Looking for books to improve your sense of humor

Book: "Changan Rebellion" and "Three Gates" by Han Han

"Three Lives, Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms"

"Why is the Shengxiao Silent"

p>

Joke:

A woman said to her cheating husband: If you dare to divorce and marry that young goblin, I will marry the goblin’s father. From now on, your son will call you brother-in-law. Gotta call me mom! The husband fainted on the spot and behaved himself from then on...

My wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery and came home a beautiful woman a few days later! When he walked in, he said to his confused husband, "What? You don't recognize me anymore?" The husband was stunned for a moment, and then said in surprise: "Come in, my wife is not at home."

One day I suddenly discovered , I have an eldest aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt, a fifth aunt, but I don’t have a third aunt. So I asked my dad: Why don’t I have a third aunt? I also thought for a moment: Did my third aunt die when she was young? My dad said angrily: Your third aunt is your mother!

A girl met a gangster at night. The gangster asked fiercely: Stop! Why go? The girl didn't want to be robbed of her money, so she said pitifully: Go borrow money. The gangster still asked fiercely: What are you borrowing money for? The girl was afraid of being raped, so she said: She has a sexually transmitted disease and has no money to treat it. The gangster roared: Get out!

Mr. A found that there was often a text message from a stranger on his wife's mobile phone, and the content of each text message was the same: "Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me." One night at 10:30 , Mr. A captured his cheating wife and the man who was having an affair in one fell swoop, and cursed: Fuck, do you think I can’t understand that text message? Read it backwards and it’s “I’ll help you take off your bra at half past ten”!

The boy said to the girl: "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you!" The girl asked strangely: "When did you first see me?" The boy quickly explained: "It was the first day of school. I saw you came to school with your family, and the skirt you wore was so beautiful!!" The girl was furious: "I didn't wear a skirt that day, and the one wearing a skirt was my mother!"

It is said that a thief broke into the bank and finally pried open the safe. He found that there was not a penny in it, but there were some jelly. The thief was puzzled, but he couldn't think of it in vain, so he put the jelly have eaten. The next day, Mr. Thief specially bought a newspaper to see how much impact he could have by stealing from the bank. Hey~ since it made the headlines: The only sperm bank in our city was stolen last night!

The dog proposed to the bear, and the bear said: "I don't want to marry you, I want to marry the cat." The dog asked puzzledly: "Why?" The bear said: "Marry the dog, and I will have children in the future. If I marry a cat, I will give birth to pandas!"

There were three children sitting in front of the clinic - an older boy, a younger boy, and a girl. The nurse asked: Children, where do you feel uncomfortable? Big Boy: I swallowed a glass ball. The nurse asked the other: What about you? Girl: That glass ball is mine. The nurse asked again: Where are you? Little boy: I’ll play next!

Somali pirates: "Three million US dollars, fixed price!" Chinese official: "Two million and a half million!" Pirates: "Do you think I'm stupid? I know you said two hundred and fifty is an insult!" Chinese official: "Three million is three million! But *** must write seven million!" The pirates burst into tears and stretched out their thumbs: "You are still ruthless in robbing money!!!"

A buddy. A new foreigner moved next door. One night the foreigner knocked on the door and asked for help, saying: "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." The guy looked down at his watch and said calmly: "The national TV is at 7 p.m. It will be like this until 7:30."

The priest was playing golf, and the nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, it missed!" He hit it again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD, you missed it again!" the nun said, "God will punish you for swearing as a priest." As soon as she finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death.

The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, I only heard the voice of God coming from the sky: "TMD, I missed it too!"

My 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me, a 20-year-old adult, and kept talking while washing. : "Auntie, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Why are they so small?" The little niece looked at me pitifully and comforted me: "It's okay, mine is small too~"

One day, my younger brother went to play basketball in the primary school affiliated to Normal University. He heard a lower-grade girl asking a lower-grade boy on the playground: "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly: "My mother gives me one day. 3 yuan, two and a half of which I gave you to buy snacks, tell me whether I love you or not!"

