Weibo's funny quotations

1. I've heard the most powerful swearing sentence: "Zombies opened your mind and left in disappointment, but dung beetles passing by brightened up at the moment!"

2. I once saw that nonsense joke with my girlfriend, saying that if your boyfriend makes you angry, you should slap him while he is asleep, and then talk in your sleep. I didn't dare to close my eyes all night, and I was always on guard for fear of being slapped inexplicably. As a result, I was slapped. "Who are you staring at when you don't sleep at night?"

3. Grandpa Goat has a bumper harvest of cabbage, please ask the little white rabbit and the little black rabbit to help. After harvesting the cabbage, grandpa goat gave two rabbits some cabbage, and the little black rabbit got the cabbage and left. The little white rabbit said, Grandpa, I don't want cabbage. Please send me some rapeseed. The next year, the white rabbit starved to death before the cabbage grew. The little black rabbit finished eating his own cabbage, just in time for the little white rabbit's cabbage to mature, so he picked it up and fattened himself up.

4. I used to think it was cool to go to nightclubs, get tattoos and get holes. Later, I found that these things are not difficult at all, and you can do them if you want. What is cooler should be things that are not easy to do, such as reading and making money, which are boring to ordinary people.

5. I went to the Internet cafe with my friends, and the Internet cafe had a song ordering system, so I ordered a national anthem! When the music started, several friends also sang in a special way, and slowly the whole internet cafe was boiling! The climax was when I met the police to check, and when I entered the house, I saw more than 1 people singing the national anthem. I was blue in the face!

6. There is a pancake fruit stand near the company, which is very delicious. My colleagues like it and I am a frequent visitor. When I arrived at his booth, there was only one child. I asked him: Where is your father? The child turned around and shouted, "Dad, come back quickly, the big customer with five eggs is here ... < P > 7. One morning, I received a phone call, and I was already at work. I didn't seem to know the number. I said politely," Hello ... "A man's voice across the street said," Little L, are you up? " At that time, I was shocked and stammered, "Get up, get up …" "Oh, get up? Come to the old place ""huh? " "Come and get the courier!" Shit, the courier brother is too big!

8. I, KINOMOTO SAKURA, will let you know what a magic girl is today.

9. In the evening, my roommate and her male ticket went out for a walk, and suddenly it began to rain, so her male ticket took off her coat and covered them to keep out the rain. Ah, that sounds pretty good. But straight men will never live up to everyone's expectations. Roommate male ticket: Eh, do you think it looks like a dragon dance?

1. I was defrauded by telecom for more than 1, yuan, and I didn't get a penny back. Today, the police station informed me that I must attend the seminar on anti-fraud knowledge held by them, because I am a typical case.

11. My mother will also point at me, if anyone loses their pig ...

12. You have at least 2 pounds of fat on you by the word "Don't waste".

13. Really, little girls can play LOL, don't watch the live broadcast, otherwise other little girls will be "knocking cute", and you said "thieves are cute"; Other little girls said, "Don't mess with me." You said, "I'm your father. Have you been messing with me?" ; The other little girls said, "This is so beautiful", and you said, "Fuck this is the sexiest". I lost at the starting line.

14. As soon as I returned to China, I was dragged by my family to have dinner with various relatives and friends. A 5-year-old little sister sat next to me and insisted on giving me a riddle and asking me what I was wearing in fancy clothes and could tell the time. I thought about it and replied, Macrae.

15. As soon as I returned to China, I was dragged by my family to have dinner with various relatives and friends. A 5-year-old little sister sat next to me and insisted on giving me a riddle and asking me what I was wearing in fancy clothes and could tell the time. I thought about it and replied, Macrae.

16. Third Aunt: After graduation, where did you go to work? Me: Six grandmothers at Adam ADC in Ioni: This English sounds like a multinational top 5 company, not bad!

17. People often ask, "How do you know so much?" In fact, I don't know much at all, and honest and frank said without affectation: I just pick up my own answers.

