Inquiring about a love deep in the memory - Diary of a military wife who is in love with a long-distance runner

Compared with today’s view of love, my love seems to be full of the retro flavor of the last century. When I was 15 years old, I checked my eyes and asked myself to wait until I was 28 years old. In my second year of high school, he went to serve as a soldier in the northernmost part of China. It is now his 10th year, which started my eight-year long-distance military love. Fortunately, this first love came true. We got married in April 2018, and I was officially promoted to a military wife.

(1) Those years in a hurry

Our love sprouted too early, perhaps because of this it takes a long enough time to gestate.

In the third year of junior high school, he suddenly transferred to our class and took away my stable first place in the class. I have always warned myself not to fall in love prematurely, although when our eyes meet, it is not always as simple as that of ordinary classmates. Five years later, when he was a sophomore in high school and he became a warrior guarding the frontier, I came to the university.

We were too young at that time, and it seems naive and ridiculous now that we think about it. We always thought that love was so wonderful and noble, and we always believed in such illusory things as fate and destiny. We always stubbornly believed that There is still a future for each other. A confession in the second semester of freshman year established a relationship that has been budding for five years.

On the evening of June 8, 2010, I confessed to him. His confession in the summer after the high school entrance examination in 2006, plus a year of knowing each other, maybe we had a relationship that lasted four or five years. Emotional situation.

(2) After My Farewell

The military love affair started while listening to "Since My Farewell", and we didn't see each other for three years after the first time.

It has been more than three years since we parted ways, and I already don’t know what it will be like when we get together again. Looking through the few photos I have, I find that: in three years, the two of us have changed a lot. I often secretly wonder if we will miss each other if we pass each other one day!

In the past three years, we seem to be living in two worlds. All this has made me afraid that we may become farther and farther apart. I am cautious and dare not make any promises. I have not spent the past few months. Now, there is no vow of eternal love, but there are too many dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction, stumbling, but fortunately, I still stubbornly stick to it, although I don't dare to expect too much happiness.

Letters, text messages, and phone calls carry all the romance, but sweetness and beauty only exist in my naive imagination. I imagine all the good things, but I don’t dare to hope that they will come true. I am a pessimist at heart. Girl, think about it, as long as you can accompany your love through the most beautiful time in life, it is enough. Maybe subconsciously, I believe that I don’t care about forever, only care about what I once had, or that it is enough to be in my heart forever.

I went to serve as a soldier in Northeast China in November 2008. I came back at the end of 2011 and I haven’t seen him for three years.

(3) The illusion caused by distance

Distance brings not only beauty, but also infinite contradictions and problems that cannot be solved in time. I gradually understand: love is just a feeling , what is questionable is its depth, what makes it wrong is its manner. With infinite melancholy, I recorded in my diary:

A girl who grew up under strict discipline is ignorant and pure. Once she enters a world full of love and joy, she feels that everything is love. We walk in the light of heaven, and this light bursts out from our hearts, and its light shines on our lovers. We use the flame of our feelings to beautify our lovers and give him lofty thoughts. Women's faults almost always come from our beliefs about what is good or true.

Maybe I don’t understand, but sadness and loneliness have replaced the original superstitious persistence.

(4) It is difficult to say goodbye when we meet

At the end of 2011, he came back from vacation and we met.

Of course the first meeting was happy and happy, but it is hard to say goodbye when we meet. Meeting means parting, right? After parting again, there will be endless thoughts, and I will still record everything in my diary: < /p>

Is it because I feel sad when I see things and miss people? Looking at it, there are almost no traces of your footprints or your figure in my living space. If I miss you, then that’s not true. Like the flowers and plants growing in mid-air, they are insubstantial but they are always struggling to exist... Every time it tries to survive, it tears me apart. Missing me may really hurt my breathing!

