I'm so tired.

There are two cows grazing. Niu A asks Niu B, "What's the smell of your grass?" Niu B replied "strawberry flavor", and A Niu took a bite and said "You lied to me!" Niu B said, "Idiot! I told you that grass is tasteless! "

One day, Xiaoming's grandfather brought back a box of sweet potatoes. Later, Xiao Ming was puzzled and asked his grandfather.

Grandpa, you grow sweet potatoes! ?

Grandpa said angrily, you only grow sweet potatoes!

Xiaoming was confused, so he ran to the kitchen and asked his mother.

Mom ... Grandpa grows sweet potatoes! ?

Mother said angrily, Who said that? You grow sweet potatoes! Stop talking nonsense! !

Xiao Ming is really puzzled ~ What did I say wrong? Grandpa is planting sweet potatoes ~ Did I say something wrong?

A few days later, grandpa died suddenly ~

Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming's parents, Xiao Ming's sister and brother are all very sad. ...

So Xiaoming said at his grandfather's grave

Grandpa, I feel sorry for you. I planted sweet potatoes until I died. Too poor ~ whoops! ..........

Then the crow passed ... ga ga ga. .....

Xiaoming's mother said: Xiaoming! Why are you so rude! Come here!

Xiao Ming replied: Mom ~ Have you forgotten? A few days ago, grandpa brought a box of sweet potatoes back for planting, and it took several days before this happened ~ you said grandpa was miserable ~ I said grandpa was miserable ~

Family: speechless ..........

This fact tells us never to grow sweet potatoes.

What's your status? You have an ID card.

Is this a turning point? This is obviously the breaking point.

Counting sheep is done by foreigners, because sheep sleep and sleep are homophonic, so does jiaozi.

"It is the duty of every citizen to despise you."

Zi Qiao: That was when I was in high school. One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam.

After that, I suddenly woke up and something even more terrible happened. It turns out that I'm really taking an exam.

My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is: handsome is not obvious.

I'm really not a celebrity, I'm a celebrity.

An upright man is open and poised, the little man hides his penis!

Four major sorrows: eating soup and spreading crotch, wetting shoes, shitting and breaking paper, and farting and breaking shit.

1 A fish asked the guy next to him, "What kind of fish are you? What's your name? Why is it so strange? "

The guy next to him said, "First of all, I'm not a fish, I'm a man;" Second, my name is Qu Yuan, and I'm fucking drowning. Third, I told you once seven seconds ago, so leave me alone! "

A big man in black came to the hotel and shouted to the bartender, "Xiao Er, give me all the good food and wine, or I will kill you!"

"Yes, sir."

As a result, Xiao er died ~ ~ because Xiao er listened to "Chinese chives".

The head of a hide-and-seek club has not been found yet.

There is a man who looks like an onion and cries when he walks.

On a hot afternoon, a match tickled and caught fire. So I went to the hospital to change my dressing and came out as a cotton swab.

Why don't you say hello to the rare steak? Because they don't know each other.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down.

Once upon a time, a steamed stuffed bun walked on the road and felt hungry, so it ate itself. Once upon a time, there was a loaf of bread walking in the street. He felt hungry and ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a cotton candy to play with for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired. I feel that I am soft. "

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield and all the corn turned into popcorn! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside crying and flying away.

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open in order to leave by your side." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long in order to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."

Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why? Because: it's really like Dabai.

A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was really bored, he began to pull out his hair, three at a time.

Draw a v on two fingers. What is this? Yeah! Hands are shaking and stretching down. What is this? It's fallen leaves! Hold out four fingers. What is it? Fourth, bend four fingers. What is this? Wonderful! (bend four)

When the millionaire drove a luxury extended Lincoln car through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass at the roadside to eat, and the millionaire stopped the car at once. "Why do you eat grass?" "We really have no money ..." A beggar replied. "Really, get in the car and go to my house." "I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered. "Call them." The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call your family, too." "My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said. "Never mind, call them all and go!" In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately, it was an overdue bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home." The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

Wolf, tiger and lion, who will be eliminated when playing games? Wolf because: Momotaro (eliminated the wolf).

Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said, "I will eat you!" " "Guess what? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you want. At this time, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, "Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is?"

Stones fight with rice cakes, and when they get angry, they kick them into the sea.

