A collection of super classic funny text messages

1. Wukong held a magnet and pulled it around on the ground. Sha Monk asked: Senior Brother, what are you looking for? Wukong: Hey! I dropped the golden cudgel on the ground before it could grow longer!

2. A group of space tourists landed on a strange planet. Little Leith God warned, "Don't urinate anywhere here. If you are not careful, you will create a new world." ”

3. In the court, Xiaoqiang stood in the dock. The judge asked solemnly: Xiaoqiang, why do you not repent and keep making counterfeit money? Xiaoqiang said aggrievedly: Your Honor, if I could make real coins, would I still make counterfeit coins?

4. During lunch time, Xiao Ming pushed his bowl in front of Xiao Gang next to him: "Try the rice I brought..." Xiao Gang scooped a large spoonful and put it into his mouth. Xiao Ming added: "How is it? It has been stored for two days, can you still eat it?"

6. The girl acted coquettishly to her lover and said: You haven't given me flowers for a long time. The boy said: Ah, what kind of flowers do you like? The girl was angry: We have been together for so long, and you don’t know? I like "having money to spend"!

8. The optometrist teaches the new guy how to price: when he asks how much it costs, you say 600 yuan. If he doesn’t blink, you say this is the price of the frame, and the lens is 400 yuan. , if he still doesn’t blink, you say: one piece.

9. The stallion came to the female donkey excitedly with the divorce certificate and said happily: Hehe! I finally left! The female donkey sighed and said: Hey, we two have been looking forward to this day! Mule! Come here, this is your dad!

11. A middle-aged man was buying underwear. He took a pair of underwear and looked at it carefully, and suddenly asked: Does it look good on it? I heard the saleswoman say angrily: Go home and ask your wife!

13. After my husband came home from get off work, he found his wife lying on the bed. The husband asked earnestly: Wife, are you feeling unwell? My wife nodded. My husband quickly comforted me and said: "Don't worry about cooking, I will carry you to the kitchen in a minute!"

14. On the train, a white man and a black woman were feeding their babies. "Mom, mom," the white baby stopped and said coquettishly, "I want to drink chocolate milk too."

16. The era of exaggeration: a building with about three floors is called a building; a large open space is called a square; a palm-sized turf is called a lawn; a place with a tree is called a garden; a pond with a few flowers is called a garden. Called the garden...

18. A man heard knocking sounds while walking through a cemetery late at night. The more he listened, the more frightened he became. Finally, he saw a man carving a tombstone. He breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other party: It almost scared me to death! What are you doing? Answer: They etched my name wrongly, I will change it!

19. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the jackpot, I will buy all the toilets within a 50-mile radius and eat enough every day! B said: You are too vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!

20. The ant and the elephant got married, but the elephant died within a few days. The ant was very sad, crying and scolding: My dear, why are you walking ahead of me? I don’t have to do anything else, just bury you

23. A certain house has a cat, it’s annoying! Throw it away, and the cat will recognize its home, and it will return on its own after being thrown away several times. One day, a man abandoned his cat while driving. That night he called his wife: Has the cat come home again? The wife said: I'm back! The man shouted: Tell me to answer the phone, I'm lost.

26. A diner called the boss and asked, why are there chicken feathers in this braised chicken nugget? The boss said, this is our anti-counterfeiting mark.

31. In the vast road of life, who can take a few steps forward? The wife needs to be taken care of, and the little secret has to be taken care of. There is someone who cooks at home, someone who looks good at work, someone who is cheap outside, and someone who misses you in the distance. This is the kind of life where happiness is boundless.

33. A camel and an elephant met on the road. The elephant said strangely: Hey, why is your penis growing on your back? How strange.

The camel was unhappy after hearing this and said: Damn it, get away, I won't talk to the thing on my face.

34. A certain gentleman was drunk and accidentally entered the women's restroom and vomited. It happened that a woman was urinating, and a certain gentleman said angrily: "I said I wouldn't drink, so why did I still pour the wine?" ’ The woman stopped hurriedly when she heard the sound, but unexpectedly she choked out a fart. Jun heard the sound and was furious: ‘Who the hell opened another bottle! ’

39. Give you a holiday and you will be happy, give you some sunshine and you will be bright, give you some greetings and you will be warm, give you a top hat and you will be fluttering? I wish you a happy new year and good progress!

40. Love goes through thousands of rivers and mountains, can you please contact me? It’s love all over China, ten text messages are just one piece!

41. Silence, dull eyes, not eating three meals a day, weak limbs, abnormal facial features, not recognizing relatives, incomprehensible, majestic from all sides, unable to sit still, very useless

42. I would like to be a flying bird in the sky. The air pollution is too bad. If we do tree trimming on the ground, deforestation and logging are unreliable. If the people of the world want to be happy, environmental protection must be done first!

43. A man’s love is a matter of affection, a woman’s love is a duty, a man’s love is a talent, and a woman’s love is a nameless thing.

44. I was very happy when I first met you. I didn’t expect you to be so philanthropic, so cruel to leave after cheating, so infatuated to be fascinated by you, so worried when I can’t see you, and so sad that I can’t keep you.

