What are the stories with big brain holes?

The rogue years of Tang Priest | spoofing Journey to the West

Preface

This story is a bit dirty. To tell the truth, I really don't want to post it. If I hadn't finished writing the story of today's thoughts, I wouldn't have taken this blind alley (the truth is: I decided to post today's story next Friday temporarily, so I can write it well. After all, it's a little brain-burning, and I have to stroke it.

therefore, for the sake of readers' physical and mental health, I sent a castrated version.

The story was inspired by a question from Zhihu, "What would it be like if the Monkey King and Tang Priest reversed their personalities in Journey to the West? ",so please don't be surprised when you see a rogue Tang priest.

This story happened one day before the havoc in the Heavenly Palace ...

Tips: It is forbidden to read this story in Sao Nian, who is under the age of 18, or to read it to her parents.

(1)

When I first met Cicada, he was flirting with Chang 'e.

"Little darling, I heard that you can't find anyone nearby except rabbits in the Guanghan Palace on WeChat. Why don't we add a friend, and when you are lonely, my brother can have a live interaction with you ~"

"You monk, you are not serious, be careful to be seen by the people of the Jade Emperor, and you will say that I am a water-based flower."

"The Jade Emperor is a diao. My boss is a Buddhist monk, but his men are not bodhisattvas. There are 5 arhats alone, all of which are diplomas from Shaolin Temple. You can't get along in Lingshan unless you are proficient in 72 stunts! If you want to fight, can the Jade Emperor do it? "

"Come on, you think you can fool me with a few words? Thought I was a virgin of eighteen? It doesn't count how old I am from the Houyi era to the present. As a' leftover fighter', I haven't seen anything! "

"hey! We'll see. If I don't give you some color, you won't know the boundless brightness of my forehead. "

(2)

It was not until they left the Flat Peach Garden that the Monkey King solved the method of fixing the seven fairies.

"Seven female bodhisattvas, don't tell anyone about today's events, otherwise, another catastrophe in heaven is inevitable."

(3)

The heavenly queen is taking a bath in Tianhe.

golden cicada: bitch, how can I pee when you have made the whole river dirty?

queen mother: * grandpa, I was washing downstream, what's bothering you upstream?

golden cicada: *, you still swear?

The Queen Mother suddenly felt something was wrong: * Uncle, did you watch me take a bath so blatantly?

golden cicada: that's better than peeping openly, right?

Following the direction of Golden Cicada's finger, the Queen Mother saw Marshal Tianpeng, King Tota Li Tian, Erlang God, General Shutter, Grandfather Lao Jun, Nezha, Giant Spirit God, WU GANG, Jade Rabbit, Four Heavenly Kings, and cadres at or above the regimental level of 1, Heavenly Soldiers scurrying away from the grass together.

Queen Mother: Damn, you really peed!

golden cicada: when people walk, the water is cold. I'll heat you up.

(4)

Taibai Venus: There is a book to start, and there is no book to retreat from the DPRK.

heavenly queen: I have a copy for my male and female servants, and I'm Jin Chanzi, the special envoy of Xitian in the Heavenly Palace.

Jade Emperor: Alas ... Daughter-in-law, if you have anything to say at home, you have to move to work!

Queen Mother: Husband, what this golden cicada has done to me can no longer be treated as a private matter, which simply hurts the feelings of our Chinese nation!

The Jade Emperor yawned: Ok, ok, you go ahead.

Queen Mother: Golden cicada, he, he, he, he actually watched me take a bath! Husband, you must make decisions for the male and female servants!

Marshal Tianpeng: Beast

Tota Li Tianwang: Beast

Erlang God: Beast

Shutter General: Beast Wow!

the old gentleman on the throne: what a fucking beast

Nezha: an animal, not a human being

the giant spirit god: really, an animal

the Four Seas Dragon King: it turns out that he is such an animal

The Four Heavenly Kings: this animal can never be tolerated!

cadres at or above the regimental level with 1, heavenly soldiers: for the tribe! Neng, dead beast.

yutu: birds, hens, hentai, die!

Taibai Venus: I seem to have missed something ...

The Jade Emperor played with earwax, and Ge You lay down on the dragon chair: Hey, just look at it. I'm going to China, and I still care about looking at it. My daughter-in-law and all the lovers are serious!

Seven fairies broke into Tongming Hall.

"Father, Cicada not only peeked at her mother's bath, but also molested Chang 'e's sister! ! ！”

"what?" The Jade Emperor jumped up and said, "Damn beast!"

(5)

Tathagata Telephone: I said, Brother, it's time for you to make your siblings converge.

jade emperor: what?

Tathagata: She is so dependent on her mother, how can she-how can she openly watch my apprentice Xiaojin pee!

Jade Emperor: Is there such a thing?

Tathagata: Actually, I don't mind watching it. It's just that the size of Xiaojin doesn't reach our average in the west! If you think that he represents our Western Heaven, then our faces are ... right, we are all men ... Fuck ... toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot ... < P > Taibai Venus: Jade Emperor, Tathagata scolded you and hung up on you again! It's not you he's fucking, it's our heavenly face!

the other end of the phone.

