Do you have any funny jokes? Tell them to me.

Against marriage

An old man fell in love with a beautiful young girl, but the old man was not willing to marry her anyway.

My dear, I can't marry you, he said to her gently, father and mother would object.

What! You are already so old, are your parents still alive?

No, no, he corrected: I meant the timing of the father and the nature of the mother.

Think about it instead

"What would you do if your income was as much as the God of Wealth?"

"If the God of Wealth had the same income as me If there are too many, what will happen to him?"

Reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom with all his hair standing tall. The teacher asked what was going on and Joe said:

'It's a hairspray reaction. 'The next day, Joe walked into the classroom with a bright head. The teacher asked about it

Qiao said: 'This is my father's reaction to hairspray. '

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, the sales were extremely discouraging, and the manager reprimanded us sales staff

and said: "I have seen Enough of your shoddy work and your excuses. If you are not up to the job

someone will take your place and sell these things of value that each of you should be proud of.

The product." Then he said to his new employee, a retired football player: "What happens if a football team cannot win? , isn't it?" After a few seconds of silence, the former football player replied: "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble, we usually Just a new coach

Slogans on the roof

A movie studio built next to the airport, on the roof to avoid the interference of the aircraft's voice

Write a big slogan: "Please be quiet! "Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, this slogan brought more noise because the pilots all wanted to see clearly what was written on the roof.

What is it, the competition has made the plane fly lower?

Fee

The hotel customer asked the manager: "What's going on with this fruit money every day?" We have never touched those

fruits. "But there are fruits placed in your room every day." If you don't eat, you can't blame me

We. "I see," the man said, subtracting one hundred and fifty dollars from the bill.

"What are you doing?" "The manager shouted anxiously.

"I'll give you fifty yuan a day as a fee for kissing my wife. ""What did you say? I have not

never kissed your ladyship. "Ah," the man replied, "but she's there every day..."

Angry Dog

When the clothing store manager came back from lunch, he found the clerk's The hand was wrapped in a bandage, and before he could ask, the clerk told him a very good news. "Guess what happened, manager," the clerk said. I finally sold that ugly suit that had been sitting here for so long! ”

“Isn’t it that terrible pink double-breasted suit with blue stripes? "

"That's it. ”

“Awesome! cried the manager, "I always thought we couldn't get rid of that monster suit. It was the ugliest thing we ever bought." Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand? Why is it wrapped with a bandage? "

"It's no big deal," the clerk said. "After I sold the suit to that guy, his guide dog jumped on me and bit me hard. . ”

Angry Robber

The owner of the small shop was picked up from the bed by a robber in the middle of the night. The robber was holding a sharp knife and threatened viciously

: “Hand over all the money. "

The little boss said aggrievedly: "There is really no way. Your colleagues came and took all the money

last night. "

The robber yelled angrily: "Why don't you lock the door. ”

风流

Before the masquerade party, the wife suddenly felt unwell, so she asked her husband to attend the party alone.

Later, the wife felt better, so she put on a dress that her husband had never seen before, and drove to the dance. As soon as she walked in, the wife saw her husband flirting with other women. She couldn't help but feel jealous and decided to test her husband.

She walked up to her husband, spoke coquettishly, and threw herself into his arms. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to have a romantic time. At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their masks, the wife quietly left. And her husband didn't come back until three in the morning. "How was the dance?" asked the wife. "It's not fun at all," the husband replied. "What on earth did you do there?" the wife asked again and again. "To tell you the truth," said the husband, "when I got there, I saw several friends without their wives, so we just played cards in the study. "Have you been playing cards all night?" screamed the lady. "Yes, but I lent my costume and mask to another old friend. The guy actually boasted to me at the end of the dance that it was The most wonderful night in his life!"

Rheumatism patient

Patient: "Do you remember? You saw me for rheumatism last year and you asked me to avoid eczema< /p>

Wet."

Doctor: "Yeah. What do you want to see now?"

Patient: "I want to know if I can take a shower now. ?”