Missing is also imagination, It's more about imagination, so when you make an appointment to see the source of Heilongjiang and go to Arctic Village together, you say that if you are lucky, you will also see the Northern Lights. This is enough to long for. Longing is also a kind of beauty, but occasionally, No, many times, I feel too far away and lose the beauty of the expectation, maybe I am not calm enough! Memories often come in to make trouble, a lot of sadness, although the living space and *** have been different in the past few years. We have very few similar experiences, but luckily we still get together after three years of separation... Now there are memories! People always love to recall those beautiful things, but why do they always recall them with sadness? Maybe you can imagine Memories are all painful to breathe!

It was in the few months after we broke up. Because we agreed that we would work hard on our own, I often went to the library to study. This was something I was lazy to write at that time.

(5) It is not easy to get together and separate.

We have gone from not seeing each other for three years to getting together every year. Our love records the joys and sorrows. Open my diary: < /p>

We were separated for ten months and ten days, and when we got together again, it was still the same as the last time we were separated for more than three years. There was not too much excitement or impatientness, it was indifferent, I just felt so familiar and kind, as if we had never been apart. You feel the same way!

Because my uncle was next to me, we didn’t hug or hold hands when we met. Occasionally we looked at each other, but they just smiled without speaking.

We stayed together for five days, five complete days. This was unprecedented in the seven or eight years we had known each other. It was the first time we had stayed together like this in our two-and-a-half-year relationship. I just felt like everything was gone. It is so beautiful, but the more beautiful it is, the more sad it is. I know in my heart that this is not long-lasting. I would rather you not come back before. I can keep waiting. A touch of longing and imagination is better than separation after a beautiful reunion. I'm afraid of this feeling!

But when you are happy, you should enjoy it. I like to go to karaoke together, go shopping together, and eat snacks together on the roadside. I like to laugh and make noise without any image. , everything is so beautiful, because it has been a long wait!

Now I am alone again, more or less lonely, but I still have support in my heart.

That was the second time we got together in 2012, exactly ten months and ten days after the previous one. That day, it was very cold and rainy. I took a long bus ride to the train station to pick him up. I had always suffered from motion sickness in the past, but that day I was so nervous and excited that I seemed to have forgotten about motion sickness. After picking him up, we stayed together for a few days and then parted again. We spent the "end of the world" together and walked through January 4, 2013 together.

(6) When campus love encounters social reality

Gradually entering the society, you are always helpless. At this time, you don’t even have anyone to rely on, and you have many complaints and complaints in your heart. I remember the following emotion was written in the diary of that time:

People are in a contradiction between happiness and misfortune, which makes them feel more profound pain in their hearts. The happiness that seems so close is actually very far away. A mirage, a feeling that cannot be released or caught, a general indescribable feeling. Sometimes it is better to live in pure poverty and loneliness. I was on duty at the company in the evening and didn't leave the company until 9:40. I had already missed the last bus home. I told him that I was home, and he said, "Well, be safe." He has been in a bad mood lately, so bad that he doesn't know what to say to me, and so bad that he almost feels annoyed by me. Maybe he Really annoying.

Inexplicable sadness hits my face like the cold wind at night. I don't know why, but I cried all the way. Fortunately, it was night and there were only a few pedestrians, making this a public place where you could vent your feelings.

I got home at 10:40 and sent him a message. He didn’t reply. He should have gone to bed. He had already gone to bed...Am I disappointed or something?

I understand that I cannot be considerate at all times. Even if I know the helplessness of soldiers, I still can't help but complain in my heart.

It was the spring of 2013. Before I graduated from my senior year, I ran out alone. I always encountered many problems when I just left school, and I had no ability to solve them. I really hit a wall at every turn and had a bad mentality. , naturally treat feelings pessimistically.

(7) Love requires reflection

"Maybe I am too rational, and I often blur the boundaries between love and non-love. I can clearly see that what should be loved is full of mistakes. There are shortcomings that should be given up, and there is something pitiful about love, but it is impossible to forget the shortcomings of love, and it is impossible to love selflessly. The love mixed with resentment is even more impure. When facing love and marriage, if you still retain this sobriety, how can you not be said to be selfish and only love yourself!"

The more I understand myself, the more I feel how selfish I am, and the more I understand. The more you know about the other person, how hard it is for others to tolerate you.