45. I am crazy about you, crazy about you, and my heart breaks for you. Crazy for you, crazy for you, the sea of ??suffering is boundless.

46. If you have level but no temper, you are a saint; if you have level but have temper, you are a wise person; if you have no level but have temper, you are a mediocre person; if you have no level but have temper, you are a bad person.

47. Tips for finding a job: age is a treasure; diploma is indispensable; relationship is the most important; ability is a reference.

48. Four symptoms of the hospital: queuing up for registration, dizziness; doctor’s diagnosis, the goddess scatters flowers; drug charges, smoke and mirrors; long-term treatment, medicine is wasted.

49. How do you express love? The cup is full of wine. I took one mouthful after another, and I wouldn’t let go until I was drunk!

50. Before marriage, I hope that what you have is mine, and what is mine is yours. After marriage, I am sure that what is yours is mine, and what is mine is yours. After divorce, you are still yours and I am still mine. .

51. Searching for you from the southeast to the northwest, following you from front to back, from left to right, falling in love with you in spring, summer, autumn and winter, holding you tightly through wind, rain, thunder and lightning.

52. The crescent moon hangs in the dark night sky, and the white hands hold flowers. The acquaintance between you and me is a myth. Since we all care about each other, why not let’s get married!

53. You are happy and worry-free. I am worried and sad for you. I have also been sad and obsessed with you. I dare not change my heart. Don’t be too suspicious. I took a lot of trouble to write it. I am most afraid that you are unintentional.

54. I am not afraid of the sky or the earth, but I am afraid that the teacher will come to my home. Sit on my bed, drink my tea, and my mother will beat the teacher as soon as he leaves.

55. Man: Miss, I think your eyes look like the moon. Woman: Really? Thank you for the compliment! Where do they look like? Male: One eye resembles the fifteenth grade, and the other eye resembles the first grade of junior high school.

56. How to treat a man correctly: help him spend money when he has money; avoid him when he has no money; follow him when he is prosperous; abandon him when he is frustrated; attack him when he is lonely; leave him when he is desperate; Help him when he commits suicide; torture him when he gets old!

57. I fell in love with you at first sight, and I will never have second thoughts. I am willing to take care of you for three lives. I dreamed of you four times last night. You are so charming that I have no owner. My heart was pounding 7 times and 8 times, and I couldn't calm down. I said 10 words: I sent the wrong message!

58. You stole my love and my heart, my dear, and I decided to take you to court. What crime should I sentence you to? The judge went through all the criminal records and cases, and finally the jury unanimously agreed: I sentence you to me for life.

59. Wine is the essence of food. The more you drink, the younger you become. Wine is the water of the Yangtze River. The more you drink, the more beautiful you become. Wine is dichlorvos. If you are not drunk, I will not be drunk. Who will come to such a wide road? sleep.

60. Hilarious car rear window slogans: "You are the master, you can overtake me", "The first time a female driver gets used to = the devil", a small side posted "mian within a noodle", a big aunt posted "Just think of me as a red light"

61. If you are upset, I am blue; if your heart is bitter, I am sweet; if your heart is sad, I am happy; if you are heartbroken, I am happy. spring.

62. Let me teach you how to identify the direction: When you are in Pan Meichen, face the dawn, Chen Xiaodong is in front, Chen Guanxi is behind, Sun Nan is on the right, and if you don’t know the left, please ask the young and beautiful girl!

63. You are my sun, but it’s a pity that it’s raining; you are the moon in my dream, but it’s a pity that it’s covered by clouds; you are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it’s a pity that it has bloomed; you are the Chang’e from the sky who comes to earth, It's a pity that I hit the ground face first...

64. I wrote your name in the sky and was taken away by the clouds. I wrote your name all over the mountain and was carried away by the wind. I wrote your name all over the street, kao, and I was taken away by the police.

65. My love is empty and my love is empty, and I am wandering in the street; my life is empty and my money is empty, and I am single and working hard; my career is empty and my career is empty, and I am going crazy just thinking about it; my mobile phone is empty and I have no money to recharge, and life is not easy under pressure. ; In short, all four are empty.

66. When the emperor saw his concubine looking sad, he urgently summoned the imperial doctor. The medical prescription was: eight strong men. A few days later, the emperor came out of the palace for a tour. He was overjoyed to see his concubine's face glowing. Suddenly he saw eight thin men standing in front of the palace. Han, who was surprised? The imperial doctor replied: medicine dregs!

67. Someone called his girlfriend to joke: Hello, Xiaoli? If I had a stable, high-paying job and won five million in the lottery, would you marry me? MM: Of course, tell me who you are?

68. The students were training outdoors in a biting cold wind. The instructor asked: Is it cold, everyone? Students: Cold. Instructor: Then run 5 laps. The next day it was cold and windy again. The instructor asked: Is it cold? Student answer: It’s not cold! Instructor: Stand in the military posture for 2 hours.