Division of work between husband and wife

Tomu said to his friend: “Pierre, we have a division of labor at home. I take care of a few things, and I

Mrs. She also takes care of several things." "Tomu, what do you take care of?" "I take care of the children and the servants." "What about your wife?" "She takes care of the money and me! ”

Capture his son

The beautiful Egyptian female spy returned from Israel and reported to the Cairo headquarters. "I got General Dai Yang's latest attack plan. This plan was stolen from his desk. Not only that, I also captured his Son..." "Great!" the Egyptian general shouted, "Where is he? We will interrogate him immediately." "No!" said the female spy, "We have to wait another ten months. ”

Children of parents

During Clinton’s visit to the UK, she met Mrs. Thatcher and Jeffrey. Hao waited for *** to have dinner. To liven up the atmosphere, Mrs. Thatcher asked Jeffrey. Hao: "Your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is he (she)?" Hao laughed and replied: "It's me, Hao. ." Clinton felt very interesting. After returning to the White House, he asked Christopher: "Your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor yours. Sister, who is it?" Christopher couldn't answer. Clinton

Laughed proudly: "That's Hao."

Father and daughter share the same fate

The father asked Natasha: "Did you do anything yesterday?" "Where did you go during class?"

"Went to the opera with a classmate," Natasha answered without any hint of concealment.

"How can I go to the opera during study time?" my father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me in the theater."

Farewell to my father

"Baron Rothschild, What is the difference between Emperor Wilhelm II and Tsar Nicholas II?

"

"Yes, Rothschild had a wealthy father; Wilhelm II had a wealthy father. A father who was full of crimes

Tsar Nicholas II had a murderous father."

Father and Son Letters

Harry gave it to his father at boarding school. He wrote a letter with only six words in it:

"No money, no interest. Son." A week later, he received a reply, the content of which was:

"Too many Poor, so sad. "

Follow-up consultation

Bill knew that the initial consultation cost three yuan, but the follow-up consultation only cost one yuan.

So he walked into the clinic and said to the doctor: "Here I am again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time.

"

Dry cleaning

The professor was sitting in the bathtub. His wife asked strangely: "Why do you take a shower with your clothes on? "The professor then realized that he had not taken off his clothes. He was about to jump out, but suddenly calmed down: "It's okay, thanks to me forgetting to put water in the tub beforehand. . "

Be willing to lose and accept the punishment

"Blau, if I pour a can of water on you, your clothes will not get wet. Do you believe it? "

"Nonsense, how is this possible! "

"How about we bet one crown? "

Glenn brought a can of water and poured the water on Blau's head. Blau shouted urgently: "Stop, stop,

Stop! My clothes are soaked! "

"Then consider me a loser! "

Sentiment

After watching the TV film describing the story of the inventor Edison, the wife said to her husband: "Dear

If Edison had not invented If we don’t have electric lights, then we can only watch TV with candles.

"

Thank God

The pastor said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage: "This horse only understands the language of the church: barking

" "Thank God" it ran away, and "Praise God" it stopped." The farmer who bought the horse was doubtful.

He tried to shout "Thank God", and the horse immediately started galloping and ran faster and faster. He ran faster and faster. Only when he reached the edge of the cliff did the frightened farmer remember the command to stop the horse. Sure enough, the horse stopped. , the farmer who narrowly escaped death let out a long sigh: "Thank God..."

Golf

An old but still energetic golf enthusiast went to find the wizard. Asked if there was a golf course in heaven, the wizard said he would check it out and give him an answer the next day. The old man came again and said, "I got it." There is both good news and bad news. "

The old man said: "Tell me the good news first. "There is a very wide golf course in heaven," said the wizard. "The course is paved with green lawns and equipped with the best equipment." The old man then asked: "Tell me the bad news now." "The wizard said: "It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning! ”

High technology

When Gorbachev visited the United States, Reagan invited him to enjoy the latest scientific and technological achievements of the United States: the fully automatic and super comfortable horse bucket.

p>

After using it, Gorbachev admired it from the bottom of his heart and secretly determined that our country would also develop it.