Reunion after separation can confuse people. They mistakenly think that we should stay together day and night, and mistakenly think that every day should be beautiful and wonderful. After that, in fact, there were only a few days, so cruel, so unbearable to test, you complain about how dull life is, I tell you that life is like this, dullness is true, but in fact it is not, it is the time of separation, parallel lives make each other unable to intersection. You don't understand my happiness, and I don't understand your needs, so life is not exciting.

Reunion after separation is like a fairy tale that deceives people and deceives unknown girls into thinking that life does not require responsibilities and that it is just fine for the two of them to be together. I don’t understand that in the years when he left, all you lost was him, and what he lost was all his past, love is only a small part; you don’t understand, or you forgot, in the years when he left, What you have lost is the lover who accompanied you day and night, and he also has his most beloved family, relatives, and friends. Therefore, you mistakenly believe that he should spend all his time on you during the days when we get together. This is the punishment you have set for him in your heart and the compensation you want him to make. Oh, hateful willfulness and ego.

Seeing each other again after farewell is like a mirror, a dream that can wake up at any time. As we leave again and again, everything is no longer real. Life is still a matter of studying and living with your head down and working hard every day. Getting up early and going to work means doing your job well every day, doing your own thing without avoiding right and wrong, and fighting openly and secretly. It means returning to the rental house after get off work every day where your things are still there.

I thought it was great that I was willing to wait for someone in my best years; I thought it was noble that I ignored the actual conditions and only cared about feelings; I thought that I persisted in my life regardless of the dissuasion of my parents, relatives and friends. How brave is the choice. What a ridiculous woman, she would still complain when she needed him the most, she would still wonder if it was worth it when she was most helpless, she would still waver in the face of the most realistic problems, she would still feel sad that she was not by her side when she came back. What is even more regrettable is that no matter how deeply the complaints are hidden, they will be exposed. What exposes them is even the darkness that hides them, just as the darkest sky shows that there will be the most violent storm. In fact, she is just an immature, willful, and hypocritical girl.

The more you understand yourself, the more selfish you feel. The more you understand the other person, the more you realize how hard it is for others to tolerate you. I still have too much to grow, and he needs to tolerate too much.

This was from the end of 2013 to 2014 when he came back, but he was always quarreling and quarreling. He always said that I was harsh and harsh, but in fact he just wanted him to spend more time with me. Gradually, I started to no longer rely on him, and sometimes I needed to take a break to reflect on myself. This was written after a quarrel with him.

(8) Learn to be independent and learn to live

In May 2014, I came to a company to work as a creative copywriter in the planning department. The work was still very stressful. Always put work first. Since I came to this company, my life has become fulfilling and regular. Of course, I am also a little tired and feel a little boring. Fortunately, I generally feel that I am becoming more and more independent. I can cook and go to work by myself, and everything in life goes on day after day, week after week. Maybe because I was busy, I actually ignored him. He must be a sensitive person at heart, and he actually said that I didn't love him as much as before, and even ignored me.

I felt really tired and wrote down in my diary:

"An exhausting relationship drags two overdrafted people. Love has no grave, it is just a ticking time, urging me to die." , I long for a single apartment, where I will have insomnia and sleep with the lights on until dawn. However, I am no longer afraid of squatting on the street corner crying late at night and having nowhere to go if you can't accompany me through every difficulty and protect you. Me, please stop talking about your deep affection and your reluctance. I have lost my sensitivity. I am not tired of you, I am just tired of life.”

I am a person with poor living ability. , so there will always be various crazy situations, and it is also because of the influence of a best friend who is married that I have become more and more pessimistic about marriage. I can't help but write this, and often, I feel extremely lonely.

/p>

It’s 2015, already, and I have entered the age of 25. The passage of time is really frustrating. I look back at the past, and among other things, I feel like I have to summarize my love. The feelings accumulated over time may be quiet and beautiful to outsiders, but on the New Year's Eve, there is always something I can't get rid of: "summarize the past and look forward to the future." ” is too cliché.