18. classmates and girlfriends have a good relationship and often show love. Later, he was imprisoned for committing crimes. Facing his girlfriend who cried into tears, he pretended to be calm and said, "Don't wait for me, find a good man to marry!" A few years later, my classmate was released and came home. When he saw his girlfriend cooking at home, he was moved to be speechless. "Son, what are you still doing? Call Mom." His father reminded me.

19. When I was a child, I had a stubborn temper. I never cried or hid when my father beat me. I was just a deadpan. Once I did something wrong. Originally, he slapped me with slippers. I didn't cry or make trouble. He was very angry and went into the bathroom to copy the guy. After searching for a long time, I took out something that passed through the toilet. I thought he was going to suck my head with that thing, so I smiled at that time. Then my dad beat me to tears with the wooden pole of that thing.

2. So many people who think they are awesome, I wonder who gave you courage, Fish Leong or Guang Liang?

21. When traveling, I went to a temple, and a noble monk with a solemn treasure face folded his hands: The donor's seal hides lead, so I'm afraid of near worries. Buy a jade Buddha to protect myself. Me: No, thanks. Monk: The benefactor looks pale. I still have the Buddha's beads, which can keep him safe. Let's have a good relationship with him. Me: I really don't need it. I look bad because I'm tired. Just have a rest. Monk: The hotel owner across the street has a Buddhist relationship with me. Why don't I take the donor to rest … both formal and informal … I: ……

22. Hillary: What do you mean by getting the three indexes to rise? ! Wall Street: Nothing interesting. Hillary: Didn't we agree that the rotten man would plummet when he was elected? Wall Street: Didn't it plummet last night? Hillary: Does that count? Wall Street: You didn't say you would continue to fall the next day. Hillary: Didn't we agree that you all supported me? Wall Street: We have no political inclination. We support the American people. Hillary: Why don't you play by the rules! Wall Street: Leave me alone! You're not the president.

23. It's not that the person you like doesn't like you, but that you must like the person who doesn't like you.

24. This morning, when I was in the bus, a man's cell phone rang behind me. "Take me, old driver, I'm going to Kunming, old driver. . 。” I turned to look at him and said, "Brother, you have the same taste as me, and so does my ringtone." He touched the back of his head and smiled shyly. . . Just arrived at the door of the company, my colleague said to me, "didn't you bring your mobile phone?" Why didn't you answer when I called you just now? " I touched my pocket, damn it. . .

25. Go to eat mala Tang. The boss's son is very cute, and we also meet. I was just playing with him heartlessly, and the boss shook his head when he saw it. Daughter-in-law called to come back quickly, and just walked out of the door, the boss chased him out with a knife. I: I'm sorry I forgot to pay, but six dollars won't carry a knife, will it? Boss: Don't need money, put my son down!

26. Since Wang Baoqiang became green, the Secretary has been on the lookout for business trips. In the evening, he called his wife and talked a few words. His wife said, "Go to bed early! I'm so tired today … "Secretary:" How can I listen to other people's movements in the room? " Wife: "I'm a little scared when you're on a business trip. I asked my best friend Yu Qing to come and accompany me. What's the matter?" Don't believe me, otherwise, I'll ask Yu Qing to talk to you. Secretary: "No, I believe you, go to bed early!" " After putting down the phone, the director looked at the sleeping rain and sunny around him, smoked all night, and then fell ill. This story tells us that smoking is harmful to health.

27. Dad accepted the reality with the help of the police after he was stolen 8, yuan.

28. Today, I watched the video and saw pheasant and Haonan singing on the same stage. The audience was full of people. I think those people who went to the concert of young and dangerous people were fake fans, because the real fans were locked up in prison.

29. My female colleague asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend and meet her parents. I asked her, what preparations do I need to make? She thought for a while, smiled and told me, don't be prepared, be free and easy, laugh more, just like what you usually do. Anyway, it's just a formality. When they see you, they will force me to break up, and this thing will be ok!

3. When I visited Hangzhou the other day, I walked to the statue of "mother-in-law tattooing" and heard a middle-aged man say, "Only my mother-in-law can do it, but my mother can't do it." A circle of tourists on the side was instantly quiet.