Funny words to comfort the lovelorn

1, eating in a hotel, I was in a hurry, the waiter said enthusiastically; There is no bathroom in our hotel. You can go to the toilet opposite. We have an agreement with them. When you get there, you can say that you are eating!

2. "Daughter, can a person spend enough money outside?" "Mom, don't worry about me, that's enough!" "Oh, that can give me two thousand. I lost at cards these two days. Sorry to find your dad, hehe! "

After the military training, the handsome boy became a migrant worker and the beautiful woman became a cleaner. Adam didn't know Eve, nor did Weaver ever meet Cowherd. Love, life and career start here. I hope everyone will set sail and create the future sky together!

On the way to buy rice at noon today, I saw a man in a suit and tie on the phone, reprimanding all kinds of complaints on the phone. I passed him, only to hear him continue to shout on the phone: I doubt that your understanding ability is not as good as that of a rural woman. I look at myself, but I don't look around. This is the rhythm than me! Suit man, you are a rural woman, and your family is a rural woman. Rural women have recruited you!

The ant said, "What's the use of watching you grow up silly?" The elephant said, "I can pull up the tree with my nose. You can never do it." The ant said, "What's the use? Now rich people do it themselves. "

6. Latest news: On July 23rd, the final result of the investigation of Wenzhou bullet train rear-end collision accident has been announced. The reason is that the railway did not turn sharply, which eventually led to rear-end collision. As for whether you believe it or not, I do.

7, "installation" culture: obviously it is necessary to dress backwards 9; It is obviously necessary to increase the installation of 8; Obviously it is V, but also increase the weight of W; It is clearly Q, and it is necessary to twist the ankle and install G; It's obviously p, but also B.

8. Neighbor Xiaoming came to play. I gave him an apple. He said: My mother said not to eat other people's food casually. I said, I can't see without your mother. Xiao Ming grabbed the apple and said, well, it won't happen again. Give me some more food, and I'll be embarrassed.

9. I once went to the mall to buy silver jewelry. When I arrived at the counter, there was no shop assistant. I asked the salesperson at the next counter,' Excuse me, is the salesperson there?' I saw the man shouting at the back:' The silver-haired prostitute came out to see the guests.'

10, the night is already deep. I woke up from a dream. On the grass in the suburbs, when you approached me slowly, my heart beat wildly. It all came so suddenly that I shouted at a loss ... Mouse!

1 1. I was playing with my husband the night before yesterday. My husband pretended to hit me. The baby stopped his father and said to him, Dad, you can't hit your mother now. Mom has a little sister in her belly. If you hit your mother, you will hit your little sister. I am secretly happy. I didn't hurt the baby in vain, and I didn't show off in an ostentatious manner. The baby continued: My little sister was born. You work hard and work hard. Baby, are you my own? Look at the way my husband shows off in an ostentatious manner.

12, my son reached the age of entering the park, and my mother finally sent him to the kindergarten where my friend was the director. At noon, my mother called a friend: didn't my son cry? The friend said: Your son didn't cry, he made the teacher cry!

13, angry: sleeping. Hungry: sleeping. When you are tired: sleep. When bored: sleeping. Caught a cold: sleeping. You can cure all diseases at once, and you can conquer the world at once. Dude, you can do this. It is simply a "sleeping beauty"!

14, one day, my boyfriend asked: What flowers do you like? Girlfriend: I like two kinds of flowers. Boyfriend: What two kinds? I'll give it to you! Girlfriend bowed her head and whispered: if you have money, spend it casually! Boyfriend: You are so beautiful! Girlfriend: Where am I beautiful? Boyfriend: Nice try!

15, the cold appearance can't cover up your fiery heart; Your unruly long hair can't hide your kind eyes. Kindness requires a bodhisattva heart that benefits all beings. But it's been a long time, big brother. Can you give me two dollars?

16, you are happy and I am happy; If you are unhappy, I will buy you a coke; If you want to be happy, let's be happy together. Don't go behind my back. A person has nothing to do but steal happiness. If you are not happy, I will stand in front of your house and sell coke!

