1996 Both boys and girls are 25 years old. Why don't they want to get married? Profound analysis

There is an old couple in Tianjin, aged 86 and 84, who want to divorce.

Although there are very few divorces at this age, what is even less is that they tortured each other for 57 years before letting go!

And the height of life AA!

To what extent is AA?

1. The kitchens are used in staggered hours.

2. Everyone puts a layer of things in the refrigerator.

There are two kitchen knives.

It's been done for decades.

What is even more shocking is that her two biological daughters are still engaged in opposition, each standing on one side and hating each other! !

People can't help but sigh, what kind of immortal life this is for so many years. ...

(For the above examples, please refer to the following table.)

In my consultation, both men and women's fear and unwillingness to get married have become the most sincere voices in the hearts of many young people.

Enlarged to the whole society, fear of marriage has become a very common phenomenon.

But when it comes to reasons, men and women are somewhat different.

The reason why boys don't get married

Boys generally bear heavy economic pressure: house, car, bride price, child care ... without the support of the family, it is difficult for a young man to cope with these huge expenses. Of course, there are some boys who have neither money nor know how to get along with women. These people are afraid of marriage.

Reasons why girls don't get married

Girls are less afraid of getting married because of economic pressure. However, due to the trivial marital status of parents or others around them,

Full of scruples about uncertain marriage, most of the reasons are as follows:

1. I am worried that my passion will dissipate after marriage and I will make myself a dissatisfied wife.

2. Worried about marrying a male chauvinist husband and turning himself into a yellow-faced woman with heavy housework;

3. Worried about meeting a mother-in-law boy, the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law forced her to become a shrew;

I'm worried about meeting a shopkeeper. Widowhood and child-rearing have forced me to be a tiger mother beyond recognition.

I have heard many girls say that choosing marriage is to live for others all my life, which is extreme, but it is undeniable that in this era, family and marriage still have high requirements for women.

But the reality is: "Many women have awakened their self-awareness and have enough economic strength to support themselves. They have their own pursuits, dreams and lives. "

I really don't want to live a life of "living for others all my life", and I will never walk into marriage meekly, so I won't get married for a long time or not at all.

You can watch this video.

Remember the anecdote at the beginning?

Yes!

If you observe carefully, you will find that this old couple who have tortured each other all their lives is not a case, but a common phenomenon in real life.

There are many old couples who have been living together for so many years, maintaining a so-called home. Years of marriage are like two enemies, but they can never establish a long-term intimate relationship.

Why is this happening?

From a structural point of view.

In the traditional family structure of thousands of years, people are not important, but the attributes and functions of roles are the most important.

What do you mean?

In other words, no matter who it is, as long as it can meet the functional needs of the role, the whole family can operate smoothly and undertake the mission of social division of labor and cooperation and life extension.

However, with the development of productivity, the stability of this structure is becoming more and more fragmented.

The reason for the breakdown is that in this marriage and family structure, every member began to enlarge a kind of marriage called:

self-consciousness

This kind of self-awareness is to pay attention to one's feelings and emphasize the satisfaction of one's internal needs.

More importantly, this self-awareness has changed his role in the family from a supporting role to a leading role.

You must have experienced it, right?

When the protagonist's mentality is enlarged, it becomes natural to let everything revolve around himself.

The two parties who form a family have changed from the cooperative relationship between the roles to the competitive relationship between the two protagonists. Thereby accelerating the collapse of the original marriage and family structure.

This deep-seated structural problem is the root of these superficial conflicts.

From the whole society, the traditional China family is the smallest unit of social division and cooperation.

The roles of men and women are based on the needs of division of labor and cooperation, more like a job.

No matter who occupies the post, as long as they are competent, the family, as the smallest social division of labor and cooperation system, can operate in an orderly manner.

Still have feelings?

The feelings between men and women are generated within the boundaries set by this structure, mostly with the passage of time or time!

Like these two divorced old people, they were forced to live together for a lifetime, but failed to establish a long-term intimate relationship.

But they are all wrapped in a stable family structure, torturing each other but still maintaining the stability of the family structure.

Even after 57 years of suffering, the family-based social order is still complete.

Yes, that's an order!

This was nothing in the eyes of the previous generation. This kind of "bitterness" is too common!

And in the eyes of this generation, it is extremely cruel!

Why?

Because this generation lives in a social environment that is not too scarce, they are born with the ability to maintain self-awareness.

For example, you will understand:

If a girl can find a job casually in a first-tier city and earn money to support herself.

Then she never wants to be bound by her parents in her hometown, let alone follow the taboos and customs in her hometown that make her feel uncomfortable.

So do boys.

People will think that as long as they have the ability to earn money, they can always live the way they want.

Because the existence of marriage is not simply for reproduction, its bottom is an economic structure.

This kind of structure was never born because of beautiful love. It can last for thousands of years because it can provide the last guarantee for ordinary people like you and me in difficult times.

The cruel thing is:

In marriage, no matter how good a man is to a woman, as long as he can't earn money to support his family, the whole family will complain and dislike him.

Because those urgent practical problems need him to solve.

If he can't solve it, he is worthless in this family structure, because he is not qualified for the role he should be qualified for.

It's like a person is always not competent for his job in the company. Even if his colleagues have a good personal relationship for many years and have a certain emotional foundation, they will despise and dislike this person and even ask him to leave.

This is not rude, but this is how structures work.

Facing the naked pressure of survival,

All the gentle veils become unimportant.

25-year-old girls don't want to get married, but some do, and they really do!

What are the reasons behind the hot debate about "it is difficult for older young men in rural areas to choose a spouse"? How to crack it? -Zhihu

I don't know if everyone feels the same way.

Many people try to restrain each other through marriage.

The essence of his behavior is that he can't live alone, nor can he fight against the deteriorating living environment on his own!

And a paper engagement is a strong inner demand for security.

So I lied to myself and passed on this defect to others.

In the consulting cases I took over, most of the reasons for unhappy marriages originated from this!

From the beginning, I dug a ditch for an unfortunate marriage, and it was only a matter of time to fill it with bitter water.

What's the point of getting married?

There is a saying: the observer is what is observed.

If you regard marriage as a business, you will make strategies and implement them according to business rules.

In the end, what you gain is the peace of mind of value exchange.

If you regard marriage as something else, including but not limited to love, fate, redemption, etc.

The final harvest is spiritual self-satisfaction.

There is also a sentence called:

Life is always chasing magic light, but whoever regards magic light as magic light will sink into the boundless sea of suffering.

Be careful not to get lost, I will help you on the emotional road.

Live broadcast every day, welcome to my studio.

I'm Huang Xiaoxian, a national second-level psychological counselor.

Help you solve your emotional problems.