The first half of my life: from night to dawn, a dream catcher who goes against the wind in the traditional concept.

When I heard Mr. Wu Jie say that I want to share my personal story, I hesitated, because some memories are unwilling to be made public, so I can write them in words and put them on any platform publicly, regardless of whether anyone reads them. But if I share it in front of everyone, I will have psychological obstacles, because of pain, because of inferiority, because of some inexplicable psychological factors.

But isn't writing a kind of healing? Dare not face the past, dare not hide it, and dare not talk about cure. In that case, I will never be able to reconcile with the past. I tried to let myself go, so I thought and thought. Or tell your own story, even if there is no value to share.

Everyone has his own story. Whether the story is wonderful or not, we can't deny that everyone's story is unique.

I have my own story. I don't know whether this story is wonderful or not. All I know is that this is a long story. I also know that if life permits, I really want to rewrite the time in my life when I trudged alone in the muddy darkness.

But there are no ifs in life. Whether we like it or not, things that should happen and things that shouldn't happen will leave indelible marks as long as they appear in our lives. Love or hate. I was there during that time and never gave up.

Life is like this, there are always some regrets that we can't make up for, but isn't it such regrets that have taught us a lot? Such as growth, such as gratitude.

I am a post-70 s generation, and I have lived half my life. I divided the first half of my life into three stages.

1, teenagers don't know the taste of sorrow.

2, if life is just like the first sight.

3, a miserable life.

1)

My hometown is a small village in the northwest plain of Shandong. My father participated in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea and later moved to Beijing. Everyone born after 70 knows that many people starved to death due to natural disasters in the 1960s. At that time, my father had to support several people by himself, and sometimes he didn't have enough to eat a meal a day. Later, my father was worried that grandma would be hungry, so he applied for a job transfer, returned to his hometown and became a village party secretary.

After my father became the village party secretary, no one in our village starved to death and no one went out to beg. Later, in the early days of reform and opening up, our village became the first village in the county to engage in sideline business to get rid of poverty and become rich. Therefore, he was rated as the Red Flag Brigade in the county, and his father became a celebrity in Shili Baxiang.

I was born and raised in such a family and spent my childhood and adolescence. I have three sisters and a brother. My father has deep-rooted traditional ideas. He is very strict with us. It seems inappropriate to speak loudly in front of him. Although his father is very strict, he has never hit us or scolded us.

In the era of material scarcity, filling the stomach is the greatest happiness. Actually, I don't have many memories of my childhood. At that time, I went to school late. When I was a child, there was no kindergarten there. Old people say that it is too early to go to school at the age of seven, and that Baba is unlucky at the age of eight. Generally speaking, we can't go to school until we are nine years old.

When I was a child, except going to the fields to pull weeds for pigs, cattle and sheep, most of them played happily and had no pressure to go to school. It is often how many times a new word is used and how many times a question is asked. Parents never care. In this way, I grew up unconsciously. Now that I think about it, it was the most carefree time in my life. But the marriage is over.

2)

People born in rural areas after 70 must have a deep understanding. At that time, marriage basically inherited the habit of parents giving orders and matchmakers' words, and free love was just the plot in the movie. I have a friend five or six years older than me. When she got engaged, her husband 19 years old. After her engagement, she went to the army. Three years later, she retired and went home to get married. The once thin boy turned into a strong man with a beard. When she got married, neither of them knew anyone. It's incredible, but it's true.

My marriage is also the words of a matchmaker and the fate of my parents. Young girls, who are not full of longing and yearning for marriage. But our marriage ended in 14 years.

I don't want to judge my ex-husband who I thought would last forever when I got married. So far, divorced women have given me the title of shame and deep inferiority. But I don't regret it, because divorce ends in pain and bottomless struggle.

Self-abasement after divorce, at the very least, is dignified, and it is to live a confident life. Although it took me nearly ten years to find myself after the divorce, fortunately, my life finally has a soul.

The ex-husband is an only child, loves to play and drink, and doesn't want to get involved, so his family values are weak. My mother-in-law has femoral head necrosis and can't go to the fields to do farm work. My father-in-law and I are basically responsible for farm work. I have planted vegetable sheds, bought vegetables, raised chickens, raised mushrooms and ran through insurance. These are my own troubles. My husband disdains making money. I like being a boss in business, but nine times out of ten, I like drinking and playing mahjong.

After more than ten years of marriage, in addition to more and more foreign debts and embattled family, the ex-husband is still raising fresh clothes and angry horses outside, trying to shape his successful image. Even if there is no money for the New Year, the old man doesn't feel guilty for helping him.

After more than ten years of marriage, the distance between me and him is getting farther and farther. Finally, after I had another woman with him, I made a decision and we divorced.

Yes, divorce may be a relief for adults and may be harmful to children. However, is an unhappy marriage necessarily perfect for children?

What I will never forget is that every time I quarrel, my children are frightened. Every time I get drunk, my home is smashed and my children's eyes are frightened.