17, a woman has three lovers. One is Gao, the other is Li and the other is Chen. A few months later, the girl gave birth to a son, but the girl didn't know whose son it was. She was worried about the name of the child. A professor named the child Guo Chunhai. I was very happy when I heard about it.

18, a: "My wife often mentions her ex-husband, which is really annoying!" B: "You are lucky. My wife often talks about her future husband!" "

19, rest, work always hurts; Wait a minute, wait a minute, ignore people because of too much entertainment; Entertainment, leisure exercise; Time and time again, today makes you as sweet as honey.

20. Go out to play by bike with classmate XXX. Suddenly the valve core of his car was broken, so I took mine out and put it on him. Later, we rode home happily together.

2 1 At the party, someone introduced me to a new friend, saying that he became a millionaire by speculating in stocks. Wow! Awesome! Admire you! I sat next to him and quietly asked him to teach me the secret. He said to me blankly, "Actually, there is no secret ... I used to be a multimillionaire."

22. She hit me in the mouth yesterday and it's still burning! After the dance, the daughter asked, Dad, can you wait for Tom? Dad deliberately asked his daughter: Why wait for Tom? She replied: He kept stepping on me while dancing, so I waited for him to come out and beat him!

Xiaoming is proud that his father is a great engineer. Xiao Ming: "Do you know the Himalayas? That was built by my father. " Xiaohua: "Do you know the Dead Sea? That was killed by my father. "

24. George wants to go to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer, so he wrote a note: I spit in the cup. He came back and found a sentence added to the paper: I threw up, too.

25. A girl proposed to a young man. The young man said shyly, my penis is a little small. The girl asked: Is it as big as a mushroom? The young man replied: Yes! On the wedding night, the girl rushed out of the new house and sighed! Oh, my God, Flammulina velutipes!

26. I went out to buy food and passed by the supermarket. I bought a bottle of Anmuxi and chatted with the proprietress while drinking. Just then, her little loli came in from the door and saw her coming to me and said, "Auntie, did you often come to my house to drink grandma when you were young, because you didn't?" Because I have nothing to say.

27, a week's salary is the boss, and all the big tickets are thrown into the sky. Two weeks' salary is a hero, and the receipt is brilliant. After three weeks' salary, the poor man was sweating with a few copper coins. Go begging around payday and surround yourself with friends. Moonlight people who feel the same way, please turn around consciously!

28. On the bus, Xiaoming saw a thief stealing a lady's bag. I had a brainwave and said, Mom, you dropped your bag and this uncle picked it up for you. The thief smiled awkwardly and returned the bag to her. When getting off the bus, the lady pulled Xiao Ming off. Xiao Ming said urgently, she is not my mother! The passengers all laughed and said that the child was naughty again. As a result, Xiao Ming was sold to other places to dig coal.

29. If I can travel through time and space, I don't want to go back to 1000 years ago to bring you peerless celadon, nor do I want to go back to 500 years ago to bring you flawless jade. I just want to go back to my childhood with you 20 years ago.

30. The horse said to the mule, "What are you like a donkey and a horse?" The mule looked up. "Didn't you see? I am a half-breed and popular all over the world. "

3 1, the State Sports General Administration asked Liu Xiang and Wang to have a baby and see how fast they can run. Nine months later, Wang gave birth. Xiang asked the nurse, is it a boy or a girl? The nurse panicked and said, I didn't see it clearly. I ran away when I was born!

32. A boy said to the kindergarten teacher, "Teacher, I want to marry Xin Wei." The teacher asked, "Do you know what marriage is?" "Yes, getting married means eating prawns."

33. Dude, can you have a little more? One thing about life 2: confidence and enjoyment; One point of learning 2: work hard; One thing about job 2: responsibility and dedication. Finally, I want to tell you that you need 2 points for my information, and you can reply to me without saying anything …

34. Women want to be young forever. A middle-aged woman went to the hospital to see a doctor. When the doctor asked her age, she said she was 20. Hearing this, the doctor wrote in his diagnosis: articulate, I have lost my memory.

35. The manager is talking to a beautiful girl. "Sorry, swimming is forbidden here ..." "Then why didn't you tell me before I took it?" "We have not banned * * clothing."