Later, a couple privately decided to have a lifelong event, but the man had to go abroad for military service. Before he left, he gave her a ring and agreed to meet here with it three years later. Three years later, the woman didn't find the man, so she threw the ring into the sea sadly. In fact, it was that woman who remembered the wrong place. When the man came back, he couldn't find a woman, so he went fishing by the sea sadly. Suddenly he grabbed something. Guess what this is.

It's rice cake.

Later, he finally caught a fish and bit a hard thing while eating. What do you think it is?

It's fishbone.

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid. Squid begged him: Leave me alone! The man said, well, let me test you a few questions. Squid said happily, take the exam! Then people roast squid.

The diver's movements are very difficult. He turned three times, then somersaulted forward three and a half times, and then somersaulted backward for a month.

Reasons for not wanting to be a teacher:

The best student

When I first went to class, I liked smoking to go to school. Especially when smoking enters school, it will attract the attention of many students. A few days later, after entering the school, several students admired me very much: "this brother, you are too angry!" How dare you smoke into school? What's your name? We will follow you later! " I replied, "I'll call the teacher!" " "I was depressed for 20 minutes when they broke up!

A better student

I smoked outside the office that day and had a good time. Suddenly, the cigarette was taken away. "What class are you in? You are so brave! Actually smoking in front of the office! " I was depressed and pulled out two cigarettes. "Come, teacher! Don't tell the principal! "

The teacher was dumbfounded! Several other teachers fell under the table laughing.

Best undercover

On the first day of class, I went early, so I went to the classroom first to get to know the students. Those students were very active when I came to the classroom. Maybe I didn't speak, they all regarded me as a failed student (am I that image? ), they all came to please me and hoped that I would protect them in the future. Even an unlucky student took out a cigarette for me. The bell finally rang. I took out my textbook and went to the podium and said, "Class is over!" " "The following students look cold.

Revenge of a gentleman

One day, I was smoking while walking. Suddenly a man ran over and grabbed my cigarette: "What class are you in?" How arrogant! "At first glance, it was a security guard. I was angry at that time: "which student do you think has so much courage?" "I am a teacher!" The security guard was depressed. "So-and-so teacher asked me to come and catch it!" On hearing this name, isn't this my former class teacher? Sure enough, he smiled not far away. I walked over and he was still smiling and said, "I didn't catch you smoking in high school for three years, but now I finally caught you!" " "

Examiner: What education?

Candidate: I didn't graduate from primary school.

Examiner: Have you ever been in a fight?

Candidate: It's the usual practice.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over the peddler's tricycle with one foot.

Examiner: Dare to take other people's things?

Examinee: This is my strong point, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Does the old man dare to fight?

Candidate: Cai Xiao, my father crippled me.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our city management needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question. What should I do if something happens?

Applicant: Just say it's a temporary worker.

Examiner: Go to work tonight.

One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd.

The fashionable girl turned back and said, "Are you sick?"

The man was puzzled and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

The people in the car snickered!

The woman felt very angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly, "Can you cure it?"

The whole car is funny!

The bus driver stopped and laughed on the steering wheel!

Second:

The bus was very crowded, and a woman stood at the door.

A GG pushed out of the car from the back and said to the woman, "Sorry, get off.".

The woman didn't move.

GG stepped on her when she pushed past.

As a result, this woman was so powerful that she kept cursing: "You are crazy! You're crazy! ~ ~ ",loud enough for the whole car to watch.

GG hasn't spoken. When he got off the bus, he couldn't stand it. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!"

There are some interesting children in the back. They have been playing the scene just now.

A said, "You are crazy! ............................... "B" said: "You repeat the machine, you ..."

The whole car laughed ~!

Later, a little MM also got off the bus, squeezed past and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!" "

The whole car laughed again ~!

The woman didn't speak, and a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?"

The whole car is laughing ~!

Confucius said; Fight with bricks, don't play chaos! Press your head! Whether you are dead or not!

