From women's straight man M to gender transformation

Text | Mars _ English

Figure | Aref stills

Thirty-year-old Ming occasionally wears delicate makeup and goes out in women's clothes.

TA first shave off the slightly grown beard, and then apply various powders. Ming Can can't tell the order of applying those powders, so he needs to spend more time debugging to see which color his skin is more in line with. Sometimes I feel inappropriate after I finish, so I take off my makeup and start over. This process usually takes an hour, but Ming enjoys it.

After putting on makeup, Ming should also consider the wig and clothes to take when going out. In order to erase all the masculine features of the body, TA first stuffed a thick fake chest in her coat, and then put on thick stockings and long skirts to cover her leg hair. Finally, TA put on a star necklace and two big round earrings and told me, "This will distract others from their face with ornaments".

"I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, so I will be slower." TA turned her head and smiled at me. Her lipstick was bright.

one

At the age of eighteen, Ming went all the way from the north to the south and came to Hong Kong to study at a university. This city is very hot, wearing cool clothes all year round, surrounded by Cantonese and English that TA doesn't understand. Especially when these two languages are mixed together, TA's attention is focused on others' constant mouth opening.

Coming to a strange city, although facing a lot of discomfort, is a free search for Ming. Coming out of a conservative hometown and keeping in touch with controlling parents, TA doesn't have to worry about being judged or criticized.

"The situation in Hong Kong is completely different from that in the Mainland. The campus atmosphere is very open, and you can talk about many minority topics. At that time, the teacher would recommend some books related to sex and gender for us to read and share. At first, I was very uncomfortable. When it comes to sex, I feel very embarrassed and I feel a strong sense of shame. " Speaking of which, Ming paused, her voice trembled. "And for a while, I always wanted to wear women's clothes."

The idea of women's clothing may be simply because it looks beautiful, or because of the temperament of Hong Kong women, but I can't remember it clearly. In Ming's impression, Hong Kong girls are always in a state of vigorous and resolute, which is quite different from the conservative, obedient and even awkward character of mainland girls. TA was hit by this independent and confident temperament, and even hoped that she could "be like them".

In her sophomore year, Ming joined the rainbow group in her school. However, among a bunch of comrades-in-arms, TA's position seems a bit awkward-"Because my Cantonese was not very fluent at that time, and my classmates' Mandarin was not good, it was still a bit difficult for us to communicate. So in most cases, I am relatively silent and just listen to them. "

In addition to the language barrier, Ming's identity also makes TA feel at a loss in the group. Most of the students in the group are gay, and the discussion often revolves around emotional topics such as coming out and making friends. However, as a different man, every time I hear the stories shared by my classmates, TA is shocked on the one hand, and sad for not knowing how to respond to them on the other, and even feels "out of place".

Until the third month of joining the league, the relationship between Ming and his classmates finally got better, and TA was ready to come out to his classmates. "I didn't dare to speak until the discussion was over that day. I'm afraid to talk about it as soon as we meet. In case people don't accept me, I'll leave. Finally, the discussion can't go on, which is not good. It was the first time in my life that I came out, and I was really nervous. Suddenly I understood their concern about coming out. " Recalling the past, Ming is still very excited, and his voice can't help getting louder and louder.

After telling the secret that she always wanted to wear women's clothes, Ming was silent for a while and added, "I hope you don't think I'm a pervert." When' tis once spoken, the students in the group laughed in unison. They comforted TA: "we are also regarded as perverts!"

Later, a girl who played in the group revealed some information about "boys like to wear women's clothes" to Ming. She told Ming that for a long time, men have been in a strong role in a patriarchal society, so sometimes they may want to "reverse their gender", such as wearing women's clothes or being close to people like girls, so as to show their "fragile side".

"Would you do that?"

two

Under the introduction of his classmates, Ming found a platform for communication on the Internet.

In addition to seeing the discussion of "gender reversal", Ming also learned in detail the answer of "boys should wear women's clothes" on the communication platform: some boys feel that wearing women's clothes is very exciting when they are training; Others admit that they always want to be a girl, but they can only be themselves in the secret training space.

"There are so many boys who love to wear women's clothes." Ming was shocked and began to reflect on his identity. Before coming out to her classmates, TA always felt that this idea was abnormal and was ashamed to tell others. But at this time, TA is eager to have some companions to accompany him.

So I asked the female classmate if she could help me dress up. TA once wanted to wear women's clothes. Female students happily invited Ming to their home, put on three completely different makeup for TA, and let TA try on three sets of clothes. Looking at myself in front of the mirror, I was in a trance and felt that my dream had suddenly come true.

