The child said, mom, when I am afraid, don't give them courage blindly.

"My five-year-old daughter is afraid of everything. She is afraid to go to school. When she gets up in the morning, she can't see the person who is sleeping with her. I can't tell what she is afraid of. Anyway, she is afraid. How to mediate her psychology, how to ask her to tell you what she is afraid of, and how to deal with it to dispel her fear? Is there an analytical article on building self-confidence and improving courage, because I don't know what she is afraid of?"

I believe all parents have experienced something like this. Children always say, "Mom, I'm afraid, I'm afraid ~"

One night, my best friend talked about it, and she stayed up late with her baby because of the curtains.

Turning off the lights was already on to enter the final stage of the sleep program. After getting into bed, the child stared at the curtains for a long time, then got into her arms and said, "I'm afraid."

She looked at the curtains. Because she lived on the first floor, the branches were blown by the wind and reflected on the curtains. She quickly comforted, "Baby, I'm not afraid."

Seeing that the baby was still afraid, she opened the curtain again and said, "There will be no shadow."

Unexpectedly, after the curtain was opened, the baby burst into tears: "Mom, the monster will come in."

Then, she pulled it up again and said, "Then pull it up, you have to be brave, baby ~"

It's a good thing that this baby won't turn off the lights or sleep.

As a result, at last, my best friend shouted angrily, "Be brave, a shadow is nothing to be afraid of!" And fell asleep crying.

I spit myself out, and as a result, my best friend was "ruthlessly hit": "You have to keep responding like this, and tonight is another night of tangled curtains."

Because, from the beginning, it was wrong. When a child is afraid, don't just give him courage!

Today, let's talk about the fact that children are always "afraid".

fear is a normal emotion for children.

Previous studies have found that:

Among normal children, more than 9% of children will have different degrees of fear; 4% children aged 2-4 < P > have at least one fear; 43% children aged 6-12 have more than seven kinds of fears. "

Then what are they afraid of?

1

Afraid of things that have never been seen

When children are -3 years old, they will be afraid of unfamiliar things.

For example, the rattling sound of the washing machine, the alarm clock to wake people up, and the whistling sound of the hair dryer;

I am afraid of the shadow behind me, the wriggling caterpillar, and Okumo falling from the sky;

Wait ...

Now the second child is often scared to run away by the noise of flushing the toilet.

Because Eva's life experience is very limited, it is difficult to judge whether things are dangerous.

The appearance of things he has never seen before is beyond his previous experience, and it happens that these things stimulate his senses greatly, so he will feel afraid and can't control the whole scene by himself. (Actually, it's self-awareness.)

2

I'm afraid that the imaginary monster

When the child is older, the imagination will suddenly erupt, and reality and imagination will gradually appear.

at this time, what the baby saw with his own eyes will be processed by their imagination and become something they are afraid of.

The curtain monster, wardrobe monster, toilet monster, bed monster, old witch ... are all imagined by children with their brains wide open.

Although it is imaginary, for children, those pictures are the same as the real world. We can't only be proud of the child's "good" imagination, but not accept her "bad" imagination.

3

Afraid of experiencing bad experiences again

This comes from bad experiences in previous life experiences.

It's like firecrackers sounded suddenly on holidays, insects that suddenly appear when helping to pick vegetables and wash fruits, and hairdressers who get hair residue into their eyes when cutting their hair.

children are afraid to experience the same negative feeling repeatedly because they have experienced a little "bump".

4

What parents are afraid of

Psychologist Li Xue said that to every degree, parents' negative projection creates children's negative reality.

in fact, that is to say, some children's fear is a psychological projection from their parents, and it is a fear experience that parents receive when they are together.

For example, parents who have been afraid of dogs since childhood will instinctively stay away when they see dogs with their children in their arms.

When children go to play with dogs, they may tell their children, "Stay away from dogs, or they will bite you!"

Such a psychological hint of fear makes the baby who may not be afraid of dogs hang over the dog's terrible and biting psychology, and naturally he will be afraid.

So when children grow up, fear is inevitable, and our response is also very important.

When some parents see their children are afraid, their first reaction is "This is nothing to be afraid of", trying to convince them that this is not terrible. When it doesn't work, they should start to label them timid.

There is also over-protection of children. As long as children are afraid of things, they will never touch them again. Taking this fear as a habit is easy to develop the character of avoiding things.

But these two kinds of responses are useless, because the former denies the child's emotions, while the latter continues the fear.

So, what should children do when they are afraid?

1

Please see the scared child and admit the fear

When a child is scared, don't rush to judge according to his own cognition and way of thinking, thinking that these things are not worth mentioning.

If you know what children are afraid of, you can understand that these fears are real.

Don't rush to give courage to your child (don't be afraid, be brave) or help your child solve the problem immediately (pull the curtain and turn on the light).

these will only make children feel rejected.

When the child is scared, give the child a hug and tell her, "Mom knows you are scared and she is here to protect you".

Only when children feel that they are safe and not threatened will they have the mind to overcome their fears.

2

Try to make children know and understand the things they are afraid of

Use clever methods to dilute their fears

The best way to overcome their fears is to give them a new explanation or explore the true appearance of things.

-Give him a new explanation

When the baby was over 4 years old, he said he was afraid and had a monster as soon as he turned off the lights at night.

