Learn Buddhism to cure depression, dispel the haze, and move towards the light

I have always wanted to talk to you about my experience and feelings about learning Buddhism. Although I personally do not want to look back at the suffering I have suffered before, but because I deeply feel the inconceivability of Buddhism, I I would like to write my own story, hoping to inspire everyone.

Daughter is depressed, mother is in pain

I came into contact with Buddhism because of my daughter’s depression. My daughter has been well-behaved, sensible, considerate, and has excellent grades since she was a child. When she was in the sixth grade, she was admitted to a private elementary school, which is a famous school in our city. After graduating from elementary school, he entered the junior high school of the school with the second grade in grade. I also performed well in the entrance placement test and entered the top class. I am very proud of my daughter's achievements, and I think she will continue to be this outstanding.

However, all this came to an abrupt end in the second semester of her second year of junior high school. Once, when I was holding my daughter's hand, I accidentally discovered that some of the scratches on her hand had scabbed over. My daughter, who was chatting and laughing with me just now, was silent for a moment and kept crying. I called the teacher and my daughter burst into tears. At first, I thought she was under too much pressure because I gave birth to my younger daughter when she was in her first year of junior high school and I didn’t have time to spend with her. I thought it would be better if I paid more attention to her, but I didn't know she was suffering from depression at the time.

Since then, I have carefully cared for my daughter, tried every means to accompany her, and even rented a house near her school to accompany her. I thought it would be fine, but it didn’t. Gradually, she could no longer attend classes and often asked for leave. Later, she simply canceled all extracurricular tutoring. But even so, she still couldn't attend class normally. At the end of the first semester of the third grade of junior high school, the school issued a policy of direct admission to high school. She was admitted directly to the main high school without having to review cultural classes, which made her mood feel better.

During the summer vacation of 2018, I signed up my daughter for a summer camp in Japan, hoping that she would go out more and relax. But just one month after she entered school, she said she couldn't hold on anymore and wanted to drop out of school. I don't want to accept this result. The school's cost-effectiveness rate is over 98%. Even under the circumstances, my daughter's grades were still average, so I am still struggling in my heart, hoping that she can persevere.

In October 2018, my daughter could no longer get out of bed. Every morning when I pick her up, she screams hysterically and turns pale. He wouldn't talk when he came back at noon and evening, and later it got to the point where he wouldn't sleep at night because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. I felt so distressed, and thought to myself, forget it. I want my daughter, but I don’t want grades, so I’ll take a leave of absence. Having said that, I still have expectations in my heart.

After returning home from leave, my daughter couldn’t get out of bed at all. She almost didn’t leave the room and didn’t even eat with us. When she went to the hospital to see a doctor, she didn't say a word. The doctor prescribed medicine, but she never saw the effect. Instead, she felt more and more serious. She would throw hysterical tantrums at every turn and even bite me for no reason. I started thinking that I would bite her as long as she could feel better, but then I stopped her when it hurt too much. This triggered an even stronger reaction from her: calling me all kinds of swear words, asking me why I gave birth to her, and saying that all of this was... The crime I committed was that she wanted to die and asked me to help her die without pain... It was like this every day. It often scared my two-year-old daughter and said, "Mom, let's go, we don't care about my sister." She looked frightened. I feel so bad for my broken little daughter.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what the problem is, and I don’t know where the way out is. But life goes on and there is no escape. I force myself to smile every day because I still have an innocent little daughter who needs to be taken care of, and my sick eldest daughter cannot live without me. I cannot fall down. At this time, my husband also had physical problems. Myocardial enzymes were more than 100 times higher than the normal value. I suspected that there was a heart problem. His whole body was swollen. He looked more and more like what he looked like when my father-in-law passed away. I didn't dare to look at him.

Sometimes when he was sleeping, he would suddenly sit up because he was out of breath, which scared me so much that I listened to his breathing all night, just in case something happened. The younger daughter is also in poor health and was hospitalized twice in 2018. One time, the doctor said to me: "You are a pretty good mother. The child can't even breathe, yet he is still so calm."

"I didn't say anything, thinking what if I don't calm down the child? Anyway, all the suffering has come, and there is no one around me who can help. This despair is not just a little bit. I also want to die every day, but I can't.