That night, Ming was too excited to sleep. He tossed and turned in bed, thinking about the day. After that, TA often asked that classmate to go shopping and buy some beautiful clothes and accessories. But after buying things, Ming only dares to sneak them out to dress himself when all his roommates are out.

"That girl gave me a lot of support, and I really appreciate her. Because I was afraid to buy those things alone, she knew I was nervous, so she told her boss that she wanted them, and then asked me for advice. But I really dare not admit that I have this hobby, and I know that gay friends has experienced bullying on campus. I am very afraid that other unfamiliar people will know and be discriminated against. "

In order to help Ming find out his identity, do you want to try the setting of female classmate TA? Ming agreed. What happened that day, because it was too long, I can't remember clearly. I just thought it was a cool experience-"At that time, I knelt in front of my friends in women's clothes and forgot myself in an instant, so I naturally called my friends my masters."

The happiness brought by the first attempt made Ming date several times with her female classmates. But whether it is the pleasure of wearing women's clothes, the pleasure of being a woman, or the pleasure of training; I don't know myself, but I feel I have all three. TA has also discussed this topic with group partners, but there is no clear answer.

"At that time, I defined myself as M (masochist), a heterosexual man who likes to wear women's clothes. However, I also want to wear women's clothes, and then meet and fall in love with boys as a woman, but I can't accept the insertion of gay men 1 0. So my understanding of myself is still very vague, but I was not so anxious at first. "

As the courses get heavier and heavier, both of them are under great academic pressure. Female students are going to apply for postgraduate study abroad, and they have to choose between staying in Hong Kong and going back to the mainland to find a job. As we get busier and busier, communication can only change from offline meeting to online greeting. Ming's exploration of identity has also come to an end.

three

After graduation, Ming returned to the mainland and was arranged by his parents to work as a sales assistant in a company. In the second year of work, TA met a girl she liked very much; The other party is beautiful, gentle and comfortable with each other. Ming is always happy with girls around.

After being in love for half a year, my girlfriend asked me that her house lease was still two months away, and she would return it and move in with TA. Ming hesitated and didn't respond quickly. After all, there are all kinds of women's clothes in TA's wardrobe, and TA hasn't figured out how to explain it to his girlfriend.

"She's all right. But she is really a very traditional girl and hopes to get married and have children as soon as possible. I don't think it's wrong, but I'm afraid she knows my hobby. In case she can't accept it, she may break up with me. I'm not ready to come out for the second time. " Since then, Ming's heart has been struggling between repentance and escape.

However, the plan cannot keep up with the changes. One night, my girlfriend was talking business with a client. She drank too much and was not sober, so her colleague called Ming to pick her up. It was very late at that time, and Ming was going to turn off the lights and go to bed, so he had to get up again and change clothes. Before going out, TA put some cosmetics and women's clothes at the bottom of the wardrobe and hurried out.

However, when people are in a hurry, they always miss something unconsciously. My girlfriend woke up drunk and found a bottle of nail polish on the table and a skirt under the sofa. She woke Ming up and asked angrily if TA had cheated on her and didn't want to live together. Looking at his girlfriend's expression of "about to eat herself", she suddenly woke up and explained that it was a gift for her, but it was not packaged yet.

Fortunately, nail polish and skirt are new, but they have been useless. My girlfriend finally believed this truth and smiled instead. Finally, Ming discussed with his girlfriend that she is always welcome at home, but cohabitation is still a bit too fast, and TA needs some private space.

"I'm actually very contradictory. I don't want to give up her, and I don't want to give up what I like. But sometimes there is only one choice in life, of course I choose her. Later, I lost some of those cosmetics and women's clothes, and then gave her the rest. However, sometimes I am a little unhappy when I see her using my things. " In order to convince his girlfriend, Ming began to learn to be a good boyfriend who meets social expectations and work hard to buy a car and a house.

After that, Ming chose to hide all negative emotions. Until one day, I received a notice from the company that TA was promoted, but she was going to work in other places. Ming is a little tangled. After all, this trip has been uncertain for several years, and I have been separated from my girlfriend for a long time. So is it possible to continue this relationship?