After returning to China, a research department was established and progressed smoothly. However, Reagan suddenly visited the Soviet Union. , Gorbachev was caught off guard, held an emergency meeting, and issued a military order to the key research department: it must be produced in three days

Three days later, the report will be issued. Said: Yes. Gorbachev then held a meeting with Reagan. After a long time, Reagan drank some croton beans in his coffee. Finally, Reagan went to the toilet.

Reagan sat on the toilet. After finishing the work, he felt really comfortable and satisfied. He thought to himself, it is really a disadvantage for the Soviet Union to develop such a comfortable toilet in such a short time. No, I have to study it carefully. Provide first-hand information for the development of our country

So, Reagan opened the toilet seat again, twisted the button, and saw a stick sticking out from under the toilet.

With one hand, he wiped Reagan’s face carefully.

Expert

“My husband is very good at gambling. "My husband too!" ”

“He won the first time he bought a horse racing ticket, and he won 300,000 yuan for a thousand yuan. ”

“My husband is even better. He just paid for life insurance once and immediately won back 30 million yuan

. ”

It’s too early to be happy

A young man is about to be drafted into the army. The ophthalmologist at the military hospital performs a vision examination on him. The young man confesses himself during the examination. It's myopia. After the examination, the doctor said: "Yes, you are right, it is myopia." "The young man was very happy to hear this.

"Dear doctor, can I be exempted from military service? The doctor shook his head and said, "No...

I wrote down that I can participate in hand-to-hand combat."

Brilliant move

A beggar said to a woman on the street: "Give me the money quickly, madam. Think about it, if the water gun in this

What will happen if the water washes away the makeup on your face?"

Tell-in

Woman A: "She told me that you told her that I told you but you wouldn't let it. Tell her the secret

Woman B: "Oh, I specifically told her not to tell you. I told her."

Woman A: "Oh my God, yes." Don't tell her I told you what she told me."

Next door

Two homeless people were charged with nuisance, and the judge asked one of them: "You live there. Where?"

The homeless man said: "The street, the square, the underground tunnel, the station..." The judge was dissatisfied with his answer

so he asked another person: "Then Where do you live?" This person said: "Me? I live next door to his house."

The beggar Xiang Yi. A lady was begging for food. The lady asked: Do you want to eat the overnight meal?

Eat, of course! Well, you come tomorrow.

Everyone has his own opinion

A car knocked down a pedestrian. The driver said: "It's not my fault. I always drive carefully.

I I've been driving for five years. "What? Is it my fault? What's so strange about you? You know, I've been driving for fifty years!" "

Replacement

The customer was very unhappy and said: "Why don't your crabs have claws?" The messenger said proudly: "This means that The crab is alive. This is the result of the fight in the kitchen."

Customer: "Okay, please replace me with the winner of the fight."

After providing power to a village with inconvenient transportation, the Malaysian power company sent an investigator

to interview the residents and ask them whether it would be more convenient for them after the power supply.

An old lady said: "I am very grateful to you. From now on, I will never have to find matches to light an oil lamp in the dark again."

* **Sameness

Two friends chatted together. They talked about novels and poetry.

One of them said that he found that Russian novelists and poets have one thing in common, which is reflected in every type of

work.

When the millionaire drove his luxurious extended-length "Lincoln" car through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass to eat on the side of the road. The millionaire stopped the car immediately.

"Why are you eating grass?"

"We really have no money..." replied a beggar.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I still have a wife and two children at home..." a beggar muttered.

"Call them here!" The rich man pointed to the other beggar. "And you, call your family members."

"My family has a large population. In addition to my wife, I have five children." Another beggar said.

"It doesn't matter, call everyone, hurry up and go!"

Just like that, the two beggars and their families got into the car. Fortunately, it was an extended car. During the exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully: "Boss, you are so kind, you can even invite poor people like us to your home."

The millionaire replied: "Nothing, I just After returning from abroad, no one has been taking care of the house. The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high. You can eat as much as you like! ”

One day I went to Hangzhou with my girlfriend and saw the release pond (a pond with countless turtles) in front of the Jing Temple. I saw a pond full of turtles swimming with only their heads exposed in the water. It was so cute. He shouted excitedly: "Wow~ there are so many glans! ! ! "I fainted from laughing on the spot... mm's face turned red immediately...

