Du Feng stands at thirty

1

Wang Er was born in Beijing, and I am Wang Er. On a summer morning, I rode my bicycle to work. When I passed the school gate, looking at the school's solemn gate, the wide playground and the towering chimney behind the playground, I suddenly felt: No matter what, I can't believe it.

It seems that not long ago, I was a first-year student in junior high school. I have a bag fight with my classmates at the school gate after school. My schoolbag hit someone with a muffled sound and threw them more than a meter away. It turns out that there are not only books in my schoolbag, but also a whole brick. At that time, the whole class became angry and chased me behind me with a shout. I ran across the playground toward the gray chimney. Later, when the principal came out for a walk, he saw me climbing high on the scaffolding ladder, facing the east wind thousands of miles away, opening my young mind and shouting: ×Your mother! Whoever dares to come up will be kicked down by me! It seemed like it had just happened.

I grew up a lot in the blink of an eye. I am 1.90 meters tall and weigh more than 80 kilograms. In any case, a bunch of boys in the first grade of junior high school can't push such a big man up the chimney, so I don't believe it.

Before I knew it, I got off the bicycle and found the cart standing by the roadside. The school was so quiet that there seemed to be no one around, which made me feel nervous. How many times have I arrived at school when it was quiet, walked through the quiet corridors, and arrived at the hot classrooms. When I opened the door, dozens of faces turned to me - I was always late. If there is a blackboard newspaper for praise and criticism in the classroom, I will always be famous in the criticism column. After class, the squad leader, class cadres, squadron leader, and squad leader rushed to talk to me, and then went to the class teacher and counselor to express their merits. Good things like finding money and helping a blind old man return home are not something you come across every day, but I am a stable source of good things. As long as you talk to me, a good thing will be born: "He helped the underachiever Wang Er!" I was able to grow up healthily and did not kill the principal or teacher, set fire or pee in the classroom, all because of these help.

Twenty years ago, no one would believe it—the principal didn’t believe it, the teachers didn’t believe it, the students didn’t believe it, and I didn’t believe it myself. Wang Er could arrive at school forty minutes early, but this time Something has happened. Now Wang Er is a university teacher, and he goes to the laboratory before taking experimental classes. Ordinarily there is an experimenter Xu You in charge of the experimental class, but I don't trust him.

It’s unbelievable that now it’s my turn to worry about someone else. Xu You and I have been friends for thirty years. We conspired to poison my aunt in the kindergarten. It seems like it happened yesterday. I clearly remember that I was very fierce in the big class and got through all the children. I still remember my aunt grabbing my ears and changing them in the direction of Liu Bei. I will never forget that day after our nap, my aunt took us to poop. All the children lined up in a long queue, squatting on the long ditch with eighteen twists and turns to defecate, while the aunt hid outside the glass door and watched. She was supposed to come back and wipe everyone's butts after everyone finished ejaculating, but that day she was distracted by sweating. We squatted so hard that we almost ejaculated our intestines, but she didn't care. The smell is really bad too. I stood up, wiped my own butt with toilet paper, put on my pants, and then picked up someone else's butt. The whole class of children stood in a row and I wiped them off at the head of the row. I was really proud of myself. How many of today's fair ladies have been taken advantage of by me, what a sin! Suddenly my aunt grabbed my ears and humiliated me to her heart's content.

I was so angry. After I got home on Sunday, I brought a bottle of potassium permanganate water for washing peaches at home. My mother said this potion was poisonous and I wanted to poison my aunt with it. My friend Xu You saw my red potion, asked about its use, and expressed his deep approval. He also had a secret recipe that could enhance the potency of the medicine, which was lime. Xu You swallowed everything he grabbed. Once he swallowed lime, his uncle grabbed him by the neck and said that lime could burn through the intestines. Later, we added foot mud, urine, juice from the back of a toad, etc. to the potion, so that the potion became colorful. Later, before the bottle of potion had time to be sprinkled into the aunt's lunch box, it was revealed. This was the murder case of Wang Er that caused a sensation in the kindergarten. Based on the above facts, I cannot believe that I would worry so much about an experiment if it were not to poison the principal.