Later, my daughter said that she should be hospitalized. She was afraid that one day she would not be able to hold it back and commit suicide. Seeing the old and new wounds on her arms, beneath my calm expression was a heart that was broken and then torn and crushed. In January 2019, my daughter was admitted to the hospital, but she still bit me. Others told her not to do this, but I said it was better than her scratching her own arm. She still often commits suicide, so I can only follow her step by step. When she couldn't jump off the building, she hit the wall. I quickly stood in front of her, and she yelled even more, telling me to go away. In short, whether you like it or not, you have to accept the suffering when it comes.

Fortunately, I encountered Buddhism and got to know Donglin.

The so-called seeking medical treatment in a hurry is like a drowning person. In despair, he will hold on to whatever he can in an attempt to save himself. I started to get in touch with Buddhism at the end of November 2018. I never stopped trying it for a day. No matter how many doubts I had in my heart, I still followed the lessons. I started by reciting the Ksitigarbha Sutra every day, and after taking refuge in December, I slowly added the "Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva's Universal Door", "Heart Sutra", "Great Compassion Mantra", "Diamond Sutra" and Buddha's name. The "Ksitigarbha Sutra" will be published one piece a day until the beginning of April 2019, and the "Diamond Sutra" will be published from the end of January 2019 until now.

What makes me happy is that after doing this for a period of time, my daughter gradually changed from not wanting to see anyone to being willing to have contact with the outside world. I started going to the gym in March, and sometimes go out with friends on weekends, and my mood is better than before.

In April 2019, a senior brother sent a message to the Buddhism study group for patients with depression, welcoming everyone to participate in Donglin Temple activities. After hearing the news, I especially hoped that my daughter could participate, but I was worried that she would not be willing to go because she is still repulsive to Buddhism. I tried to talk to her, but she actually agreed.

By a combination of fate, I took my daughter to Donglin Temple. This was also a turning point in my study of Buddhism. Since then, I have not only increased my confidence, but also found a direction for learning Buddhism. I have always been fumbling in learning Buddhism before, not knowing how to start. I just learned whatever the people around me asked me to learn, and I had no direction of my own. When I arrived at Donglin Temple, I suddenly felt like I was back with my parents in my hometown, even better than going back to my hometown. We get up at 4:20 every morning to do morning classes, and then listen to Master’s lectures. Master also takes us on a walk, releases animals, worships, and offers lamps.

Every day is so fulfilling. I have never experienced such a feeling of peace of mind. This is a place that is warmer and more peaceful than home. I am willing to stay here forever and never leave. All the masters are so kind and compassionate. In a communication and sharing class, when I told Master about my daughter, I couldn't help but burst into tears. Master asked me to take my daughter to him after class. Then Master gave my daughter in-depth and simple instructions. My daughter began to harvest the nectar of Buddhism and a heart of sincere care.

During the few days at Donglin Temple, although my daughter often lay in bed and did not move, she would also participate in activities. She said that she felt that Donglin Temple did have blessings, because once someone accused her of something, she would have exploded emotionally before, but this time she could hold it back and only cried when she saw me. I see hope! When I left Donglin Temple, my sadness was beyond words. I kept crying while sitting in the car, feeling extremely lost.

Specialize in pure karma and transform your family into a Buddha.

I immediately adjusted my homework when I got home. According to Master’s instructions, I started to specialize in meditation. I insist on doing morning service every day, reciting the "Buddha Speaks of Amitabha Sutra" and "Diamond Sutra", chanting Buddha's name, worshiping Buddha, reading the Five Pure Land Sutras and listening to Master Da'an's lectures. Except for the distraction of taking care of my children, I spend all my time immersed in Buddhism. I listen to Master Da'an's lectures while doing housework, and recite Buddha's name while walking and sleeping. If anyone wants to chat with me, I really think it's a waste of time.

I feel that I know too little, so I want to listen to all Master Daan’s lectures.

I never took it to heart, but around May, I recovered from the disease without treatment.

I don’t want to praise illness and suffering, but illness and suffering often make people seriously face the issue of life and death, and make people renounce instead of indulging in pleasure and numbing themselves. Looking at it from another perspective, suffering may be an opportunity, the cause and condition of our salvation, reminding us not to indulge in reincarnation, but to believe and recite the Buddha's name, to seek the ultimate happiness in life, and thus move towards true liberation and true light!

Namo Amitabha!

"Pure Land" magazine 2019 fourth issue