There was a chick in someone's autograph file somewhere.

On a certain day of a certain year and a certain month, a mm posted: Your penis is so cute^0^

What happened in junior high school: A group of us were telling jokes after class (both men and women) Of course it was an old joke: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch..." Then he stopped talking and a girl asked: "Where's down there?" I said: "Down there? Down there... there's no more..." Everyone laughed. , a minute later, the same girl asked: "Why is there no more down there?" I said: "..."

Once we were discussing cooking in the dormitory, and a brother's GF was also there. We say that nowadays young men generally know how to cook, but little girls generally do not. The girl said: "I can do it, I can make chicken!" Everyone snickered. MM didn't know what she meant, so she said confidently: "I really know how to make a chicken!". Everyone couldn't bear it and rushed out of the door. MM chased her outside the door, stood in the corridor and shouted: "I just know how to make a chicken!!!" Everyone was shocked and ran away.

When I was an undergraduate, before taking the computer internship class, the MM who was in charge of managing the computer room asked our teacher (male) to borrow a screwdriver to dismantle a machine (in another room). As a result, we When we were getting on the plane, she stood at the door of the computer room and shouted to my teacher: "Teacher! That thing of yours is really hard to use!!" Everyone turned over~~~~~~~~~

One day, my sister and brother went to school. While riding in the car, they saw two dogs mating. The younger brother asked his older sister what she was doing. "We're fighting." My sister quickly responded to him. At this time, my sister noticed that two hooligans were looking at her, and their eyes were still scanning her body. "What are you looking at? Do you want to fight?" my sister said loudly.

I graduated from university and am 1.70 meters tall;

Although I am not a graceful lady, I am still a graceful lady;

I am familiar with poetry and books at home, and I am familiar with poems and books outside. Reasonable;

The sages of ancient and modern times are all engraved in the mind;

The course is relatively heavy and professional self-control principles;

Likes exquisite architecture and minors in building design;

Excellent office software, passed CET-4 in English;

A wide range of subjects, including electronics and electricity;

Pay attention to fashion boutiques and like ethnic musical instruments;

Obtained accounting certificate, settling accounts is not a problem;

Team cadre meeting, passed the advanced evaluation;

Year-end moral education ranking, second place in the heroine class;

Excellent scores in four years, apply for postgraduate study;

Unfortunately, the number of places is limited, and good grades are in vain;

The enrollment expansion policy is not bad, but the amount of public funds is too low;

Unemployed Children of the family, how can there be more banknotes?

I left school and found a job, and my heart was full of joy;

Signed an agreement, with a probation period of three months;

The job is about to become a regular job, and everyone is fired;< /p>

The boss explained this and wanted to get some fresh air;

Since then, I have been running around in various recruitment meetings;

It’s not that the profession is unpopular, but the company is picky;

Mulan was given the order in the face of danger, and Mulan can wear the military uniform;

In today's modern society, half of the world is discriminated against!

My neighbor sent me a child, and he has become my sugar daddy;

From now on, I live in a pampered way and only wear O.N.L.Y. clothes;

I am not a greedy person, but I am also It’s weird;

It’s hard to compare the cold window with the face;

Is it because I am too weak, or do others dislike me?

Just like a bench player, there is no ball to play;

Seeing the time passing by, time cannot be wasted;

Sighing that a bachelor's degree is helpless in this century .

1. Her husband is going on a business trip for half a year. After packing her luggage, the good wife affectionately handed her husband a pack of condoms and said: If you really can’t bear it outside, remember to wear condoms. After hearing this, her husband became excited. Said: If your family is not well-off, you should use their money

26th Floor

The first sentence: "I don't like you because of your money (or your status)!"

Think about it carefully, women are not idiots, they have nothing, only love can be used as bread to eat? Even if you don't have it now, she can still see your future. If you are very capable, she will definitely treat you as an appreciable stock and hold you in her hands.

The second sentence: "You think I want to go, but xx dragged me there."

Who dragged whom? You can go if you want, I'm not not letting you go.

The third sentence: "Your cooking is so delicious.