The old man divided his inheritance before his death. He said to his eldest son: "Your wife is about to have a baby, so I will leave her bankbook to you." She said to my second son: "You are going to get married soon, so I will leave you the house." Finally, he said to his younger son: "I'm worried about you the most. I don't have a girlfriend now, so I'll leave you the most precious legacy." The younger son was secretly happy, and the old man said: "In my QQ account friend column There are more than 300 young girls, and their number is ******."

In the human body class of the Academy of Fine Arts, a girl threw her pen on the ground angrily while she was drawing, and scolded the male model: "Sometimes they are bigger, and sometimes they are smaller." Yes, why don’t we let people draw it anymore?

A girl bought a designer bag after saving money, and excitedly told her companions: "Look at these two letters, LV! Have you seen them?" My companion said: "Tch, is this the pinyin? I learned it in elementary school, "Donkey"~

Every time my wife and husband quarrel, my wife will run to the toilet and stay there for a long time. This happens many times. , the husband asked his wife curiously: "What are you doing in the toilet? It seems to relieve your anger?" The wife said: "Brushing the toilet!" The husband asked: "Brushing the toilet can also relieve the anger?" The wife said: "I don't know, anyway. All I use is your toothbrush.

The son came home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today." The father was very angry: "Don't call me dad if you get a low grade next time!" "The next day my son came back: "I'm sorry, brother! "

A certain leader set the mistress's phone number in his hand as "Mayor". Every time the mistress called, his wife said: "Hurry! The mayor is calling! After the leader answered the phone: The mayor asked me to go there. Before leaving the house, my wife warned from behind: "Do it well!" "

Xiao Li was going to immigrate to the United States. His boss asked him: "Are you dissatisfied with your salary? "Xiao Li said: "Satisfied. "Not satisfied with your housing?" "Satisfied" "Is it because the Internet environment is not satisfactory?" " "Also satisfied" "Aren't you satisfied with medical treatment and your children's schooling? "Everyone is satisfied!" "Since you are satisfied, why do you want to immigrate?" "Because dissatisfaction is allowed there!" "

Chinese leaders and American leaders are competing to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. The American leader ordered his bodyguard to jump off the 10th floor. The bodyguard knelt down and said, "Don't do this, I still have my family." ". So the US president relented. The Chinese leader ordered the bodyguard to jump down, and the Chinese bodyguard jumped without saying a word. The US president was so frightened that he quickly grabbed him. The Chinese bodyguard said: "Don't do this, I still have my family. "

Jokes: As soon as the director entered the office, the wife of the office director broke in, waving a pair of women's briefs and said to the director: "My husband actually wore women's underwear when he came home at night. You must do it." Take care of it." The director nodded yes repeatedly and stuffed the briefs into his pocket. When he got home at night, the director's wife found the briefs in the director's pocket while doing laundry and said to the director: "Don't make jokes like this in the future. I've been looking for him all day."

The male classmate was on a business trip somewhere, and the female classmate went to see him. The two chatted about salary. The male classmate asked: "How much money do you have after tax? The female classmate blushed and said in a low voice: "Why don't you pay for sleeping with your old classmate? You go to bed first, and I'll take a shower." ”

Someone asked the doctor: “Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?” Doctor: "First, stop drinking." Someone: "I never drink." Doctor: "Second, quit sex." "Someone: "I'm not attractive to women at all. Doctor: "Third, eat less meat."

” Someone: “I’m a vegetarian!” Doctor: "Then why do you live so long?" "

When I got on the plane, I saw a beautiful woman sitting in my seat. So I asked in a gentlemanly manner: Are you a 36A? My sister actually blushed and replied: I... I am a 36B. ... I am Genghis Khan: Sister... I think... I think you misunderstood, I mean my seat is 36A by the window!

Once I went to stay in a hotel, and I was confused at night, and suddenly, I heard someone knocking on the door to ask questions. Woman: Is there anything wrong? Woman: I want to ask the handsome guy, how do you write Kun in Kunming? Me: Oh, the one above is the same as the one below... .(sweat)! Female: How about we have sex? I’m not afraid of the lady, but I’m afraid that the lady will faint.