That night, Ming got up the courage to tell his girlfriend that what he found last time was actually used by TA. The girlfriend looked dumbfounded first, and then smiled and responded: "Today is not April Fool's Day, you can't fool me." But looking at Ming's serious expression, she quickly shook off her hand and stood up and asked, "This is disgusting. It's good to be a boy. Why can't you forget that you are a shemale? "

For an instant, Ming didn't speak again. He already knew. The sweet two-year life is over.

four

Dragging luggage, Ming came to Chengdu and started his own life. TA put all her energy into her work, working overtime in the company every night, and her performance became higher and higher until she was promoted to the position of marketing director. After two years of such a busy life, Ming finally felt that he could let go of his first love and no longer needed to use his work to escape the sense of loss brought by his last intimate relationship.

TA found local friends playing BDSM on social platforms again, and bought a lot of accessories and clothes, ready to release herself who had been suppressed for a long time. After Ming's self-introduction was sent out, many people replied, and one summer caught Ming's attention.

Like Ming, Xia is also M, but when Ming asked about Xia's gender, Xia said she was queer, and told Ming that "I don't like being divided into men and women, but a person who is not defined by any gender". Xia's answer reminds Ming that when he was studying in Hong Kong, the teacher once said something similar in class. At that time, TA didn't understand what it meant.

After chatting for a while, Ming decided to meet Xia, and TA wanted to be friends with Xia. But when we met for the first time, Ming was shocked by Xia and couldn't speak at once. TA looked at Xia Jiaorou's appearance, but her ears listened to the obvious boy voice of the other party.

Xia introduced himself generously: "I am a boy, but I feel that I am a homosexual without gender restrictions." Usually, some people call me sir, others call me miss, and I don't care much. After all, TAs don't know the real me, and I'm too lazy to explain. "

Summer's free and easy, let Ming relax a little. Later, Ming also told Xia that he always had a tendency to wear women's clothes; Especially after the love that can't be ended, TA feels that she can't "be a man", but she doesn't know what she really is.

After that day, Xia often sent some articles about gender to Ming, and also took Ming to meet some friends of sexual minorities. "I used to be in Hongkong, mostly in gay friends, and there was no floating population of gender. But Xia took me to a cross-dressing performance and introduced me to several transgender partners. I gradually gained a sense of security and didn't feel different. " At the same time, Ming also doubts whether he is a "homosexual" like Xia.

With more and more sexual minority friends, Ming also met a bisexual girl who fell in love with t a at first sight. Fortunately, the girl also has a good impression on Ming. Knowing that Ming has a tendency to dress in women's clothes, she is still in the groping stage. She encourages Ming to completely release her femininity and try a teenage lifestyle.

Hearing his girlfriend's proposal, Ming was pleasantly surprised. When she doesn't go to work on weekends, she dresses Ming, helps TA get dressed, and then goes out on a date. But after all, this is the first time to wear women's clothes in public. Ming is so nervous that his body can't help shaking. The girlfriend who walked beside her also felt TA's concern, so she reached out and grabbed Ming.

With the first time, the two also began to exchange clothes often and go out. His girlfriend wears a bright shirt while Ming wears his girlfriend's long skirt. Sometimes ta will be watched by strangers for a long time, or you will hear some whispers. But his girlfriend gracefully walked over and told Ming, "We are just living the life we like, don't be afraid".

The support of his girlfriend makes Ming more cheerful and excellent. For the identity that has always been vague, TA also came up with the answer with the increase of experience-

"In retrospect, women's clothing is my gender enlightenment. Then being with my first love was a turning point, and I realized that I couldn't just be a boy. After I arrived in Chengdu, I made many sexual minority friends, especially this girlfriend who gave me a lot of strength, so that I could really be myself.

My body and consciousness are both masculine and feminine, so I can't choose between them. In the past many years, I have been worried that I am a pervert who likes women's clothes; But now I know very well that I am a queer and should not be bound by any "gender definition".

Because my girlfriend and I are busy at work now and have no time to dress up, mainly because I am clumsy, so I may wear men's clothes most of the time. But I will deliberately wear a pink shirt, or wear a long skirt to work in summer, and occasionally break the gender stereotype of my office colleagues.

Frankly speaking, I don't care what others think when people reach middle age, whether they wear men's clothes or women's clothes, or even in what posture they go out, but I have a fearless attitude. When people call me Mr. or Ms., I will promise, and I will begin to enjoy the pleasure of transsexuality.

Because what you see is just me today, but it doesn't mean that I will be like this tomorrow. "

Mars | Author

Bisexual feminist journalist

Most people can't see the existence of sex/gender problems because their eyes are covered with layers of skin, so they are full of prejudice and suspicion. The process of history is to peel off these skins layer by layer and present us with real vitality.