36. Some things can't be solved by crying. What's the use of crying? It's useless except detoxification. If tears are a woman's weapon, it is just unbearable for those who face women's tears, and it is not really useful.

37. There is a song that has fooled everyone for more than ten years. I don't believe you sang, "You carry the burden, I will lead the horse ..." Recalling the division of labor in The Journey to the West, Friar Sand carried the burden and Wukong led the way. Who leads the horse? Who sings who is Bajie!

38. Sorry, I accidentally deleted the phone book! Are you Shen Jinbing? Or Liu Mang or Qin Shou? Is that Mei Renxing? If neither, then you must be a pig! Pig head!

39. Do you know why drinking is clinking glasses? Because when drinking, the eyes can see the color of the wine, the nose can smell the wine, the mouth can taste the wine, but the ears can't hear the sound. So drinking and clinking glasses is to compensate for the ears.

40, shopping with my wife, she took a fancy to a bag and insisted on buying it. It's no use buying a few at home. As a result, she came back in a rage and has been playing computer since she got home. She has ignored me for two hours! I can't take it anymore. I coaxed her and agreed to accompany her back to buy that bag. Only then did she delete the wheelchair in the shopping cart. Damn, my heart is still pounding.

4 1, in order not to be bullied, it is best to learn martial arts; In order to avoid detours, you'd better learn to walk the catwalk. In order not to be lonely, I'd better take you away. Sample: I won't scare you, I'll write the word Wang backwards!

42. As God is my witness, my shadow follows you all the time, and my eyes are watching you all the time ... damn it, I mean ... except in the shower!

43. My mother-in-law prefers boys to girls. She said, give me another grandson while you are still young. I was very angry. I was just about to open my mouth to refute, when my four-year-old daughter replied, Grandma, you were born to me. I am younger than my mother.

44. My wife has a good figure. In hot weather, she wears a sleeveless shirt and strapless dress. When she was about to wear an off-the-shoulder dress, my husband: Do you want my permission? At least save some for me, okay?

45. Couples send messages to each other for fun. Boyfriend: Men from all over the world come here to take off their pants, and women from all over the world come to take off your coat and skirt. Guess a place name. The girlfriend replied: Is it the brothel mentioned before? Boyfriend replied: I don't think so! The answer is the toilet!

46. It's cold in late autumn, add clothes in time to avoid catching a cold, go to bed early and get up early, be in good spirits, eat more fruits to prevent autumn dryness, the wind is light and the sky is light, climb the mountain with friends and relatives, and send a text message to express concern. I wish you good health and all the best!

47. In the dining room. Woman: Will you marry me? Male silence. W: Don't think that nobody wants me. If I am angry, I will find someone to marry here! The waiter came over: Miss, you scared away all the guests in our shop.

48. A very hungry cat walked past a fat mouse. Why did the hungry old cat leave without looking at the mouse? The answer is: a blind cat meets a dead mouse.

49. A boy secretly loves a girl and is afraid to confess, so he wrote on a piece of paper: "I like you, can you associate with me?" Let his dog give it to the girl. Soon the dog came back with a note that said, "I don't love dogs!" " "

50. A girl scolded her husband: You have changed, and you have valued your friends all your life. Is it true that when a man gets married, his brain will go wrong? The husband replied: No, men get married because they have brain problems.

5 1. When the emperor saw his concubine's sad face, he called the physician, who opened eight strong men! The emperor was on patrol outside, and when he returned to the palace, he saw the princess radiant, and there were eight thin people kneeling in front of the temple. Emperor: Who is kneeling? Doctor: Slag!

52. I am not perfect, but I am real. In other words, I am not beautiful, but I am cool; I am not rich, but I am happy; I am not successful, but I am confident; I am not sentimental, but I know how to cherish.

A handsome young man walked into an old lady's room. He apologized and said, I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong room. The old lady replied, not necessarily, but forty years late.

When the patient was pushed into the operating room and saw that doctors and nurses were wearing masks, he nervously asked, "Why are you all wearing masks?" "If something goes wrong, no one can recognize it."