This is true, whether I believe it or not. One morning in early July 1983, I was essentially a good person, a good teacher, a good citizen, and a good husband. Facts have proved that society is a melting pot and can transform all kinds of people, even idiots. Now I am not only a microbiology lecturer in the Department of Agriculture of a university, but also the director of the Biology Laboratory of the Basic Department. I not only have to take good care of myself, but also take good care of others (such as "underachiever Xu You" and others, because this guy was transferred in after I patted my chest from the principal). So I dropped the car in the carport and bolted to the lab. When I opened the door and took a look, it was exactly what I expected. There was a pot of leftover noodles on the experimental table, and several beer bottles scattered on the floor. Last time the principal inspected the (laboratory) room and saw leftover sausages on the experimental table. He asked me, "What is this?" I said it was an experimental sample. He roared: "What experiment? An experiment of making shit!" It made me feel numb in my heart. I put these things away and smelled a very strange smell again: it sounded like a dead cat or dog, or something was fermented. After searching for a long time, I couldn't find the source of the smell. He quickly went to the back room and grabbed Xu You. He said sleepily, "Wang Er, what are you doing? I'm dreaming about finding a wife..." "Bah! It's seven forty. Get up! Let me ask you, what does the room smell like?"

"Don't interrupt. This dream of mine is extraordinary. It's more beautiful than any other dream I've ever had. I was about to..."

I grabbed his ear: "Let me ask you, what is in the room?" "It smells so bad?"

"I didn't know." He sat up. This thing is so shameless, sleeping with its butt naked. "Hey, where are my shoes? Wang Er, don't make such a joke!"

"You should be dead! Who will look at your shoes!"

"Ah! Wang Er , I remembered. I put the sneakers in the oven and forgot to take them out!" I rushed to the oven and opened the door - my lord! Almost smoked to death. He hurriedly turned on the ventilator, put on a gas mask and rubber gloves, wrapped his smelly sneakers in newspapers and threw them into the toilet. When I came back, I saw that Xu You was not prepared for the morning experiment at all. The students would be here in fifteen minutes, and the table was bare. I rummaged through the boxes and took out various utensils, and I was sweating from the tossing. Looking back at Xu You, this guy was wearing work clothes, sitting quietly in front of the microscope, looking inside with all his concentration. Seeing this scene, I couldn't help but feel angry and yelled:

"Xu You! I want to use tape. Go to the infirmary and get some."

" Don’t panic. Wait a moment.”

“What time is it? Come on!”

“Don’t worry.”

"You are dressed neatly enough."

He lifted the hem of his clothes gracefully. God, why didn't lightning strike him! This guy is still naked. He performed several ballet movements, dancing the three pieces of clothing like pendulums, and went into the house to get dressed. After a while, he danced out again and went to the infirmary. I prepared the experiment and he hasn't come back yet. It doesn't matter, he can't die there. Wiping the sweat and dusting off the dirt, I returned to normal. The students will come in a while, so I'll take a look at what Xu You was looking at first.

The microscope is full of white flowers, and the field of view is full of living microorganisms, long and thin, like a box of live pins. What's this? What rare things can Xu You get? If I try to make it difficult to live, I will teach myself about microorganisms in vain. This thing looks familiar, but I just can't remember it.

Suddenly Xu You grabbed my collar, "Wang Er, you are from a major, tell me what is this?"

"Did you bring the tape? Every experiment Let’s share the table.”

“Don’t try to get away with it. Just say it!”

I straightened up and put aside my face as the director of the department. His face smiled evilly at him.

"You think you can trouble me? I'll look it up in the book and I'll tell you right away. But you, you can't even do Gram stain.

”

“Yes yes yes. I admit that you are knowledgeable. You also published two papers this year, right? Let’s not mention these for now. Just tell me what's under the mirror? "

"I'll be honest with you, I don't know. Forgetting for a moment, forgetting to write when picking up a pen, are common things. "

"This attitude is good. Let me tell you, this is mine..."