Men and women classics

1: Forum. Poster: Aren’t you women hot when you wear a bra in the summer? Forum reply: You will get hot if we don’t wear one...

2: Poster: I beat up my dog! It didn’t tell me about the earthquake! , usually screams so happily, but during the earthquake just now, he was sleeping in the nest as if nothing happened! Reply: Alas, after all, they are not biological children...

3: Host: My wife gave birth to a baby girl, she is very cute! , please help me give my daughter a powerful name. Reply: Chengji Sihan.

4: Poster: Give me a woman, and I can create a nation! Well, if I give you a sow, the price of meat will drop next year!

5: Poster: I skipped classes, failed classes, dumped people, got dumped, and got into fights in college! Demerits, demerits... Hey, I've done everything I can do ~ Reply: Have you ever died?

6: Poster: Please describe China's National Seismological Observatory in one sentence Reply: Hindsight. , like a pig beforehand!

7: Let’s tell a story that starts with KB, is funny in the middle, and has a tragic ending. For example, there was a ghost who farted and then died. I went to Sister Furong, fell in love with Sister Furong, and married Sister Furong...

8: Ya Louzhu: Talking to the idiots at work every day makes me feel that my future is very slim... Reply: Be happy for you ~ Because Playing the piano to a cow is not scary, but what is scary is a group of cows playing the piano to you every day!

9: Posted by: A female pineapple vendor in Nantou, Shenzhen bit off the penis of the city manager’s uncle in a fit of desperation... Reply: Humph! If you don’t let me live, I won’t let you enjoy life! ! !

10: Originally Answered: Newton was just lucky enough to discover the law of gravity. If I had been born three hundred years earlier, I could have done it too! Reply: He is indeed the lucky one, because the one that hit him on the head was an apple, and the one that hit the poor poster on the head was either a durian or a coconut...

11: Postmaster: Was he called uncle or miserable? My brother is in trouble? Baoqiang’s reply: Uncle, your brother is out.

12: The host: The city manager has added new weapons to catch stray dogs!

13: Host: Why do more and more people not want children? Rape reply: Senior officials sent from Beijing have said that they should be arrested from childhood.

14: Poster: I met a male netizen today and he kept hinting that he wanted to have sex. I would like to ask: Is it true that the purpose of meeting netizens now is to have sex? Rape reply: Netizens won’t sleep with each other when they meet? Are you kidding, everyone is so busy.

15: Poster: A student has the lowest grades every year and often fights with others. According to the leader’s request, the teacher wants to give students a better listening experience. How should I write a final comment? Violent reply: The student’s grades are stable and his practical ability is strong.

16: Poster: From the Hainan mineral water drinking incident, we can see that China’s food safety is worrying. Mineral water can also kill people? Isn’t there a QS logo? Strong reply: Let me ask you weakly, does QS mean to die?

17: Host: Do you want Li Yuchun or Zhang Ziyi as a man? Rape reply: A rooster or a pheasant, don’t choose either

18: Host: Which one is more cost-effective: raising a dog or raising a man? Rape reply: Auntie, even if you can treat a man like a dog, do you dare to treat a dog like a man?

19: Host: Li Yuchun and Sister Furong fell into the water at the same time. You have a brick in your hand. Who do you hit? Rape reply: Whoever saves will be killed.

20: Poster: I have one million and want to buy a car. Can you give me some advice? 21: Forum owner: Wang Xiaoya and Chen Zhangliang are getting married. Please comment in four words. Forum reply: You have become a good person!

22: Original poster: Do you think I look like Wu Bai? Forum reply: Only half the image! (Two hundred and five!!)

23: Host: Last night when we were walking the dog, our big Tibetan mastiff and a bald wild dog bit each other by the woods. Dry! Unexpectedly, the Tibetan Mastiff was defeated by a straw dog! ! ! Forum ***: ****, before I went bald, they all called me Lion!

