Effective parenting, be a yelling-free mother!

Effective parenting, be a yelling-free mother! Belief 1: Only by observing interactions can we understand children

Every word and deed, the words spoken and the decisions made are related to the entire environmental system and the interaction with others. Apply belief in parent-child interaction, that is, in various forms of interactions between parents and children, including tone, volume, tone, expressions, body movements, etc., children receive certain messages and emotions from their parents and make decisions after understanding them. Parents can also understand their children's situation from their own perspective through the feedback given by their children.

However, in real life, other important people may be involved, such as grandpa and grandma, or they may be affected by social situations, such as being watched by other parents or strangers in the park, Situational pressures such as speech interfere with parents’ responses. Belief 2: Understand the reasons behind the behavior

Most of the behaviors a person performs, including what he says and what he does, have reasons behind them. These reasons may be used to be hidden, so they are not easy to be discovered. In addition to the performance His behavior is like a colorful smoke bomb, too eye-catching, and even makes people get lost in it, allowing the hidden reasons to hide safely. After losing control of your emotions and yelling, you can do these exercises

In addition to being aware of the above two beliefs and examining the reasons why you yelled at your children, you may also try to think from different angles, including taking a deep breath and taking a breath. Emotions: How was your state on the day or the days before and after you lost control of your emotions? Did you sleep poorly or was under a lot of stress? Try to objectively recall the situation at the time. Who was present? What did you hear or see at that time that made you feel uncomfortable or anxious, and how did you respond? What reasons or experiences made this incident a fuse that ignited your emotions? Are these uncomfortable emotions related to the values ????that you value? belief.

Only by understanding and accepting yourself can you have the energy and courage to change your perspective and view and empathize with your children or the people around you with a more open perspective. If parents are often unable to clarify their own situation, the so-called "change of mind" is just forcing themselves, not sincerely feeling that there are other possibilities. Encourage parents to share and discuss with their significant other in a way that makes them feel comfortable. After all, their significant other is also an important part of this interactive circle.

Quit yelling and teach children to be independent

When conflicts arise between parents and children, parents must first sort out and settle their own emotions. Listen to the child's feelings and thoughts, then discuss the process with the child in language that the child can understand, describe one's own feelings without accusation, and practice repairing the relationship with the child. Psychologist You Xiuya emphasized that repairing relationships is a very important part of learning, allowing children to accumulate many successful experiences from the experience of repairing family relationships, which will help them become more responsive in dealing with interpersonal issues in the future.

From marriage, pregnancy, childbirth to parenting, parents are experiencing changes in their life roles, responsibilities, lifestyles, etc., and pressure continues to accumulate. Mothers in particular are experiencing the challenges of physical and mental changes, which may have a negative impact on their health. He is criticized more and more, and his evaluation is getting lower and lower, which even affects his emotional stability. Dad also has to take on more responsibilities and learn to get along with his children from scratch. Encourage parents to encourage, affirm and support each other more, understand the status of both parties, and face various parenting problems together.

However, when parents stop yelling at their children to discipline them, what should they do to make parenting more effective and the parent-child relationship to be closer? The following principles are for reference.

?Educate with awareness and establish a cooperative relationship:

Both parents must have awareness of the standards of behavior required of their children, cooperate and support each other, and treat each other as God teammates.

?Consistent parenting principles:

When disciplining children, other important family members may join in. The parenting principles of the whole family should be as consistent as possible with respect to the norms proposed by the primary caregiver.

?The rules should be clear, simple, and suitable for the child's ability:

The rules for raising children should be clear, concise, easy to understand, suitable for the child's ability, and firm requirements. Parents must respect their children Talk it out first and then implement it. It’s not about parents talking and children doing it.

? Make good use of rewards and do not abuse them:

Emotional rewards have greater long-term benefits than material ones, and the decision-making power rests with parents.

? Courage to face parenting problems:

When encountering parenting situations, be able to face them bravely, discuss possible applicable methods with teammates, friends or professional psychologists, be flexible and diverse Solve problems. When parents are willing to find resources and try different methods to deal with problems, children also learn from their parents' example and attitude towards facing and handling difficulties.

? Discuss his tasks with your child:

Practice discussing mutually acceptable tasks with your child, give time to complete them, cultivate your child's confidence and improve self-control. When parents discuss with their children, they do not do so from the perspective that the parents find it easy and the children can implement it, but from the perspective of the children, giving them things they can be responsible for based on their age and ability.