I said "Gedden" in my heart, and looked into the microscope - isn't it? His sperm crawled like maggots with big tails. "You put it Cleaned up! quick! ”

“Don’t be so prude! Don't I know who you are? "

"Keep your voice down, if the students come and see this thing, we are doomed! "

"What's the end? It can't be finished. Let them see human semen and learn a lot. "

"They want to ask, where did this thing come from? It's light (opig note: the original text is "big".) It's daytime, and this is not a hospital outpatient department! How to answer? "

"Of course it's yours. You have made a contribution to science, and this spirit is as noble as voluntary blood donation. The school should provide you with nutrition subsidies. It's especially commendable that a gay like you who is married and unable to make ends meet can do this. "

I was about to scold you when the students came. Several girls came over and said, "Good morning, Teacher Wang." What are you doing? "

"Morning. Everyone went to their experimental benches to see if they were short of something. If you need something, ask Teacher Xu for it. "

"Teacher, what movie are you watching? Let’s take a look too! ”

I quickly leaned over to occupy the lens tube, but these students were very naughty. Some people pushed my face hard and pushed their long hair down my neck. It was very offensive!

I had no choice but to get out of the way. The girls gathered around, watching and chirping: "It's alive!" "It's still crawling!" "Teacher, what is this?" "

"Oh, this is my job, not your business. Go back to your seat. "

"We want to know! We must know! "

I shouted: "Squad leader! Branch representative! Where have you gone? If you don't return to your seat, I will give you zero points for this class! "

"Teacher, what's wrong with you? "Hey!" Act like an old man. "Why don't you tell me?" "

"It's not appropriate to tell you girls this. Still want to listen? OK, let me tell you. This is pig semen imported from the Netherlands. I want to see how the sperm motility is. ”

This class made my head spin. Seventy percent of the time was spent answering questions about breeding, and girls were particularly interested. They asked about everything from artificial insemination to the structure of artificial sows. It was just a question that I didn't understand, which made me more and more angry. When class was about to end, the principal came in, gave me a hard look, and asked me to go see the principal after class. I walked around the door of the principal's office a few times before I entered. To be honest, seeing someone like a teacher would stir up the evil in my soul and make me not like a good person. When I entered, the principal was watering the flowers. , he turned around and put on a smile: "Xiao Wang, what do you think of my flowers? "

"Report to the principal, this is the genus Rosa of the Rosaceae family, and the scientific name is unknown. Because it doesn't grow anywhere else but in donkey sheds, people call it donkey flower. "

"Then I am a donkey? Your mouth is hopeless. Sit, how are you doing at work lately? "

"Report, progress is going well. If the students caused trouble in the experimental class, I have already talked to their class teacher and asked him to do his work. If this fails, call the criminal police. Xu You is cooking in the laboratory. I have given him the most serious warning. If he doesn't listen, I will put laxatives in his pot. The lab is infested with rats, and I have a solution: buy some cats. ”

“It’s all nonsense. It’s not too far-fetched to raise cats to prevent rats.” But have you ever thought about it, I'm right next door to you. What should I do if your cat makes a fuss when I have a meeting here tonight? "

"I have measures. I castrated it and it stopped fussing. I can castrate all kinds of animals, from elephants to croakers, I'm sure of them all. "

"Haha.

I asked you to come here not to talk about laboratory constraints. I'm going to move out anyway, let you have your way, I'm out of sight and out of mind. Talk about your business. How old are you! "

"Two out of thirty. ”

“I’ll stand up at thirty.” You are an adult, don't act like a child and bring your lover to my house to play on Sunday. What's your lover's name? "

"Zhang Xiaoxia, nicknamed Erniuzi. Report to the principal that this person is a shrew who often violates my civil rights. If you can educate and influence her, that will be a great merit. ”

“Okay, enough of the nonsense.” Let me tell you one thing, don't be emotional. You want to be seconded abroad. The party committee has discussed it and cannot agree to it. ”

“What’s their business?” Why don't you agree? Taking the wrong medicine? ”

“Don’t do this. It is a fact that our newly built schools are short of teachers. Besides, you are too immodest. Everyone said that letting people like you out would bring shame to the school. Comrades are prejudiced against you, but I tried my best to convince them. You still have to use this matter as motivation to change your mistakes..."