69. Skipping classes: Hao Di said that everyone is running away to avoid classes; Dabao said that skipping classes is good; Huiren Shenbao said that even if he ran away, I would run away; Melatonin said that if there is no class this year, classes will only be held. Take physical education classes; Colgate says the goal is for no one to take them.

70. Patient: I have insomnia. Doctor: With these medicines, orange can make you dream of Andy Lau; red can make you dream of F4; white can make you dream of Nick Cheung. Patient: What if I take them all? Doctor: Then you can meet Leslie Cheung.

71. The party secretary organized everyone to donate to the Hope Project, but few responded. A boy came with a rice bowl and handed out a hundred-dollar bill. The party secretary was overjoyed and was about to call on everyone to study. The boy: I want to change Give me some change so I can go get some food.

72. The accountant rescued the female star from the fire and politely refused the female star’s offer of dinner and other ways of repaying her. He only asked for an autograph. The female star smiled: Of course! So the accountant produced a blank check.

73. When a stingy young man visited his girlfriend’s house for the first time, he said as soon as he entered: I bought you a watch, but it was accidentally stolen by a thief. My girlfriend said gratefully: Be careful next time. Young man: Humph, next time I won’t bring anything with me and let’s see what he steals.

74. Veteran: The end of the patrol route is the red light, do you understand? Recruit: Got it! Unexpectedly, after the recruit left, he came back three days later with a depressing report: Oh my God, that light was a car taillight, and he actually drove all the way to New York.

75. The naughty Xiao Ming pushed the mobile public toilet near his home into the river. He was beaten by his father at night. His father is not in the tree.

76. During the New Year, the animals gathered for a dinner. The ant, who had a high alcohol capacity, got drunk. A friend asked: How can you still be drunk? Ant: Alas, Centipede’s grandson insists on boxing with me. Damn, there are so many hands and I can’t even see them. I’m really a loser.

77. Useful text messages: A boy sees the girl he likes alone in the playground. While walking, I didn’t know how to strike up a conversation. In a hurry, I picked up something on the ground and chased it, asking: Classmate, did you drop this brick?

78. The little snail shouted: "Oh! I climbed Mount Everest. Dad, where are you?" The old snail replied: "Boy, I just climbed to the Pacific Ocean." It turns out that the two of them are there. on the map.

79. After receiving the newly printed business card, a professional consultant called the manufacturer to report the situation: "My business card was printed as 'Professional Customer Service', and one mouth is missing!" A few days later, he received the new business card. , with "Professional Door Care" printed on it.

80. The elephant and the ant got divorced after two days of marriage. When the judge asked the reason, the ant said: How can we not divorce? It takes 20 minutes to crawl for a kiss! The elephant's airway: Just leave! Just a kiss. After looking for it for a long time with a magnifying glass, I still can't breathe!

81. The young man bought a sofa at cost price and asked to buy a bed at a discounted price. The landlady said angrily: You are so greedy. You just took advantage of me on the sofa, and you want to take advantage of me on the bed!

82. An earthquake survivor was rescued by a Russian rescue team and was interviewed by reporters , thought for a long time and said, "*** The earthquake was so severe! When I was dug out and saw foreigners, I thought I was sent abroad!"

83. The boss took his female secretaries to a banquet. After toasting, the secretary said: We will die together! The boss was displeased and asked her to study more. It's a late night, and the female secretary stays up late reading! Get up in the morning and wake up the boss and say: Your time has come!

85. What is politics? Black. What is power? That's it. What is promotion? Give it away. What is knowledge? Copy it. What is chic? Don't go home. What is impulse? Get drunk. What does it mean to be capable? Blow it.

86. Please be proficient in using addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division in today's society, and you will enjoy it endlessly. That is: use addition to report results, subtraction to accept tasks, multiplication to calculate rewards, and division to check errors...

88. There is a kind of warmth that comes from thinking in the heart; there is a kind of happiness that comes from being killed. Memories; there is a kind of care that transcends the worldly trajectory; there is a kind of warmth in the heart that is as beautiful as a rainbow! I wish you a good mood every day in the new week!

90. The butterfly said to the little bee, "You are so stingy. You pretend to be full of sweet words but are reluctant to say a word to me." The bee said, "Humph, you are still talking about me. The top of your head is so long. Why don’t you send me text messages with two antennas? ”

93. When the marriage law was revised, the typist accidentally changed the code from monogamy to one husband a day. During the deliberation of the National People's Congress Party Committee, it was generally reflected that this article should be changed well and keep pace with the times, but the problem is that the supply of goods will not be available.

95. In a literacy class in the countryside, a female teacher said: One day is one day, one day is one day. An old farmer said: Teacher, we can basically do it day by day, but one day is just one day, I'm afraid it won't be correct.

97. The production team killed the goose and added food to it. The captain wrote the notice and wrote the word "goose" loosely, which became: "In the afternoon, men kill my birds, women pluck my hair, and in the evening, men, women, old and young eat my bird meat." ! You can also eat my bird eggs! The remaining bird feathers will be sold tomorrow."

Organized by: zhl201702