?Encourage the child specifically:

See the child take the initiative to complete what he should do, clearly state the child's efforts and contribution to himself or the family, and give substantial encouragement.

?Find your own way of relieving stress:

Parents themselves can improve their understanding of themselves through various methods and find suitable ways to relieve stress or relieve stress. Place. If the way to relieve yourself is to be alone for a while, you might as well use the 5 minutes in the toilet to relax your mood or listen to music before facing your child's problem.

?Give appropriate expectations based on the child’s status:

Children have completely different focuses from adults, especially children of different ages and genders, their development, preferences and personal temperaments The differences are quite large. The better parents understand their children's status, the more they can set appropriate expectations and reduce the emotional fluctuations caused by the gap in expectations. Effective parenting, be a yelling-free mother! When parents remind their children to do what they should do, they say it in a good voice twice. On the third time, some parents start to raise the decibel level, but the child is still indifferent, so the parents start to yell at the child directly. However, long-term use of yelling discipline methods will not only fail to improve children's motivation or enthusiasm to complete their responsibilities, but may also cause their character to become increasingly passive.

Parents who have young children at home will inevitably have a situation where they repeatedly remind their children what they should do in a good voice, and finally the children are indifferent, and the volume of the parents' preaching gradually increases...Grace Psychological Consultation You Xiuya, a consultant psychologist, said that when parents try to use many ways to remind and demand their children, and after many efforts to control their temper, the child still does not show cooperative behavior or willingness, it is indeed easy for the parent's rational line to break and change. Use yelling discipline.

According to counseling experience, parents often complain that their children do not listen. Some fathers even complain that mothers spoil their children too much, causing the children to fail to complete what they should do. Mothers feel that the children are still young and should be slow to follow the rules. He is slow to teach and doesn’t agree with his father’s strict discipline. Different attitude differences make parenting more difficult for parents. In addition, we also found that when parents roar louder and louder, they are often not directed at their children, but to vent their own grievances and anger towards their significant other.

Extended reading: Teach him not to insult him, 9 discipline methods that parents must know that do not hurt their self-esteem

When either parent reminds and regulates the child, the parent Whether both parties and other important members of the family (for example, grandparents) have a consistent understanding of what each other considers to be "important reminders, certain norms, and parenting strategies", or whether they can adapt and cooperate with each other, all affect the child. The willingness to accept and follow norms. If there is a gap in the upbringing values ??between parents and family members, it is easy for children to find a backer and choose sides. If parents notice that they often yell at their children but it loses its effectiveness, please stop using this method of discipline first to avoid repeating the same cycle. Psychologist You Xiuya encourages parents: "Stop for a moment and think about what went wrong? What needs to be adjusted? Rather than Let the invalid state loop endlessly. "The negative effects of roaring discipline

"How many times have I told you?" and "Why don't you listen?" When parents repeatedly persuade their children to behave naughtyly, the children do not. When repeated advice is disobeyed, parents may feel a fire burning in their chests and begin to roar at their children.

In fact, if parents are used to yelling to discipline their children, it will easily have a negative impact on self-satisfaction, parent-child relationship, and children's character development. Accumulating frustrations on both sides

From a parent’s perspective, it is easy to feel frustrated when several methods are tried but still not working. When frustrations continue to accumulate, it will lead to more self-blame, disappointment, and helplessness. Emotions such as help, complaint, anger, anxiety, irritability, etc. These emotions need to be vented, which often turn into fierce curses and even severe corporal punishment. These situations are especially likely to happen to mothers, because mothers feel that "I should do it" and "I should teach my children well." If the results are not as expected, she will be disappointed in herself and her children, complaining that her husband does not help with discipline, which will lead to long-term In the end, not only will it cause a great loss to one's own self-confidence, but it will also easily have a negative impact on the relationship between husband and wife and family.

From a child's perspective, some children are emotionally sensitive. Even at a young age, they can feel negative emotions when they see their parents' disappointed, angry and sad eyes or when they hear a change in tone of voice. , causing fear or fear. Since children are not very good at dealing with fearful emotions, they may freeze, cry, run away, throw things, and bite things. Older children understand their parents’ anger in their own way, and often blame it on themselves. , and also feel frustrated because they cannot please their parents. Feeling of guilt

After some parents get angry, they tend to feel regretful about the out-of-control situation just now. They feel that the child just did not eat and sleep well, and it is not a serious sin. There is no need to yell at him, and they feel that they are damaging the relationship with the child. Guilt. When parents feel guilty, they usually want to make up for the damaged relationship, so some parents will eat snacks or buy small toys to please their children. Over time, the children will learn to use conditional exchange after the parents get mad and scold them. Gain a sense of control in relationships. Forming a negative self-concept

When children build up their understanding of themselves, they mostly develop it slowly through interactions with others and through other people’s opinions and treatment methods. Especially what parents say, children He often absorbs everything. For example, his family often praises him and encourages him to be great. In addition, he gains more understanding through exploration and gradually forms a concept of himself. Therefore, family interaction experience often affects the child most deeply until he grows up. The focus will gradually shift to peers, but the influence of family will still exist.