Tathagata: I'm worried about ...

DuDu DuDu ...

Tathagata: Why did the phone get disconnected?

Lohan the Dragon: Boss, the Jade Emperor dared to hang up on you. Isn't that a slap in the face? Copy the guy or not, we will wait for your word with 5 arhats.

Tathagata stubbed out a cigarette at the corner of the table and said with a strong Trump:

"Old Bazi not only bullied me, but also bullied me, so it's really necessary to put your ancestors on the plate for a day!"

(6)

When the Monkey King found the golden cicada, he had just cut the telephone line.

"Young monk, telephone lines are not only public property, but also communication equipment. According to the first paragraph of Article 124 of China's Criminal Law, whoever destroys public telecommunication facilities and endangers the safety of public * * shall be sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment of not less than three years but not more than seven years, and if serious consequences are caused, he shall be sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment of not less than seven years."

golden cicada picked up a Lanzhou: "monkey boy, I didn't expect you to know so much, so how many years should I be sentenced to?"

the Monkey King: The sentence is still light. You know that what you just did is about to provoke a war between heaven and the West. If things break out, how many lives will be lost and how many wives will be separated, mainly because the price rises and bananas are expensive. You know that I'm a Bi Mawen, but I'm only a civil servant of grade 27, and my grandson doesn't embezzle or misappropriate public funds. When bananas are expensive, I'm farther away from my dream of saving money to buy a house.

the Monkey King: Don't be angry. Being angry will violate the precepts of anger. You Tathagata don't always say that if you burn Kutokuhayashi, a million obstacles will open. You have worked so hard to practice for so many generations, and it's a pity that it will all be ruined if you get angry. Your mother knows how sad it is. By the way, how is your mother recently?

golden cicada: hold the grass, if you don't shut up, I'll go!

said, and threw the unfinished cigarette fart on the ground.

the Monkey King: Xiaojin, you are so naughty. Don't throw things around. Come and take them ... Why did you ... come and take them? Right ... You didn't finish talking with me. Why did you throw them away again! Lanzhou cigarettes have a story ... Miss Dong, the night time in the Drum Tower is in a hurry. Stranger, please give me a Lanzhou ... Have you heard this song? Yes, that fat man named Donye.S sang, Donye.S is not Li Daimo!

Golden cicada's eyes dilated, and she read the mantra and teleported.

(7)

Teleportation is the only skill that Cicada has learned after five hundred years with the Tathagata.

the last thought before the teleport is the destination of this teleport.

Cicada has returned to Alcatraz, a place where he was born and raised.

"hey? This is ..... "Bumper first saw him, a little disbelieved in his eyes, and rubbed it specially:" Xiaojin? It's really Xiaojin, come on, everyone, Xiaojin is back to see everyone! "

After all, the golden cicada hasn't come back for 5 years.

When Ben Bo shouted, Bai Jingjing, Spider Essence, Jade-faced Rat Essence, Huang Paoguai, Black Bear Essence, nine head worm and other monsters all gathered around, hammering and hitting Golden Cicada, pressing on the ground and severely stepping on his crotch, and Black Bear Essence even sat on his face and farted.

This is Alcatraz's way of expressing love.

Only close friends are qualified to kick the crotch, and only best friends are qualified to sit on your face and fart.

Eating you is the greatest respect for a demon, and it also shows that your feelings have escalated to the ultimate stage.

Cicada is the most popular person in Alcatraz. Every demon wants to eat him. Five hundred years ago, there was a group fight over who could eat him.

In the end, Guanyin came to visit Alcatraz Island, thinking that the monsters wanted the golden cicada, so he "saved" him.

In the 5 years since he left Alcatraz, Cicada has never been happy for a day.

(8)

But now, Cicada is very happy.

"Xiong Da, your fart stinks more than before!" Golden cicada stood up with tears in her eyes and slapped the black bear essence in the face.

The black bear spirit laughed, swung the golden cicada and fell back and forth seven times.

"It's so cool, all my bones and muscles are open!" Golden cicada twisted her neck and distributed Lanzhou cigarettes to her friends.

nine head worm said, Xiaobai, you have been grinding white powder for 5 years. Now Xiaojin is back, why don't you take it out quickly and let the brothers get high?

Bai Gujing ran back to get drugs.

(9)

After smoking a mouthful of heroin, the cicada shivered: It's still good to be a fucking demon. I haven't been at home for a day since I got up there.

Jade-faced Rat Spirit: Brother Jin, then don't go. My sister misses you so much.

with that, he whipped golden cicadas with ten big mouths.

I am envious of other monsters.

Golden cicada wiped the blood from the corners of her mouth, and drew back 2 mouthfuls of rat poison: Brother misses you more.

the mousetrap is full of peach blossoms.

(1)

Huang Paoguai said earnestly, "Don't go. Although Alcatraz is lonely and lacks freedom, we are happy! I don't think immortals are as good as us. "

Jin Chanzi said, Brother can't help himself now.