I bought a little turtle for my daughter at the end of last year and died during the Spring Festival. I didn't tell her for fear that she would be sad. Just now, she picked up some pebbles and asked me to take them home for the little turtle to eat. I said the little turtle was missing, and she asked why. I said, I'm sorry, my mother raised the little turtle to death. Dudu was silent for a while in tears and said piteously to me: Mom, you should be careful not to raise me to death!

56. A group of foreigners were shopping in China and found a sign at the door that said "Be careful when skating". The international students laughed. People in China are really interesting. Think of this as a roller skating rink. Let's skate carefully!

57. Making money is a science. Please don't stop my studious spirit. Spending money is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing art Although you study hard, you can get the sweetness of art! Although the number of words is scarce, it is enough to express my wishes for blessings! I wish you: career Changhong, happy ever after!

58. You are boiled water, accounting for 70% of my body. You are the air that sucks you into my body all the time. You are three meals, and loving you has become a habit. Today I want to tell you loudly that you are my dish!

59. "Busy" is a weapon of mass destruction in love and is synonymous with "asshole". An "asshole" is someone who perfunctory you with "busy".

60. A couple watched an art exhibition. The highly myopic wife stood in front of a painting for a long time and shouted, Why is this woman so ugly? The husband hurried forward and whispered, honey, this is not a painting, it is a mirror.

6 1, the hotel guest kindly shouted to the owner: "You mixed water into the wine!" "Why are you making such a fuss, man? I didn't ask you to pay the water bill either! "

62. After the princess was awakened by a kiss, she lived happily with the prince forever. She accompanied her king through various invasions, rebellions, economic crises … and repelled the king's lover. She gave birth to five children and brought them up. The king has Alzheimer's disease. She pushed him for a walk in the garden, and their love spread all over the world. After her death, she became a legend, and the epitaph said, "Whoever fucking kisses me again, I will be anxious with him!" "

63. * * * * The standard of a good man: a diploma, two languages, three rooms and two halls; Famous brands in the four seasons, with correct facial features; Six parents don't recognize it, and the monthly salary is 7,000; Exquisite in all directions, nine cigarettes do not touch; Very honest.

64. I miss that you broke the telephone line, burned the mobile phone card, emptied your wallet and took all the sleeping pills. Hey! But I still miss you.

65. The only difference between women and activists is that activists can negotiate.

66.MM told me about KFC's new "bone-to-bone connection" (mutton kebabs are crisp) and asked me to take her to eat. It was extremely hot in Beijing these days, and I was in a daze. When I arrived at the restaurant, I said to the smiling Miss KFC: Please give me two "flesh and blood", thank you! . Shame-_-!

67. You are really good to me. You treat me like a brother. You take good care of me. I want to repay you well. No, I'm eating braised elbow. Come here, come here and help me wash the dishes!

68. In the high school chemistry experiment class, the experiment of replacing silver is being carried out. A classmate shouted, "Teacher! There is really money coming out! " Then he said, "Teacher, why don't you sell money?"

69. The father looked at the test paper in his son's hand and cried, "How can I have a son who is so disappointing?"? This time, I got 0 points. " The son said, "This is the test paper I found when you were a child."

70. "Niu Niu, why are you still dissatisfied with a bunch of snacks?" "Dad said that smoking can relieve my mood when I am unhappy. I eat snacks when I am unhappy, so I have to be unhappy all the time to eat a lot of delicious food. "

7 1. If you were a fish, I would like to become water and let you swim into my heart. If you were water, I would like to become a bowl and put you in my heart. If you were a bowl, I would like to become instant noodles and soak with you every day.

72. A weasel put up a sign at the top of the cliff in Chicken Country: How do you know you are not an eagle if you don't jump? And then wait for dead chickens at the bottom of the cliff every day.

73. A shy boy finally got up the courage to ask his beloved girl: What kind of boy do you like? The girl said: hit it off. The boy asked the same question again and had to say sadly, can't you have a flat head?

74. The old couple strolled in the street with their grandchildren and met a middle-aged woman head on: so cute! How old are you? The old lady answered first: two months and sixty-five.