When children are often yelled at, they may have the misunderstanding that "they are not liked by their parents", or they may absorb the blaming language of their parents when they are out of control, thinking that they are "selfish, lazy, disobedient, For children who are "unfilial and difficult to discipline", these depressing thoughts will not only fail to produce the expected motivational effect, but will instead cause them to dislike and be dissatisfied with themselves, further reducing their motivation to change. As the child grows up, if these concepts are not transformed and the child develops a new and good self-understanding, the child will expand the negative effects and deliberately oppose the parents. Develop inappropriate ways of coping with stress

When children observe that their parents are about to lose control of their emotions and feel pressure and tension, they are prone to direct resistance (for example, talking back) or escape (for example, hiding in the room). Protect yourself. When children are young, due to their limited oral expression ability, they may resist by crying. When they get older, they may quarrel with their parents, or even directly copy the words their parents blame them for, and use it in interpersonal relationships at school, hurting others. and myself.

As for the "escape" situation, parents chase and accuse their children, but the children completely ignore them and even hide in the room and close the door to isolate themselves. In the long run, once the children feel stressed, they will easily behave in similar ways. Way to respond. Psychologist You Xiuya pointed out that when children encounter interpersonal or academic problems in their studies in the future, they may not take the initiative to clarify them and choose to ignore and avoid them. Continuous negative interaction cycle

People's behaviors, thoughts and feelings are mostly developed in interaction, and over time they will form established patterns and cycles. When the cycle continues to destroy the relationship, it is unhealthy. cycle.

However, since it is an interactive cycle, behavioral responses will affect both directions and are "variable". Therefore, if one link in the cycle is removed or changed, it may be possible to prevent the other party from having new emotions, thoughts and ideas. Behavioral reactions, for example: the mother yells at the child, and the child also loses her temper and cries. If the mother stops yelling when the child cries loudly, she changes her behavior, such as changing the focus and playing calmer and soothing music or Give the child water to drink, and the child may feel relieved and have new reactions. Lack of self-esteem

"Self-esteem" has a considerable influence on a person's self-concept, self-worth, self-confidence, and emotions. It is extremely important for both parents and children. In the process of yelling and disciplining, parents who try their best to educate can easily feel the loss of not being taken seriously. They feel that their children are not listening, ignored, and seem to be ignored. The children are also being scolded and feel Self-esteem suffers. The stereotype of attribution

Simply put, "attribution" is the explanation of the cause of the event. For example: For the situation where the child "should be able to do it" but "failed to complete it", most parents are prone to " Based on my understanding of the child, I intuitively determined that the child was "deliberately uncooperative" for some reason. When psychologist You Xiuya communicates with parents, in addition to confirming their understanding of their children, she also tries to discuss with them whether there are other reasons why their children always react the same way. For example, when you have a cold, feel unwell, or encounter difficulties, most parents will stop and think about it at this time and propose possibilities.

Thinking about it from another angle, attribution can be regarded as a kind of labeling. Once a child is labeled, people will be used to seeing him in the same light and reduce the need to understand and guess other factors from different angles; furthermore, , if parents continue to view their children in this way, the children will also view themselves with the same attitude and form a deep self-concept. Imbalance of family role status

Psychologist You Xiuya once heard the child describe that as long as he could remember, because he was naughty when he was a child, his mother always scolded him loudly and used various methods to discipline him. Over time, he gradually became paralyzed. , and even found that his mother could at best scold him and scold him, but in fact, she couldn't help him. From the child's eyes and his mother's response, one can't help but wonder who is the eldest child in the family?

In fact, role imbalance is a long-term result. Parents work hard to raise their children, but they are unable to show authority and respect. The children feel that their parents cannot teach them and there is nothing they can do to them. When parents yell at their children with all their strength, they need to change their perspective and think about how their children view this situation.