Buddha said; Bullshit! I am kind! Stop playing! A brick is dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, it was calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "When an adult goes out without anything, it is not shameful to lose him." - "

On Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. - "

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained 100 counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide a large face value, so please turn it over to the relevant department consciously. - "

On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue People's Daily of Talented People in the Straits. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out my newspaper and looked at it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper, with the remark of 1: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! - "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was another note: "Please don't make such jokes, which will affect the normal work of our company. - "

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate criminal tools! - "

On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people to squeeze in. While waiting for the next train, I felt in my pocket and found that I had more money from 20 yuan and a note: "Big Brother, it's not easy to do our job all day. This is 20 yuan. You can take a taxi to where you want to go, please don't mess with us. "

One day, there were too many people on the bus, which was hot and stuffy. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it As it happens, the conductor is asking, "Who didn't buy the ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman held the ticket high in her hand and said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!"

7. A sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. This name was publicly solicited from students outside the school, and as a result, many people's slogans coincide-reading is the best for a bird!

The loss of bicycles at school is particularly serious. The new car disappears in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bicycles will reappear every few days. One day, my roommate Xiao Jing bought a new gearbox car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock!" " The next day, Xiao Jing came back from self-study at night and looked depressed. He still holds a note in his hand, which reads: Don't be the master here, I borrowed the car, and I will pay you back in a few days!

A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing is very happy, but she is worried that the car will be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you "borrow"! When Xiao Jing went downstairs the next morning, she found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: See how you ride!

There are three tadpoles. They go to a restaurant for dinner ... wait a minute. The first course is fried frogs. ..

Three tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up. ...

One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them that each of you should go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei took out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they can put the fruit they brought into their ass, they will be released. Zhang Fei tried for a while without success, so he was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu started stuffing things ... when he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes again and was killed. After arriving in the underworld, the prince asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" Guan Yu sighed and said, "If you don't laugh, you won't die." I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian ... "

Yesterday, I went to eat KFC. The man behind me looks like a couple. They ordered a lot of food and sat next to me. After sitting down, the girl began to eat hard, as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy chewed French fries one by one, as if he had something on his mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned down and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

Without looking up, the girl said directly, "No!"

The boy asked again, "Is this completely impossible?"

The girl simply said, "Not at all!"

The boy froze, looked straight at her and stayed there …

At that time, the girl held a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other. She thought the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, then looked at the boy with poor eyes and whispered, "So ... can I still eat?" "

Everyone around me, including me, laughed. The boy said helplessly, "Eat, eat ..."

This MM is so cute ... if I don't let it go, I must chase it ... desperately! ! ! !

I'm always restless at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was so depressed sitting in the classroom that I immediately ran to the aisle to smoke.

Not long after I lit a cigarette, a PL girl came over and asked me, "I'm teaching myself now! How did you get out? "

I said, I'm bored by smoking. Well, which class are you in? How also ran out.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

At that time, I was particularly excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed?

She said: well, a freshman in our class came out from self-study and I came out to find him.

I smiled, it seems that someone still can't sit still. What do you want from him? You're not his mother!

MM: I can't help it. I'm his head teacher!

I was cheated ...

A minute later, I choked up and said, Teacher, you look so young …

Dad is a worker in a glass factory and has the habit of working with gloves.

One night shift, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze blew. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out the glove strap from his pocket. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously, "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm used to it. I always wear gloves when I work, so I won't cut myself or leave any marks ... "

A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on business.

When eating the night before, the middle-aged man was very upset when he saw several stains on the edge of the plate.

He asked the hotel owner, "This dish looks dirty." The boss replied, "Don't worry, mineral water will make it clean."

Hearing this answer, middle-aged people began to eat very comfortably.

A week passed, the middle-aged man ate in the hotel every day and met a big dog in the hotel.

When leaving, the middle-aged man walked out of the gate, and the dog reluctantly caught up with him and held him tightly and wouldn't let him leave.

Seeing this, the hotel owner went to the dog and patted it on the head. He said softly, "Let the guests go, mineral water."

The hunter hunted and saw two birds in the tree. He shot down one and found it hairless. While he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter, damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes and you shot her down. . .

A parrot hangs in front of a restaurant. When a guest arrived, he said, "Hello, welcome!" " An old customer thought, I'll go in and see your reaction. One day he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! !

A child in the delivery room laughed after birth, and the midwife was very surprised. When she gathered around to observe, she found the child's fist clenched tightly. After breaking it, she found that it was an abortion pill. She only heard the child say: He *! Do you want to kill me? It's not that easy! !