If you feel guilty, it's for the children. I only gave my child life, but I couldn't give him a complete, warm and loving home.

Divorced in 2009. Although many people said that my life was bad when I was not divorced and I met such a man, after the divorce, many people said that I was divorced and still had children, and my heart was hard enough. In rural areas, divorce is still a disgraceful thing. There is no empathy in this world. Many people can see you fleeing your marriage in despair, but they can't see the miserable mess in your marriage.

Before we got married, a sister-in-law in our village who was ten years older than me committed suicide. Her husband loves to scold her, that is, the more people scold her, the cold violence all the year round. This daughter-in-law is gentle and introverted. After she committed suicide, she said that she was stupid, that it was better to die than to live, but she didn't want to live. Who can understand this despair?

But I can feel the helplessness without love, because I have committed suicide. I thank my ex-husband for saving my life. From then on, I understood that I can't let my child become an orphan without a mother. Even if the divorce is not understood by everyone, I will live.

3)

I clearly know that my family has no savings except a pile of foreign debts, so my divorce is tantamount to leaving home clean. But when I got home, I realized that a divorced woman with nothing had no position at home.

Although I know that my parents, brothers and sisters love me very much, the feudal thoughts of several generations have penetrated into the bone marrow, not to mention our extremely traditional family.

At first. I work in the county, 800 yuan a month. My father stipulated that I should pay 200 yuan's living expenses every month. I can understand, but my father can't accept my children, his own nephew, which is unacceptable to me.

My father thinks that the child belongs to my ex-husband's family, and I raise the child for others, so I always give the child a bad look. What mother doesn't care about her children? I can't help it I lived at home for four months and took my children to my sister's house in Jinan. From then on, I became a migrant worker in a foreign land.

My ex-husband refused to accept alimony. I know, in his nature, alimony will not come at all, and I don't want it at all. My own children hurt themselves!

After the divorce, I refused the kind introduction of others and didn't remarry. One is not out of the shadow of marriage failure, and the other is worried about the secondary harm to children. Besides, we have a custom here. If they get married for the second time, they will get married in the same month as long as they agree.

I have lived in the countryside since I was a child. I can't avoid these customs. I am not confident that I will meet the right person if I marry someone I don't know. Therefore. I refuse everyone to be a matchmaker. This undoubtedly made my father feel ashamed again.

In the first year of divorce, I spent the Spring Festival at my parents' house. Father told me to hide in the house with my children and not to come out to see anyone. I know my father loves me, and he is also very sad, but he loves face more, because I make him feel ashamed, so he has a good life.

Whenever relatives and friends at home come to pay a New Year call, I drag the child into the house and don't let her go out. When the child asked me why, my heart seemed to be pinned down by an invisible boulder. I swallowed all the tears in my stomach. Old people are most afraid of shedding tears during the Chinese New Year, but only I know how bitter the tears in my stomach are.

How can the life of a single mother be so easy? Especially in a foreign land, it is tolerable to work hard and get tired, but sometimes you are wronged when you are bullied. I called my elder sister in my hometown, and after crying, she said faintly, Who can blame? Who let us be divorced women?

When I heard this sentence, I felt as if I had been electrocuted and my hair stood on end. What happened to the divorced woman? No stealing, no robbing, no bullying, no integrity, what's the matter? But who can you tell? I seem to be covered by an invisible net. I just feel suffocated, but I can't escape. Sister is right. I finally understand what prejudice is.

I suddenly woke up and never told anyone again, no matter how wronged I was. Including relatives and best friends. I always believe that my family loves me, and I also believe that my friends care about me from the heart, but how can there be empathy in this world? Being able to understand and support you is the greatest mutual affection.

From then on, I changed my screen name and flew against the wind. If there is no shelter in life, then choose to go against the wind. As long as you are brave and walk against the wind, you can exercise your strong wings.

Just arrived in Jinan, all kinds of maladjustment, rent, commission, eating and drinking Lazar, spending money everywhere. When my child catches a cold, I may lose everything. At that time, I went to the vegetable market, not to buy food, but to pick leaves. Fortunately, my children have three meals a day in kindergarten. So I can scrimp and save. Cooking at home on weekends, I will choose tender leaves to cook for my children alone, and I will eat the old ones myself.

I remember the first time I bought meat in Jinan. I bought two yuan and felt embarrassed. I lied to the butcher that I was allergic to meat. Another time I went to the vegetable market, I rarely saw children eating prawns. I said I would buy five more instead of selling them to me, but I said I bought seven, which was the best meal my child had in the first year of divorce.

When I came to Jinan, I was looking for a part-time job in housekeeping, because I could arrange my own working hours, which was convenient for taking care of my children and the salary was relatively high. I worked hard to earn money a few years ago, even if I had a cold and a fever.

Once, I was knocked down by a van while riding a battery car. I'm afraid of delaying my work. I got up from the ground and left without looking for any injuries. When I arrived at my client's house, I found that my socks were red with blood on my legs. I was afraid that the client wouldn't let me do it, so I secretly wiped the blood clean, wrapped it in toilet paper, and limped through the pain.