Such first love actually taught me: separation is a very cruel thing in the world, but no matter how cruel it is, you can get used to it. Until now, I will not be too sad when he leaves me. If he is not with me, I won’t miss him very much. I just often feel lonely, the kind of loneliness that penetrates into my bones, but with a sense of security. The more I understand, the more I understand that no one can always be with you. People always have to Learn to live by yourself.

The laughter and sorrow of that boy and girl back then have now become stories in memories, and the forgotten details are our past. Sometimes when I am alone, I just want to find each other in my memory and in my heart. Looking for a love in the depths.

(10) May you have a stable reality for the rest of my life

In different times, I am different. Most of the time when we are separated, I am hard and indifferent. I like to use harsh words to express my disdain for that kind of love, and I also think more or less rationally and objectively about what love is and whether it is important. However, when he is around, everything becomes different and I don't realize it. My heart softened, companionship has always been the longest confession of love, and I can only be moved by this kind of confession. From the end of 2015 to the beginning of 2016, we welcomed his company again.

It turns out that when you are with someone, time becomes long and soft. The so-called quiet time and stable world should be this feeling.

I lay lazily on the corner of the sofa, or curled up in any corner of the room, watching TV with my mobile phone, and following the development of the plot of the TV series with different emotions, he carefully Cooking noodles for me, the smell of noodle soup filled the whole room, mixed with care and consideration. It turns out that the ordinary life of relying on each other for firewood, rice, oil and salt can be so enjoyable. He always said that you loved your daughter very much and wanted to give her all the best things in the world. She was always so patient with her children, so gentle and considerate that it made people jealous.

The weather that had been gloomy for a few days suddenly cleared up. Under the bright but not dazzling sunshine, you and I walked side by side. This is the day of farewell, but it is exceptionally bright and warm. I don’t know what God means. . We were discussing our wedding in the coming year. You said you wanted to go back and exercise hard, and you were afraid that you wouldn’t be able to hold me by then. I punched you angrily, convinced that I would be able to wear a wedding dress beautifully when I got married, and you could hold me easily. rise. The warm sunshine is accompanied by the cool wind all over the body. It is such a scene in winter. The long and delicate feelings didn't know how to release them in this short period of time, so they went away with the sunshine, walking together comfortably and comfortably, without any need for intimacy. After many years of acquaintance and love, there is a plain intimacy that does not need to be deliberate.

Of course, I understand in my heart that no matter how willful you are in love, you cannot bring it into marriage. From the beginning of marriage, you need to know how to compromise and accommodate. This is just the beginning. I need to give up. All the dreams about wandering alone, you need to give up all the desire for a single apartment, you need to know how to face the sophistication of a large group of relatives in your husband's family, you need to let go of all the feelings of a literary and artistic little woman, and integrate yourself into the world as a real adult. Entering the eternal marriage life will be a journey full of hardships, a beginning of letting go of half of yourself, and a beginning full of life.

(11) A cold parting

We got engaged on March 16, 2016. He left for the army on April 2 and agreed to get married at the end of the year. On the day he left, the weather It was slightly cool and drizzle was lingering. He left me early because he had to catch the morning flight.

The sky is slightly bright

The dawn traces the outline of the mountain

It is gray and gray

The rain is slightly cool

Raindrops outline your breath

A wisp of white

Grass quietly takes root

Little flowers wait to bloom

We just stand It’s beautiful without talking

I’ve been waiting since spring

We’ll meet again around winter

And then I will be your bride

In fact, people who have been separated for too long will not miss them too much.

(12) Married in 2018

In April 2018, we got married. I followed him to Heihe and then to Mohe. We were like an ordinary couple. They are more like a military couple in an ordinary station, living a plain and warm life. I chose to return to Anhui on July 3. "My heart can wait for you, but my steps cannot stop for you." This is probably the reason why I have persisted.

Before getting married, I was always worried about what this marriage would bring me and what kind of life it would bring me. Today after getting married, when I looked at him, I thought Li will think about what I can bring to him and whether I can make him feel happy and joyful. I always hope that marrying me is the luckiest thing that ever happened to him.