Hahahahaha! Don't just be happy when she says this, she means: Since you The cooking is so delicious, you will be the one to cook it in the future...

The fourth sentence: "Tell me the story of you and her before, I won't be angry. "

Whoever believes it is screwed! Who will believe it if women are not jealous? Even if it happened 500 years ago, by the time you finish talking, they will show their ugly faces, either crying, making trouble, or I just let you do this and that, and they call it "reform through labor"!

The fifth sentence: "They all said that XX brand clothes suit me very well. "

Nothing to say, just take out your wallet!

Sixth sentence: "It doesn't matter, I don't think you are fat yet." "

If she really said that, she just doesn't want to embarrass you and pay attention to her figure.

Seventh sentence: "We are an old married couple, I don't want any Valentine's Day A gift. ”

Oh my god, if you believe this, you must be like me, cleaning for a month! Women, after all, if you really don’t buy it, she will kill you! And next year she will I will definitely make a shopping list for you to buy one by one!

The eighth sentence: "Actually, I feel that you should have your own 'confidante'. "

Tch~~Are women really so generous? She always hopes that you stay away from all women (except herself). Only in this way can she feel safe. If you really have a female classmate or colleague Give you a phone call, or text message, she cares more than anyone else, and her ears are very good! When you want to go out to party with your brothers at night, she might be following you!

Sentence 9: “Don’t do it anymore, sex is not good for your health.

"

...Taste it for yourself!

The tenth sentence: "I will support you even if I don't have money! "

Oh my god, I haven't resigned yet. I need some money to take the IT certification exam for my future life. I will hand over my salary and bonus as soon as they are paid. Can I give you some now?" It’s clear, I’m supporting you now! "Work hard, brothers, the man is the head of the family, and making money is your responsibility!

The eleventh sentence: We should just be friends (in fact, you still have value that can be used)< /p>

Floor 27

Sentence 12: I think I’m really not suitable for you (I don’t like you at all!)

Sentence 13: Actually You are a really nice person (but I really don’t want to be with you)

Sentence 14: You are a really nice person (but I really don’t want to be with you)

Sentence 15: You are really, really nice...really (Pig Head, stay away from me!)

Sentence 16: I don’t want to have a boyfriend for the time being (step aside! You are less than half of my standard for a handsome guy)

Sentence 17: I don’t want to hurt the friendship between us (there will only be friendship between us)

Sentence 10 Eighth sentence: I care about a person in my heart (that person was made up by me specifically for people like you)

Nineteenth sentence: I have never thought about this problem (this is simply impossible. Do you still need to think about it? )

Sentence 20: I am not suitable to be a lover (nonsense, no one will be suitable to be your lover)

Sentence 21: Give me some time to think about it (if you don’t give me time, how can I escape)

Sentence 22: Your conditions are really good (but not as good as I want)< /p>

Sentence 23: But this feeling is so weird (you are so ugly, you are so weird that you still want to eat swan meat?)

Sentence 24: Your gentleness makes me I will remember it in my heart (please, love saint! Being gentle is useless, you also need money!)

Sentence 25: In fact, I have never had the courage to accept you (I was almost scared to death when I saw you) ... Where do you have the courage? )

Sentence 26: You are really cute (you are really naive)

Sentence 27: You are really Super cute (Pig head! Don’t pester me like a child!)

Sentence 28: Meeting you will always make me relive the joy of childhood (just like an aunt meeting her little brother) )

Sentence 29: We should give each other a little buffer time (Give you time to get out! If you don’t leave, I will fall out!)

Sentence 30: Everyone else is Said you have good conditions (but I never thought so!)

Chapter 31: It would be better if we met earlier (it would make you realize earlier!)

Chapter 31 Thirty-two sentences: Don't worry, we can be friends first (I want to find my Prince Charming at this time. Haha)

29th Floor

Mini Skirt

Female 1: Your mini skirt is really beautiful, but don’t you think it’s too short?

Female 2: Is it short?

Female 1: Aren’t you worried about perverts peeking?

Female 2: My legs are for people to look at.

Female 1: People peeking at your pants.

Female 2: It doesn’t matter, I never wear underpants.