The principal scolded me, but I didn't listen at all. In the past two years, I have been talking to Professor Lu from the School of Mines When we worked together on the project, I honestly said that I did 90% of the work. I attended school during the day and went to his place to do experiments at night. It's dynamite. Why am I so desperate? Because Professor Lu has a quota for going abroad. As long as the project is completed, he will lend me to go abroad and see how beautiful the foreign girls are. . This was something that was agreed upon, but now this project has won the first prize of the National Science and Technology Award, and Professor Lu has gained both fame and fortune, but he has not been able to accomplish this small thing for me. Suddenly I heard the principal calling me: "Hey, I'm in a trance." La? "

"Report to the principal, I am listening carefully. What are you talking about? "

"I'm asking you, do you have any other opinions? "

Of course I have an opinion! But I can't talk to him. "No! I want to find Lao Lu and scold him. " '

"You don't have to go, Professor Lu has already left. He said it was a pity that the quota was abolished. Since you couldn't go, he would take your place. According to his conscience, he did his best. He called me seven times in one night and I couldn't sleep. I was transferred from the Mining Academy, and you are a student of the Mining Academy. We can't go too far. The most important question is: Have you reported this matter to the organization in advance? Next time something like this happens again, I hope you can let me stand up and speak for you. First of all, Xu You should be taken care of, and secondly, he should not be so crazy. People say that all the students in your class are crazy. "

"Report to the principal, it's not my fault. All the students in this grade were born in difficult times for three years. Everyone was hungry in those days, so it was inevitable to cut corners when making them. I have read a piece of information that Jewish children are particularly smart and well-behaved, all because Jews are meticulous in such matters. Facts have proved that any less touch will make a big mistake..."

"Shut up, you don't look like a university teacher? I blush for you. Go back and think about it carefully, let’s talk about it here. "

I came out of the principal's office, furious and wanted to take it out on Xu You. As soon as I entered the laboratory door and saw Xu You eating on the experimental table, I screamed at the top of my lungs: "Eating in the laboratory again. ! ! ! You pig..." He roared until he ran out of breath and stopped to pant. He was seen protecting his ears with his hands. At this time, he heard the principal knocking on the wall next door. When he walked to Xu You, he saw that he was eating Chinese tofu mixed with tofu, and he made such a big mess. Basin, I continued to lecture him:

"Aren't you trying to undermine me? Is it okay if this stuff produces gas and gets into your stomach? Every time I talk in front, you make strange noises from behind, like blowing a trumpet. Then the students exploded! "

"Come on, Wang Er, why are you so serious? You see, the tofu I mix is ??not worse than your wife’s. "

"Eat it inside. Xu You, you are just causing trouble for me! "

"Hey, don't treat me like this, I know why. You didn't succeed in going abroad. Wang Er, there are nine out of ten unsatisfactory things in life, so don’t take it to heart.

If people don’t go abroad, there are still opportunities. What opportunities do I have? My wife doesn’t know where to find it yet. "

When I talked about this matter, I felt cold. Maybe he didn't mean it this way, but I was overly concerned. In the thirty-year relationship between Xu You and I, I have always been the one to give him the advice. Ever since elementary school In middle school, we did all the fun and tricks, but we never made any big mistakes. During the "Cultural Revolution", I asked him to go to an unmanned laboratory to make explosives for fun. A big disaster happened. Now Xu You's face is number than when he had ten times of smallpox. It was all caused by me.

Several test tubes broke into his face, so he sometimes washes his face. He also cut his hand at times, all because I waved a detonator on the experimental bench. No one wanted to marry a hemp shell, so he couldn't find a wife, but I think we never talked about the cause of the accident. I knew it well. I said to him:

"You don't need to use words to hurt me! "

"Wang Er, why did I stab you? "

"I injured you! I remember it! ”

“Wang Er, you’re so fucked up. You’re a dog looking down on others.” Hey, you sucked shit from the principal and took it out on me. I ignore you, think about it yourself! ”

He walked away angrily.

After the quarrel with Xu You, I was confused. This was the first time I had quarreled with Xu You, which showed that I was very unhappy. It's normal. I heard that some people become obscene when they go abroad, or they are hysterical and make trouble by scolding their children and beating their wives. Is this news?

I'm experimenting. Walking around the room, I suddenly felt that life was very boring. It seemed like a kind of torture in Tibet: wrapping people in wet cowhide and exposing them to the sun. When the cowhide dries and shrinks, the people will be wrapped until black beads burst out. The same is true in life: as you get older, the cowhide becomes tighter day by day. This cowhide is the law of life: going to and from work, eating and defecating, and even having sex is part of it. I have a little extravagant hope: to go abroad and become an associate professor. Once the hope is shattered, I start to spread hysteria: it’s so damn nonsense!