After the performance, the leader took the stage to hold the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand and asked her name. The actress said excitedly: Maragabi (damn a B)

Stand higher and see farther; Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear other people's shoes and let others find them.

What does depression mean? Just hit more than 30 people, hugged a handful of hemp, stole a wallet, and my wife ran away with someone. At home, when I smelled porridge, it was still rancid. As soon as my eyes turned, the ambulance went to the hospital and fell into a ditch!

Moon cakes fall in love with steamed bread and pursue it desperately. Steamed bread swears to death. The moon cake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bread: My mother said that your stomach is full of huahuachangzi.

One day, the hen flew on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "Come down, or I will kill all the cocks here, making you wish you were dead." The hen smiled and said, "Finally, we can find the duck."

An American, a Frenchman and an China were walking in the desert. They saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man came out. The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can satisfy each of you three wishes!" " Americans first said, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money." The fairy said, "it's very simple, it satisfies you!" Tell me about the second wish. " The American said, "I want a lot of money!" " "After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish:" Take me home. The fairy said, "No problem. "So the United States

Americans returned to America with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want a beautiful woman!" " "The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said, "I want more beautiful women!" " "The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman finally said, "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the French back to China, she asked the China people what they wanted. China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. China people said, "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The fairy asked him what his third wish was. China said, "I miss China and Americans very much. Please bring them all back. " The French and Americans are extremely popular, but they are helpless, so the three of them can only go on. Walking, I saw another bottle. When I opened the plug, another man came out. The man said, "I am the younger brother of that fairy just now, and my magic is not as strong as his, so I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you." The French and Americans think it's best to let China speak first, so as not to be brought back by him later. So China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy realized his wish. The French and Americans urged the people of China to express their second wish as soon as possible. After drinking Erguotou, China people slowly said to the immortal, "OK.

Okay, that's okay. Go away. "An American, a Japanese and a China are exploring in the jungle. As a result, they were all arrested by cannibal tribes. But the tribal chief said, "I'm in a good mood today. I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "Americans are the first to get the board. He said, "Before hitting the board, put 1 mat on my ass." Mats, boards rained down; In the past, 70 boards were ok. After hitting 70 boards, the mat was smashed, and then there was blood on the board ... After that, America always left. When the Japanese saw it, they asked for a 10 mattress. After 1, 2, 3 ... 100, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, but nothing happened; Then he bragged about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with his smelly mouth, and wanted to sit in the Chinese drama. The China people slowly squatted down and said slowly, "Come, give me the Japanese mat." …

Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes are playing mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let go of the spider The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was very helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! !

Let people see his smile.

Our math teacher loves to laugh, especially to let people see his smile.

One day, in math class, the math teacher grinned, pointed to his smile and said:

"Students, please use an idiom to describe my smile!"

At this point, a classmate at the bottom blurted out: "Laugh in Jiuquan!" " "

Let it not fail in the exam.

God will send a great mission to Sri Lanka,

You have to steal its chat tool first,

Seal off its Weibo, take its computer,

Take away his cell phone, make him anxious and bored,

You can only concentrate on your study and let it not fail!

I am a popsicle.

The sausage was put in the refrigerator and felt very cold. Then I looked at another sausage next to it and felt a little comforted.

He said, "Look how frozen you are! You are covered with ice! "

The root of the tree said, "Sorry, I'm a popsicle."

You are a bad person.

I went home once on holiday. To save money, I went back by train. It was almost midnight when we arrived at our destination, so we had to take a taxi home.

So he stopped a taxi and asked the driver for ten yuan. I said only eight yuan, and finally reached an agreement of eight yuan.

Before getting on the bus, I asked weakly, "Are you a bad person?" The driver gave me a look and calmly replied, "You are a bad person ... Give me eight yuan for taking a taxi so late ..."

The son said, "Many people have published books now. Can you publish one too? " I shook my head and said, "Your father and I have no ink. I am afraid it is not easy. " My husband said to me mysteriously, "Why do you say we don't have ink? Didn't we jointly publish a book a few years ago! " The son was surprised: "Did you jointly publish a book?" My husband said in a trance, "We published the marriage certificate together!"

The headmaster and the English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Sweat.

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother happily praised Xiao Ming: Good boy, then you must have a good exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, after picking the fruit, we will wash it together, and then we can eat it together."

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time comes, all the children are assembled.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what have you got?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them."

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit."