Can anyone help me find some jokes?

The Smart Chief

A certain chief had a hobby of listening to stories. One day, he held a banquet for guests. After his repeated requests,

A guest from out of town told a very interesting story:

This guest had met a very pretentious person in the city. Said to him: "Please

guess what I put in my pocket. If you guess right, I will give you half of these eggs;

If you can Guess the number of eggs, and I will give you all ten eggs."

The man thought for a long time and said, "Friend, although I am not stupid, I can't know everything. I guess

I can’t guess.”

The guest said: “Guess again, this thing is white on the outside and yellow on the inside.”

“ Guessed it!" The man said loudly, "It must be a pile of white radishes with a potato hidden in the middle." Upon hearing this, the guests all laughed. The chief laughed even more. Finally he asked:

"That's really a fool. Dear friend, please tell us now, what exactly do you put in your pocket?"

Smart Daughter

Daughter: "Mom, do you like apples?"

Mom: "Yes."

Daughter: " Do you like eating?"

Mom: "I like eating very much."

Daughter: "Then don't buy me apples."

Mom: " Why?”

Daughter: “You will eat it all on the way”

The careless professor

Professor Fielding has always been careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of garbage into the trash can outside the building, but he confusedly carried it to the subway, then to the laboratory, and finally carried it back home.

The wife was shocked: "What are you carrying?" Fielding said: "Oh, I forgot to throw away the rubbish."

The wife brought it over Look, I was even more surprised: "Where did you get back a pack of ham?"

Careless Professor

A professor always forgets three things, either his glasses case or Lost the cane. Especially

umbrellas. His wife had to buy one for him almost every month. The professor secretly made up his mind to be more careful in the future.

One day, the professor went out in the morning and came back in the afternoon. He said proudly to his wife: "Hey, Tao Lesai, I didn't lose anything today. I brought my umbrella back!" As he said, he

Hold out an umbrella. "Oh, look at you, you're such a careless person, you didn't bring an umbrella with you today!"

Different wording

The cardinal was driving at speed, and a policeman on a motorcycle caught up with him. He stopped. The bishop asked: "Is my car driving too fast?" Policeman: "No, Bishop. Your car is not driving too fast, it's flying too fast." "Too slow."

Hitchhiking

A naval officer stood next to the driver in a bus and did not sit down to avoid breaking the iron

Got to wear a crisp uniform. A drunk man got on the bus, walked up to the officer, pulled his sleeve, and said he wanted to buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunkard persisted, so the officer turned around and said: "Friend, I am not a conductor, I am a naval officer."

"Then", the drunkard replied, "take the boat Stop, I want to take a bus."

Answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain what happened to the flies in my soup?"

The waiter bent down and looked at it carefully and replied: "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."

Wrong number

The lights in the cinema were just right When the light went out, a thief put his hand into Rega's pocket, and was immediately discovered by Rega. The thief said: "I wanted to take out the handkerchief, but I took it out by mistake. Please forgive me!"

"It doesn't matter." Rhaegar replied calmly.

After a while, there was a "pop" sound, and the thief received a hard slap on the face.

"I'm sorry, I typed it wrong, a mosquito landed on my face." Rega said.

Mosquitoes with lanterns

Two Scottish immigrants who had just arrived in New York spent the night in a hotel. They were annoyed by mosquitoes all night.

They were very annoyed. The last one said: : "Santi, cover your head with the quilt, so mosquitoes can't bite us

." After a while, Sandy stretched out his head to breathe fresh air, and then he saw something he had never seen before

p>

He saw fireflies, so he shouted: "Oh God, it's no use covering your head. Mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns

."

Bet

John and Mike bet two thousand dollars that he could dance with Madonna, and he actually won.

Then he bet that he could have dinner with Mrs. Clinton, and Mike lost again. Finally, John bet that he could attend a major religious ceremony with the Pope. At that ceremony, John and the Pope stood together, and from a distance he saw Mike next to him. Someone whispered to him, and Mike fainted on the ground.

Afterwards, Mike explained, I'm not surprised that you were with Madonna, and it was nothing to have dinner with Clinton ***, but when you and the Pope showed up, next to me When the person asked me a question, I fainted. What he asked was "Who is that person next to John?"

Hiccup

The patrolling police found that a car bumped up and down every 10 meters or so. So he

started his motorcycle and chased after the car and stopped it: "What's wrong with your car?" The driver looked horrified: "No, it's nothing, Mr. Police. Me, I always hiccup. "

Snoring

As soon as it got dark, Little John's father went to bed, and the loud and annoying snoring made Little John

I can't do my homework at ease at all. "Hey! Wake up, wake up!" Little John shook his father hard.

He woke up.

"Bah, I just lay down, what are you yelling for?!" Old John lost his temper. "I saw that you snored

for two hours. You are really tired. I asked you to sit up and take a good rest."

Play water polo

An athlete went to eat and saw a large plate of soup on the table. There was only a string bean in it and nothing else. He immediately stood up and took off his clothes. When his companion asked him what was going on, he replied:

"I'm going to take off my clothes, jump into the plate, and play water polo with that string of beans."

It's very embarrassing.

A British young man invited his girlfriend to a French restaurant for dinner. However, he did not understand French and did not know what was on the menu.

But he didn't want to appear ignorant in front of his girlfriend, so he pointed to a few lines on the menu and said to the waiter: "Let's eat these dishes!" The waiter looked at the menu and said

Said: "Sorry, sir, this is the band's music!"

Elephant Sandwich

The customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had brought There are items that should be declared.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"Then what about the elephant behind you with a piece of bread in its ear? What’s going on?”

“Sir, what’s in my sandwich is entirely my business!”

Gangster 1

A death row prisoner asked the detective. : "What time is it now?" The detective yelled: "I am about to die, why do I ask about the time?" The prisoner said: "This is a major event in my life. Remember this time is important to me

It’s very important.”

Gangster 2

There was a gangster listening to the pastor’s sermon.

The pastor said: "It is better to make one more friend than to offend one less enemy..."

"I don't have an enemy." The gangster said.

"It's amazing, why don't you have any enemies?" "I killed them all!"

Gangster 3

Tou'er went to the church to attend mass. The pastor asked: "What brought you here? You didn't steal any chicken steaks this week?" "No, you didn't steal any."

"The other chickens did. Not stealing?" "No."

"Great, you are one step closer to God."

Whispered: "If he asked me if I stole ducks, I would. Just stay away from God."

Gangster 4

The police asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Yes, I remembered it. I love peaches the most." said the criminal.

"You know, it's winter now, there are no peaches!" the policeman said.

"It's okay, I can wait."

Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you understand singular and plural?"

Nick: "I understand."

Teacher: "Tell me, is 'pants' singular or plural?"

Nick: "The upper part is the singular number, the lower part is the singular number. It's plural. "

Worry

The wife said to her husband: "I will be very worried every time you go out." "Don't worry, my dear.

," her husband comforted her, "I will be back at any time." "That's what I'm worried about." I hope it's blood. He was walking on the street with a bottle of whiskey in his trouser pocket. Unfortunately, he was hit by a car. He stood up and touched his pockets. He felt a little damp. "Ah!"

He muttered, "I wish it was blood!!"

The eggs won't eat

"The lioness gave birth to a little lion, and the little one The lion needs to eat; "The bitch gives birth to puppies, and the puppies need to eat;"

"...

"That is to say, everything born from the mother must eat. ”

Little Tom thought and thought, always trying to find a guy who was born without eating, but he couldn’t think of it for three days in a row

On the fourth day, he finally figured it out. It was what he saw with his own eyes, and it was a fact. He ran to tell the teacher: "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but the eggs don't eat!" "

Of course

A man had a parrot that could only say "Of course", so he decided to sell it. "How much is your parrot?

money? "The buyer asked. "1,000 yuan. "The seller replied. "Why is it so expensive? ”

“My parrot is very smart! "Parrot, are you smart?" asked the buyer. "Of course." "

The buyer bought the parrot. When he found out that the parrot could only say "of course", he said angrily: "Only a fool would spend 1,000 yuan to buy a parrot like this." ""certainly! "

The parrot answered.

Guide Dog

John was about to cross the road. He saw a blind man, who was taking his guide dog with him. Crossing the road.

When the light turned green, the dog didn't lead its owner across the road, but peed on his owner's pants.

Unexpectedly, the blind man put his hand into his pants. He took a piece of biscuit from his pocket and gave it to the dog.

John was surprised and said to the blind man: "If that was my dog, I would definitely kick its butt.

. The blind man replied very calmly: "Yes, I want to kick it, but I have to find its head first!" "

Unlucky

Miss Jenny came off the night shift and saw a man walking towards her with his hands wide open. "Rogue! "Miss Zhanni swore and kicked the man in the abdomen. There was a crash and the man shouted: "Oh my God!

That! I still couldn’t take the third piece of glass home! "

Bumping into walls everywhere

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the car: "Does it bother you if I smoke a cigarette here?

? The lady said to him kindly: "No, you are just as good as at home."

"The gentleman immediately put the cigarette case back and sighed: "Still can't smoke! "

New Morality

"Dad, what is morality? ”

“What is morality? Wait, how do you explain this? For example: Someone forgot Glick's wallet containing a thousand pictures

in the store, and I picked it up. Should I keep the money alone, or should I share it with the seller?

The goods clerk split it equally? This is called morality. "

Hard-won

The defendant promised to his defense lawyer: "If you have the ability to make me stay in jail for only half a year

then You will receive an additional $1,000. "The defendant finally got what he wanted.

While collecting the money, the lawyer said: "This is really a tricky job. Originally, the judges wanted to acquit the defendant and release him.

"

Being carried away

The father of the triplets called the newspaper office to report the good news. The reporter who answered the phone did not hear clearly.

"Can you please repeat it again? ? he asked. The proud father replied: "Yes, yes, but I don't want it anymore!"

Hard-earned

A man invited his friends to his house for dinner. The friend asked: "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going to have dinner?"

"Of course I do. I argued with her all afternoon about this matter!"

Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse

Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat to death while walking. I will get one for you right now

Come on, okay?"

Female: "You have to hurry up, there is a mouse in the kitchen right now"

Wait a minute

A man asked God: "Great God, in your eyes, what does a thousand years mean

?"

God replied: "Only It only means one minute."

"Almighty God, what does ten thousand gold coins mean in your eyes?"

"It only means a small amount of money. That's all."

"Merciful God, please give me a small amount of money!"

"Okay, poor man, please wait a minute. !”

Hell

Bill Gates came to the gate of heaven after his death.

: Well, you can choose, go to heaven or go to hell. Test it first and then

tell me the result.

Bill looked around. People were singing hymns and praising God (maybe using

Ada) with serious expressions. He came to hell again and saw only sunshine and sandy beaches. There are so many beauties, C and Basic are everywhere, wine

If you don’t get drunk, everyone will get drunk. Bill said, hell, I love it! He returned to St. Peter.

: Look, you are doing well here, but it seems better in hell. This...

: No problem, go ahead.

Bill returned to hell, suffering in mountains of knives, seas of fire and pans of oil, and suffered all kinds of torture. He really couldn't bear it

.

He shouted: Saint Peter---! Why are all the beauties here gone? : Sorry

You are talking about the DEMO version...

The third possibility

The nurse said to the mother: "Your husband called , asked if he had a son or a daughter? ""Please

ask him if there is a third possibility? "...

Telephone

In 1876, Alexander G. Bell was patented for a device for transmitting sound through wires. Eight years later, a farmer in California went to the telephone exchange to try this new gadget for the first time.

He first scribbled a few words on the paper, rolled up the paper, pushed it into the microphone with a pencil, and then

sit down and waited for a reply. After waiting for a long time, there was no response. The farmer crumpled the piece of paper into a ball and threw it into the handle.

After waiting for half an hour, there was still no movement on the phone. The farmer was very disappointed and left cursing.

The staff took apart the damaged phone and found the piece of paper, which said: Order a wrench from a store.

Telephone

A man calls home at work.

The person who answered the phone was a strange woman.

The man said, "Who are you?" "I am the maid here." The woman replied.

"We didn't hire a maid." "The mistress of this room asked me to come this morning."

"Oh, then I am her husband. Is she here? ?" "But...she was in the room upstairs with a man who I thought was her husband...doing...doing something that only couples can do." The man listened

. p>

It was very popular. He said to the maid, "Listen, do you want to make $50,000?" "I want you to take out the gun from my desk and kill those two adulterers." Damn it!" The maid put down the phone.

The man heard footsteps, then two gunshots.

The maid came back and picked up the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them into the swimming pool." "What swimming pool?" "Huh?... Um... Excuse me. Is the phone number 2621-5656?

The computer is broken

The computer system in the office frequently fails, and Cathy has accumulated a lot of work.

One day. , she was driving home after working overtime, and a police officer stopped her and said she was driving fast.

“I’m really unlucky today. Cathy shouted with resentment, "The company's computers are good for a while, and bad for a while. They are good and bad, and bad and good again." I have to catch up on work after work, and now I run into this again. "The policeman ignored her complaint and immediately issued a ticket. After a long time, he came back with her driver's license and license plate and said with a wry smile: "Our computer "It's broken."

TV Bug

Ferguson especially likes to watch TV. His classmates would look for him in their free time and nine times out of ten they would see him sitting on the TV

In front of the TV, everyone calls him a "TV bug"

No, when the astronomy teacher announced in class: "I suggest you watch the lunar eclipse tonight. "Ferguson immediately asked: "How many channels? ”

TV Fan

Uncle Martin’s chattering parrot was sick. He wouldn’t eat or drink. He took him to the vet, but after the diagnosis

he said nothing. Nothing wrong. The veterinarian asked Uncle Martin if there had been any major accidents at home that upset the parrot. Martin said that the only thing that had happened was that the television had been taken for repair. "Bring it back," the veterinarian said.

Sure enough, as soon as the TV was brought back, the parrot's appetite returned.

Rules in the store

Manager: Remember, the rule in this store is - the customer is always right. Now tell me, what did the gentleman just say?

He just said I said something - your manager is a big idiot

Fishing

Patrolman: Fishing is prohibited here, fine is 20. Angler: I am not fishing, I am teaching earthworms

Swimming.

Patrolman: Really, let me see.

Angler: Look.

Patrolman: Swimming naked, fined 50. .

Change it

The future father-in-law said to Pierre: "I agree to marry my daughter to you, and the 60,000 marks will be paid to me in marriage.

Deposit it in the bank for you. "

Peel said mournfully: "You'd better give me 60,000 marks and put your daughter in the bank.

”

Quilt folding

Instructor: Kameda, why are your quilts always worse than Yamamoto’s?

Keda: Report to the commander, before Yamamoto enlisted in the army I was making tofu, and before I joined the army, I was making Hanamaki steamed buns.

Matador

A matador was drinking in the countryside. His friends advised him not to drink too much, but in order to show off his talent, he drank until he was shaken

and was shaking and unable to control himself. , and then took a shortcut to the arena, where a bull was already lying on the arena. The bullfighter immediately lay down on his horns and fought fiercely with the bull. In the end, the bull fled. Afterwards, the matador followed his friends and said: "I did drink a little too much just now, otherwise I would have to drag the kid off the bicycle!"

Reading to treat diseases

A: "Where have you been in the past few years?"

B: "Go to a medical university."

A : "Then your illness must be cured."

Gambling

Four gentlemen gathered together to gamble. Before the gambling started, they said to John: "Go and see if there are any police outside the door." John stayed there for a full ten minutes before he ran in panting and said: " There were no policemen outside the door, so

I went to the police station to call one! "

Object

I came to you to propose to your daughter! . said the young suitor.

Have you talked to my wife? the father asked.

Yes, but I would rather marry your daughter.

This is unnecessary

A swimmer crossed the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him

A Jew came up and asked in confusion: "Don't you know there are ships sailing here?"

The more the merrier

A speeding car The car was stopped by a police patrol car. The policeman took notes and said to the driver;

"You will get a speeding fine summons because you just drove over sixty miles." Si

The machine immediately said:

"Mr. Police Officer, could you please write one hundred miles? You know, I am about to sell this car

! ”

Many years later

She (gently): “Dear, when did you first realize you fell in love with me?”

He ( Angrily): "When people say you are stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy!"

Vicious slander

A plump woman came to the court and sadly said to The judge asked:

"If a person goes around saying that I am a hippopotamus, can I sue him for maliciously spreading rumors and defamation?"

The judge said: "Of course, when will he sue him for malicious libel?" You think it's a hippopotamus?"

"He has been saying this to everyone since three years ago."

"What? Why are you doing it now? Did you just think of suing?"

"I went to the newly built wildlife park yesterday and realized what a hippopotamus looks like."

The big mouth of a crocodile.

The zookeeper stood in front of the crocodile with its huge mouth open and kept looking into his mouth.

Tourists passing by asked: "What happened to the crocodile?" The administrator said: "It's not clear yet. After the doctor went into his mouth, he didn't come out for half an hour. ."

Crocodile shoes

Customer: "I want to buy a pair of crocodile shoes."

Shop clerk: "Okay, ma'am, which crocodile shoes do you want to wear?" What size shoes?"

Loving couple

Once upon a time, there was a king who occupied a city. Before entering the city, he issued an order: All women in the city will be spared from death. They can leave the city with their most valuable things before dawn tomorrow. The king guarantees that they will safety. At dawn the next day, I saw that every woman in the city was carrying a heavy burden on their backs. They were all exhausted and sweating profusely and walked out of the city gate out of breath. It turns out that they were carrying their own husbands.

Children’s knowledge

The wife of a drama director at Delhi Radio took her children to the zoo.

Suddenly, the child

saw a fat and big cat and asked: "Mom, is this a husband or a wife?"

The director's wife was embarrassed and didn't know how to answer the child. Questions raised. At this time, the child made his own judgment: "Mom, I know. This cat is the husband!"

"Why?" the mother asked in surprise.

"I gave it a hard squeeze just now, but it didn't bark or jump. It just lowered its head and remained silent

."

Pay the bill with a slap

Moloko had a delicious lunch in a restaurant and had to pay one ruble, but he didn't even have a kopeck

, so he asked the shop owner: " Please tell me, here, if someone slaps someone else in the face, how much will he be fined if the lawsuit goes to court? "

"I think, five? Rubles!"

"Okay," said Moloko, "please give me a slap in the face and give me the remaining four rubles."

Invention

The Italians said to the Jews: "We found cables under ancient Rome, which shows that our ancestors invented telephone communication." ”

Jew: “Do you know what was found in Jerusalem?”

Italian: “What?” Jew: “Nothing was found.”

Italian: "Huh?" Jew: "That means our ancestors have invented wireless

wireless electricity."

The Secret of the Code

"Qiong Yi Nai, you went to law school, can you tell me what the Talmud is?" Schmuel asked.

"I want to give an example to explain. Schmuel, I want to ask you a question: Two Jews fell out of a tall chimney. One of them fell The body is full of soot, but the other one is clean, so who should wash himself?

"Of course it's the one who got dirty!"

p>

"Wrong! The person looked at the person who didn't get dirty and thought: 'My body must be clean

." The average person saw that he was covered in dust He thought he might be dirty too, so he wanted to take a bath - now I want to ask you the second question: They both fell in again. p>Tall chimney - who should take a bath?"

"Now I know, the person with the average award!"

"Wrong! The person with the average award takes a bath? When he realized that he was not dirty, the person who was dirty did the opposite. He understood why the average person wanted to take a bath, so he also went to take a bath.

I now ask you a third question: He fell down the chimney for the third time - who will

take a bath?"

"Now, of course. It’s the one who got dirty!”

“Wrong again! You’ve seen two people fall from the same chimney, one is clean and the other is dirty

You see, this is the secret of the Talmud.”

Legal Basis

Beja was passed on for calling others pigs. As a result, the court fined him seventy rubles.

"This is so unfair!" Bedya screamed in grievance, "The last time I called someone a pig, I only

fined him thirty rubles!"

The judge shouted plausibly: "Don't you know that the price of pork has already increased?"

Rebuttal

Klaus staggered out of the hotel drunkenly . "Oh my god," shouted my friend Soltz, who was standing at the door, "you have the hat on your head backwards!" "Why is it on backwards?"

K Rouse retorted, "You have no idea which direction I want to go!"

Against marriage

An old man and a beautiful young girl fell in love, but this The old man is not willing to marry her anyway.

My dear, I can't marry you, he said to her gently, father and mother would object.

What! You are already so old, are your parents still alive?

No, no, he corrected: I meant the timing of the father and the nature of the mother.

Think about it instead

"What would you do if your income was as much as the God of Wealth?"

"If the God of Wealth had the same income as me If there are too many, what will happen to him?"

Reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom with all his hair standing tall. The teacher asked what was going on and Joe said:

'It's a hairspray reaction. 'The next day, Joe walked into the classroom with a bright head. The teacher asked about it

Qiao said: 'This is my father's reaction to hairspray. '

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, the sales were extremely discouraging, and the manager reprimanded us sales staff

and said: "I have seen Enough of your shoddy work and your excuses. If you are not up to the job

someone will replace you and sell these things of value that each of you should be proud of.

Then, he said to his new employee, a retired football player: "What happens if a football team can't win? All the players have to be replaced." , isn't it?" After a few seconds of silence, the former football player replied: "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble, we usually Just a new coach

Slogans on the roof

A movie studio built next to the airport, on the roof to avoid the interference of the aircraft's voice

Write a big slogan: "Please be quiet! "Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, this slogan brought more noise because the pilots all wanted to see clearly what was written on the roof.

What is it, the competition has made the plane fly lower?

Fee

The hotel customer asked the manager: "What's going on with this fruit money every day?" We have never touched those

fruits. "But there are fruits placed in your room every day." If you don't eat it, you can't blame us

. "I see," the man said, subtracting one hundred and fifty dollars from the bill.

"What are you doing?" "The manager shouted anxiously.

"I'll give you fifty yuan a day as a fee for kissing my wife. ""What did you say? I have never

kissed your ladyship. "Ah," the man replied, "but she's there every day..."

The Angry Dog

When the clothing store manager came back from lunch, he found the clerk's The hand was wrapped in a bandage, and before he could ask, the clerk told him a very good news. "Guess what happened, manager," the clerk said. I finally sold that ugly suit that had been sitting there for so long! ”

“Isn’t it that terrible pink double-breasted suit with blue stripes? "

"That's it. ”

“Awesome! cried the manager, "I always thought we couldn't get rid of that monster suit. It was the ugliest thing we ever bought." Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand? Why is it wrapped with a bandage? "

"It's no big deal," the clerk said. "When I sold the suit to that guy, his guide dog jumped on me and bit me hard. . ”

Angry Robber

The owner of the small shop was picked up from the bed by a robber in the middle of the night. The robber was holding a sharp knife and threatened viciously

: “Hand over all the money. "

The little boss said aggrievedly: "There is really no way. Your colleagues came and took all the money

last night. "

The robber yelled angrily: "Why don't you lock the door.

”

风流

Before the masquerade party, the wife suddenly felt unwell, so she asked her husband to go to the party alone. Later, the wife felt better

and changed into She wore a dress that her husband had never seen before, and she drove to the dance. As soon as she walked in, she saw her husband flirting with other women. She couldn't help but feel jealous and decided to test her husband.

She walked up to her husband, spoke coquettishly, and threw herself into her arms. Finally, she lured him to the back garden to have a romantic time.

At midnight, when everyone was about to get married. The wife left quietly when she took off her mask. But her husband didn't come back until three in the morning. "How was the party?" asked the wife. "It's not fun at all." "Husband

answered. "What exactly did you do there? "The wife asked again and again. "To tell you the truth," the husband said, "When I got there, I saw several friends without their wives, so we just went there.

Playing cards in the study. "Have you been playing cards all night?" "The wife screamed. "Yes, no

But I lent my costume and mask to another old friend. The guy ended up bragging to me at the end of the dance that it was the best night of his life! ”