75. One day, on the bus, a father summed up the legendary swordsman's character for his son: Ling Huchong's martial arts had reached the point of making the finishing touch. Later, his son asked him: Dad, why can you practice the martial arts painted by immortals with a pot on your back?

76. During the May Day holiday, a person traveled by train and his seat was near the corridor. A young man in the middle has been eating melon seeds. There are too many melon seeds. The aunt by the window couldn't stand it anymore and said, handsome boy, eating melon seeds is not as good as our women. The young man said: Uncle, I am a woman!

77. Two horses stood by the road, watching the passing cars. Suddenly, they found that the drivers were wearing belts. One horse said to the other, I know why people don't need us anymore. It turns out that they all pull their own carts!

78. Many people ask what the fuse mechanism means? A securities professional replied: in fact, you took 3000 yuan to play cards, and you were beaten in half an hour, okay! An immediate truce 15 minutes. During this time, you can go to the bank ATM downstairs and withdraw another 5000 yuan. It was all gone as soon as it came up. The winner said: you are too unlucky today, so forget it!

79. This morning, the aunt in charge of boarding checked the hygiene. A buddy in our dormitory refused to get up. Aunt criticized by name on the blackboard: "XXX students in XXX dormitory reacted negatively to the health examination and couldn't get up in bed."

Feifei: "A Ju, where is Qianlie County?" Ah Zhu was surprised: "Why do you ask this?" Feifei: "I told you, don't tell anyone. Someone next door said that Qianlie County sent salt, I want to see it! " "

8 1. A tramp was stopped by a robber while walking at night. The robber waved his dagger and shouted, Want money or die? The tramp was frightened and thought that he couldn't even save one life. Why did he need another life? It is better to be realistic and ask for money. So the tramp said to the robber, Give it back. And asked us for money.

82. Older unmarried men and women are like bus stops, sometimes because they are too comfortable to get off; Sometimes it's because men and women who don't know which platform to get off at and never get married. They are bus drivers.

83. On Tanabata this year, the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl quarreled. Weaver Girl complained: We only say a few words a year, which is too painful. I want to break up with you! Cowherd got angry when he heard it: I also want to send you a text message with my mobile phone, a necessary chat tool for couples! But on this day, there is no cell phone signal!

84. Do you know? When I finished reading the short message you sent me, I suddenly realized how much affection you used for me! Memory is so unforgettable! You can't forget me! I finally decided: turn it off and piss you off!

85. My boyfriend went to a wedding and suddenly the power went out. Everyone is worried that someone is stealing vegetables, so they suggest clapping their hands and singing. Clap your hands, electricity suddenly came. When you look at it, a person is slapping himself with one hand and slapping himself with the other.

86. Mom doesn't mean you. Look at what you are looking for. It's too ugly to understand. I am ashamed if I tell others that this is my son-in-law. ""His family has more than a billion dollars. " "Of course, people don't need to live so vain. Why should they care what other people think? What's more, love is blind, and mom supports you! "

87, ancestral secret recipe, tiger skin cream, specializing in the treatment of intractable diseases in the four seasons, the cream is effective: one is not sleepy in spring, the other is not worried in summer, the third is not bitten by insects in autumn, and the fourth is not frozen in winter. Happy all the year round!

88. Last night, my wife and I went shopping after work. My wife is dumping her bag. Suddenly, these two goods shook the bag in my crotch and turned to me and said, "Honey, do you think you will hit me if I throw it hard?" I said softly, "don't worry, wife, how can I be willing to hit you?" But if you treat my brother like this, he won't blame me for spitting in your face at night! " "Oh, forget it, I have a backache.

89. When my son came home from school in the afternoon, I asked him: What did you learn at school today? The son replied proudly: I not only learned it, but also made sentences, and the teacher praised me. I am happy to ask my son: How do you make sentences? The son replied: My father is not only lucky to play mahjong, but also has good athlete's foot.

90. The most annoying person on the bus is the smoker. It happened that a man was drunk when he smoked and spit his cigarette in front of a young lady. "Can you have some quality!" "There are already a lot of figures (quality). Don't you think that smoke is just a number 3? " ;