What do you think of parents or teachers saying to their children, "Why only bully you and not other children? 」?

How to treat the sentence "Why only bully you but not other children" can be analyzed from two aspects: one is the influence this sentence will have on children and their psychological activities, and the other is what parents and teachers should do. As for the conclusion, it can be put at the end.

The influence of this sentence on children

Students involved in school bullying are classified into roles. For example, D. Olwues, an expert on this issue and a Norwegian scholar, divides them into bullies, victims, bullies/victims, and unrelated students, all of whom have corresponding psychological dynamics. We can substitute this sentence into these four roles for analysis.

Victims:

"Why only bully you and not other children" implies a logic that being bullied is the victim's own fault. Many people mentioned that bullied people are usually introverted, shy, afraid to fight back and timid. But scientific research can't say whether children are bullied because they are introverted and shy, or whether they become more and more introverted and shy because they are bullied. It is true that according to the survey, the bullied person does have certain characteristics (such as obesity, disability, poverty, poor expression, etc. ), but no feature can completely summarize this group, and even people who are too smart or too perfect are bullied.

To say the least, even if the victims are shy and introverted people, this cannot be a reason for being bullied. In fact, children of any kind of personality should not be bullied. Therefore, whenever bullying occurs, the focus should not be on the characteristics of the bullied person. In the face of bullying, some children choose to fight back, while others choose not to fight back. It can't be said that fighting back is right, not fighting back is wrong, and only bullying is wrong.

When the victim has the courage to tell his parents or teachers about bullying, the answer is "Why only bully you and not other children", which will seriously damage his trust in parents and teachers. At the same time, this sentence may cause a serious psychological shadow to the victim and change his self-cognition. In the face of future bullying, these bullied people usually bear it silently, and even take it for granted that they are bullied.

Bully:

"Why only bully you and not other children" is undoubtedly the best confidence support for bullies to bully others. In fact, many bullies themselves are victims. According to statistics, bullies are not necessarily popular children at school. They are probably marginal figures in school, but their behavior is relatively external, and negative emotions are expressed through radical violence.

If you don't pay attention to the reason why bullies bully others, don't ask "why does this child bully others?" We can't understand their motives and psychology, let alone change their behavior. There are many cases of unknown sadness behind bullies. They may come from a domestic violence family and may have serious emotional problems. Bullying is wrong, but it doesn't mean that bullies don't need counseling and help.

And "why only bully you and not other children" is not to help counseling, but to excuse this group of bullies. When the bully told his parents and teachers about his behavior, he was not criticized, but also got this sentence, and he would think that his bullying behavior was not only correct, but also reasonable. Therefore, the bullying behavior in the future may be even more unscrupulous, causing greater harm to the bullied person and even endangering life.

Become a bully/victim:

Bullying and being bullied are not a single existence, but often exist in one person. "Why only bully you and not other children" can easily lead to this phenomenon. If the bullied person agrees with violence because of this statement and bullies people who are weaker than himself, he will become a bully/victim at the same time.

Does not involve:

Although this group is directly involved in bullying, this sentence has a great influence on it.

There are usually two kinds of people, one is afraid to stop bullying, and the other is like bullying but don't want to do it. In fact, silence is often a kind of support for bullying. People who dare not stop bullying because of fear will not stop bullying because of this sentence, and even become more timid and may become new victims. Those who are not bullies may join bullying and become new bullies because of this affirmation of violence.

What should teachers and parents do?

Teachers and parents:

There are generally three kinds of people who say "why only bully you and not other children": teachers, parents of bullied people and parents of bullied people, and the reasons for saying this are different.

Teacher:

Most bullying incidents are more or less the responsibility of teachers. Because the bullied people are usually inconspicuous in the class, teachers often ignore them. Sometimes teachers think that "fighting" between children is irrelevant, and a small number of teachers acquiesce or even support bullying.

Teachers who say such things are extremely irresponsible. Teachers in schools should know these situations best. When students tell their teachers that they are being bullied, teachers should stop this behavior in time and investigate the incident. Parents of both parties should be informed immediately when necessary, and necessary punishment should be given to bullying. In addition, teachers should be more careful to understand the inner activities of victims and bullies, rather than to save trouble, pass the buck and let the victims bear it.

Only by finding out the reasons, why bullies bully others, and what changes have taken place in the inner feelings and external manifestations of the bullied people can we solve the problem better.

Parents of the bullied:

Parents who say "Why bully you instead of others" are conveying the concept of "violence first" to their children. Children are either disappointed because their parents don't support them, feel inferior inside, or even commit suicide by depression. Either accept this idea, become perverse and violent, or even bully others.

Parents of the bullied should also pay special attention to solving problems. Many parents will go to the teacher and the other parents angrily when they find their children being bullied, but for the children, this may actually be a very shameful thing. Parents ignore their children's self-esteem in order to vent their anger, which may cause another blow to the injured children in the bullying incident. It is embarrassing for children to be bullied at school. If parents make trouble at school again, everyone will have a new handle and feel that their children are weak and more vulnerable to bullying.

Many parents encourage their children to "tell their parents" rather than "tell their parents". In the final analysis, it is the reason why adults don't accept children's world rules. Children in school have a system different from adult social rules. Everyone should have had a similar experience when they were students: when something happened at school, it was despised to go home and tell their parents. First of all, we should not completely go against children's wishes, but should respect them, find out the ins and outs of the problem, tolerate children's negative emotions, and then communicate with the school rationally. If you make a scene at school just to vent your emotions for a long time, then you won't discuss with your parents for a long time what happened to your children outside.

Parents of bullies:

Many parents of bullies, in order to shirk their responsibilities, always think that their children are just minor mistakes or even right. As everyone knows, this kind of "protection" for children is likely to ruin them. Because of the permission and support of parents, bullies may escalate their bullying methods until irreversible damage is caused. This practice of "protecting calves" not only harms one's own children, but also harms others' children.

As a parent, when you know that your child is bullying others, you must raise this matter to a "serious" level. First of all, we should know what happened, to what extent the child's bullying behavior has reached, whether there are other bullying behaviors, whether these behaviors are related to our family education and so on.

Secondly, we should immediately explain our interests to our children, criticize and educate them, and take them with us to make a serious apology to the bullied. In addition, many parents always feel that their children are the treasure in their hearts and don't believe that children will do bad things. But in fact, children's view of good and evil is sometimes not obvious, so parents should always pay attention to their children's performance, whether they are violent at home, whether they show great love for violent works, and whether their evaluation of other children is extreme (for example, they think a child is "easy to bully").

Generally speaking, in bullying incidents, teachers (schools), parents of victims and parents of bullies all need enough patience and reason. Only when the reasons and events behind it become clearer can the solutions become clearer. No matter which side is too extreme and irresponsible, it will have a very bad influence on children. Many adults always think that "bullying" is just a small fight between children, so they ignore it or even ignore it, but they don't know that bullying will have a great negative impact on both the bullied and the bully.

And "why only bully you and not other children" can not only avoid bullying, but also make children know, obey and be obsessed with violence from an early age, which has a great influence on children. "Because the weak deserve to be bullied" is the law of the animal world, not the law of the human world, and should not be the iron law of the children's world.

Let's talk about subjective feelings after the objective analysis: What do I think of parents or teachers saying to their children, "Why only bully you and not other children?" No matter when, where and why this sentence comes from anyone's mouth, I am extremely disgusted. Because I am afraid that such ignorance and mistakes will directly hurt any child.

Article reprinted: Golden Rainforest Family Education