24: Host: Guess which country I am a mixed-race child ^_^ Forum reply: Chinese + Transformers!

25: Poster: My girlfriend always says she has small breasts. I think it’s okay. Please ask the GGs on the forum to help identify it ~ Forum ***: I have two pimples on my back!

26: Post owner: If I have 100 million yuan, I can get a loan to buy a house in Tomson Yipin! Forum reply: Yes, but you still have to borrow money to pay the property fee first ~

27: Poster: He made an oath today that I am a part of his life, I am a part of his body, if it is gone He can't live with me~ Forum ***: My ex-boyfriend said the same thing. Later I found out that I was his appendix, appendix, ears, six fingers and other dispensable things!

28: Host: I am so rich, what kind of car should I buy for my nanny? Forum reply: It depends on how the relationship between her and your husband develops ~

29: Original poster: The damn barber shop cut my head badly! Everyone came up with some destructive measures, asking for the greater the damage, the better, and the smaller the noise, the better, because I was going alone. Forum Basement: It was midnight, the moon was dark and the wind was high. Quietly and gently, a man hung himself in front of the barber shop...

30: Posted by: What should I do if I have amnesia? Forum reply: Wouldn’t that be cool? Every morning when I wake up, I find that the person sleeping next to me is a different woman~

31: Host: When you were a child, did you dream about what kind of scene would make you stand out in front of everyone when you grew up? Forum bench: Take a load of dung to the streets, and throw it at anyone you don’t like!

32: Original poster: Why does pol.ice sound the siren when it catches bad guys? Aren't you afraid that the bad guy will run away if you hear him from a distance? Forum ***: The higher-level unit usually notifies the lower-level unit in advance before coming to inspect~

33: Post-owner: Why does the child born have the same surname as the father? Forum ***: Because the money spit out from the ATM belongs to the person who inserted the card.

34: Postmaster: Being handsome is useless—in the end, he won’t be eaten by pawns! Forum reply: Being handsome is accompanied by soldiers, cannonballed, rode on a horse, sat in a car, and has a secret love... Why is there something wrong with being handsome? ! !

35: Poster: Collect the most scolding words without using any curse words.

Forum reply 31: Did your mother throw away the person when she gave birth to you and raise the placenta?

36: Original poster: Why was the Japanese side relatively indifferent when President Hu visited Japan, and even the airport didn’t even hang a welcome sign? Forum ***: How to hang up? Warmly welcome old Chinese friends to Japan?

37: Original poster: I fell in love with a girl who is 6 years younger than me and is still in junior high school. What a sin. Rape reply: It would be really sinful to remove the word "like".

On the 101 bus to work, it was overcrowded. There was a man and a woman close to the door. The man wore glasses, carried a leather bag, and had a frivolous look on his face. The woman looked like a standard OL. The two talked unscrupulously: Man: Is your husband not at home tonight? (It’s a lot quieter around here...)

Female: Well, he is out of town this week.

Male: Then we can have some fun tonight ? (The uncle next door turned to look...)

Female: What do you want to do? (The aunt next door also turned to look...)

Male: Just do it the same way. I'll ask for a room (the middle school student next door also turned around...)

Female: Oh, you ask for a room, I won't come, or I will ask for one (everyone was shocked...)

Male: That's cool , go ahead, I’ll come in and beat you to death (the crowd around me took a breath...)

Female: She thinks I’m easy to bully and says, I don’t know which one to do, and I can’t bear it and don’t ask for mercy (the crowd exudes BS in their eyes) (the light of the car)

Male: No matter how fierce you are, I can only stay with you for one hour, and I have to stay with my girlfriend at night (there is murderous intent in the carriage...)

Female: Shout She comes to have fun together (Faint...)

Male: She only knows how to fight landlords, not mahjong... (all run away)

A man woke up in the morning and found his wife dead. on the bed. He jumped up quickly, ran down the stairs with a pale face and stumbled, shouting: "Amei! Amei!"