Then I held her in my arms and said, "Do you think there is a monster because you can't see anything in the dark room? "

nodding wildly in my arms.

Then I went on to say, "It's so dark that the monster can't see us, so let's close our eyes and mouths and hide the cat with the little monster. If it can't find us, we will go to other children. "

As soon as I heard this, I was told not to make any noise, and soon fell asleep. Later, she played this game every time she was afraid of the dark, and found that there was no monster" seeking the door ",so she gradually stopped being afraid.

-explore the real appearance of things

For example, the second child is afraid of flushing the toilet, because in his limited cognition, he thinks that this guy will suddenly make terrible noises.

I carried him to the toilet, opened the water storage cover of the toilet and told him, "Now the water in the water tank is full. After you have pooped, you need to use the water in this water tank to wash it away."

Only in this way can our toilet be clean. The noise of flushing the toilet is discharging water, just like washing our hands. Try it.

After pressing the flush button, I watched the water in the water tank gradually decrease, and I understood that this was the sound of water washing away the poo. I held his little hand and tried again and again. Every time I pressed it, the water clattered once.

The first few small hands refused, but later they became bolder and bolder. Can I tell you that you can't stop pressing them at last?

Use picture books

You can also use some picture books.

There are many books about monsters and ghosts, and the psychological feelings of the characters in these books are more similar to those of children than that of us and children.

So when children see these stories, they will have a feeling of being recognized.

let him know that I'm not the only one who is afraid of monsters, and monsters don't seem to be what I thought.

Recommendations: Go away, Monster; Eat the Dark Monster; Is there a ghost under my bed? "Go away, Green Monster"

3

Practice facing fear-expanding comfort zone

Only by experiencing more and personally can children be familiar with things, which is also the best way to help children overcome fear.

Selma Freburg, a child psychologist, once pointed out that proper fear can help children acquire cognition and adapt to the environment.

But the premise is to judge whether the child's fear has exceeded the psychological critical point.

what is the psychological critical point?

As Lawrence Cohen said, it is an important psychological place. Although we are afraid when facing fear here, we can still take action, at least we can take a small step forward.

have you ever noticed that your baby has been in such a state?

This is the psychological tipping point for children.

first of all, we should judge whether the child has exceeded the critical point.

—— If it exceeds one step back, find the critical point of comfort.

If the child is emotionally broken or trying to escape, it means that this moment has exceeded the critical point, so don't "push" forward.

Instead, children should be pulled back to the "safety zone" to find a comfortable critical point.

Baby went to the playground for the first time when he was young. Seeing other children jumping on the trampoline was very happy and he wanted to play.

Grandma encouraged: "Go in, it's all right. But when she reached the door, she hesitated. "

Grandma still wants to lead her in, but she refuses to keep going back.

then, don't keep pushing at this time: what's there to be afraid of? How can you know unless you try? It's fun. Don't be so timid.

I might as well take a step back. I just watched CC for a long time and saw that there was no one on the trampoline. I said to her, "Let's go in, you lie there, and mom will bump you with her feet."

I was giggling when I was lying on the trampoline ~ I dared to stand up by myself later, and the children were not afraid to come in later.

When a child is afraid, we don't have to force her to overcome it and give her enough application time.

the next step may be done soon, and it may take some time. If you can't, take your time. It's such a long way to raise a child. What's the hurry?

-if it is not exceeded, you can try to move forward in small steps, then move forward and go to the next critical point.

besides time, children sometimes need a push from us.

If children are not very resistant, we can take small steps to adapt to this critical point;

then take a step at the right time and enter the next critical point.

I agree that it is necessary to raise an educated child, and we should not indulge in the name of respect.

But it can be adjusted a little according to the critical point of the child:

Respond for the baby first (grandma is fine! )-then take the baby to respond (grandma, the baby is 3 years old this year, right? )-encourage the baby to respond by herself (tell grandma how old you are? )-encourage the initiative to say hello again.

-of course, don't forget the positive and immediate feedback. Everyone knows the benefits of this, so let's not say more.

seize the opportunity for children to taste a little bit of my great taste and push forward step by step.

At the critical point, children can feel success and confidence, and their fears will disappear.

Please be sure to accept your child's psychological threshold, regardless of other children!

every child is different! Don't be prepared to encourage others just because he didn't act as brave as other children.

Children's timidity and boldness are related to their personality. My two children are totally different.

Baby is timid. Even if he is afraid, he will try soon after being encouraged. The second child is cautious and needs to be guided for a long time and many times before he can overcome it.

But every character is a double-edged sword. The boss accepts it quickly and forgets it quickly. The second child needs more time to accept it, but he is also willing to study it.

Just like the same fear of the toilet, I told the boss once or twice that it was just the sound of flushing, and she understood it, accepted it, and never cared about it again;

The second child has to study upside down, where the water comes out, how it comes out (only by pressing it) and how it is washed away (he will observe how the water spins and jumps in the toilet for countless times until it is calm).

I have studied a toilet countless times, and it is impossible to be the boss; Similarly, simple encouragement is no longer afraid to dare to face difficulties, and it is impossible for the second child.

There is no good or bad personality, and the responsibility of parents is not to correct it, but to match it and give children with different personalities different ways of raising them.

Wen |CC parents (WeChat official account ID: CC-Bama);