Huang Paoguai: What? Don't Tathagata let people go? Why don't our brothers make Alcatraz and hit him in the west!

Jin cicada said, Brother Paozi, calm down. Alcatraz can't be rushed out with our present ability, let alone go to the West! I have seen the kung fu of the five hundred arhats. One of them is Xu Zhu, who can plant life and death charms. All the goblins who have been planted with life and death charms don't mention that kind of pain ...

The demons let out a sigh.

Bai Gujing asked, Brother Xiaojin, is the world outside fun?

yes, brother and sister want to go out, too, said the mouse.

The golden cicada took a sip of his cigarette and spit out a big white smoke ring: Soon, soon ... I made a deal with the Tathagata, and if it works, the brothers will be free.

"what business?"

golden cicada said with a smile, if the Tathagata looks at heaven early, let me find fault with the Jade Emperor! If heaven can be brought down, the right to speak in the West will be even higher.

"how?"

golden cicada: I won't talk about details. Anyway, that's my task ... When it's done, Tathagata will help me to take refuge in the lower world, and he also said that he would find a trick to learn from the scriptures and wash my face.

"learn from the scriptures?"

Golden Cicada: Yes, hey, whatever he takes, I agree anyway, but only if I talk to Tathagata-after the job is done, I have to set my brothers in Alcatraz free ...

Group Demons: What did he say?

Golden Cicada spits out another smoke ring: What is more important than bringing down the heaven? Even if I offer to give me the lotus elevator under his ass to play, he has to agree ...

(11)

"Monkey smashing? Is the monkey at home? "

the Monkey King was watering the flowers and weeding when Cicada walked into the flat peach garden.

Some cute little insects were accidentally washed by the water in the Monkey King, so he had to carry them out of the dangerous place again. Have a long snack, little ones, and replace them with others. Aren't you dead early?

"Little monk, why are you here?" The Monkey King a monkey face gentle smile.

golden cicada: you idiot, are you still smiling? Are you smiling? Did you make it? What are you doing now?

the Monkey King: Don't talk in a hurry, and don't swear. Talking with people slowly is a kind of respect and a kind of accomplishment ...

Cicada: STOP! I'm telling you, now the heaven is having a flat peach party, and all the immortals in the sky-except you and me-have been invited. Tell me, isn't this to look down on our brothers?

the Monkey King: Hey, it's just a flat peach party. Do you think I care about those peaches when I'm guarding the huge peach garden? As civil servants of heaven, we must obey the arrangement of organization and leadership, and put the overall situation first. Since I was not invited, I could not show up. If you want to eat peaches, pick any peaches in this garden, and I'll ask the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for reimbursement.

Golden Cicada: Bah, you silly monkey, people are riding on your head to pee, and you are still acting like nothing happened-I'll stroke you. Hello, high flyers, who came back from studying at Samsung Magic University in Xi Niu He Zhou Xie Yue, and who is your master? The famous big professor in the three realms, the great doctor, the bodhi old zu grape who never gets the travelling expenses by running, earnestly studies, and teaches and educates people in a down-to-earth manner. After you graduated, you were originally mixed up as a leader in Dongsheng Shenzhou, but after you were promoted by Heaven, you were just a horse-raiser and a gardener ... Holding grass, if I were you, could I stand it? Look at all the immortals in the sky. Who has a higher education than you? Who has a better skill than you? Damn it, these grandchildren can go to the Flat Peach Blossom Party. Why can't you go? I will fight for you!

the Monkey King was deeply moved when he saw Jin Cicada's angry face.

"I appreciate your kindness, young monk, but I once swore that I would devote myself to development, seriously engage in construction, not complain, not expect, not destroy the inner league building of the immortals, adhere to the leadership of the Jade Emperor, and use Theory of Three Represents and Scientific Outlook on Development as weapons to build a harmonious heaven, a green heaven and a rational heaven ..."

Golden cicada: Oh, my god! Forget it, since you don't want to complain, I'll stand up for you and be sure to grab a seat for you!

the Monkey King: Little monk ...

The golden cicada teleported.

the Monkey King sighed: There are few such warm-hearted comrades in heaven ... But how can I ignore the overall situation because of my personal feelings?

(12)

"Monkey! Save me. "

Half an hour later, the golden cicada moved to the flat peach garden in the Monkey King.

the Monkey King: Don't worry, young monk. Take a sip of water first. You look sweaty. You just got back from Sanya, right? You can go to Sanya, but you can't go now. Where can you travel to Sanya in the summer, although Sanya ...

Golden cicada: Stop nagging, time is limited, please listen to me-I'm in trouble!

the Monkey King: It's good to correct your mistakes. Now that you know that you are in trouble, it means that you have already repented. There is no end to your misery, and you have already turned back and landed. I'm very glad.

Jin Chanzi: Don't interrupt, just hear me out-

the Monkey King: OK, interrupting is really not a good habit. As high flyers who returned from studying abroad, if I don't even have this quality, I'm ashamed of the cultivation of nine-year compulsory education ...

Jin Chanzi: Holding grass! I'm about to be struck by lightning,