The maid replied: "Sir! What's the matter?"

"One boiled egg for breakfast is enough!"

One day, Zhu Zhishan told Tang Bohu: There lived a widow in the back mountain. She had been a widow for three years. She regarded chastity as her life and only raised an eagle to depend on her. If you can deal with this woman, then I, Zhu Zhishan, will admire you. Tang Bohu thought about it and asked Zhu Zhishan to come back in a few days to hear the news. Two days later, it started raining heavily. In the middle of the night, Tang Bohu climbed up the back mountain and arrived at the door of the widow's house. Tang Bohu knocked on the door and asked, "Can you let me take shelter from the rain?" The widow opened the door. It turned out to be Tang Bohu, a talented man from Jiangnan, and she quickly let him in. Tang Bohu came in, thanked him profusely, and then asked, "Can you take off the wet clothes?" When the widow saw that the clothes were all wet, she quickly put the clothes on the stove to dry. At this time, Tang Bohu asked again: "Sister-in-law, I'm thirsty. Can you lend me a ladle so I can drink some water?" The widow quickly gave Tang Bohu a ladle.

Tang Bohu finished drinking the water, looked at how late it was, and asked the widow: "Sister-in-law, can you let me spend the night here?" The widow thought for a while, and it was raining heavily outside, so she agreed. Led Tang Bohu to the guest room, Tang Bohu entered the guest room, was not polite, and fell asleep. At dawn the next day, Tang Bohu got up early and quietly walked into the yard. Sure enough, he saw the eagle that depended on each other. Tang Bohu caught the eagle and plucked out all its feathers; then he returned home without even saying hello to the widow.

A few days later, Tang Bohu and Zhu Zhishan were playing chess at home and heard someone knocking on the door. Zhu Zhishan opened the door, and it turned out to be the widow. As soon as the widow saw Tang Bohu, she yelled in Mandarin: "Tang Bohu, Tang Bohu! You are a scholar from the south of the Yangtze River, a talented man, why did you do such a dirty thing? I thought you were pitiful that day, so you opened the door with kindness. Let you come in. If you want to take shelter from the rain, I will let you take it off. If you want to take it off, I will give it to you. If you want to spend the night, I will let you stay the night. Why did you pluck out all my eagle feathers?"

Zhu Zhishan was dumbfounded...

1 When the nurse saw the patient drinking in the ward, she walked over and whispered: "Be careful. Liver!” The patient smiled and said, “Baby.

”

2. A sister-in-law saw a man who was about to get off the bus drop a pack of cigarettes on the pedal, so she quickly said to the man: Comrade, you dropped your cigarette. ! The man was furious: You just got castrated!

3. A man was constipated when he suddenly saw a man running in. "Brother, I envy you for being so fast. "What are you envious of? She didn't take off her pants."

4. A certain ***, the English name of the next girl to be interviewed is "spring". The secretary wanted to take the opportunity to show off her English proficiency. Shouting: Hi! It’s your turn, the one named “Chun”!

5. The pregnant woman standing on the bus said to the strange man sitting next to her: You don’t know I’m pregnant. The man looked very nervous and said: But the child is not mine!

6. Civilian: Are there military prostitutes in the army? Military: Yes, how can we do this without military discipline? Do you want to pay? Military: How much money do you need? Our military disciplines are all handed down from above.

7. Female secretary: "Boss, your wife called and she said yes." Kiss you on the phone. "Boss: "You collect it for me first, and come over and give it to me later. ”

8. Mrs. Wang was pregnant with quadruplets and showed off to her neighbors everywhere, saying that it was not easy to conceive quadruplets. On average, it takes 60,000 times for one to occur. Mrs. Li was surprised: Then Do you still have time to do housework?

9. The child is thinking about the issue of "heredity and environment". The mother interjects: This question is very simple. Everyone knows that if the child is like his father, it is genetic. ; Like neighbors, that’s the environment.

10. The woman said: Why do you look so old-fashioned? The man said: If you like the RMB, do you still care about the year it was issued?