I was in the laboratory before I knew it. I sat down on the high stool, propped my chin up with my hands, and looked at the blackboard. There were some briquettes drawn on the blackboard. It took me a long time to think that I was drawing yeast. The sneakiness comes from the bottom of my heart. For example, if I go abroad to get a place in the mining college, why is the school blocking me? And what kind of person am I to fuck you? I couldn't type it out. Then I thought: Why should I think about this nonsense?

I looked at the test tube rack and saw that it was standing straight. , causing me to ponder. The smell of the culture medium smells like the swamps of the south, and so does the smell of life. The smell of new life is mixed with the smell of decay, plus the smell of the southern sun is white and bright. Swelling in the sky, the plains are green with greenery, and patches of oil appear under the grass roots by the water. This is a dream, a story that needs to be understood slowly.

Once upon a time, there was a group of people who were exiled from the imperial capital. To the wild land of the south. One day, one of the Neo-Confucian masters was looking for a place to wash up, but he couldn't find a river and fell into a smelly pond. He hurriedly lifted up the hem of his black clothes. The mud was stained on his snow-white thighs, the sun was making him dizzy, and there was a pungent smell of vegetation. There was no one around, and suddenly his erection was so strong that it made him panic. When he opened his clothes, he saw that the guy was as red as a ripe prawn and felt hot to the touch. He couldn't explain why, and he didn't expect that the woman was steaming. There was a primitive desire here, which preceded the man and woman. Laughter broke the master's confusion - a native man and woman rode by on a strong buffalo, hugging each other and looking at the master's embarrassment.

Someone spoke to me. When I looked up, I saw a young boy wearing a red school badge. He must have just been detained in school. I didn't recognize him.

He seemed to be saying that the sewer on the first floor was clogged and asked me to take a look. This was strange. "Why are you looking for the general affairs director?"

"Master, the general affairs office is off duty. Please excuse me." Look, you are idle anyway."

"Really! I am idle, are you busy?"

"That's not the case, I am a teacher. It's from the boiler room."

"Who is from the boiler room? Hey, the sewer is blocked, what are you doing?"

"School hygiene is everyone's responsibility. You boiler room can't be irresponsible!"

"×Your mother: You are the boiler room! Get out of here!"

I just remembered why. People say I am from the boiler room. This is because I spend a lot of time in the boiler room. And I certainly don’t dress and behave like a teacher. Maybe it's because of this that I can't leave the country. It's nothing. I was originally a plumber, and I can never forget my roots. If he hadn't said that I was "idle", I might have gone to the sewer with him. How can you say to a worker, "You are idle anyway"?

The sun shines in through the west window. It’s time to get off work, but I don’t want to leave yet. Anger accumulated in my heart, and I wanted to find someone to talk to. Xu You came in and asked me if I was eating at school. Xu You is such a good friend. I want to talk to him about my frustrations. But he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t have the patience to listen.

I am reminded of a fable by La Fontaine: There are two friends living in a city, and one of them goes to find the other late at night. The man quickly got up, put on his armor, held a sword in his right hand and a money bag in his left hand, called his friend in and said, "Friend, there must be a serious reason for your visit late at night. If you are in debt, there is money here. If If you are insulted, I will avenge you immediately. If you are bored at night, there are beautiful female slaves here for you to take care of."

Xu You is such a friend, but he is of no use to me now. I felt so depressed in my heart that I could only express my feelings to one woman. I really couldn’t figure out who she was.

2

I got on my bike and left the school gate, but I didn’t want to go home and wander around in the street. When my wife sees that I am bored, she will just nag at me, making me more and more annoyed. I have a bitter taste in my heart, which is who I am.

Many years ago, when I was working in a queue in the suburbs of Beijing, I often walked home in the autumn, and the road was endless. My heart was tense, I didn’t know where I was going, and I didn’t know what I would do after I finished walking. The roadside is full of tall poplar trees, and wherever the wind passes, countless fallen leaves fall like a golden rain from the ceiling. The wind howls, sometimes tightening and sometimes loosening. The wind blew the fallen leaves out of the ditch, like golden tide rushing over the road. I walked alone and saw no one in front or behind me. Suddenly, my heart began to relax. As I walked, I felt like I was going to fall headfirst into the blue sky. The fallen leaves on both sides were like the golden gates of heaven. My heart swayed, and some poems came to my mind. At this moment, I was freed from all worries and returned to existence itself.