into your bra, I can definitely know your age ... "

3) A colleague divorced because he came home from a business trip and found his wife cheating. I asked him how he found out. He said: through condoms. I asked:? Why? There is no shortage of condoms. I kept it when I left and when I came back. ? What the hell was that? . ? I was Jasper when I left, and Durex when I came back.

4) When I first started working, I went to a far place on business. The first time I invited someone to dinner, I asked the waiter: Do you have sanitary napkins? The waiter opened his eyes wide, and the thief said, What? I repeated it again:? Sanitary napkins! ? The waiter said with a red face, we don't have it here. We must buy it if you need it. ? I wondered in my heart that the hotel didn't have sanitary napkins, so I made a mistake and bought them. After a long time, the waiter brought a pack of comfort and happiness with a shiny tray. I took the exam. What I wanted to say was napkins. I drank too much.

5) There are two fishermen's brothers, both of whom are married. But the family is poor and can only be together, and the two brothers share a fishing boat. Every night, the husband and wife's life is out of sync, the fishing boat shakes, and the two brothers feel distressed. After thinking for a long time, I reached a tacit understanding: take drinking as the number. Brother or brother said, let's have a drink together! At the same time, one day, after the two brothers finished playing, the younger brother Yu Xing said, Brother! Have another drink together! Brother replied: Brother, just one drink!

6) One day, the director of the Women's Federation came to a village to inspect the work. The following is his speech: Hello, everyone, you have done a good job. I am a lout. How thick is it? Your female village head knows that we talked all night last night. Then she learned my length, and I learned her depth?

7) I went to the qq farm to steal vegetables at three o'clock this morning. It happened that my ex-girlfriend's pomegranate was ripe, so I stole it mercilessly. I didn't expect to get up in the morning to go to work and open the qq space. I saw the message from my ex-girlfriend: If you were so energetic last night, I wouldn't break up with you.

One spring evening, a girl knocked on my door. I asked her who she was, and she shook her head without saying anything and began to take off her clothes. Since then, she will come on time every Wednesday without saying a word. A month later, the girl finally spoke: Director X, can I play this role? I pointed to the floor and said, Director X's house is downstairs, dear! ?

9) A young beauty is getting on the bus in a tight skirt. Because the skirt was too tight to lift her legs and get on the bus, she secretly reached out and unbuttoned a button at the back, but still couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one, or couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one. But I still can't get up. At this time, a man behind him reached out and helped her unbutton a button. When the woman felt it, she turned to scold the man. Rogue! ? The man was very wronged and said:? I'm a gangster? You unbuttoned three buttons in front of me, and I didn't say a word. I only unbuttoned one button! ?

10) A couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help stealing women's hair when they see it is so supple. The woman said sweetly: alas! I hate it! ? The man's heart itched even more, and he stole it again. The woman said, Well, no! ? Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, don't touch it! My wig is falling off! ! ! ?