There is a saying that some people try their best just to live like ordinary people, which makes me burst into tears many times. In this life, I just want to be an ordinary person, not seeking wealth, but seeking stability. However, how can the sea of life be calm?

How many nights have I stood in front of the balcony window and looked at the lights and stars in the night sky? I was in tears, lonely and depressed, and I felt a sense of wandering inside. How many times have I asked myself, how can I go home? Enough crying, standing tired, looking back at the sleeping child, I understand that I am the safest home for children in this world, dry your tears and sleep, tomorrow is another day.

Keigo Higashino once said that there are many unlucky people in the world who are angry with their fate and live with anger as their strength. Those fates that can't beat you will eventually achieve you, and those bad luck that can't beat you will help you to nirvana again.

I always believe that fate will not be too unkind to a hard-working person. Ten years of hard work, life has also given me the reward I deserve, and the days are getting better and better. Children are both sensible and clever. For the future of my children, I let nature take its course. Although every parent will have a long-term dream, as long as she is kind, healthy, happy and an ordinary person, her life will be complete.

More than ten years have passed, and this once fragile little woman has turned herself into a strong woman in the face of the challenges of life. Even though I have been hurt by life for thousands of times, I still love her as my first love.

I still believe in love, even if I am white-haired, if I can't wait in this life, I will continue in the next life. My marriage refuses indifference, and there must be love, responsibility, loyalty and companionship.

I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I didn't get a divorce. Like many rural women, I may walk around the kitchen table, surrounded by endless fireworks and sweep away endless chicken feathers. For divorce, the mood is really complicated, but I really have never regretted it.

Writing is really healing. Before I decided to write this article, how many times I touched those scars in my heart, I still felt pain, and I still could not help crying. I cried and recalled that when I finished writing the last sentence and drawing the last full stop, my heart turned out to be like a cloud, gradually clearing up.

Grateful for the past, grateful to all those who have loved and hated. I believe that everything is the best arrangement and everything will get better gradually.

I don't know when I started to form a new habit. I like to watch the sunrise in the morning and open the curtains in the morning. As long as the weather is clear and the east is getting brighter, I will look forward to it from the balcony, waiting for the morning light to dye the skyline red and the sunrise in generate. That sense of strength will make me refreshed and full of enthusiasm all day.

Speaking of which, it's time to talk about writing. I never thought that one day I could have contact with writers, because writers are as far away as the stars in the sky in my eyes. I like the freedom of literature and the written world. A person's body can be bound, but his soul can not be bound. The written world can give us poetry and distance that the real world can't.

Contact with writing, but also thanks to the COVID-19 epidemic in 2020, so that the world lost its freedom. I used to be as busy as a top, and finally I got idle and did nothing all day. I thought, why not take this opportunity to read more books?

So, I got some friends and relatives to form a book club. Coincidentally, I came into contact with a writing training camp on the Internet, which awakened my yearning for the writing world. So I reported a new media writing training camp last year 10, and I didn't know there was such a platform.

After studying new media for a month, I published several articles on that platform one after another, and my confidence in writing began to show signs. However, because I prefer literature, I always feel that there is something missing from new media. Later, when I met Miss Wuji, I added her WeChat, but I never talked about it at that time. In my eyes, Miss Promise is as bright and unattainable as the stars in the sky. I silently followed her official WeChat account and her live broadcast. I've been watching it for over half a year.

It is slowly discovered that in this era of knowledge payment, a teacher without discipline is like a clean stream. She is real and does not exaggerate her achievements. She has no ambition and is not eager for quick success. She always puts the growth of students first. Although she is young, she protects everyone in the school as the apple of her eye. This responsibility and responsibility is awe-inspiring.

I feel closer and closer to her and know more about her. She feels like a girl next door, kind and lovely. It turns out that the distance between me and the writer is not that far.

In fact, although I like literature, I also know my own level and junior high school culture. Without any writing foundation, I dare to dream as a writer only because I love it. I don't think it's appropriate to describe myself as whimsical.

But there is a poem I like very much: moss is as small as rice, but it also blooms like peony. Although I'm a bit overreaching, is it worth it to be crazy about love in my life? As long as people have dreams and dare to pursue them, humble life will become great.

I have always had a wish in my heart. My father died three years ago, and he couldn't accept me as a single mother until the last moment of his life. I want to write a book. I couldn't make my father understand me when he was alive. I want to comfort him in this way. I just hope he can make peace with my daughter, who makes him very uneasy. I don't want him to be in heaven with human regrets again.

It's at my speed. I wanted to enroll in a 90-day novel class this year, but after much deliberation, I entered the school ahead of time. I want to follow the teacher, and I think I can get the result I want.

Because I like literature and novels, everything here is my favorite. 2022 has begun, all the past is a preface, and all the future is expectation. Grateful to every outstanding colleague, grateful to all the encounters, and join hands in 2022.