English humorous short essays

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

First time flying on an airplane

Mr. Johnson had never flown on an airplane before. I have read many reports about aviation accidents. So when a friend invited him to fly in his little plane one day, Mr. Johnson was too worried to accept. But Mr. Johnson was finally convinced and boarded the plane, thanks to repeated assurances from friends that flying was safe.

His friend started the engine and began taxiing down the airport runway. Mr. Johnson heard that the most dangerous parts of flying were takeoff and landing, so he was so scared that he closed his eyes tightly.

After a minute or two, he opened his eyes and looked out the window, and then said to his friend: "Look at those people below, they look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are the ants," replied his friend, "and we are still on the ground.

”

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spitt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favor .

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spitt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind- hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was sitting there on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

Nail or fly?

A bit? An old gentleman with failing eyesight checked into a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. There was a fly on the wall, which he mistook for a nail. He hung the two bottles upwards. The bottles fell and broke, and the wine spilled all over the floor. When a waitress found out what had happened, she took pity on him and decided to do him a favor.

So, when he went for a walk in the rooftop garden the next morning, she hammered a nail into the spot where the fly had stopped.

Here, the old man returned to the room. The smell of spilled wine reminded him of that incident. He looked up at the wall and saw that the fly had stopped there again! He approached lightly and slapped it with all his strength. Hearing a loud shout, the kind-hearted waitress rushed into the room. To her great surprise, the poor old man was sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched, and his right hand was bleeding.

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Hot and Cold

A customer at a Montreal cafeteria turned on a bathroom faucet and was burned by the water. "It's disgusting," he complained, "that the faucet marked C is boiling water."

"But, sir, C stands for Chaude - French for 'hot'. If you live in If you're in Montreal, you need to know this."

"Wait," the customer growled, "the other faucet is also marked C."

"Of course," the manager said. : "It means cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Imitate Birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

Mockingbird

A man wants to be in a Get a job in a stage play. "What can you do?" the person in charge asked.

"Mockingbird," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" the person in charge replied, "You can get a dozen of those people for ten cents."

"Oh, forget it." The actor With that said, he spread his wings and flew out of the window.

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

How did you get here?

One winter morning, an employee explained why he got up forty-five minutes late for work. "It's too slippery outside. Every time I take one step forward, I have to take two steps back."

The boss looked at him suspiciously. "Oh, really? How did you get here?"

"Then I decided to give up," he said, "and I walked home."

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately. , I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

No change required

At the church When I was selling used books at the charity market, I got into an argument with a customer who was about to buy something. He was interested in purchasing the Pocket Arcana Nash Collection, but said it was priced too high at thirty-five cents. Other paperbacks cost only ten or fifteen cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition, that Nash was an interesting poet, and that the asking price was reasonable. He said it was a matter of principle. Finally, I agreed to sell him the book for fifteen cents. He was so proud that he took out a ten-dollar bill to pay the bill. "No need to change the change," he said.

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

Middle Tactics

Three shop owners competing for business rented adjacent shops on an avenue. . Onlookers wait to see the show.

The retailer on the right hung up a huge sign, saying: "Big Sale!" : "Big bargain!" "Big discount!"

The merchant in the middle then prepared a large signboard, which simply said: "Entrance."

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way , sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

The best reward

A naval officer fell from the deck into the sea. He was rescued by a deckhand. The officer asked how he could be rewarded.

"The best thing to do, sir," said the sailor, "is to keep it quiet. If the others knew I saved you, they would throw me over.

”

A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

Wrong

An American, an Englishman and a Canadian died in a car accident. They Arriving at the gates of heaven. There, a drunken St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me five hundred dollars each," he said, "and I will send you back to earth as if nothing had happened." . "

"Deal!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing near the scene, unharmed.

"Where are the others? " asked a doctor.

"Before I left," the American said, "I saw the English bargaining, and the Canadian arguing that his government should pay. This money. "

Imitation

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty, " said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

Imitate

A boy felt a stomachache when he came home from school. "Come on, Sit down and have a snack," Mom said. "Your stomach hurts because your stomach is empty. You'll be fine if you eat something. "

After a while, the boy's father came home from get off work and said he had a headache.

"You have a headache because your head is empty," said his smart son, " Put something in it and it will be fine.

"

Bedtime Prayers

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Bedtime Prayers

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam! "

Bedtime Prayer

Juliet was saying her bedtime prayer. "God, please," she said, "let Naples be the capital of Italy. "

My mother interrupted her and said: "Juliet, why do you ask God to make Naples the capital of Italy? "

Juliet replied: "Because that's what I wrote on the geography paper. ”

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap .

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

Evenly matched

One day a woman saw a mouse scurrying across her kitchen floor. She was so afraid of mice that she rushed out of the house and got on a bus. She went straight to the store. There she bought a mouse trap and the owner told her: "Put some cheese in it and you'll catch the mouse in no time." ”

The woman returned home with the mousetrap, but she found no cheese in the cupboard.

She didn't want to go back to the store because it was already late. So she cut out a picture of cheese from a magazine and put it in the clip.

Amazingly, the picture with cheese worked! The next morning, when the woman went downstairs to the kitchen, she found a picture with a mouse in the mouse trap next to the picture of cheese. Picture!

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student , after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

Class and the stupid donkey

Professor Lowry in Glasgow posted a notice on his door: "Professor Lowry will not see his class today."

After a student read the notice, he wiped Missing the letter "c" (lass: girl).

Later, Professor Lowry came and wanted to make a joke. He erased the letter "l" (ass: stupid donkey).